What the men have to say about “Cheating Significant others in the Military” during deployment!
I have written several posts about cheating in the military. Until now, few deployed men or women, if any, have responded to any of those posts. However, the female response has been out of this world. Today, I received a wonderful comment from a soldier presenting the other side of this very important issue. I think many people, not me, will be very surprised at his remarks. They were so poignant, I decided to use them to create a new post. Please read his unedited response below to Cheating Significant others in the Military.
I am a Marine and have seen this all too often when I deployed. I was engaged 2 times and was deployed for about a year 2 times. Both hoes cheated after about 7 months. It is absolutely unforgivable and disgusting. I am a Male Marine and have the self discipline to keep it in my pants. I would say it is about 90% the females fault (not trying to start a fight her, just speaking from experience). But look at it like this. A guy walks up to a woman and says “Hi you’re cute, wanna hump?” LOL its NOT going to happen. However, if a woman turns around and does the same thing, you would be HARD PRESSED for any straight male to say no… And yes WESTPAC WIDOWS are a REALITY not a MYTH. It is insane. Watch the club scene within 100 miles of ANY base. When the units are deployed the clubs are FILLED with “single women with finger tan lines”…
But when the men come back the clubs seem to empty out…
I personally BELIEVE and ADHERE to the feeling that a cheating spouse of a Serviceman should be tried and honestly put to death for treason. Sounds EXTREME I know. But think about what really happens…
I have seen it too many times. Bare with me.
You are with your marines in a terrifying war torn environment, not knowing if you are going to live or die today, or if your buddy will, or if you are going to have to kill someone today. You think about home and how you rationalize that you are fighting for the ones you love back home. Then next thing you know you get a dear john letter or a letter from a friend and you just found out your wife or girl is *beep* around. This destroys your very core and the reason you are fighting becomes skewed. The Marine may become suicidal or unpredictable and want to go on a homicidal rampage.. .both do happen. This to me is why it should be considered treason, it has an extremely horrible and negative effect for all around the serviceman and gives a great advantage to the enemy..
Another case I have seen is I was on a 14 month deployment. We had the welcome wagons and the signs all across the road coming into 29 palms. when all of a sudden I recognized one of my Marines names on a huge sign. Saying something like this… “Hello LCPL John Doe, welcome home and surprise I am 5 Months pregnant!” (We were gone over a year…)… It was meant to hurt him and be a *beep* way to ask for a divorce apparently. But if you would have seen what it did to that marine you would want to flay that woman and her child.
Just food for thought. Cheating is never good. But it destroys morale of all around when done to a servicemember.
JlO said this on July 2nd, 2007 at 1:12 pm
Here is my response to JlO:
Finally, a serviceman responds to this post. I have been really fit to be tied trying to find a way to get you guys and gals deployed to start telling it like it is. I know that 90% you are talking about does not mean that 90% of “all” significant others back home cheat.I agree that about 90% of the cheating done is done back home! Since most of those back home are women, then it follows the women are the biggest cheaters! I knew from my experiences during Vietnam Era and in this conflict, there was another side to this story. I also know that most of the deployed troops feel as you do. Those cheating deployed troops in harms way do not cheat for the reasons you so eloquently mentioned. Cheating is the exception rather than the rule.
Thank you for your honest and candid response.
devildog6771 said this on July 2nd, 2007 at 7:20 pm
I expect quite a bit of fallout over this post and my subsequent remarks. I am a big girl. I can handle it! My only hope here is that enough people on both sides of this issue will respond and maybe someone will be helped by what they read here!
[dd6771]
HELLO IRAQ 
So I need some advice. I have been seeing a man for the last 3 months. He is in the navy. He would call me everyday on his way home from work, and we would spend weekends together. Beach, movies, time with his roommates cooking and drinking and having fun. Not just sex. We would talk for hours. He went home for thanksgiving and things changed. I texted him that something felt off. He said he got the word he would deploy and be leaving for training. He called me and we spoke and I told him how much I liked him. In the following couple days, something felt off, so I looked up what I could. The ex wife he spoke so poorly about, wasn’t his ex, but his wife who he had married 6 weeks before we started seeing each other. The kicker, she is deployed and due home when he said he is going for training. I sent him a text of what I’ve found out, and haven’t heard from him in over a week. I can barely breathe. How can someone pursue someone else like that, share an emotional relationship, and then just leave. I don’t know what to do, but I don’t think I will tell the wife, although I feel badly our relationship lasted the entire 3 months she has been gone. I am shocked I haven’t heard from him. What do I do?
Im in a good relationship, sometimes we are both numb together just from being depressed about not having the other here. I am a girlfriend to a guy whos been in the military for about a year. been with him through it since day one. he was stationed in Virginia and a bunch of other places. I found a site called meet me that he was on, said all the military guys use it there to contact eachother about stuff going on. He had 4 females from virginia on there and no other friends on it. I found it and freaked, he was on the verge of crying over the phone and deleted it right away. I decided to let it go and believe it was nothing. He then buys me a ticket to see him in Virginia and im in our hotel room alone while hes working, its time to leave so I call him and he said he wont be out for a few. He then tells me to pack everything up and get out of the room and just wait in the lobby till he gets out of work. I pick up a bag of Lifestyle cheap condoms yellow and red (we hadn’t had sex ever) and I thought maybe he thought he was gonna get lucky lol but I look in the bag and there are 2 new ones and like 6 wrappers. Just wrappers, no condoms. so he used the condoms obviously. I confronted him he said he used them to masterbate?? He didnt even freak out when I showed him what I found. My heart was crushed because till this day ive been 1000 percent faithful . He said he was cleaning out his drawers and stuffed them in a bag before he was to leave that room for good. why would he keep the wrappers?? We are eachothers “game changers” its kinda like a fairy tale and we love eachother to death. I didnt talk to him all the ride home except a little bit I was pretty much done but didnt wanna believe it. The site he was on for getting a hold of his friend and the codoms I found just doesnt add up. I asked him again recently cause I just cant seem to let it go. its driivng me crazy ive chosen to ignore it cause I feel like I never will know for sure, I have trust issues from past experiences and am paranoid so that situation didnt help. Does anyone know if military guys use the free condoms in the office to masterbate and any other information on this subjectT?
Thank you for your post. I am sure that your comment has a great deal of truth in it. Best to you and yours.
I saw a testimony of Nadezhda Vyacheslav on how she got that guy to love her as she did him.Though i don’t know her, i believed her cos she said Mutton Osun a spell caster help her seen it happen. I didn’t believe her cos she used a spell i believed her cos she made mention of a mutual spell caster i know of that is mutton Osun. I have also see a lot of testimony about his work on the the internet on blog pages and so on. I literally took a lip of faith to contact him and it turn out that it paid off. In my own case i didn’t ask that him to make anyone fall in love with me or ask that my cheating wife comes back. This time i was at fault i messed up.Will really like to say it was an honest mistake or a few hours or days of weakness but then i will be insulting my wife and the love i feel for her. I was in full control of what i was doing i had the choice not to cheat but i still did. She didn’t find out by herself i told hoping if i told her how sorry i am and how much i still love and want to be with her despite my betray she will forgive completely. It was the biggest mistake of my life maybe i should not have told her, i guess she would have still found out if she didn’t catch me then i bet the other lady would have told her what was going on to destroy what me and my wife had. It was obvious my betray really hurt her i could she it in her eye and i was really sorry. That is why i wasn’t so surprise when she asked that we go our separate ways. There and then i realized that i was following the part that ruined my life and my family. I literally lead four month of my life in misery. I have never felt like i needed her like i had felt begging was not an option nothing was an option cos she was gone. It was right about that time Mutton Osun came into the picture or when i asked that he help me get my wife to love as she did before. I was able to provide the items he asked that i get for the spell and send then down to him. Like Nadezhda Vyacheslav said “the spell does become effective at once that ” she was right also cos just after i did what Mutton Osun asked me to do with what he sent me, it took 7 days before anything happened i even thought for a minute that i had met a fake spell caster but in the end i am happy with my wife again. We going to be renewing our vows on the 20th of September. I was on the edge of become a walking dead a woman with nothing to live for thank my star Mutton Osun helped. I will also leave his contact for those who thing he can help them { godsofosunx @ rocketmail. com }
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Will things be easier once he sees nothing and hears nothing bad besides I have miserable with out him. Meaning no bad reports from anyone. Will that prove to him and show him. Once this deployment is over. That I love him dearly and I meant it. To finally stop letting the past worry him.
I come to this page to ask for help advise. My boyfriend/ was fiancé is deployed currently. As what I have been told he has been cheated in every deployment by women he dated. Due to that his fear steps in then wanted to wait on the engagement. I love my marine dearly. I don’t get it why or how it is so hard for people to be loyal.
Back to the subject basically his past relationships is affecting us. I feel like I am being punished for what they did.
To make things easier I gave him access to everything. My cell phone records. I myself put a tracker on my phone. Gave him access to all my emails my Facebook. My checking account to see where I have been. But I feel I haven’t done enough. I’m trying so hard to make things easier. I talk to him about when he returns home he sometime tends to change the subject or leaves it plan black and white. It one week ok then next week numb. Does anyone have advise so I can help show him I am here for him. Anything I can do to put his mind add ease. Something. His anxiety from the past now had him say we jumped into getting engaged to fast. We need to slow things down. I am asking for help to understand why he is doing this. I am in full communication with his parents and I am there to help them or just to say hello every few days. I am trying my best. I really don’t know what to do. I have not cheated. Since he has been deployed. I stay home I don’t drink. Not even my normal glass of wine. I take care of the kids I socialize with his family and my two FEMALE friends. I do not go to bars nor do I talk to males. I don’t allow anyone in the house beside my two female friend. I basically have blocked my self from the outside world. Which he is worth it and I love him so much. I also feel wrong going out and having fun with family. Why should I go out have fun when he is going through hard core shit over where the usmc sent him. I send two care packages every pay day I get paid. I sent a special card ect. I still feel like it is not good enough. Those sluts did some damage. He has anxiety now and stresses it. Because of what they did I feel like I am on a roller coaster. Please any advise would be great. Any recommendations on things I can do please help me out here. .
I am currently married and I am currently deployed. yes I have no faithful, but I stopped what I was doing. I went home on r&r and found out that not only was my wife was cheating, but she wanted a divorce. I am asking what can I do. I have 6 months left on my deployment, and I love and miss my wife, and I want us to work. What can I do?
Hello!.
My name is Hugo, and I have a real messed up story to contribute to this blog. You may take it whatever way ya’ll want it to take it, but me I unfortunately had to take it as it was.
My now ex GF is on deployement with the National Guard in Qatar. Everything was going great while she was still in Massachusetts (where we live). When we met she did mentioned that she was going for deployment. I thought it was going to be hard, but no one including her (since she’s been impervious deployments with the Navy before crossing to the National Guard) told me it was going to be a hell.
I did everything for her while she was still in US soil to the point that she told me couple of times “I know you love like none of my ex’s have and I won’t break your heart”. In another separate time she told me “I’m a bit nervous and somewhat creeped out of you because no one has ever treated me as good as you have”. That gave me a sense of security not in her, hr feelings or her love to me, but her past. I know I shouldn’t cared of her past, but with what she said I thought “why am I the only one making her feel like that when if you love someone as you say you do, aren’t you supposed to show love and care?”.
Anyway, before going to Qatar, her unit was sent to Mississippi for a month. Now she got her deployment orders a month ahead, I kept asking her about the rent issue. She didn’t do anything. When she got to Mississippi, she called me asking me to help her out paying rent. I refused and at that same phone call she got her sergeant last name “Vachon” on the phone. Now I never met this guy in my life, neither he knew me, but he came on the phone trying to intimidate me by screaming, cussing, and telling me how he was a cop at another town away from where my ex and I lived. My response to him was “go fuck your self, you have no pull on me, you’re MP and in Mississippi. You may be a cop in a Massachusetts town, not in mine, so back off and instead why are you coming on my GF’s phone cussing her BF out as if you were her jelous husband?”. He didn’t say anything, but “is my job to make sure my soldiers are ok, that’s it”. It was a huge shitshow because it escalated to their LT.
Once she arrived to Qatar, we were still talking, she apologized for getting her SGT involved into our problems. Everything was fine until the same asshole started to tell my ex GF to stop talking to me because it’ll take her head off of her game there. She told me it. I got really upset because I knew she was giving an excuse to either break up or put more distance between us. After that she was coming with other excuses such as “meetings, drills, classes and anything she’ll can come with. Me, I’m way too hard to be lied to. I really pay attention to details and remember things for a good while. I have started to notice things and to my good luck I found out by my friends in her same unit that I knew way before she transfer from the Navy to where she’s serving now and they told me how she’s been seen walking, eating, exercising and even talking while she was at her job post with the same guy. FCS LAUNIE. I was expecting to hear “she’s cheating on you with Vachon, but instead it was another higher rank guy.
I got a bit shaken because it clearly seemed that she was looking for a fuck buddy there, when I used to ask her “why all of the sudden changes?” She’ll get cometely defensive and loud, arguing and blaming me for our problems and how out relationship isn’t working out.
Now, not be a dick, but men in the military deployment, and military wives at home aren’t just the ones that cheat.. I’m a 30yo man, while me and my girl were together which was about two weeks that I called it off, cussed her out, I did not touch another woman, I have kept it in my pants because I was waiting for her to come back home so we can retake out lives together. I mean ask your self “if men cheat on their deployment, then men at home while their women are I’m deployment be a lot worse?”.. Well I was really waiting for her. I guess I was the sucker here believing her and a future with her. Now I’m alone, in the newly apartment that me and her moved to before she left for deployment, I’m stuck with a vehicle that I bought for her that I now don’t need because she also mentioned that with her millions (I’m saying millions because she’s getting 60-70k and thinks she can buy a nicer car cash and give a down payment for her own condo as if that’s going to be enough).
So, to close this blog all I can say and I want to say this to women “stop bad mouthing men b/c if your relationship isn’t working out it is not because us, but may be y’all make some real stupid mistakes making us look at you in a very different and negative way”.
First let me say that the following is not my work- I obtained it from another source, but it helped me and my spouse to beginn talking about infidelity and ways to avoid it:
Nobody wakes up one day and suddenly decides to begin an extramarital affair. Infidelity begins in the heart and mind. By the time a person physically commits adultery, he or she has been indulging for quite some time in progressively more intense mental and emotional affairs.
Before you were married, you may have had lots of friends of the opposite sex. But once you’ve said “I do,” your relationship with your spouse must now take priority over every other relationship, and it must be protected against any threat.
So if you are close friends with someone of the opposite sex, you may need to honestly look at that relationship to determine if you have fallen into an emotional affair. Here are a few warning signs that may indicate your friendship has crossed the line from platonic to romantic:
1.Do your conversations with your friend include things that should be kept between you and your spouse?
2.Do you find yourself daydreaming about your friend?
3.Have you found yourself withdrawing from your spouse emotionally or physically?
4.Do you look for excuses to see or talk to your friend
5.Do you share thoughts, feelings and problems with your friend instead of your spouse?
6.Are you convinced that your friend understands you better than your spouse?
7.Is there flirting or sexual tension between you and your friend?
8.Do you look for “legal” ways to touch your friend (brush lint off his jacket, help her with her coat)?
9.Do you find yourself paying attention to how you look before you see your friend?
10.Is there any secrecy about your relationship (how much time you spend together, what you do together, what you talk about)?
No marriage is affair proof. We are all at risk of losing our focus and being swept into an emotional affair. But you can do several things to safeguard your marriage:
1.Stay honest with yourself and with your spouse. If you find yourself attracted to someone, admit it quickly to yourself and to your spouse. Honesty is the key to preventing a relationship from escalating into an affair.
2.Avoid magazines, movies and other forms of entertainment that can increase your tolerance of affairs.
3.Try to see your relationships from your spouse’s perspective. What would your spouse be comfortable with? How would he or she feel about what you are doing?
4.Do not flirt. Most affairs begin with what’s considered “innocent flirting,” but there’s no such thing! Flirting is not a part of friendship.
5.Keep your marriage as your No. 1 priority. Make sure you are working to meet your spouse’s most important needs. If you’re not sure what those are, ask.
6.Grow together spiritually. Pray with each other and for each other.
7.Set boundaries about how you will interact with the opposite sex. For instance, you and your spouse may decide that neither of you will be alone with someone of the opposite sex, even for business lunches or late nights at work.
8.Surround yourselves with happily married couples who don’t believe in fooling around.
So how can you recognize an emotional affair? These signs may indicate that a relationship has gone too far:
•You share personal thoughts or stories with someone of the opposite sex.
•You feel a greater emotional intimacy with him/her than you do with your spouse.
•You start comparing him/her to your spouse, and begin listing why your spouse doesn’t add up.
•You long for, and look forward to, your next contact or conversation.
•You start changing your normal routine or duties to spend more time with him/her.
•You feel the need to keep conversations or activities involving him/her a secret from your spouse.
•You fantasize about spending time with, getting to know or sharing a life with him/her.
•You spend significant time alone with him/her.
If you’ve only reached the point of temptation, but you haven’t acted on it yet, make changes in your life so that it doesn’t go any farther.
Some ideas:
•Avoid spending time alone with people of the opposite sex. If you struggle with fantasizing about a sexual relationship with a particular person, stay away from the temptation by staying away from that person.
•Refuse to act on (or even reveal) feelings of attraction to someone other than your spouse. Don’t share details of your marriage relationship — particularly problems — with a member of the opposite sex.
•Avoid outside influences and environments — such as business parties and private lunches, especially where drinking is involved — that could encourage infidelity.
•Make your spouse your top priority. Talk about problems and concerns and work through them together. Get joint counseling to help if necessary. If your spouse is angry or won’t go to counseling, go by yourself. As he or she sees changes in you, your spouse might soften.
•Change your attitude about your marriage. See it as a commitment that can’t be broken. Love flourishes in a relationship where there is complete trust, respect, and acceptance.
Have fun with your spouse.
Date each other again.
How would you treat that person differently if you were trying to win his or her affections for the first time?
DON’T REPLACE YOUR HUSBAND OR WIFE WITH A SURROGATE PARTNER WHILE YOU ARE APART. VERY RARELY ARE THERE MEN AND WOMEN WHO CAN MAINTAIN PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS IN THE ABSENCE OF THEIR SPOUSE WITH A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.
DONT SET YOURSELF UP FOR FAILURE.
I think you all deserve to be respecting as in the same way YOUR SIGNIFICANT other too. Bet you all, are not looking at the sky thinking about the good times with your wife’s when deployed, but prefer to have that horniness out with one of the same Branch of the military and sometimes even thinking on the consequences,,, I wish you all can have a shot of all STD can get activated when cheat on the spouses…
[…] What the men have to say about “Cheating Significant others in the Military” during depl… July 2007 132 comments 5 […]
Nope. Just make sure you give credit for what you use.
What about the deployed male soldier that cheats by an online emotional affair while his wife is at home taking care of his 1 year old daughter and 2 sons from his first wife?
Not only did he tell this chick he loved her, listened to her masturbate on skype; he called her wife (replacing me) and used her first name with his last name.
well can i just say that i hate the women who do this to their men while they are deployed are even when there not cheating is wrong at all costs in a relationship. but as of right now i am currently a marines wife and i just have to say were getting ready to divorce soon and its all because he couldnt keep his package in his pants around the base where he is stationed. I also know from eye witness experience that alot of the marine husbands cheat on their wives every chance they get and treat their wives like crap!! actually out of everyone i met only very few could say they havent!! So yes the women who do that are horrible cheating is wrong, but its not just the wives its the husbands too!!
ok, i will add you. take care of yourself till i talk to you.
I am (at the moment) married and in the Navy. Being on submarines, it makes it very difficult to communicate with our loved ones back home while deployed. Most of the time, the best you can hope for is 5 or 6 guys a day out of 150, will get one e-mail that might be more recent than a month and might be longer than 3 lines. Marines, soldiers, etc. don’t get me wrong with all of this, I have many good Marine friends and I know you guys put up with more than your share of this kind of stuff too. Whenever we’re on deployment, all you really have is the couple of guys around you to talk to. And you cover all the topics. Unfortunately one of the oldest and most popular is laughing and joking about whose wife you think might be cheating or how many marriages will be ruined within the first weeks of returning home from deployment. What makes this even worse at times, is the face that just before deploying, the schedule is usually very busy with the boat being out a lot (I will have only been home 40 days total this year and was deployed for eight months) and so when you are home you usually just want to rest and spend time with your loved ones. I know this is a lot of backstory, but just bear with me. Well, after our boat moored next to the pier after this most recent deployment, my first indication that something was wrong was the fact that my wife just flat out wasn’t there. Well, about an hour and a half later, she showed up saying she was sorry, but there wasn’t a decent parking spot by the time that she got there half an hour late. (The wives generally start showing up an hour or two BEFORE the boat even shows) From there the signs just kept pouring in: The kiss was forced and very brief, anytime I went to hold her, her whole body tensed, holding her hand, it was like a corpse, it went limp ad as soon as I would loosen my grip, she would yank it away. We made some small talk, got home and then she started in with “Technically I never cheated on you”. Come to find out there were multiple guys she did things (I don’t even want to know what, really) with online since two months before I even deployed and had one going on at present. My world just crashed down around me. This was my high school sweetheart. She was my pastor’s daughter. I had never cheated. The closest I ever came were strip clubs while on deployment, which I always told her about anyways and she never cared. She didn’t feel that she was even really in the wrong with what she had done since “nothing REAL happened”. So here I was, out on deployment with nothing more than the thought of my wife waiting for me at home with open loving arms to keep me sane at night when in reality, my paycheck was just going to pay for her food and internet and phone bill so she could enjoy herself in anyway she pleased. Needless to say, a divorce is in the works. Now, anyone reading this, have I reacted too strongly? I’m not being sarcastic at all with this either. I really want to know. It won’t change my actions set in motion, but I really would like to know.
I think you are right in your feelings and your actions. they say actions speak louder than words and it seems like she was just having fun while you were working. In Feb I dumped my cheating, lying husband, he is a truck driver, i have never been unfaithful to him in all the years he was on the road, he was gone for months at a time, and i find out that he was cheating on me for the past 5 years. I was with him 15 years. I am angry that he wasnt honest with me. Now he is with her. I believe in total honesty and faithfulness in a relationship. thats what marriage is a commitment to one another. If you want someone to talk to leave a reply and i can give u my email address if you like…take care of yourself, find yourself a woman that you can trust wholeheartedly. p.s. I am single if your interested….LOL. anyway we can chat if you wish…hugs, dont worry, it will work out. sandra.
thanks for the encouraging words. Your story actually hit home for me since my family owns a trucking fleet but in its younger years, my father was out on the road a lot. There are many times I’ve wondered just how they managed to stay together all this time. It would be nice to chat. my email is djnicksailor@hotmail.com
Hello. I am an armywife. I married my husband after 6 months of living together, and 8 days before he re-joined the army. He left for six months, and then returned home for 10 days, after which my two teenage sone and I moved with him across the country. I loved my husband with every ounce of being i had, and was happy to leave my family, whom i am very close to, all my friends from childhood, and a longstanding career. Five months after this move he deployed. That was in late April this year. In June I found out that he had been cyber sexing with some women. We talked about it, and he swore it was over. “I was the love of his life, the best thing that ever happened to him, I was his whole life.” And we moved on. Things were good. Then in August I had my nails done, and OMG! this started world war three. He started fighting constantly with me, about everything. I truly could do absolutely nothing right. But I kept trying. I knew it was the stress he was under, blah blah. I never gave up. I would take his nasty comments and mean attitude and chalk it up to war! Then in October I found him on a site called tagged. UGH! As soon as i made a friend request his profile went private. But you all should have seen the comments from these women. Disgusting. Anyway… On October 26 I was contacted by a woman who said she was engaged to my husband. I did some snooping found this to be true, and as soon as he found out she had told me, he broke it off with her, and stopped contacting me. I havent heard a word from my deployed husband in almost two months. He has told his family and his new cyber slut that he wants a divorce, but not me. My mother says i need to wait til my husband is home to make any decisions regarding the life of my sons and i. I am having a hard time just plain staying sane right now. My heart has been ripped out. Im lost… any help?
I am also going through the same thing with my husband he is in the marines..almost the same story with the tagged acount and everything.im sry to hear that i feel your pain..
I too am going through the same thing but mine involves text messages. I have two small children and no job I feel so trapped and lost. I can only do so much I wan tto leave but I do not want my sons to grow up without their father. But I do not wan tot stay and be mistreated and disrespected. My hubby has been deployed 3 times and I have been more than faithful to him. It make sme feel so stupid. I want to call his command and get his ass in trouble, but they love him and I do not think anything will be done. My heart is so broken I need someone to talk to who can understand what I am going through.
I was wondering does anyone have any idea where I can find a single army man? I am interested in a serious, longterm relationship with a honest,caring man. Please let me know if anyone has any information on how I can find one, maybe through dating websites for soldiers or something, i dont know. I am not playing games, I want a real relationship with someone.
Hello everyone,
well i know what i am getting into by replying to this post and that i have a high chance of getting negative response and if so i completely understand. But i thought that maybe it is also time to hear the other side of the story. My fiance (or now ex fiance)is in the army. he got deployed last november. we have been dating for around 2 years now though about 15 months of that time we have been apart. he proposed to me 3 months after we met and i accepted. we got all the information on what paperwork we would need to get married and decided not to do it before he left but rather on R&R or when he gets back. unfortunately it didnt come to that. The first few months that he was deployed everything was fine and we were both doing our best to support each other. His R&R was pretty early in the deployment, already 4 months after he had left. We spent a wonderful time together and everything was perfect. But when he left again he started getting more and more reserved on the marriage topic not wanting to talk about it anymore at all. I hadnt gone to clubs or bars or anything for the first 7 months of his deployment. I held on to our relationship when it seemed as if he didnt care at all anymore. But at some point i couldnt do it anymore. I had supported him through everything. Surgery, sickness, trainings, field times, … etc. i had always showed him that i cared about him and how much i loved him and i understood when he was tired or didnt have internet and couldnt come online for weeks. I understood when he didnt have the possibility to contact me and i only heard from him once a week max. But when he was gone 8 months it got really bad. He now had internet in his room and could call me for very cheap. I know he had a lot of stress working 12 hours a day 7 days a week. But even when he had a day off he would rather go to the gym or play guitar with his buddies for 4 hours than come talk to me for 10 minutes. So at some point i just got tired of being the only one still involved in the relationship and i told him that. His response was that he thought it was for the best and that we should move on!!!! He was so calm about it i didnt know what was happening! It was as if he was glad that it finally came that way! A whole month went by until he called me in tears saying that he wanted to give us a second chance. In that month i made the horrible mistake to jeapordize everything my fiance and i had for some guy sweet talking me. I didnt have sex with him but it felt good getting attention and feeling special again and i enjoyed having someone talk to me that way again. My fiance found out about it, as i learned later, the night before he called me and asked to get me back. This was a month ago. In this month i have been trying to let him know that i want to give us a second chance as well. But as soon as i said i would give it another try he completely turned around on it again and now he’s the one who says too much has happened between us. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I know i made a mistake by talking to that guy but i am unbelievably sorry for it. And i know sorry doesnt make the distance. I just don’t know what to do. We still talk every other day now but its as if we were just friends. Nothing more. He is coming home in only a few days. And the last two weeks he has been changing his mind about if he wants me to be at the “Welcome home ceremony” or not.. one day he says he wants me there and then the next day he says it would confuse him too much… i just dont know what to do anymore.. Please, i know it might be hard for anyone to sympathize with me now since i know i’m the bad guy.. but if you can, i would be very grateful for some advice.. Thanks
Hi,
Since ive been looking for other military wives who are in the same boat as me.Who are LOVING,FAITHFUL,LOYAL to there soldiers EVEN during deployment,i only find websites about cheating wives back home,sad ,sad,sad…..
I am a wife married to a soldier for five years and just recently found out,well he told me after three years, he had cheated on me while i was pregnant with our son.She was a co worker of his and i had confronted her with a huge belly,crying,asking her if she was having an affair with my husband.She smiled at my husband standing next to her and asked what my problem was….For the longest time i was held for stupid by his friends,also co workers!I guess this is why im having a hard time forgiving him right now.We are both living our lives now ,five years later as good christians…but how do you get over being a faithful military spouse,waiting for your baby to come home and supporting him while he is having sex with a soldier girl who is oh so proud .I do not trust female soldiers anymore,am i to be blamed ?!bc she wasnt the only girl he has worked with who coudnt keep her hands to her self.Dont get me wrong i am friends with women who are soldiers but its still in the back of my mind.He will be in for the full 20 years.When he deploys ,how will i be able to trust him?I feel it is my fault he has strayed.He says it wasnt me and im a wonderful wife.But if i was before why did he do it then?I live in constant fear he will do it again.Ugh im lost and hurt…
Can anyone help me ?
I’m a mother of a deployed soldier who recently got the Dear John treatment over the phone. All he was wanting to do was SAVE $1,000 a month so he could buy a car when he comes home. He got married this past December to a very pretty girl who he’d known 3 **yes three** days. They both knew he was being deployed. The first month they practically stayed apart, then they lived together for four months and he was deployed. She was VERY upset that he would not make her his Power Of Attorney, he didn’t trust her enough. She was livid about it. But it never happened. After he deployed, EVERY TIME he got paid, she raised the roof if he used his Eagle card. He’d spend $50 and she’d go ballistic. Well, good ole mom, who is his POA from his first tour four years ago, thought “hum, he’s sending his bank statements to the house. POA, open them.” So, being the POA that I am, I did. And guess what? She was taking almost every dime he made the minute it hit the bank. Well, when she finds out he wants to save some money she goes ballistic again. He gave her a choice. Save $1000 a month or move on. He’s been overseas almost 5 months and doesn’t have a dime to his name. Guess what she chose??? MOVE ON. The only thing I can think of is this: She wanted his POA to change his beneficiaries on his life insurance to her. Then when that was changed, she has an ex-fiance she’d just broken up with who is stationed there with him. Friendly fire? They are set for life. I know that she used him, I know that she cheated on him, and I know it is a good thing that I am over 6 hours away from her. I’m not supposed to ever contact her again or she will charge me with harassment. Yet, she tells his Rear Det that she has no way of contacting him or his family, that no one will answer the phone. WHAT A LIAR. Even though he married her so soon after they met, I really tried to embrace the fact he was married. I felt like I didn’t loose a son but I gained a daughter. I really wanted to love her. Now that he sees her for what she is, he has changed his bank and is only paying her part of the Basic Housing Allowance. Where she was getting a cool $5000 a month, she is only getting $610. He found out that a laptop her “family” bought for her was bought by some Marine she’d been seeing after he left. I know of three other soldiers that she has done this way. Remember I said he married a PRETTY girl? Well, the old saying “you can’t judge a book by its cover” is true. She was a cold, manipulative, calculating, evil witch and I am glad he finally saw her for what she really is. I know there are alot of cheating spouses out there, but to cheat on your spouse when they are in a war zone? My son is resilient, he is young and he will bounce back from this. Still, I can’t help but believe that he will be hurt by this. I just hope he realizes that moving too quick is part of the problem here. He says this was a learning experience for him, but it was an expensive one.
Someone told me that under the Uniformed Soldiers Act sect 134, it IS illegal for a soldier or a spouse to cheat during war time and punishable by jail sentence. Does anyone know if that is true? I’d love to catch her, jail would do her good.
Lessons learned are like bridges burned, you only have to cross them but once.
I am sorry my computer is acting up after every storm the SUN always comes out.
I meant after every storm the always comes out
it’s not easy being out there but remember atfer every storm the always comes out
well everyone has their owns what is right from wrong you choose your own bed when you gamble with your life.
but I gave you guys alot of credits
I NEED UR HELP I’M A ARMY GIRLFRIEND AND BEFORE MY MAN GOT DEPLOYED HE WAS BUSY WITH TRAINING AND ONE DAY HE JUST TOLD ME TO GET TESTED CUZ HE GOT TESTED POSITIVE WITH AN STD SO I DID AND I CAME OUT POSITIVE SO WE FINALLY GOT TO TALK ABOUT IT HE CAME OUT WIRTH A SORY AND I WANT TO SEE IF ITS POSSIBLE HE SAID THEY WERE DRINKIN IN THE BERICKS AND HE PASSED OUT AND HE SAID SOME GUYS THAT DON’T LIKE HIM GOT SOME GIRL TO DO WHATEVER WITH HIM AND THATS HOW HE GOT IT HE CLAIMED THEY TIED HIM UP CUZ WHEEN HE WOKE UP HE WAS NAKED WITH HIS AND LEGS TIED UP SHOULD I BELIEVE HIM HELP ME I’M GOING CRAZY
It’s refreshing to know that there’s always an honest man out there. Thanks for keeping us safe 🙂
I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now and he is away at Army OCS for two months. It’s been hard, but we have been writing a lot of letters and he got to call me once after two weeks. Not sure what goes on there or if cheating happens at OCS. We want to be together and when he gets back we have plans to move in together so I am excite about our future and so is he in the letters. The thing is I am so worried that he will cheat when deployed or when he leaves to another training after OCS for 4 months in Ft. Benning. I can’t help but have those thoughts beacause I keep hearing how much Army guys cheat and girls there are the biggest hoes as well. Some advice.
A marine wife, your post is an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story. Let’s face it, our military families endure what seems at times to be insurmountable trials. But, and maybe it’s because it takes special people to serve, special families to serve, these families survive, stronger than ever, and amazingly, continue to serve. I salute you all. You deserve our utmost respect and gratitude. You deserve our support in any manner able to be provided! God Bless you all! You are my heroes!
thank you so much devildog!!…and so true love is very grand!…its even better wen u learn to trust in ur better half.
i feel for these ladies …bcuz i was in ther place at one time..but now that my husbands home i see how much of a fool i was to think wrong and let things cross my mind the way they did …now looking bak i was the 1 hurting myself all that time …but i can tell you one thing that i live by..”WHAT DONT BREAK YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER” now thas the truth!!…lol
but my heart goes out to everyone here..just like a takes a good man to go fight for our country …it also takes a good woman to wait faithful and fight for the love of a marriage! i feel if ther is something funny going on with a spouse give him or her the respect to wait till ther bak home wher u can fix things face to face…or seek help! …but thas just me…anyway i hope everyone the best in life and in love!!! =]
ps. if i had to do the deployment all over agian i wud with the same 110% dedication becuz its who i am a “MARINE WIFE” and im proud of that we signed that contract with them bcuz we knew what we were getting into wen we married our military spouse!! ……just think about that ladies!! ❤
a happy & faithfully married woman to a wonderful marine hubbi!
A Marine Wife, thank you for taking time to tell us your story. Because those who have positive, loving relationships don’t usually have to or need to go out to forums like those unfortunate enough to have serious problems, we usually only hear the bad news. It is very good to hear from you and others like yourself. You give good advice to other newly weds and young relationships to help them get through tough times! Good for you guys. Keep it up. Ain’t love grand?
me and my hubbi were only married 4 months then he was deployed.
i was going crazy like some of you i just want to say not all military man are cheaters!…i know for a fact becuz my husband was a good faithful man to me. we got throu a 8 month deployment it wasnt easy and at times he was numb almost like he had no feelings for me. but we as military wives have to stay strong and faithful…even if they did cheat dont lower you self respect as a woman. be true to your self and to your heart even if not to your husband…and for the woman who’s telling woman to cheat to fix he problem ….has a problem and needs to seek help!!
and loved, faithful, an happy to be married to a wonderful marine, and the BEST husband ever!!!
stay strong ladies!
Linette, once he married, why did you keep up your relationship? That makes no sense to me. Why would you keep on allowing him to degrade you with your complicity. I know that sounds cold. I don’t mean it tom be. But, life is not always fair. But, we all must take responsibility for our part in our destiny.
Once he married, you should have let him go. If he kept coming around, get a restraining order if necessary. But, I feel I must defend our troops here. They are not the only ones who have men and women of low morals, little responsibility, and such. The same thing happened to me though the situation was a little different. It happens in all areas of life. Let’s face it’ there are “cruds” everywhere!
Forget this jerk. Find out why you stayed with him through professional help, as I did, and then go find someone who deserves you!
I am sorry that this man came into your life and hurt you so badly.
Confused, I feel for you, believe me. It sounds like he may also be having a hard time with his deployment. Being newly married, young and thrown in combat is a lot to deal with. You sound like you have it all together pretty well.
If I could offer you any real advice, it would be like I said, get a professional counselor for yourself. Either way you will need it. When he comes home you will need the help if he decides to try to work on the marriage. He will also have to handle what he experienced during his tour. The Chaplain is also another great source of help. But please get the professional help too. Do this for yourself. not him. The outcome will be to help you survive whatever comes; but, it will also help you deal with his problems as to how they impact you.
Only he can help himself. You can only support him. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t help him either. If things don’t work out, you need to go on with your life.
I do recommend that you both agree to not make any decisions or take this discussion any further right now while he is deployed. His fellow troops and his own safety require him to keep his head “straight!” Also, decisions made under stress and duress can often be full of bad judgment, raw emotions, and fear!
Good luck. Keep coming here for support when you need it!
What about all of the low lifed bastards in the Army, navy, Marines, etc. who cheat when they are away and have women back home believing that they are faithful. They take on other women, and make the other woman believe they are the only one, and they are married. This recently happened to me with an a Louisiana Army National Guardsman from Jeanerette who lives in Baton Rouge. He married and still kept his relationship with me. Now he has been deployed, so if his wife cheats she would be well within her rights. I sent his items to her job, with underwear, condoms,vibrators, alcohol, cologne, neck ties, cocks, cigars, everything he had at my house to convince her that he was actually living with me. She is still with him, so that means he has a good wife but he doesn’t deserve her.
So happy cheating you women who go through this wil men who put you last
thank you so much. I actually just called him today, which he failed to tell me i could do, i had to call his mom and she told me and gave me the number, and he said he is thinking of filing for a divorce. I begged him for a long time and his emotionless, cold, uncaring voice broke my heart. We are newly married and i just cannot believe this. When i said i do i meant it. But he said he doesn’t feel he is ready for this. Which i told him he already made that decision and you can’t just do that..But in reality he can take it back, it’s called a divorce. I think he is having trouble cause we are not from the same state, he is stationed here and planned on staying here, and he is having trouble becoming a man i guess. I don’t know. And maybe he likes being over there with single guys and hanging out with them cause when he was here we did most things together because when he had time off work we wanted to see each other.. None of it really makes sense to me. He said he still loves me but doesn’t know if he’s really for this. He is being a little boy, but i cannot imagine what he is going through and cannot imagine what he’s going through knowing he will live clear across the country from his family. thank you i will talk to maybe the Chaplin on base. And as for him, i hope he comes around because i love him so much and this will be the biggest mistake he will ever make.
First, why is his family encouraging him to see other girls? He’s a married man! Second, it isn’t uncommon for the troops to seem unemotional. If he met someone in two weeks there was a problem before he left. I suggest you go to a counselor. Either way, he/she will help!
My husband and i are both in our early twenties. We have been married for almost a year. My husband is Air Force and got deployed to the UAE a month ago. He will be gone for 4 more months. 2 weeks after he got there he didn’t sound the same when he’d call. I knew something was wrong. Then it got worse. He stopped saying he missed me and loved me, i always had to say it first. I would write him long love e-mails and send him love letters and since he’s been there i have sent him 3 care packages with stuff he needed. I do everything i can to make sure he is okay over there because i couldn’t imagine how that would feel. He doesn’t return anything emotionally back to me. On my birthday i didn’t get a call, email, nothing. He has told me it is easy for him to go in work early and call from work phone or stay late and call on work phone, so i know it is possible. We got in a small tiff over his family, because they are trying to get him to talk to other girls and he got mad at me logged off the internet and hasn’t called in a week. He usually calls every other day. I am worried. I have a feeling he is cheating and he is trying to push me away by fighting over stupid things. I don’t know what to do. I am scared. I love him and i have done everything for him and i am getting absolutely nothing back. Now i don’t even get a phone call or e-mail.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. This is a stressful time for you both. I think your husband is a lucky guy! Also sounds like you’re a pretty lucky gal! A crisis came up. You could have done a lot of really dumb things. Instead, you chose to openly deal with it and move on. It is nice the way you two worked this out. Sounds like you two guys will get through this just fine. Good for you both.
Thanks for your advice devildog…I have always tried to be an excellent wife to my husband. Whenever he is gone I send boxes of cookies and other homeade treats. When he comes home I ask him what he would like me to prepare for his first “good meal” in however long it has been.
As we have proceeded through this and I was trying to decide if I thought he had done wrong he told me he was scared to death that I would not believe him and that our marriage would be over. That really caught my attention. My husband has never even liked to talk about the possibilty of us splitting up.
I think I let jealous lead me down a bad path here. I plan on asking my husband’s forgiveness in that and feel that if he can give that to me I can finally put this matter to complete rest.
thanks again.
“I have had no reason to doubt anything he has ever told me in the last eight years that we have been together.”
I don’t think he would have let you read those emails if he had anything to hide. His hesitation may have been because your asking to read them made him feel you didn’t trust him. I have let people use my phone and had them take advantage like this. I think you ought to give him the benefit of the doubt.
It is only natural to worry. Then you read the other comments here that are full of so much pain and heart ache. It is very easy to see what may not be there. You made the right move when you talked to him. You also did good by not accusing first. Good for you! Keep those lines of communication open.
Don’t barrage him with emails, phone calls, and letters of distrust and uncertainty. Fill them with support, love, stories about the kids, and such. Don’t be surprised and hurt if he starts seeming a “little” distant” at times or doesn’t want to talk about what is happening once he is deployed. A lot of the troops don’t want to “stain” the good with what they see there and what is happening. But, let him know that though it is hard, you want him to share waht he can or needs to!
Deployments are so hard on him and you and the kids. You have additional burdens and so does he. Find a good support group, one that isn’t full of complainers. See if there is someone doing care packages or something that you can help out when you can. It is hard to do many such things with two little guys around to care for; but, there is probably some small way you can help. It will also give you a feeling of helping your husband and his buddies.
If you do, God forbid, find out later there is a “problem,” talk to the base Chaplain and get professional help. I wish you luck. I wish a safe deployment for your husband. I hope my advice is helpful.
Okay here is my situation. My husband and I have just celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. We have two kids one three and the other two months. My husband left on pre deployment training very soon after our second child was born.
I have had no reason to doubt anything he has ever told me in the last eight years that we have been together. Until i got this month’s cell phone bill. There are thousands of minutes of talk time and hundreds of text messages to a female in his unit. When i asked him about it he said he lent his phone out to a friend. I asked him if i could have permission to view his AKO email account as i am just not feeling right about it. After a pause he said yes. I went on there and found some emails from her. There is nothing horrible in them but things that might raise an eyebrow.
What do you guys think? i don’t know what to do. he says that he hasn’t done anything wrong. He says that he loves me and wants to come home and talks about a future together. But i just feel so awful. Any advice would be helpful. I was creamed in a previous relationship and don’t want it to happen again.
WHY DO WE GIVE APPROVAL FOR OUR MATES TO CHEAT…..
I am a 27 year old female that has found herself very much in love with a Marine. The Marine that I am so in love with is the father of two beautiful girls and the ex spouse of a cheating wife. He continues to battle in the court system on custody/visitation and spousal support. Each day I find myself loving him and his daughters like I have never loved before.
My Marine is 10 years older than I am and very much in tune with what it is he wants in a mate and how he views his future. He and I are so connected on every level that it is scary. I personally have never cheated. Yes, I have been cheated on and while the pain was great I had to forgive him and move on with my life.
I have never understood why anyone would cheat on the one they say they love. It has been stated that men cheat for sexual reasons. The desire for a more active sex life, a desire for different kinds of sex, taking advantage of an opportunity to have sex without the fear of getting caught, to satisfy sexual curiosity about a specific female and a feeling of entitlement.
They say woman cheat because they desire emotional closeness and intimacy, someone caring to confide in and bond with on an emotional level. Women desire attention, wanting to be the centers of their man’s world.
Women need to feel validated as a woman, to re-experience feelings of romance and a desire to feel special.
So why is it so hard for men and woman to understand each other’s desires? The answer is. No communication between the two. We can all avoid infidelity if were where to be totally honest with one another and communicate open and honestly even if it hurts. I would much rather have the stings of honesty rather than to have the pain of infidelity. Infidelity is preventable.
We as couples have to begin with yourself. Realize that we are powerful, spiritual and angelic beings and can create with love. Take care of our thoughts and feelings and make sure they reflect the positive you. Also observe our actions and insure that they have a loving intent too.
Even when our emotions get the best of us the stress and concerns of life become a bit overwhelming, we have to just remember that we have tools of forgiveness, meditation, visualization and letting go to assist us in overcoming the negative experiences we encounter each day in our life.
Some things just are not worth worrying about or holding on to. When we are clear and receptive to our own higher, loving nature, we can then direct this love to people and places around us. Which includes our mates and what it was that caused us to love them in the first place.
Our peace becomes the peace for others. Our love becomes the love other people feel.
We want to be the angel we are and choose to live freely and joyfully. In doing so, we must look at this as a better world to live in and love it. The power of love is held within us every moment.
This wondrous energy is available merely by the use and conscious recognition. When we choose to love another as we transcend the lower personality perceptions and rise to a higher truth. We recognize our oneness, wholeness and interconnectedness.
This is not a conditional love or the type of love that we try to use to earn favors or expect validation, rather this is a universal and unconditional love that recognizes the beauty in life every moment. It is of a higher nature. It is a natural expression that does not expect an outcome of infidelity.
So why are we bringing infidelity to our relationship? When all we have to do is recognize that love is a natural expression that expects an outcome of giving for the sake of giving for sharing, with no strings, no ultimatums and no hateful words. When we commit to a relationship we are to commit with the promise of always, expressing emotion and communicate without fear of being able to do so openly and honestly.
My plan is to marry my Marine and to marry once in life. I will commit to my husband all of me, I will communicate openly, and honestly always, but most important of all I will always make him feel loved, needed, wanted, supported, and valued.
We are all adult people and if we cannot commit what it takes to make a relationship work while keeping the magic of love that brought us together, then we should not commit. Most of you may feel like I have no clue what I am talking about, but I have witnessed that magic first hand in the 40 year marriage of my parents.
I also have been taught love and how to give love freely, to know that a relationship will forever be a work in progress with lessons to be learned everyday and that it is up to the two of us as a couple to make and keep the grade.
I am sorry for everyone’s pain, we have all suffered, but do you need to continue living in fear from love, or let our love continue to grow into something that no one can penetrate.
God Bless
JJJfuturewifeofamarine
I am currently deployed to Iraq and when I was in Kuwait waiting for my ride north I noticed my wife had one of my friends as her friends on an IM program, I asked not to have him on there as it bugged me and she made a huge deal about how jealous I sounded and I let it go as just that. Well, I have an overactive imagination and it kept nagging me and when I went home (thankfully before she was to make a trip to take our boys to see my mom, his hometown too) on R&R I had to check her message history just to put my mind to rest because she “could never do that to me” lo and behold, I found every single chat she had with him, started out innocent, checking on me and then progressed to full on video (no imagination needed for him) and plans to meet when she went to my home. Now I know this hadn’t progressed to full on cheating, but it cuts the same and now I have to finish out my deployment with this on my mind everyday distracting me. I thank god I am not doing outside the wire missions because I am always thinking of home now and I would be a wreck. I decided to more or less forgive her while I am deployed because it is almost impossible to work on problems while deployed but I am wanting to give it a second chance. The main reason for this is because before I left I was a sorry excuse for a husband and had little marriage when I left, but fooled myself thinking there was. I love this woman with all my heart but there is no trust there anymore and it takes all my willpower to not leave her everytime I talk to her. I completely agree with anyones’ statements saying not to bring it up while he is deployed, the pain will be there now and later so save him the pain while it may be detrimental to his health.
Marine Wife,
I am so glad that you are both starting to understand each other even though apart. Makes it a bit more difficult but as I said communication is the key to any relationship. If done often and correctly it will only benefit the marriage. I am also glad he took the time to see what you had said here. Sometimes it is easier to write things down than convey them to someone over a phonecall. You can take time in composing your thoughts. So that’s why emails are important. I am sure he loves hearing from you! Also good to hear that you found some support for yourself as well. Another Marine wife who has been there, done that is an awesome choice for advice! I hope I was able to help in some small way and look forward to hearing how you are both doing in the future. Stay strong and only 4 months to go! It will be over before you know it! Take care and keep the homes fire burning for your guy.
FOREVERYOURSALWAYS,/ EVERYONE ELSE
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR HELP IM SO HAPPY TO SAY THAT THINGS ARE GOING SO MUCH BETTER. I GAVE MY HUSBAND THIS WEB SITE AND HE READ ALL THE THINGS I SAID AND WHAT YOU ALL HAD TO SAY. HE HAS DONE A TOTAL 360 MAYBE HE HAD NO IDEA HOW MUCH I WAS HURTING. BUT WE ARE SO HAPPY NOW AND GIVEN EACHOTHER THE SUPPORT THAT WE SHOULD BE GIVEN. I AM GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE A LITTLE MORE. WE ARE STARTING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT MAKES THINGS HARDER AND EASIER IN THIS DEPLOYMENT. THIS IS OUR FIRST DEPLOYMENT (4 MONTHS TO GO ;0)..YAHOOO!!)AND WE DIDNT KNOW WHAT WE WERE GETTING INTO. BUT THANK GOD I FOUND THIS WEB SITE I AM ALSO LOOKING INTO SUPPORT GROUPS AND I MADE MY FIRST FRIEND OUT HERE. SHE WAS MARRIED TO A MARINE FOR 25 YEARS AND HE WAS A GRUNT SO SHE IS HELPING ME ALOT GET THROU THIS. I JUST WANTED TO CHECK BACK WITH YOU ALL AND SAY THANK YOU. FOR THOSE OF YOU JUST PASSING THROUGH THIS SITE DONT JUMP TO THINK THE WORST LIKE I DID IT WILL TEAR YOU APART KNOW THAT EVERYONES STORIES ARE DIFFRENT AND JUST BECAUSE THEY DID THINGS IT DOESNT MEAN YOUR BETTER HALF IS DOING IT ALSO. THE MAIN THING I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT EVRYTHING HERE IS THAT IF YOU LOVE YOUR BETTER HALF YOU HAVE TO TRUST IN HIM AND TRUST IN YOUR LOVE. YOU ALSO HAVE TO PUT ALL NEG. THINGS OUT OF YOUR MIND AND PRAY FOR THE BEST AND BE STRONG FOR HIM SO HE CAN BE STRONG FOR YOU. IF YOU BOTH LOVE EACHOTHER THAN YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR. BECAUSE IN THE END LOVE WINS OVER ALL!!!!!! I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND WOULD NEVER EVER HURT HIM IN TIME LIKE THIS WHEN HE NEEDS ME MORE THAN EVER.I NEVER WANTED TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE MARINE WIVES IT SEEMS THEY WAIT FOR THERE HUBBI’S TO LEAVE AND FIND IT FUN TO GO OUT AN GO WIVES GONE WILD. SO I KEEP TO MYSELF STAYING HOME BEING A GOOD WIFE. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY WOMEN WOULD GOT OUT AND CHEAT OR EVEN GO TO A BAR/CLUBS IF YOUR MARRIED AND YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND YOUR WONT DISRESPECT HIM IN THAT WAY THERE IS NOTHING GOOD IN A BAR/CLUB ITS JUST TROUBLE WAITING TO BLOW UP. I HAVE ALWAYS FELT THOSE PLACES ARE FOR SINGLES OR GO WHEN YOUR BETTER HALF IS BY YOUR SIDE. SO IF YOUR A WIFE/HUSBAND OF A MILITARY MAN OR WOMAN PLEASE THINK BEFORE YOU DO THINGS THE MAN/WOMEN IN THE CLUB/BAR ONLY WANT YOU FOR ONE NIGHT YOUR BETTER HALF WANTS YOU FOR LIFE……….JUST KEEP THAT IN MIND….A MARINE WIFE THAT REMAINS WAITING FAITHFULY FOR HER HUSBANDS SAFE RETURN HOME…I LOVE YOU BABY THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO. THANK YOU FOR BEING A WONDERFUL MAN TO ME AND FOR MAKING ME THE HAPPIEST MARINE WIFE EVER!!!! ;0)
Marine wife,
I am sorry to hear that things have not gotten much better. These things do take some time. And since it is the first deployment, it will be hard. Not only because of the stress but all the unknowns. I will have to suggest that you keep trying to build up his trust that you are married to him and him only. You have no desires to seek comfort elsewhere. You have to start exerting your strength to show him that. But you cannot be a prisoner in your own home either, he has to realise this. He is so far away and not having control of the situation at home. I suggest you work on that also. he does sound a tad bit on the controlling side to me. You have to try and break him of that habit. As for living near the base and others hitting on you, I certainly hope you do not mention this in your calls, that will only add fuel to the fire. It’s fine to be flattered by others attention but in the long run it will create an even larger wedge in a marriage. If you do have a cell phone, have it with you. He can always call on that. You really do need to get out and do things. I am not saying to go partying every night, but even just to a gym or a walk or something! Start sending him packages, email frequesntly, communicate extensively to him. Send him momentos of you and him, love notes, even small things can be a relief to him.
I am not sure of your age but you seem to be in the younger set. I also suggest you seek out support for yourself while he is away with people in the same boat. Is there not other military wives around that you can confide in? Join a support group, read material on deployments and how to deal with all the different scenerios that you may face. I hope I shed some light for you and hope you can get on a clear path to peace and contentment in your marriage. And remember to communicate! That is the key and don’t hold anything back. Good luck Hon..need anything else I’ll check back! Stay strong!
WELL THANK YOU FOR THE RESPONSE. NEEDLESS TO SAY THINGS HAVE GOTTEN WORSE SINCE I LAST POSTED.SOMEONE ASKED IF THIS WAS OUR FIRST DEPLOYMENT “YES IT IS” I KNOW I PROBABLY OVER RACKED WITH THE SHAKY PHONE CALLS. BUT NOW THAT NOT THE PROBLEM NOW ITS TURNED INTO TO JEALOUSY AND I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. LIKE I SAID BEFORE I NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE. I’M STILL IN THE SAME BOAT HE IS JUST SO SCARED THAT SOMEONE IS GOING TO SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET AND HES GONNA LOSE ME HE THINKS THAT I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO BE OUT OF THE HOUSE SO REMAIN BY THE PHONE AND NOW THE CALLS ARE NOT THE PROBLEM BECAUSE HE CALL EVERY FEW HOURS TO MAKE SURE I AM HOME. AND I DO IT BECAUSE I LOVE HIM TO DEATH AND I WANT TO MAKE HIS TIME OVER THE AS LESS STRESSFUL AS POSSIBLE SO YES I KNOW I AM GIVING MY SOUL TO HIM BUT TO ME I FEEL THAT HE IS SUFFERING OVER THERE I SHOULD SUFFER THE SAME I FEEL GUILTY TRYING TO GO OUT SIDE THE HOUSE AND HAVE FUN. I’M NOT BRAGGING BUT I LIVE NEAR THE BASE WHERE THERE ARE ALOT OF SINGLE MARINES AND I ALWAYS WERE MY WEDDING RING I HAVE NEVER TAKEN IT OFF SOMETIMES THAT WONT STOP GUYS FROM HITTING ON ME. THAT’S WHY HE DOESN’T WANT ME OUT OF THE HOUSE SO FOR HIS HAPPINESS OVER MINE I DO WHAT MAKE HIM HAPPY. BUT I ASK MY SELF SINCE I DO HAVE LOTS OF TIME TO THINK. WHY IS HE ACTING LIKE THIS? HE WAS NEVER BEEN THIS JEALOUS BEFORE. I WAS GOING TO SEE MY FAMILY IN FLORIDA NEXT MONTH NOW HE TELLS ME IF I GOT TO STAY THERE UNTIL HE COMES BACK.SO BASIC LY THAT MEAN HE DOESN’T WANT ME TO GO UNTIL HE COMES BACK SO HE CAN TAKE ME. I TALK TO HIM ALL THE TIME NOW LIKE I SAID ALL THE TIME. BUT AT THE SAME TIME I FEEL SO DISTANT FROM HIM I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING TO OUR MARRIAGE I JUST FIND MYSELF CRYING ALL THE TIME NOW. WHAT DO I DO? I DON’T KNOW IF THESE THINGS ARE NORMAL I WANT TO LISTEN TO HUSBAND AND RESPECT WHAT HE TELLS BUT AM I GIVING HIM TO MUCH? I HOPE SOMEONE CAN SHED SOME LIGHT AND CAN TELL ME SOMETHING …..A FAITHFUL MARINE WIFE
WOW, I am sitting here reading all of this getting a little upset at some of the things people are saying. Well I have been with my Marine for a little less than a year. We had talked about marriage before he went on deployment but it was always just a conversation. Well he is on deployment right now and a couple months ago he emailed me and sent me a picture of a ring that he purchased me in Saudi Arabia. Well I really love this man and this is our first deployment. I am a very insecure woman from being cheated on alot in my past relationship and it has been a consistant problem with him and I because I was constantly accusing him of cheating. I am very scared and I can honestly say reading some of these posts I am more scared than I was before coming on here. Well I just dont want to be cheated on AGAIN. He has been cheated on a couple times in his life and most recently the girl he was with before me.
I would personally NEVER EVER cheat on him and I am saddened to learn that people are just cheating on eachother left and right while they are on deployment and while their significant other is on deployment. The thing that scares me is if he has cheated on me during this deployment I would never find out. I have been very suspicious because when he is at sea traveling he emails me every single day, but as soon as he is on Liberty in these foreign countries he doesnt contact me until he is back on the ship and he has a cellular phone he can call me or text me on. Am I just overreacting? Why does he neglect me when he is on Liberty? Is that a sign of cheating while on deployment? He tells me that its because hes the only one that has a cell phone and they are out having fun and just happy to be off the ship and he doesnt like the fact that hes the only person that has to keep texting or calling his girlfriend… Any advice????? Please help
Marine Wife,
You don’t mention in your post if this is yours and his first deployment. But it sounds like it is. One thing that you cannot do is put you life on hold. Waiting by the phone is not a good thing to do. If you do have a cellular, when he calls he can reach you on that. You still need to get out and do things or else it will drive you crazy! As for the sketchy calls, there are times when they simply just can’t call. They are either out, sleeping, they don’t really have a whole lot of time to be socializing. Generally 7 days a week, several hours a day. Communication in Iraq can be troublesome too. I would still email him everyday. But I would not complain too much, keep it lite, simple, tell him you miss him, love him and are waiting for him to come home. I know it’s stressful for you both but you have to communicate effectively to each other, so you know what the other needs while you are going through this deployment. There will be other deployments. As for his comment about the older woman commenting on his wedding ring I am not sure what the reason for that was. I am guessing he wants you to know he is desirable and he wants you to tell him those things, not her. When they are there they get somewhat detached from what is going on here and need reassurance sometimes, they won’t admit it but its true. Try to communicate in an email your deepest feelings and thoughts and hopefully you both can find comfort regardless of the miles apart. I will check back often to see if I can be of anymore help for you. Support from other is something you need during a deployment so seeking it in various areas helps too. Take care and help is always available!
marine wife,
i’m sure you’ll get the response you’re looking for soon enough. in the meantime, i’ll give you some advice. STOP DRIVING YOURSELF CRAZY! don’t look for things that aren’t there. people never really know if their spouses cheat unless they fess up or they find out some other way. this happens outside of war, too, don’t forget that. just because he hasn’t called in a few doesn’t mean he’s off cheating. the place is stressful enough as it is, and from the people i talked to while i was there, it’s not that they didn’t want to call home. sometimes they forget. trust me. it happens. yeah there are harlots all over the world, but that doesn’t mean your husband is falling in the trap.
you need to find other things to occupy your time.
you say that you’ve only been married for a while and now he’s deployed. so now he’s on the other side of the spectrum with all the horror stories of cheating spouses. there’s no real win-win situation. trust that your husband is doing his stressful job the best he can and that he still loves you. he’s probably just as anxious to get home as you are to have him home.
again, i’m probably not the person you want advice from, but this should suffice until someone else comes along and reads your post.
i hope someone can respond to my questions for HELP!!
a fauthful marine wife still waiting for a answer to her question…
thank you …..
mizunderstood_17,
i would have responded too your questions/comments earlier had i revisited the site earlier. the truth is i already feel shameful for what i did. nothing you or anyone else can say will make me feel any worse or any better. what’s done is done and now it’s over. the only good thing–if you can call it good– is that it was a sexless affair.
secondly, although i have the means to contact his wife, i will never do so. i’ve done enough to intrude on the sanctity of their marriage and won’t go any further than i already have. perhaps it was a a one-time lapse in judgment on his part and he will never to it to her again. to say she ought to know what he was up to for those short months is up in the air. if he feels like he needs to come clean, then HE will.
i, on the other hand, have taken devildog6771’s advice and started to pick up the pieces and move on.
oh my goshhhhhhhh this is my worst nightmare….i jus dont dont what to belive i habe been married now since nov.2007 my husaband deployed march 27 didnt give us much time to bond after getting married being we were in 2 diffrent states….he call me all the time at 3 to 5 times a day we talk but it has happen twice now that he told me he was gonna call me and has left me waiting 12 hours for his call….i on the other hand have never missed one vall since the day he left….i have evey email linked to my cell i only leave the house to buy food or things that we need for home either way i email him to let him know where i am at all times….so no matter what time it is he has call me and i have answered ….he has called on weekends jus to see if i went out i have never went out clubing,movies,or for that fact anywhere….but i jus feel like sum thing is wrong …i hear guilt in his voice and lots of insecurity ….i dont know if its bcuz we have alot of stress now with every thing going on….i also read about women working in iraq on the base like the women that wash there cloths….he has told me the is this older woman that evey time he goes there she tells him how nice his wedding ring is….i feel like i am giving up my soul to prove how faithful i am and how much i love him….but i feel if he were to cheat i wud be so hurt to the point of no return….i am scared bcuz since he has been there and us talking alot he told me he cheated on his EX becuz she cheated on him….so that make me think if he did it to her can he find him self weak in iraq to cheat on me……plaese help me!!!! A faithful marine wife 😦
one last thing… the reason im feed up is because he bitched me out in a email for not emailing him enough. i have also had these concerns before. he just starts yelling when i ask him things and always finds a way to turn our fights around on me.
hi i just found these post today and im replying because im really confused…. i am engaged to a 2lt in the army. i have been by his side when he has left for many schools. lately his behavior has drasticly changed. he was deployed to kuwait and is pushing paper their. he is not in battle. i have a gutt feeling that something is going on and have no way to prove it. he used to write every day and now im lucky to if he writes once a week. ive been very upset about this but not said anything b/c i don’t want to fight. he barely emails me anymore and when he does its when he needs something. i email him back to let him know whatever he needed got done but other than that ive stopped b/c he doen’t respond to me. im sick of hearing don’t speek up hes deployed, he needs support…. what about my support? im pretty sure he is cheating because of his drastic change. can someone help me? esp. an officer he says he is really, really, really busy over their but from everything i have herd that is not the case. btw he also tried telling me he is sleeping 12 hours a day and only works 8….. are these reasonable reasons to be concirned?
Joanna,
Honestly,u should be ashame of urself becuz u committed a sin w.a married man.U knew he was married n u still continued to flirt w.him n how can u love some one who is in love w.someone else.Unless,u made urself believe that.Imagine how the wife would feel if she finds out that her husband whom she believed was faithful to her was a lying scumm even worse IS HOW CAN U BELIEVE URSELF that HE will be there for u I mean why would u have feelings for this guy.U should be ashamed n this is a guilt u n him would carry for the rest of ur life.U have no self respect to urself n jst imagine being in the wife’s shoes.If I was u I would have the tendency to email the wife n let her know becuz now that ur away from him what if his still doing this to her.Make a difference to urself.Do whats right let the wife know the truth.!
Rebecca, well said. Joanna, hold your head high, go on as hf it didn’t happen. I suspect you are punishing yourself far more than anyone else could or would. As for that soldier, well, not knowing any more about him I don’t want to judge harshly. But, if he makes a habit of this, he’ll get his in the end. Look at him as the pathetic scumbag he is. If he never did this before, I am very sure he feels just as badly as you.
We are all only human. We make mistakes sometimes, little ones and great big ones! When it comes to infidelity, a trust is broken. The offender must regain that trust. Hopefully the offended has the love to see it through if the marriage is worth saving. Hopefully the offender has the courage to re-earn that trust.
There are many thoughts in whether or not the one who broke their vows ought to “‘fess-up!” I tend to believe that at times it is better to say nothing and get professional help to determine why it happened. If or when the offended spouse is told can be discussed in that environment.
Remember, no two situations are identical. There are no “pat” answers. Each situation is unique due to the fact that we are all unique! Each situation must be dealt with from that view point. Our life before and up to a given moment in time determines how well we deal with stress whatever the cause.
If I were to give advice to those at home and those deployed, it would be to try to establish a support network, whenever possible, “before” deployment. Family support is good; but, it is better to have other support too. I say this because all family members, immediate or extended, are going to be stressed by the deployment. Make double sure all legal matters, bills, financial matters are well planned and set up. If there are no support groups, then form one for those left behind to support each other.
That can be baby sitting, someone to talk to, whatever. Set up ground rules. Don’t spread rumors and gossip. Give everyone a chance for participation. Set up car pools for things like kids activities, etc., whatever else that you think will be helpful. You don’t have to make it overly rigid or organized so it becomes another stressor. DON’T set yourself up for situations that could lead you to be victimized by “predators.” There is safety in numbers. When alcohol is present, be careful to know those present, that they will and “you” will respect proper boundaries.
For those deployed, there is help available for you too if you need it. Even if you talk to the Chaplain, that is help. It is hard to be away from home, listen to problems from home you can do nothing about, experience all you experience and not feel OK to share with your loved one these things, have then keep asking what is wrong, etc.. Both sides have their issues. Sometimes it is OK to say, I can’t talk about this now. It is their problem to deal with how they feel about it.
Those at home, try to think about what you might feel, as best you can, if the rolls were reversed. Life and death versus those mundane, but very important every day issues at home. Both your jobs are equally important. Bit, there is one exception, the one deployed needs their head on straight so they can stay focused and not endanger their self and others. So, at times you’re going to feel all alone and overwhelmed with no way out. That’s where your support system comes in handy.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT look for problems! Sure guys and gals deployed cheat. Sure guys and gals back home cheat. MOST DON’T! But, non=military types have the same problem. The added stress of frequent deployments and the increased worry when that deployment involves combat does make for a more stressful life. But, there is also the brotherhood and sisterhood of the “life” not found in any other lifestyle except maybe law enforcement and emergency services like firemen/women, etc.. Use that amazing resource to support yourselves during tough times. Don’t just assume either of you will cheat because it happened to another couple. Hold on to your trust.
It is hard, very hard, I know. Fear and insecurity are our worse enemies sometimes. Just try to hold on to that unique closeness and bond found in military families that few others ever have! Trust it!!
to your question about self respect, i thought i had it and was entitled to someone that i had feelings for. i’m 15 yrs his junior and would like to think that i was young and stupid but the truth is i knew better. it was always in the back of my mind and i pushed it away. to clear up any confusion with my initial post, i posed that question to a co-worker (not that man i had online relations with)
DEVILDOG6771
thanks for you reply. i bought that for a little while but i know so many men who wouldn’t cheat on their wives regardless of whether their wife would find out or not. the sad part is that now i’m scarred for the things that I’ve done. like i mentioned earlier, i made myself believe that things were not good between them. the truth is she’s probably a wonderful woman who prays for the safe return of her husband. i’m scarred for my sins and he just gets to go on living as though he never wronged her. i would never attempt to contact her because there’d be no reason to do so. through internet snooping, i found out about their life together and i’m disappointed in myself that i could treat another woman this way. i’d be lying if i said i’m over him but someone loves him more.
Thank you for your response. My husband has been on a convoy for 4 days, and has somehow managed to call me a few times every day. The more I talk to him, the more I see how impossible it would be for him to be acting this way. He doesn’t sound sugary-sweet on the phone, he sounds like the best friend he has always been. In truth, I should have known when I heard the rumor that it could not be true. He would have to be the biggest liar of his day, and deception has never been a part of his character. I am certainly not looking for anyone. Many wives go to the bars when their husbands leave, which is such a bad choice. My husband and I have never, ever been a part of that scene. I don’t understand how wives with children can go on the prowl when kids are already suffering enough, but now they are being left with a babysitter so Mom can whore around? I would strongly confront a woman who did this, or a man for that matter. I suppose that I am one of the blessed ones who has a husband with integrity and a soul. To me, someone who cheats on their spouse, specifically on deployment, has got to be one of the most selfish son of a bitches alive. I don’t care if they just avoided sniper fire, and they feel emotionally distraught. Go pray, don’t go screw some whore and spit in the face of your entire family. That is what it is, turmoil should draw you closer to the ones you love. You should be picturing your children in that moment, not feeling up some homewrecker in the desert. To the women who entice the married men, I hope that you know you are cursing your own happiness in the future and destroying lives. What goes around comes around. If you think you are so special that a man at war sees the “deep inside of you” and will leave his family for you, you are completely decieved. Even if you do have an affair, you do realize that you are nothing but a glorified harlot. Keep your cougar claws out of married men. I can assure you that they see you as nothing more than a vagina. I think it is terrible that we have to deal with these issues when we are suffering enough already.
Joanna: “CHEATING ON MY WIFE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY LOVE FOR HER!” Having been cheated on several times, and mot by a military guy, who applied the same logic, I know he was a louse. What was your reason? Flirtation is something many men and women seem good at; but, I often have wondered if those they cheat with have any self respect?
Rebecca, if you have been married for five years and ha hasn’t cheated before, don’t you think you would know if he were doing so now? I have to agree with the military about people telling a spouse whether or not someone is cheating. IT ISN’T THEIR PLACE OR BUSINESS! As for the military position on this, troops deployed in combat are in a life and death situation. Not only their lives, but the lives of fellow troops. The is not he time to resolve or discuss issues of this importance.
Let’s face it, some men and women cheat, some don’. Why, I don’t know. I don’t think anyone really knows. Some do it because they can. Some because the situation just “happened” and they live with the shame. Others, because war makes them feel like they have no feelings. They wind up involved with someone they can connect with on some level. I don’t think it is intentional. Meanwhile back home is a spouse faithfully waiting, cheating because they can, etc..
My advice, if he’s/she’s heating, you know it. Get counseling while they are still deployed, and wait for them to come before confronting them. But, don’t look for what isn’t there. Don’t throw away or discard your trust on rumor or inuendo!
My husband of 5 years is deployed. A friend of mine is married to a man who is deployed with my husband. He told her that my husband was acting flirtatious, and that if I could see how he is, my heart would be broken. Ofcourse, I freaked out and confronted him. He wasn’t happy and said that he loved me and the kids, and that he would never cheat and that he wasn’t doing these things. He confronted the guy, and the guy said that he never said those things. (a story that was confirmed by my friend) Word got around, mostly because my husband and him were fighting over this and the guy was reprimanded. They told him that even if something were happening, it was not his business to tell. My husband’s behavior is the same. He calls and e-mails daily, prays with me on the phone about matters concerning me, and always has a cheery tone. However, I can’t seem to get the fears out of my head. How does a man that cheats over there act? He is my absolute best friend, but again, most women do not know that their husbands cheat over there. I know of 3 wives whose husbands have had affairs, but they are clueless to it? How is it that I know, and they don’t? Why does the military do this? My husband has never acted like a cheater, but I can’t tell if I have a gut feeling, or if I am paranoid. What are the signs to look for, and why does the military cover this up?
here’s a question i posed to a married man…”would you cheat on your wife if you were deployed?”
i guess you have to know the basis on which this question was posed and i know i’ll get a lot of angry posts after this but that’s neither here nor there.
i was deployed and developed a friendship with him over the course of our tour. i started to like him before i knew he was married and when i found out, instead of leaving him alone, i thought we could be friends as he suggested. that didn’t last very long and soon we were flirting again. i felt horrible but was selfish and i just wanted to be happy…telling myself that things in his marriage were good and stuff like that–anything to justify what i was doing. after all, if you really love someone, you wouldn’t do that to them, right?
the answer to the question i posed to the married man (mind you, this man isn’t the same one i had online relations with)…anyway, the answer to the question was this: CHEATING ON MY WIFE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY LOVE FOR HER.
how can this be? all this only means that i was a deployment bunny and once he goes home, he will never think of me again. meanwhile, i’m back home now and crushed.
how true was the answer to my question?
Armywifey, forget about finding out what is going on. Take this time to work on yourself and find out why you let this man or anyone else treat you so badly. I know that sounds cold; but, I have been there. I suggest you call the local “YMCA” battered women’s hot line. Sign up for their free battered women’s program.
The program’s leaders will “not” tell you to leave your husband or anything like that. But, they offer a really great program. I went for three years. If you have kids they help you with free on site baby sitting.
Battering does not always involve being hit. You didn’t say anything about physical mistreatment. However, in your case, based on your post, it could become an issue once he returns.
As for your husband, well, many guys don’t call home. All they see are the ingredients of war, death, injured, rubble, etc., day in and day out. Even the best of marriages experience no phone calls. The guys can’t do anything about anything back and it makes them feel helpless. If they talk about the war and what they see, they know their loved ones won’t fully understand. Many are also afraid that their loved ones will be repulsed at what they have seen or done.
Let’s face it, if you had to go out today and spend that day killing or being killed, don’t you think it would “do something to you that would make you seem distant to those back home.
my husband and i are a very yaung couple and have omly been married for a year , he deployed about a month ago . we’v kinda had a rocky relationship .i hate to say it but i am worried about him cheating. i have never cheated and as far as i know he hasn’t either . but its just little things that let me know that i’m not ezactly at the top of his list , things like he lets his friends disrespect me and doesn’t seem to care and even let his drunk sister beat tha crap outa me , and didn’t care at all. but hes a smooth talker and knows all the right things to say to make me think for the time that i am his number one ….. deep down i know i’m not . i noticed earlier the woman wrote about her husband not callin her . i’m havin the same problem . we talk online some, but he will not call me , when i ask he says ” u know me i’m just too lazy to walk to the phone ” but he also says that he has waay too much free time on his hands , and that he goes to the gym and runs twice a day …… but he will not walk to the phone . am i crazy to b worried ? wut can i do to find out wuts really goin on ?
I don’t know, I don’t want to give up on her and I want to give her the benefit of the doubt because I don’t know the feelings and stuff involved with being deployed but I just can’t get past the fact that if you love someone that much no matter what the circumstance is you should never cross that line. Now I need to find out what my rights are if it doesn’t work out.
What an unusual man you are! I don’t know if you are still with your wife; but, based on your comments here, she “doesn’t” deserve you! You deserve better.
Thank you for your service. I am sorry this happened to you.
Well I’m a Navy spouse and my wife ended up doing the deed, and it killed me. The only thing I ask is if this shit does go on then do it without feelings involved. I hurt bad enough that it happened at all but when you add the fact that she started having feelings for this guy then that makes it way worse.
Well, it’s only human nature to be afraid and worried. Maybe if so much of this didn’t happen the troops wouldn’t talk about it so much. I am sure the statistics would bear out that the percentage is low. However, when it happens to “you,” statics become irrelevant.
it’s your own marine buddies who take away the married men’s morale away from him.
How could I dare cheat on my precious husband. I hear stories all the time and I am so shocked by the fact that people really do ditch their honorable spouses out in the war. It’s insane..and I admit, my husband does get weary of the statistics and I always try to reassure him but every time I do he yells at me saying I just don’t understand…v.v all because when he goes over to the base..AAAAAAAALLLLL the marine buddies say…”heh, you’re married? You idiot, you know she’s gonna cheat?”
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MADASHELL,
I know what you mean. I went through it all just like you just said. I a glad that you are getting help. There is a kicker here. You may do the same thing again. hat was hardest bout my help here was learning all the signs were there from the very beginning. I just didn’t look at the consciously, as we all do. We are enablers for their behavior. We also have something that has made us develop low self esteem.
I have a suggestion for you. Call a local “Y” hotline. Tell them you want to get some information on domestic abuse. You want to learn the signs, cycle, etc. because you were a victim and there are no “men’s programs. You want to let your therapists go over them with you to help you understand it all and help you not to repeat the same thing again. Better yet, have the therapist call them and get a copy. It will really help you a lot.
“If” you do get in another similar situation again, you will not let it last as long due to getting help. “Don’t” beat yourself up. Try to look at your progress. Every case is different. I was shocked when I finally discovered why I “allowed” this jerk to treat me so badly. Te years later, I did the same thing again even though I worked very hard. My case was an extreme case. Not everyone will experience the same problems I have. Others will be worse.
Foreveryoursalways always has good advice. There is one caution I would point out. “Do not” get involved in another relationship until this one has completely played out in your mind. We all say we will never get involved again; but, we do! There are many Churches that have singles groups. Some of these groups are made up of people who like yourself have had terrible relationships. They do things together as “friends” in a group that includes member’s kids on occasion and no kids so everyone in the family is supported. I had kids so I enjoyed both types of activities. But, it was a while before I was able to join such a group. You and your therapists can talk about this when you are ready if you decide to try it out!
Venting is great. Another way to vent is beat nails into a board [sounds dumb, but works], beating a tennis ball against a wall, basketball, or something else physical. I found the tennis balls a great help. I also always carried something around in my pocket that I just grasp in my hands at times when I felt extremely anxious when I was depressed. Sometimes depression needs medical help. This is usually not for a very long time.
Most important for you now besides therapy is regular, healthy eating, and at least eight hours sleep. Some some people need as much as ten to fourteen hours a night. That can be extreme and an indication you need meds. But, you must have a decent schedule, structured with regular meals, sleep, physical activity.
Keep up the good work!
MADASHELL, Most people riding along in life like that are simply not worth it. Their gravy train will end one day. And generally what goes around, DOES come around. I spent many a year trying to justify why the infidelity in my past relationship only to discover it wasn’t me, never was me. I didn’t cheat, he did. I know only too well the questions you are asking yourself right now. It does get easier trust me. Judging from your post there is no hope for reconciliation. Glad to hear you are managing and coping as best as you can. Time is now for you to step back, breath, map out a plan to find a clear path away from her destructive behaviour. It isn’t running away, just steering clear until she is no longer in your thoughts on a daily basis. I hope you have a good support system in place. If this situation is causing problems at work as well, you may be heading or already be in a depressed and anxious state. BTDT too. And venting is GOOD!
Hey, devildogg,
I have to tell you I have had a couple of really bad weeks. There has been a lot of self-doubt and feelings of worthlessness going on with this relationship I had. If it weren’t for a really good therapist, I might have lost it.
Even though it has been over for awhile, these are deep seeded feeling that often rear their ugly heads and just overtake every aspect of who and what you are. For anybody who is reading this, it is a natural process. It is not easy, but it is natural. There is a tendency to blame oneself for the actions of the cheater. “What did I do wrong? Am I not handsome/pretty enough? Do I not keep a good enough home? Do I not make enough money? Do I not work hard enough for you? Am I not good enough in bed? Why did you do this to me?” These are all questions that come up in one’s mind. They certainly did in mine over the past couple of weeks.
I have said it before if you scroll back, it isn’t about you, it is about them and their issues. I can say all that intellectually and believe it. It is a very different thing to her it/listen to it emotionally.
The hardest part is seeing your former partner move on – usually pretty quickly. But, remember, that is what they do – cheaters cheat; cheaters have a chronic problem of seeking attention, increasing self-worth, building self-esteem, etc at whatever the cost. They don’t care who they hurt, just as long as their needs are met. They don’t care who they involve – married, single, involved, doesn’t matter. There are classic signs and symptoms that these people exhibit. I just didn’t recognize thme in time because I was too close to the problem. I had people who were telling me to be careful, people who knew her. I just didn’t listen, much to my regret. I am paying for it now, personally and professionally.
Her misbehavior is now reflecting badly on me at work, even though I did nothing wrong. It shows poor judgment on my part that I took her back 3 times. That is going to cost me a promotion. The sad thing is, her promiscuity has put her in the position of being invlolved with people who can influence my career negatively and hers positively.
I am still struggling with my feelings for her and how they reflect on me. It is difficult to avoid conflict with her, but I am managing.
My advice to people, having been through a whole lot so far, listen to the people you trust and trust your own instincts. If it doesn’t smell or feel right, don’t do it. If behaviors are questionable, question them. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck – it is probably a duck.
Press on and try not to let what someone did to you make you feel as if you are the bad person or the guilty party. If you have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Be the bigger person. I am not a vindictive person, but I sincerely hope that there is some justice in the world and what goes around comes around.
Thanks again, devildogg, it feels good sometimes to just vent. I hope somebody out there is reading this and getting some good out of it.
MADASHELL, you are so right. It is considered “child abuse” and CPS “will take your kids and arrest both parents if it is brought to their attention. Again your words are so poignant and right on.You shouldn’t beat yourself up. You have done an amazing job. Best to you!
devildog,
I have to tell you that I truly hit bottom before I went for help. I found a great therapist who has been working with me for some time. For those who are reading this, don’t let yourselves get there. End the cycle of a destructive relationship before it gets to you. Love means a lot, but your sanity is more important. What good are you to anyone if you are a walking basketcase.
Situations such as mine can get so out of hand that careers are at stake, as are lives. I wouldn’t call it depression because that would be a clinical diagnosis. It is more situational than that. If the situation, or problem, is removed, life gets better.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help or to go out and find help. But you have to want to do it. Sometimes finances are used as an excuse to stay, sometimes children. MOney isn’t everything – not a nice house or car, not nice clothes or things. They are just a facade for the real problems at hand. What harm is coming to the children in situations like this? It is just another form of abuse – exposing kids ti such things.
Seek help, you are better than that.
MADASHELL,you give the forum too much credit. Remember, nothing helps unless a person really wants help. You did, you did all the work, give yourself the credit.
I totally agree with you about male domestic violence victims. But, men like you with your courage are changing that perception! Thank you!
Devildog,
I was in the same place as you. She was the cheater and became the batterer once I confornted her and stopped accepting and enabling her behavior.
zit is very difficult ofr a man to find help with this issue. A man who is abused and comes forward is looked upon as less than a man, a wimp, or any other pejorative you would like to use (she had many colorful names that she called me when we fought over this).
I, too, needed to accept my role in all of this and move forward with my own healing process. Unfortunately for her and her kids, she has not. She continues to behave in ways that are morally and ethically questionable. What is worse is that it is with her military colleagues. She could lose her commission if all this comes forward. I won’t be the one to do so. I have a feeling that the phrase “what goes around, comes around” will soon be haunting her dreams. Her world is falling apart slowly but surely.
I am moving on. I still love her and always will. But that is another story. I just won’t sit back and take this kind of emotional or physical abuse anymore. I feel sorry for her and for the next guy she dupes into aiding and abetting her behaviors.
Thank you for keeping this forum open. I am sure these dialogues are helping people. It has helped me realize that I am not a bad person, I just fell in love with someone with a lot to hide. Unfortunately for me, I saw too late what the issues were and now am paying a high price.
I wish I had found this forum a long time ago.
Everything you say is true. Cheating can also lead to battering in some cases. But, even when there is no cheating, batters do the the same thing to their spouses or partners.
However, I went to a “free” program at the “Y” which “anyone” can go to. It is a program for abused spouses. Cheating is also abusive. One thing I learned there was what part I played in all of this. That was a shocker.
First I unconsciously ignored all the signs. I enabled the behavior by continuing to “accept it” and by “justifying it!” But, the “Y” teaches women how to recognize the signs and about the cycle of violence. Unfortunately, it is harder for men to get such help due to the stigma and social attitude.
You deserve a lot of credit for your journey from victim to a person of self worth. You are a much stronger person now!
Hey, deveildog, sorry for the gender confusion! OORRAAHH, anyway!
Let me say just a couple more things that I think will help. I have done plenty of research and have been in counseling myself to help deal with the after effects of all this. Cheating is much, much less about the one left behind than it is about the cheater themselves. It is usually about their own low self-esteem and self-worth. What makes it hurtful to the faithful partner is perception on your own part – what did I do, what didn’t I do, am I pretty/handsome enough, am I a good enough partner, am I good enough in bed, etc. – those questions all come up. There is nothing less affirming than having someone cheat on you. It hurts like hell. All those visceral responses you feel – like your guts have been ripped out – are natural. What makes it even worse is when the offender has no remorse, guilt or shame over what happened or even rubs it in your face. The “I can have any body I want, look at me, I attract so many lovers, etc.” attitude lowers the self-esteem of the person who was wronged, even though they have nothing to be ashamed of or to hide. It is an odd little conundrum of the human psyche.
But, look at this way, if it happened to someone who is as educated and learned about this as I am, it can happen to anyone. Not to put people on warning about their spouse/gf/bf, etc having an affair, but to put people on notice to communicate better and be cautious with each others hearts.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help, civilian or military. Right now, the only place the military has to go for this kind of issue is the chaplain – use them. Hopefully, things will get better all around. It seems like the media has put infidelity in the forefront of the news these past couple of months, maybe with good results. Good luck to all.
Devildog, it was a pleasure.
Madashell, first off, I am a female ex-Marine. I like to clarify that from time to time. I was in four years during Vietnam; but, never deployed. They didn’t deploy women in combat areas except in rare fields like medical.
I thank you for the kind words. I’m sorry about your situation. One good thing is “you” did learn from yours and are making changes. Good for you. Your words here are right on target.
Sadly mental help still has a stigma in regular society much less the military. Neither has discovered that those who seek help and really use it are stronger and all the better for it. They are also more dependable.
I am trying to start a forum for this topic but have yet to find a forum format I like. That’s why I have allowed this post to grow into its own forum.
You keep on doing what you’re doing. You’re on the right path. You deserve a lot of credit!!
No offense taken, devildog, I think you are a pretty reasonable guy for an ex-grunt!! I have been following your blog since I first found it the FIRST time I found out she cheated on me – stupid me for taking her back and expecting her to change. The biggest problem with this particular issue is that it has been swept under the rug for so long, nobody will step up to be a champion for change. There is a certain culture within the military that the general public has absolutely no clue exists – this is just a part of it. There are many other issues that need adressing that professional soldiers just don’t have the time or energy to tackle. They are too busy dealing with REAL issues, like the war.
Back in WWII the Japanese did similar things, but on the civilians that they conquered. Sociologists say that the farther away from home and loved ones people get, the less likely they are to hold on to the morals and values that they were brought up with. So cheating in the military shouldn’t surprise anyone. It is pretty much par for the course and I really believe, if proper study was done, people would be shocked at the pervasiveness that exists. My own research, mostly journal reviews internet searaches, etc., (all of which I have done in my own healing process) show that it is pretty wide spread. But, it is one of those things that people are loath to be honest about – so how accurate will any research be? The best hope and option would be education and support, distraction, more structured free time, etc. But there really is no stopping it, just as alcoholics will find a way to drink, cheaters will find a way to cheat.
Like any mental health problem, the best approach would be prevention and treatment, but you can’t make someone go, just like you can’t bring a horse to water and make it drink. They have to come to the conclusion on their own and do it. The military must have support systems in place AND make it more acceptable to seek out that help. The other unfortunate thing here is that our political establishment is just as bad. Why would they step up to do anything about a prob;em that is just tas pervasive in their arena? Just look at our former commanders in chief! Anyway, thanks for the blog and I hope people who are reading this stuff get something out of it and realize it is the cheater who is in the wrong. If you are the faithful one, don’t get caught up in giving them a second (or in my case, a third chance). Give them their walking papers and move on with your life. You as the one who waited for them deserves better. You who kept the homefires burning deeserve respect, love, compassion, friendship and faithfulness. Take care of yourselves first, they certainlly weren’t thinking about you when they made a concious choice to take their clothes off and bet in bed, bunker, truck, tent, whereever, to have sex wirth someone else. Drop them, they aren’t worth the tears. Good luck and well wishes.
Madashell, good for you. You bring up excellent points. I especially agree with you over the Military and the stigma of mental health. Far too many see mental health help as weakness. Believe me when I say that nothing could be further from the truth in most cases. People who are willing to really do the work come out of it much stringer and healthier. For an educated nation and a “super power” we have still got some archaic views on some things. Thanks for not taking offense. I assure you, none was intended. You came back, as I hoped with an excellent response. Thank you. Please come back. Your knowledge and wisdom will be an asset.
devildg,
I was 19 when I did it and learned that it was a mistake. I am much older than that now and it has never happened again. This particular person has been in the military longer than I have been out. Her and her group of friends (not just the people in her unit or the base) and they are many, have been at this sort of behavior for a long time – some of them 20 years. They have long sicne learned to cover for one another and lie to and for each other. They fully believe in the adage “what happens on TDY stays on TDY.” I feel sorry that they, as a group, have sullied the reputations of so many who serve faithfully in more ways than one. I am sorry, but I disagree with you on the majority of people not cheating – either that or it is a very noisy minority. I have many friends who are still in and say it is just as bad as I have decribed. For the women, it is and has become a ready pool of men who they can pick and choose from to cheat on the ones who wait at home.
IMHO, it has become a sad state of affairs, pun intended, that the miltary establishment has not done more to prevent this from happening and promote more family stability. The family readiness program is a joke. Counseling for military members is also a joke, it can go against them when they have their reviews for promotion. Thay all have to sign a form that they have not seen a psychiatrist in the last year. It is a stigma that they military needs to overcome to aid in the mental well being of the troops – for all sorts of reasons, not just this one.
Let me also say this, I am a medical professional, I deal with issues of this sort all the time. You are right, people who cheat will do it anywhere they are and aytime they can. They are like alcoholics, etc. So, part of my point in saying that is, why send an alcoholic to a bar? Fix the problem and enforce the rules. There will be a lot less broken families out there.
Madashell, where are you any better. It takes two to cheat!! If you have read all my posts then you know I believe in accountability for one’s conduct. While you sit on your lofty pedestal putting down women cheaters, what made you get involved with a married women, etc.. Come on, show some balls of your own. Tell the victims who come here why someone cheats! You may even help them and yourself out in the process.
I realize I have come down on you pretty hard. But, what can I say. You caught me on a less than charitable day. So are you up to the challenge? Personally, I feel those who cheat in the military will for the most part cheat whether in the military or not.
I do feel that the pressures of war can lead to others cheating.
But I refuse to agree that most “military men and women cheat whether deployed or not!” Most have too much self pride to do so. They also have too much respect for their spouses and families!
Cheaters are like flies and, drunks, addicts, etc., they all recognize each other. At least most are. The rest are parasites who feed off the inexperienced or lonely. Of course, there are always exceptions to any rule or statement. Sometimes things just happen in the heat or adrenalin of the moment!
I never expected this post to stir up so many responders and interested readers. But, this post has developed into a forum within my blog! If it helps one person, then it has done its job!
Keep’em coming folks! May you all find what you need here if only comraderie, support, or a sounding board.
Hey, devildog,
I have some news for you. Cheating n the military is as pervasive as it ever has been. In fact it is worse. I was in the service some 20 years ago and found it very easy to find someone to spend the night with when I was single – whether they were married or not. I have been invlolved with some one – a female officer who is twice divorced – for the last couple of years. As our relationship has progressed, the stories come out. She has been in for a long time and has never stopped cheating, whether she was married, they were married or “committed” to me. She has been with more than 10 different men in the last few years – all while on deployment. Most of these were in the middle east – so yes, in bunkers, in rooms, in town at hotels, etc. It happens more than the general public realizes. It is pervasive. All of her friends cheat – both male and female. A recent deployment to Europe had her friends all booking trips to Amsterdam to go to the sex shops and hookers. And all of the people she has cheated with have been military personnel, so leave Jody out of it.
I am a huge supporter of the military, their mission and how they protect our freedoms. But you should stop making excuses for this behavior and be more outspoken and proactive in getting the miliotary to acknowledge and enforce the rules about infidelity and other rules about sex in the military. My now ex-girlfriend could have been courtmartialled on numerous occasions and was even caught in flagrante with no recourse. So, stop pussyfooting around the issue and have some balls to speak out. The military is loaded, especially for women, with opportunities to cheat. It is a license to steal. All you wives out there, beware of the women in the military. I won’t say which branch, but they have a lot of time on their hands in those big bases and many places to steal away for activity.
🙂
Lol, Susanna, that is a great blog. I admire this guy’s efforts.
http://bachelor-husband.blogspot.com/
Good luck. Things may yet work out for you guys.
thanks, i’ll let you know how things go 🙂
Marine, what you said is exactly what I saw when I was there (USAF). It is true that when that dear john letter comes, that airman, marine, soldier,etc. does become suicidal and a liability. I saw it happen as did you and many others. Amen brother…
Ask him to go to counseling with you! What he did was what every soldier does, panic that their wife or girlfriend will cheat on him. Only he handled it poorly. But so did you! You guys seem young. You both need to learn how to talk, forgive, and trust each other. Relationships are not about getting even or showing someone else that if they accuse you of something you may as well do it! Instead you learn to say well, he’s just worried. I’ll need to reassure him. But, they also aren’t about constantly testing your girlfriend either.
You were both wrong. You both need to go together so you can learn with a professional how to develop the trust you need. One other word of caution, you also need to make sure that he isn’t overly possessive which can become abusive.
You shouldn’t be making all the changes.
I am currently the ex-girlfriend of a marine. We had been together for a year when he left for bootcamp last may. At the time our relationship was very serious and i promised him time and time again that he had nothing to worry about while he was gone. About three weeks into his training all the letters i got were filled with him questioning me and wondering why i hadnt written. I was confused because not only had a been faithful, i had written him every single day! At that point i was feeling not only lonely but also angry at the fact that he was basically chewing me out via letter when i was sitting home crying, trying to figure out how to function with out my boyfriend and best friend. Soon after recieving these letters i went out and kissed three different guys, two were drunken mistakes, while one (also a mistake) was a good friend on mine. It all happened within a week and for the rest of the summer i remained faithful. It was a one time thing with each of the guys and nothing beyond kissing ever occured. However, when my marine returned home and found out about one of the guys, i paniced and lied about it. Within a day i had confessed to the whole thing and later told him about the other two as well. Although just days before he was talking about marriage and a life together, he broke up with me on the spot.
Becasue he is a reservist, he recently returned home and weve been trying to work through all of this. Over the last few months there have been a lot of ups and downs. Moments where he says that he could never be with me again, and times where he says that he still wants to marry me. Since he’s been home, i’ve done everything i can to prove to him that i love him and that i learned from my mistakes and that i would never do that again. Although he aknowledges the positive changes i’ve made, he still cannot seem to get over what happened. Just when it seems like things are getting better it goes right back to the same talk about “how could you do this” and “how do i know you wouldnt do it again.” I love this man with all of my heart and am more sorry than anyone could ever know. I genuinely feel that i would never make that same mistake again and have made a lot of changes in my life to prove that. Because of all his mixed emotions, i dont know what else i can do to try and make this work or help him get over it. I really do love him and want to do whatever i can to help him and make sure that he’s happy. He didnt deserve what i did to him and i regret it more than anything. Still, i’m in love with this man and i truly belive that if we can make it through this, we could really be happy toghether…ANY ADVICE??
TJ, not knowing any more than you wrote about your girlfriend, it is hard to know what to say. Many say if a person cheated on one person they will cheat on another. But it isn’t all that black and white. Have you told her what you want to do? If so, does she support your feelings? How long have you been together? Are you married, living together, or what?
Personally, I believe your other half should improve your life and you their’s. Part of that is trust. Part is allowing each to follow their dreams within reason! You can possibly go to a support group for deployed and ask them about the hardships involved. I’m not sure if that is OK or not. But, it can’t hurt to ask.
Another thing, don’t listen to other people so much. You have instincts. You feel their guide at the pit of your stomach just above your abdomen. Trust it. It never lies to you.
In any event, if you can’t trust this young lady, even if you do love her, why would you want to stay with her? Talk to her. Be honest. Tell her you are afraid and why. Tell her what you want to do. Military service is hard, I won’t lie to you. But for couples it is also a partnership too. You will both serve in your own way. Once you two talk, you will have to decide what to do. Be prepared that she may not want this.
If it is what you really want to do, no matter who you are with it will be an issue. Your first decision will have to be whether or not you are going to join. Otherwise you will eventually blame and resent the girl you are with, whoever she is. But, give this girl a chance and tell her what you want to do. Honesty and communication is a must no matter what!
I’ve been wanting to join the Army or the Marines since I could remember. I have a few friends who are now deployed to Iraq and to hear their stories of their wives cheating. I had a friend who wasn’t even married a week and his wife cheated on him. He was devasted, and it was tough to watch it.
Back to me, I dated a girl off and on for about 4 years. Since I wanted to join the Army or Marines, we would get in heated debates about the soldiers involement in Iraq, and then she told me if I joined she wold more likely cheat…. she didn’t come out to say it, but it was something along the lines of “I couldn’t wait that long for you to call, and I want travel and see the world” and such.. so… it was strange.
Now I’m with a new girlfriend, and she is great. She’s wonderfull, and I care for her much more then I do myself. I’ve tried different jobs off and on, and I can’t seem to find a job that I like… and it always comes back to Army or Marines.
So, I’m just worried that if I do decied to join either branch that she would end of cheating. She has a history of cheating on her ex boyfriend. She was very honest about it… it’s just, I’m afraid that she would easily do it to me. Don’t get me wrong, I love her… she’s perfect in everyway and I’m a lucky man to have her… it’s just…. I’m afraid. I really want to join up, but I haven’t because of afraid of losing her. She’s been with me through my ups and downs, and I feel guilty for feeling that way… but it’s a fear I have.
Feedback would be great. I’ve been trying to read up on the military and I stumlbed on this site.
Eva, your points are well made. I do disagree with one however. Not, all Army women cheat with married men while deployed. Unfortunately, they aren’t the ones we hear about. As for the STD’s, I can believe that.
I imagine that as women put in combat situations learn better how to cope as our men have done over decades, we will see less female cheating. Believe me I don’t condone what the cheaters are doing. But, I think I can see how the female cheaters in combat are drawn in. Fear is a powerful motivator. Untested fear is even more powerful. As more and more women experience the fear of combat and see that it can be an ally and they can use it to their advantage, I honestly believe there will be less.
I don’t condone the Army or any service branch down playing this; but, I can see why it is happening. Traditionally our women don’t fight. The “little woman” is to be protected at all cost.She is too fragile for such things. Breaking that mold is very hard for all sides of the issue. We are experiencing a major social change here.
Personally, I feel it is a necessary change. The nature of terrorist warfare and it worldwide spread makes none of us immune. Like it or not, the enemy is on our shores. Biding their time, they will strike when it suits their objectives. If our men and women know how to defend the home front, we stand a better chance of surviving and winning.
There is also the political aspect. The “progressive” anti-war movement is having a tremendous impact right now. While I agree more and more of mainstream America is waking up the threat these people present to our nation, our military must carry on. That means more and more women will be tested in combat to fill roles caused by lack of enough men.
Financial problems, injuries, and the cost, and the refusal of Congress to give our military what they need to do their job forces many soldiers that would stay in to leave when their deployment is over to find ways to support their family. And, who can fault them?
I am an army wife, and have been through many deployments..Out of all the wives in the last 7 years and 4 installations I have befriended, been on the FRG with, or our kids played together often only 1 was a cheating idiot..Army times released recently an article talking about STD’s among Female Soldiers being alarming. I have also befriended army women in the past but had to opt out of our friendship due to moral conflict. I have seen children torn apart because daddy had an affair in Iraq or Afghanistan with desert sally. I have heard the men claim “baby I love you, I was just horny and she came onto me” exclaimed to their wives. I watched one guy spend all of his money on his ever so heroic army lover and oops didn’t buy his kids anything for christmas that year,,,I however played santa in his stead..Cheating happens,,this is no secret,,but here is the kick in the ass,,,if I were to cheat I am just classified as a cheating ass army wife and how dare I do such a thing,,blah blah blah….If it is an army woman who sleeps with married men on deployment there are excuses to why it happened and god bless her for defending our country..To be quite honest here I don’t much give a shit about boohoo broken hearts and who screwed who,,the big picture here is the children involved..If you are a military female soldier,,you have plenty of single soldiers ready to bond with you during your hardships, by all means be a slut…But leave the married with children men alone..your few minutes of orgasm doesn’t compare to the childrens suffering during a long drawn out divorce..If you want to cheat while deployed do your wife and kids a favor and call them so that they can begin the grieving process and move on with their lives. You can’t have your cake and eat it to, sorry to be the bearer of bad news,,and as far as the what happens in Iraq stays in Iraq thing,,give me a break, you guys come home get wasted, and oops it comes out..I refuse to give an ounce of respect to army women especially because I have yet to come across one that is just defending her country and doing her job with honor. I have on more than one occassion had to help an army wife with her kids to get the BAH she deserved after her husband left her for sgt.hobag. I am even starting a website soon that assists army wives who have no help and just need the money to get to their home state to get help from their families ever since GI hero had hanky panky with GI ho. I had a recent issue in Ft.Polk Louisiana where he actually cheated on his wife with an army woman, and left her with no food, and no real way to work. See, until you can get a divorce, which usually takes a year in most states, you have to pay child care at a married rate. For one child this is almost 200 dollars a week. For two it’s even more..So when an army guy walks out on his family and in many cases it’s for an army woman at work, it leaves the army wife pretty much screwed. I have seen it time and time again. So basically what I am saying here is the kids are being hurt and it’s usually kept hush hush. How dare you ruin lives and then come back from a deployment with the band playing in your honor,,you sicken me..You claim to defend our freedom, and assume it’s ok to sleep with our husbands while doing so..May god help you..kharma will catch up with you…
Thank you!
Too all those who serve America and her interests…I salute you!
Iranian Ajax
TMG:
DON’T TELL HER! This is not the time for her to find out. Also,the best way to lose a friend is to tell them their husband is cheating. When he gets back maybe your husband can have a talk with him. Or then you may decide to tell her. But, not now while he’s deployed and later, well, I’d suggest you and your husband talk and weigh the risks and out come.
I will say this. If he is cheating over there, he probably cheated back home too.If he has then she already knows it and is unwilling to face it yet. I know this from personal experience and from three years of going to the battered women’s program at the “Y.”
Tina:
Yeah, I do. He is deployed in combat now. Even though it is very hard for you, for your own sake and his I really think it is better to wait until he comes back. Now if he brings it up, then that is different. But, if he appears to have had a weak and stupid moment, you might consider telling him if he brings it up that you are terribly hurt by what he did but now is not the best time to talk about it. That when he comes home you both have some serious talking to do about your relationship. That’s my thoughts.
What does anyone else think. I don’t have all the answers. Advice, especially on this topic can be good,it can be bad even though it is well meaning.
hey guys it’s really nice to talk to ppl going through similar types of situations. CAG and TMG, I know that it’s pretty expensive to use phone cards in Iraq (apparently when used in Iraq they get significantly less minutes for the same price) so if your guys are not calling you much that might be another part of it and the fact that they are dead tired doing night duty and missions and such. Some guys like to talk when they’re that tired but I know there are guys out there like my boyfriend who just want to sleep when they have time to. But if you guys know of any good deals for phone calls from Iraq let me know because we haven’t found one yet. And thanks for the advice devildog. I had written my boyfriend a letter with all my thoughts and feelings on the cheating thing because I literally found out about this the day he was leaving for Iraq so when he called me to say I love you and I’m getting on the plane I was sitting on this huge doubt that I didn’t know how to even bring up. He knows something is wrong but I haven’t told him what it is yet. You really think the letter is a bad idea? I know this is probably the last thing he wants to think about right now but it is killing me…
Thankyou.
I have a really close friend who her hubby is over seas with mine… different MOS though… well everyone knows this guy is cheating on her.. but noone will tell her. She is miserable with him but decided to stay with him b/c of their child. Should I tell her he’s been cheating on her the whole time he’s been gone?? or just keep my mouth shut? It just breaks my heart when she talks about him and wonders why he doesnt call her… all I can think is what he’s doin behind her back. I dont know what to do.
Come here as often as you need to to get support. Don’t apologize for your fears. He’s a lucky guy. So are you!
Thanks for the advice and support…it’s really helpful to now I am not the only one. I know he’s tired… and I try to be as understanding as possible. I send him boxes and letters and pictures all the time. He keeps apologizing to me for not being here for the holidays and I keep telling him its ok we will be together for them next year. But yes I can understand the endless death and horror… it’s similiar to paramedics … so I can understnad how tired he msut be. Thanks ya’ll for the support though I really appreciate it.
Thus is a common event. Almost word for word I have seen the same thing allover the blogs. Many of the deployed soldier’s blog indicate that they feel bad about it but they don’t not call due to cheating. The war has had an effect on them. Then, they really are that tired of the endless killing and loss of lives they see every day. Just keep those letters going. They really need them now!
TMG, I am going through the exact same thing right now. We are in our mid twenties, and have been married for 2 years. He will be coming home in just a few weeks THANK GOD! Anyways he is usually really good at calling and emailing me, or talking on IM. But lately Im lucky if I hear from him twice a week, and when I ask him about it he says the same thing your says, that he is so tired and when he has free time all he wants to do is sleep. I dont know about your husband but mine husband goes on long missions and is still required to do PT every single day because the unit is falling behind so I mean of course they are tired. I can relate to you on this because I have no reason to believe he is cheating other than the horror stories I hear. I think it is just that we have been away from them for so long that our minds tend to take us places that we shouldnt be especially when there is no reason to be. Why put ourselves through the worry when there is no reason to. I am just rambling on I dont even know if any of this makes sense, but I hope it does. I have decided to let it go, I can completely understand how he could be so tired that he decided to sleep instead of call me, and to be honest I prefer him to be well rested rather than talk to me so they he can remain focused. Basically ..my advice to you..just let it go.
Ok I have a question.. my husband is deployed we are in are midtwenties with a new baby now. I would never think that he would cheat on me… but lately, he tells me he is going to call me then never does, and he’ll call the next day and say that he slept all day on his day off b/c he’s so tired. Other then him not calling I have no other reason to believe he’s cheating… but him not calling.. it’s just not like him. He would normally call eveyr single day whether he was dead tired or not. I’m not sure if it’s jsut me friekin out b/c of a previous relationship where I was cheated on and badly hurt… or if something is up?
Please help cause I don’t know who else to talk to or ask that would understand deployment issues. Thanks.
Tina, that is a hard question to answer. He may have done so for that reason. He may also have wanted a last fling so to speak. Often marriage proposals before deployment guarantee they have something of theirs left behind or to comeback to. Most of the proposals are very sincere. But, were deployment not so real, might come later instead when things have progressed more reasonably.
You only have this girl’s word that he cheated. I wouldn’t ask him about it now while he is deployed if you guys are still corresponding. It will be very hard but for now, I would see how his letters go and then follow my gut reaction. Just trust your instincts. No man who loves you or woman for that matter, will cheat on you just because you don’t want to marry them now.
You were very honest with him about your feelings it seems. I assume he appeared to accept your decision and didn’t tell you it was over? You are right to consider your age. I assume also he too is young. You made a wise, thoughtful, and mature decision. If he loves you and you love him, it will withstand the time he is deployed and his enlistment.
If not, you saved both of you a lot of pain later. In any event, I still say don’t bring up the cheating accusation unless he does until he re-deploys home. Deployed soldiers have enough to deal with. I know it will be hard and doubts will come up but again, trust your gut to help you handle this.
If he did cheat, you may find when he comes home he is more mature and it won’t happen again. It is just very hard to second guess. That is why I prefer to lean on the side of giving him the benefit of the doubt for now.
hi my boyfriend is deployed in Iraq right now. He talked to me about marriage a few times after he found out he would be leaving but I told him that I wouldn’t marry him while he was still in the marines and we don’t even live in the same state as well as the fact that I am only 20 and still in school. Anyway, before he left I found out he had slept with another woman one time in his room where my pictures were still up all over his room. Of course the girl found me on myspace and decided to tell me about it. I just don’t understand. Do guys just freak out before they head out to Iraq and decide to do whatever they want? Or do you guys think this was a result of my disinterest in the marriage conversation? Just looking for some advice…
Let me know if you need any help with it. It’s pretty easy once you get going.
k thanks!!!…=)
If you just got married, congratulations. It is normal for newlyweds to be insecure. Don’t look for cheating when you have no reason to do so. Cheating can happen anywhere and everywhere. It is not a strictly military thing. Focus your attention on trust and those cards, letters, and care packages.
hi i just wanted to know. im 19 and got married to my man two days before he left to bct..where hes still at now. has there been any cases of cheating in bct?! and how could we know>?
It is sad that someone could be so uncaring about the feelings of another. But, those men, and women, are every where. War, though no excuse, brings out the worst in a few and the best in many!
I was engaged to a First SEargeant or so i thought. he deployed to Iraq and while i was scared for him he spent the entire 12 months cheating. Well the soldier he was cheating with made sure i got some emails. Well he is now a SGM at ft. stewart deployed to iraq again but i am no longer with him. He has always been a cheating as i found out. Also he was accussed of sexual harrassment while he was over there the first time. He keeps getting away with things. I found out later that he is a suspected bi-sexual male. I now see there are a lot of soldiers on the down low over there and putting us women at risk for AIDS> . there are also some really loose female soldiers also. They make it easy for them. I spent 15 years in the Army myself and i have seen it all. I just hopre the madness stops.
Infidelity is not accepted and covered up as a rule. I agree there are cases where this does happen. However, you will have consequences if you are caught!
Infiedelity is accepted and covered up in the military. I know first hand. My wife is an officer and had numerous affairs with other married officers. Her command doesnt care, they are doing it to.
I believe what happened to you is true. I do not believe 10% of the women in the service are sleeping around with the “all” 90% males. I served in the USMC for four years. I lived in D.C after my E.O.L.. My experience is that there are just as many cheaters outside the military as in the military. I say this because we had to be very careful of every thing we did that affected the image of the Corps to the point , at times, of paranoia!
Maybe it is a little easier for men to cheat because they are under less scrutiny. But, as, one guy posted on a related blog, when they come back to the FOB, all they think about is food and sleep in that order. Oh yeah, they also thank God they made it another day!
I am an Army wife of a soldier deployed to Iraq and I can personally vouch that A LOT of them are sleeping around. Im not saying ALL of them, but definately many. And as far as only 10% of them being women…ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME????? From what I have seen & heard, these 10% are sleeping around with ALL of the 90% of the male soldiers. This is not just during deployment…this happens while at their Home Duty Stations as well. And the spouses usually never find out about what is going on. There is something like an “Army Code of Silence” & ALMOST No one will break that code. once again, I am not saying that EVERY Soldier is cheating on his or her spouse, but I am saying that there is a possibility. Like someone said earlier…when u put a lonely man and a lonely woman together…alone…and they share some kind of bond because of things they have experienced together while serving in the military…ANYHTING IS POSSIBLE!! Yep…Even your Spouse!!! I had to learn all of this the hard way & am very proud to say that I stayed true to my hubby (soon to be EX- hubby) through his training, long hours, deployments, etc. It’s his loss, not mine.
ok listen up people, this is matthew i am in the infantry and from what i have read here is that people in iraq are screwing each other let and right, is correct. well i have a news flash for you. to the people that are writting this you are all pogs, now im not trying to insult you in any way, but when you say that pretty much all people over here cheat try next time to be more specific to whom you are talk about. i know all my guys out here we are to busy getting shot at on a daily basis. we operate out of a jcob only to come back to the fob for three days. i have to go on a mission i will write later
I’ve been married for 13 years with two young daughters. I recently saw changes in my husband’s behavior. He started going out more after work, constantly texting on his cell phone. When his cell would ring he would jump to get it. He kept telling me it was a co-worker and it had to do with work. I questioned him about cheating, but he denied it. I needed answers and hard proof that my gut feelings were true and I wasn’t imagining it. I ended up contacting AllState Investigations, which are private detectives and do work statewide. Well, to make a long story short, they caught him with another woman in a romantic relationship. Now I have pictures, video and a detailed report of everything that happened. To see his face drop was PRICELESS!!! It was such a good feeling to have physical evidence in my hands that he could NOT deny. Check out their websites http://www.94truth.com or http://www.infidelity.com
JLO, I agree with you, this is no joking matter. There as many lousy girlfriends as there are lousy boyfriends or significant others. You chose to handle yours with good sense and judgement. Good for you. You are right about the warning signs. I think we are all afraid to admit that is what they really are, myself included.
If I weren’t an old “bat” I might look you up myself :), lol! Take care, you’re going to be alright. You have a good head on your shoulders. You’ll find her when you least expect it and stop looking!
Do not joke about it either. LOL I just broke up with my girl. She is going on a trip with her best friend (her best friend has a long distance relationship). She all of a sudden got her hair done, a peticure, and some new clothes. Her friend “joked” that she her boyfriend was bringing a friend along to meet my girl. Then my girl “joked” that different area codes don’t count. Joke or not, I wasn’t having it. Broke up with her on the spot. FYI this is not funny to a guy. Especially when you do all the things to make yourself prettier when you going away from your man. We aren’t all dumb 🙂 Just thought I’d add that. BTW I am a good man and Im single now 😛
Well said. Thank you!
Good lord! Cheating is wrong can we all agree on that? Sometimes people aren’t meant to be together, if you’re spouse is deployed at least have the decency to wait till he gets back to unleash your news to him/her that you’re don’t want to be in the marriage, because clearly you don’t. Marriage is a commitment you either love honor and cherish that person, it’s not you love honor and cherish that person if/when they’re around. As well, soldiers, give me a break, you’re away from home and fighting for your country and you’re lonely? Um no…you’re married, same thing applies, you’re not commited. Rf you have the need to be intimate with someone, be it online or off, then you’re not committed to your husband/wives. And that in itself is wrong. If you’re a soldier, show the same courage and respect for yourself and your spouse as you do when you put on your uniform. Life is too short to be playing games with other people’s lives. You fight for freedom isn’t something you do when you get deployed, it’s something which should be part of you always.
Your points are well taken. I have to say I agree with most of them. As for the age difference, many of the best marriages are between men and women where the guy is about 7-9 years older. You sound like a pretty decent guy and I think you and your wife are both very lucky. I wish you both great happiness and a long life together.
OK……here is the deal……I am a spouse……would NEVER even consider cheating…….BUT…..anytime you put lonely men and lonely women together in any situation for a long time…….your asking for trouble…….its just a bad, bad, bad idea. Sure there are people who in any situation won’t cheat. It happens ALOT. My husband was a DI for the last 3 years and where we were……….geeez………lets just say, of the 11 married couples that I came to know while there…….8 went down in flames, and the others were at the very least affected by cheating…….either of a fellow DI, or neighbor etc…I was disgusted when we finally left there.
I just have one more thing to say now that I have enjoyed a weekend with my “very young” girlfriend. (I dont know how but I ended up with someone 9 years my junior, she is 19. I was thinking about while it is so much fun being with her… What problems will I face if I am deployed again? What happens when she is 21 and is just STARTING the Club scene? It’s a veritable candy store for such a young woman to all of a sudden be exposed to hundreds of eligible bachelors at a time… I am not an insecure man by any means. But really, who would be to blame in this scenario? I would say her of course. But I can’t ignore the fact that she is young and wants to have fun. I love her to death and she me. But age does have alot to do with this. Anyways. Where I am going with this is… umm this 🙂 The more I think about it too. So many Serviceman join to “be a man” or to show their independence, and while they do prove themselves as men or women and are better people for having passed boot camp etc… This does NOT necessarily mean they are more mature or of course they are not as experienced as someone older. I say this in point of fact that many of them BELIEVE themselves to be marriage material at 17-19 LOL. I have seen more then 1 Marine graduate bootcamp and marry their highschool girlfriend because everything will be taken care of as far as bills and home go. Imagine being freshly married 4 months after high school. I dunno, I thought I would play devil’s advocate a bit here to be fair… I still dont agree with cheating for ANY reason. But I can’t ignore this.
I agree with you. That is such a cop out. I hope you don’t mind I used your post here. It was just such a good post.
Its true a few of the men do cheat while deployed. But lets be real. What is it 10% of the service is women and they do deploy with us. And there are SOMETIMES laundry ladies on base. But to say that ALOT of the cheating happens on deployment is wrong. (I am speaking of wartime… If your husband is cheating in Thailand, YES HE IS WRONG and I have NEVER subscribed to the What happens in Thailand stays in Thailand Mantra).
SoldierGrrrl, you are right. Maybe if we get it out in the open we can help each other find solutions whenever possible.
I guess having been both deployed and at home, I see it a bit differently.
You may not have cheated, but even wearing a wedding ring in Iraq was a fast way to get propositions, since “what happens on deployment stay on deployment.” Military folx cheat on deployment, a lot of them. It’s no less damaging to find out when you’re at home, because this person you’ve been trying to hold it together for…they’re cheating. Does NOT in any way excuse the cheating on the home front, but I’m not about to sit here and pretend that it’s the spouses at home that are the only ones screwing up. It’s probably a bit different in the Marine units, as you don’t have nearly as many females around?
We had soldiers, quite a lot of them married males, hooking up in bunkers, in the motorpools, anywhere and everywhere.
I didn’t cheat, my husband didn’t cheat and I’m proud of that. I’m saddened by so many marriages that are destroyed by cheating. It’s an epidemic, that’s not helped by the generally young median age of military families.
That is so very true.I guess I just figured there would be more trust. At 58 I am still a bit naieve.
of course, it’s one of the big topics that creep into our minds if we’re in any type of relationship! It’s why it’s so fascinating.
No, I don’t mind as long as you give the poster their credit. Wasn’t this guy’s post awesome. It’s about time the guys started commenting. No matter what I post about the three posts about cheating all or one at a time stay at the top of my most viewed post. Go figure@
Do you mind if I quote some of this for my own blog? this is a topic I’ve been wanting ot tackle ever since J got his orders to Iraq!