The trip to the hospital [part 2]


The journey to the hospital felt like a race against death. Not the death of my body, but my mind! All the way to the hospital, I kept talking to myself inside my head. Over and over I said, “hold on, I just have to hold on!” My mind felt like it was going away. I was slipping into nothingness. Where was it going. Did your mind just decide to leave your body? What would happen to me? Would I cease to exist? Could the doctors get it back for me?

Then it occurred to me, if my mind went away, how could I tell the doctors what was happening to me! I was overwhelmed by yet another sense of greater urgency and fear. I had to get there before my mind left. I started reading road signs. I knew that as long as I could read the signs, my mind wasn’t gone. I would trick it into staying within me. I could no longer project my thoughts beyond those block at a time distances.

I began to wrestle with another thought. I must stay in control of my life. I could not let myself be committed. I could not let that one last vestige of my self go. I needed to have control of my own destiny where ever it took me! At that point in time, that was all I had left.

We finally arrived at the hospital, a large state run Psychiatric facility in Northern Virginia. The moment I stepped through the front door, I knew I was safe. How I knew, I don’t know. I just knew!

I must have filled out and signed a thousand papers. My mom said that finally that night she would be able to sleep. My brothers and sisters seemed to be wondering, what the heck was this all about? My dad, well he was my dad. He had that same look he always had in a crisis that said I’m not sure what to think or do right now!

As the medication began to creep through my body and I drifted off to my first night of sleep in quite a while a very small voice inside my head said, “what the hell have I let myself in for now!”

The journey begins!

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~ by devildog6771 on August 9, 2005.

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