Cheating Military spouses??

UPDATE:

This topic has been moved to “a new” “Hello Iraq Forum.”

UPDATE:

This topic has been moved to the new “Hello Iraq Forum.” This is a forum for military families/people who have experienced cheating by a spouse or significant other. Just click on the link here and the whole post and all the comments are there. Take a look around. Tell me if you want something added or changed.

I often participate in a couple forums where we give and receive support. The issue of “cheating” came up. There were many opposing views presented that either justified or condemned cheating.

Of course things got a bit heated as this is a very sensitive issue for all of us whether deployed or at home. After one very candid response condemning cheating a deployed soldier presented a very candid description of what it is like to be at war and why some troops do cheat.

It would be inappropriate for me to repeat his comments but I can give a few main points. For instance he talked about how it felt to never know if a sniper was around the next corner or an IED just ahead both waiting to take “you out.” The fear and adrenaline that was a constant companion and made it almost feel “boring” in down time because the rest of the time it was all that kept them alive. He also told us how it felt to sleep with your weapon because it meant the difference between life and death.

I wish I could reprint his comments because they were so profound and impassioned, but as I said, it would not be appropriate.

What follows is my response to his comments. I felt this was a serious issue that concerns all families where a troop is deployed.

It is also important for those of us at home who enjoy our freedoms to know what it is like for our troops and their families. We need to know all they endure for our freedom and safety so we do not take them for granted but instead give them our undying support and gratitude.

Not just lip service. But cards, letters, visits to their loved ones to see if they are OK or need any help or just a friendly person to talk to. A shoulder to lean on. So we can encourage our elected officials to do their jobs and ensure these selfless people have the benefits they need so they don’t live in poverty which surprisingly many do.

With these things in mind here is my response:

Well, I have never been in war myself. But my nephew, who was like a brother, went to Kuwait. He had four little girls and a wife who loved him. He also had his mom, and the rest of the family, sitting at home day after day just praying the phone didn’t ring, a letter didn’t come, or a car didn’t show up at the door to tell us he was dead.

Kuwait was supposed to be a safe place to be sent at the time. But, there had been occasions where our troops were killed or endangered by attempted attacks against them. So, every newscast, we watched for his name. Day and night, we tried to go on and do the things we needed to do, but the fear of that call, letter, or visit was always there every where we went. Every day it loomed darker and larger like a huge cloud.

We didn’t complain, we just accepted it. That was our role. We waited for his first email or letter to tell us here where we could write him and send things. The fear, the loneliness, the isolation, only added to our fears. But we still carried on. That was our job.

He didn’t have to go. He was 32 and a many times decorated local police officer. His mom could have gotten him out of it as he was her only son, and her only child. But after 9/11 he felt it was his duty to enlist and be ready in case his country needed him. And, though we were afraid for him, we knew he did the right thing.

We never got that first letter. His mom and wife did get a couple emails. He died on March 5, 2004. He didn’t die in combat. He was killed in a car accident. The driver of his car pulled into the path of an oncoming vehicle. We died with him to a big degree that fateful day. We will never be the same. His youngest at 7 months will never remember him. The next to the youngest won’t either. But the seven year old and the five year old will remember him. They will also remember his promise that he would be OK and come back to them.

Those of us left behind may not be getting shot at or have to sleep with our guns. But, we also don’t have a “Band of brothers” to help us endure our fears for the safety of our loved ones deployed. We have the MSM to show us every negative aspect of what is happening in the war. They show every atrocity our troops and others endure. They show us every taped video with the screams and fearful pleas for help that we are helpless to give them.

All we can give them is our love, our prayers, our trust, our fidelity, letters, packages, etc., that may or may not get to our loved ones or make their lives easier while they fight this war.

We die a little each time a soldier is shot. We add to our shame each time it isn’t our loved one because we are so ashamed to admit to anyone that we are so glad that if someone had to die it wasn’t our loved one. We scream silently inside that it isn’t fair our loved one has to be a part of this hell. We pray for forgiveness for all our moments of despair and fear because we just know we ought to be stronger and that maybe if we aren’t strong enough God might not bring them home because we don’t deserve it.

We wish we could be there in the place of our loved one, then chastise ourselves because we don’t know if we have the guts or what it takes to do what our deployed loved one’s are doing.

I will always wish I could have been sent instead of my nephew. I would have gladly given my life for him, exchanged places with him. But, I couldn’t and can’t. I can only go to the cemetery at night and look on as the lantern by his grave caresses him in a way none of us can ever do again! He is now with God. But I am sure that we are in hell or at least as close to it as one can come here on earth.

His wife could no more have cheated on him than he could have cheated on his wife. You see, most of us left behind don’t have time to cheat because we are too busy praying for your safe return, raising our kids, taking care of the house and bills, getting together letters and packages for you, and trying let you know we support you and we’re OK, you don’t need to worry about us, we’re safe at home so we don’t have any problems at least not like what you are going through. We will never admit to you all that goes through our heads because we don’t want you to think we are weak. We don’t want you to worry or be distracted because it could make you careless and get you killed.

Now for anyone who thinks it’s OK or justified to cheat whether at home or deployed you now have both sides of the picture. I thank you for honestly telling us what it is like for you to be deployed.

Everyone at home needs to hear what it is really like for our deployed. I hope I did a decent job of presenting the other side, those of us left behind. Let’s face it. It is hell on both ends.
You all deserve all the support and help you can get whether deployed or at home because the sacrifices you make are enormous. I offer you my respect and heart felt thanks though they seem not enough. I offer you my prayers.

Cheating is an ultimate betrayal. We all know it happens on both sides. Sometimes it “just happens!” Others cheat because they can. Why some cheat and most don’t can’t really be answered. But no one can deny that it does happen, nor deny its impact on the military “family” at the single family level or at the over all family level. What we can do here is offer support and a sounding board for the victims of cheating.

We can hope that we can help each other survive the impact of cheating! God knows our military families need all the support they can get during this time of conflict and all that our military must deal with besides the impact of betrayal too!

[edited to provide a new forum url and correct errors and add clarity….dd]

~ by devildog6771 on May 19, 2005.