Cheating Military spouses??


This topic has been moved to “a new” “Hello Iraq Forum.”


This topic has been moved to the new “Hello Iraq Forum.” This is a forum for military families/people who have experienced cheating by a spouse or significant other. Just click on the link here and the whole post and all the comments are there. Take a look around. Tell me if you want something added or changed.

I often participate in a couple forums where we give and receive support. The issue of “cheating” came up. There were many opposing views presented that either justified or condemned cheating.

Of course things got a bit heated as this is a very sensitive issue for all of us whether deployed or at home. After one very candid response condemning cheating a deployed soldier presented a very candid description of what it is like to be at war and why some troops do cheat.

It would be inappropriate for me to repeat his comments but I can give a few main points. For instance he talked about how it felt to never know if a sniper was around the next corner or an IED just ahead both waiting to take “you out.” The fear and adrenaline that was a constant companion and made it almost feel “boring” in down time because the rest of the time it was all that kept them alive. He also told us how it felt to sleep with your weapon because it meant the difference between life and death.

I wish I could reprint his comments because they were so profound and impassioned, but as I said, it would not be appropriate.

What follows is my response to his comments. I felt this was a serious issue that concerns all families where a troop is deployed.

It is also important for those of us at home who enjoy our freedoms to know what it is like for our troops and their families. We need to know all they endure for our freedom and safety so we do not take them for granted but instead give them our undying support and gratitude.

Not just lip service. But cards, letters, visits to their loved ones to see if they are OK or need any help or just a friendly person to talk to. A shoulder to lean on. So we can encourage our elected officials to do their jobs and ensure these selfless people have the benefits they need so they don’t live in poverty which surprisingly many do.

With these things in mind here is my response:

Well, I have never been in war myself. But my nephew, who was like a brother, went to Kuwait. He had four little girls and a wife who loved him. He also had his mom, and the rest of the family, sitting at home day after day just praying the phone didn’t ring, a letter didn’t come, or a car didn’t show up at the door to tell us he was dead.

Kuwait was supposed to be a safe place to be sent at the time. But, there had been occasions where our troops were killed or endangered by attempted attacks against them. So, every newscast, we watched for his name. Day and night, we tried to go on and do the things we needed to do, but the fear of that call, letter, or visit was always there every where we went. Every day it loomed darker and larger like a huge cloud.

We didn’t complain, we just accepted it. That was our role. We waited for his first email or letter to tell us here where we could write him and send things. The fear, the loneliness, the isolation, only added to our fears. But we still carried on. That was our job.

He didn’t have to go. He was 32 and a many times decorated local police officer. His mom could have gotten him out of it as he was her only son, and her only child. But after 9/11 he felt it was his duty to enlist and be ready in case his country needed him. And, though we were afraid for him, we knew he did the right thing.

We never got that first letter. His mom and wife did get a couple emails. He died on March 5, 2004. He didn’t die in combat. He was killed in a car accident. The driver of his car pulled into the path of an oncoming vehicle. We died with him to a big degree that fateful day. We will never be the same. His youngest at 7 months will never remember him. The next to the youngest won’t either. But the seven year old and the five year old will remember him. They will also remember his promise that he would be OK and come back to them.

Those of us left behind may not be getting shot at or have to sleep with our guns. But, we also don’t have a “Band of brothers” to help us endure our fears for the safety of our loved ones deployed. We have the MSM to show us every negative aspect of what is happening in the war. They show every atrocity our troops and others endure. They show us every taped video with the screams and fearful pleas for help that we are helpless to give them.

All we can give them is our love, our prayers, our trust, our fidelity, letters, packages, etc., that may or may not get to our loved ones or make their lives easier while they fight this war.

We die a little each time a soldier is shot. We add to our shame each time it isn’t our loved one because we are so ashamed to admit to anyone that we are so glad that if someone had to die it wasn’t our loved one. We scream silently inside that it isn’t fair our loved one has to be a part of this hell. We pray for forgiveness for all our moments of despair and fear because we just know we ought to be stronger and that maybe if we aren’t strong enough God might not bring them home because we don’t deserve it.

We wish we could be there in the place of our loved one, then chastise ourselves because we don’t know if we have the guts or what it takes to do what our deployed loved one’s are doing.

I will always wish I could have been sent instead of my nephew. I would have gladly given my life for him, exchanged places with him. But, I couldn’t and can’t. I can only go to the cemetery at night and look on as the lantern by his grave caresses him in a way none of us can ever do again! He is now with God. But I am sure that we are in hell or at least as close to it as one can come here on earth.

His wife could no more have cheated on him than he could have cheated on his wife. You see, most of us left behind don’t have time to cheat because we are too busy praying for your safe return, raising our kids, taking care of the house and bills, getting together letters and packages for you, and trying let you know we support you and we’re OK, you don’t need to worry about us, we’re safe at home so we don’t have any problems at least not like what you are going through. We will never admit to you all that goes through our heads because we don’t want you to think we are weak. We don’t want you to worry or be distracted because it could make you careless and get you killed.

Now for anyone who thinks it’s OK or justified to cheat whether at home or deployed you now have both sides of the picture. I thank you for honestly telling us what it is like for you to be deployed.

Everyone at home needs to hear what it is really like for our deployed. I hope I did a decent job of presenting the other side, those of us left behind. Let’s face it. It is hell on both ends.
You all deserve all the support and help you can get whether deployed or at home because the sacrifices you make are enormous. I offer you my respect and heart felt thanks though they seem not enough. I offer you my prayers.

Cheating is an ultimate betrayal. We all know it happens on both sides. Sometimes it “just happens!” Others cheat because they can. Why some cheat and most don’t can’t really be answered. But no one can deny that it does happen, nor deny its impact on the military “family” at the single family level or at the over all family level. What we can do here is offer support and a sounding board for the victims of cheating.

We can hope that we can help each other survive the impact of cheating! God knows our military families need all the support they can get during this time of conflict and all that our military must deal with besides the impact of betrayal too!

[edited to provide a new forum url and correct errors and add clarity….dd]


~ by devildog6771 on May 19, 2005.

319 Responses to “Cheating Military spouses??”

  1. Asking for advise from military people. My fiancé is currently deployed for starters. I love my fiancé dearly that is why I come here for advise. I feel like I am on a never endin roller coaster due to ex sluts from his past. I guess women don’t know how to be loyal. Nor communicate when things need to be spiced up or wait for our service members to come home. Now due to there actions. I feel in some terms I am bein punished for it. My fiancé or bf idk which one it will be today Lol one min we are engaged next min we are not due to he feels we moved to fast. So I basically go with the flow whatever makes it easier on him. Before he left due to knowing his past relationships. I wrote down a his iPad all my passwords ect to my email phone bank accounts ect I also put a tracker on my phone only he knows the password on. I talk to his parent and family every two days. Which his dad is freaking awesome and halarious. His stepmom is amazing lady. Now his mommy crazy but awesome to lol. Still I feel it isn’t good enough for him. I talk about his home coming ect. Then he leaves it plain black and white or changes the subject. Says we will wait and see when we get there. Says he loves me and misses me bunches. Or some times tells me what he wants when he comes home. We are almost half way through deployment. I am askin for advise is there anything I can do to make things easier on him or to stop this roller coaster of emotions back and forth. I love him so much. I wish this would stop. Will this be easier and show him. When he returns home and no bad news besides I have been a home body. Miserable without him. Taking care of the kids ect. I do not go out ect. I ask permission before I go with a female friend. When he returns will he be able to move on from the past of what his ex gfs/ wife has done to him every deployment. I want to marry him and I want to go through good and bad with him. I want to be able to enjoy our time and not worry if he is completely damaged from the exs. When he returns home and I am waiting for him. No bad news ect. Will that show him I truly love him and will he see that. I love my marine and I am not going to give up. I just wanna have a lil advise or anyone know how long this will last for meaning his past with slut/ whore bags. I am ready to marry the man I love. Fear blocks that.

  2. Andy is my name…. I am happy to know a good spell caster called Dr bola, on this email i am thanking him for re-uniting me and my girlfriend within 3days after 5 months of DIVORCE. Am so happy you are there to assist those that have similar problem like divorce, bring back EX, pregnancy spell, broken marriage,lost of job, bringing back EX and how to make business move forward. I just have to reserve my comment cos more people are to testify of how great you are. thanks to the great spell caster, contact him for any problem, i guarantee your safety, contact him for any spiritual problems

  3. what I want to know is where is the benefits for the child left behind by a cheating vet? they still get the home loan benefits to move on with their new family, while the mother and grandparents are left behind to make a home and stable environmet for the child. Keep the child out of the projectcs with no help from the governemt. Don’t get me wrong, I support the sacrifice our troops make, but why do the children and moms end up with no benefits when a spouse decides to hookup with another military person? why do they get the benefits of education and buying a home when their first child is left to move from rental to rental, all because the job you signed up for was tough? Ever been the one on the receiving end of a child that doesn’t have the things they need unless a grandparent steps in, all the while thier new siblings have the best benefits the government has to offer?????

  4. Hello,
    Well I don’t know where to start, I know my still husband almost 5 yrs,been married almost 4 yrs.he was deployed right after I met him and he came to visit and proposed to me on his r&r. As he got back down range , I found him on several pages on the net and also different comments of woman’s that were down range with him, I knew right away that he was cheating on me.the hard part was, I was pregnant while he cheated on me million of times with ,I don’t know how many diffent womans.
    We couldn’t be together for almost 2 yrs ,cause we had issues with my immigrant papers,anyways once I had my papers done ,I left everything behind me to come to the us states to be with him and our son .I got here the 20th of dec. 2011 and 3 weeks later he tells me is over.after research ,I found out he has seeing someone (also military) way younger then him.
    I called her several times and told her to back off,now I am here try to get justice for all the thinkgs he has done for me but I do not have any chance.
    The army needs prove of them in action….. Funny thing is , they all know how he is and he gets away with it ….he was never a good husband or father and he will never be,he got so many complexes that to him is more important to screw around and have millions of other woman’s as to stand on his family and be there for them. He always has done this, even with his privious marriage and lost a daughter like this.his live is all about screwing around and get attention cause is self-esteem is so low.the only thing he has done so far,is destroying other ppl live without even feeling a little sorry about it.
    I know one thing for sure, even I do not get justice through the army, carma is a ……, he will get it back sooner or later!!!
    I take the best out of this, and is MY son. He has lost the best that someone could ever have in this one live we have……sorry for him? No,not at all.he will wake up sooner or later…..I try now to get everything that he has destroyed in my live straight ,once I am ready,I know my live will start to get way better as it ever was with him.

    It was he’ll for me all this almost 5 yrs.
    Ya I know, some will think,” why didn’t u leave him before?” I know, I ask this myself too now,so many times,I can’t change it,I wanted to give him this family he never had,seriously though? He is so poor, he is the one that does not have anyone and never will have. All alone like a dog and even his behavior is all like a dogg.

    I just thing the army should do more about this kind of guy’s and stop thinking that we as a spouse are just tripping, is easy for them, cause they are not in this situation, the army is not what all ppl think it is. They should go after soldier like him and do something about it.

    Maybe someone should bring story’s like this on tv,I wonder how many more stories will come out like this, I believe it will be millns of stories!!!!
    Take care of all of u!!!

  5. I just found out my wife cheated on me while on a deployment.

    I have very solid proof from both parties that would hold up in a court of law.

    I don’t think my marriage will ever be the same. What is the best way to go forward? Contact the Air Force, show them all my documents/emails, and then go from there?

    Should I contact the guys wife and let her know about it? The guy she cheated with is also married and has a kid.

    I have also seen some other conversations of my wives, and the guys on these deployments are pigs and borderline raping women.

  6. I am really disgusted by the things that i have read i have had minor encounters with military women and my husband. I think that the men and women that have been hurt should rise up and go against the organization itself. Im tired of it and something should be done. These ppl are not there to have sex and affairs and if they are not there to do their job then they need to be home.

    • Thats what I think too,ppl should rise up and do something about it ,cause obviestly We can’t count on their help! I would be the first person that is up for this.

  7. TRANSPLANT FROM THE OTHER BLOG ABOUT SAME: I know this is a touchy subject. I have been cheated on, and I have been stupid and cheated in the past. I have been married three times and God willing, third time is a charm. I was active duty for 14 years. I was deployed sometimes and other times I was the spouse at home. I have been on both sides of the fence and suffered through the trials and tribulations of both sides of the issue.

    I know what it is like to be the one at home, holding down the fort and wondering …and I know what it is like to stand a watch on the other side of the world while everything you love is in another time zone.

    What my following post represents is the best advice I have ever found. The bottom line about infidelity is this: Relationships take a profound amount of effort, trust, and love. Fidelity takes PREVENTION.

    You train when you are in the military as though the situation is real. Likewise, when you are in a committed relationship, you must take precautions to ensure that you can recognize a dangerous situation, navigate around it, and find your way back to your significant other.


    First let me say that the following is not my work- I obtained it from another source, but it helped me and my spouse to begin talking about infidelity and ways to avoid it:


    Nobody wakes up one day and suddenly decides to begin an extramarital affair. Infidelity begins in the heart and mind. By the time a person physically commits adultery, he or she has been indulging for quite some time in progressively more intense mental and emotional affairs.

    Before you were married, you may have had lots of friends of the opposite sex. But once you’ve said “I do,” your relationship with your spouse must now take priority over every other relationship, and it must be protected against any threat.

    So if you are close friends with someone of the opposite sex, you may need to honestly look at that relationship to determine if you have fallen into an emotional affair. Here are a few warning signs that may indicate your friendship has crossed the line from platonic to romantic:

    1.Do your conversations with your friend include things that should be kept between you and your spouse?
    2.Do you find yourself daydreaming about your friend?
    3.Have you found yourself withdrawing from your spouse emotionally or physically?
    4.Do you look for excuses to see or talk to your friend
    5.Do you share thoughts, feelings and problems with your friend instead of your spouse?
    6.Are you convinced that your friend understands you better than your spouse?
    7.Is there flirting or sexual tension between you and your friend?
    8.Do you look for “legal” ways to touch your friend (brush lint off his jacket, help her with her coat)?
    9.Do you find yourself paying attention to how you look before you see your friend?
    10.Is there any secrecy about your relationship (how much time you spend together, what you do together, what you talk about)?

    No marriage is affair proof. We are all at risk of losing our focus and being swept into an emotional affair. But you can do several things to safeguard your marriage:

    1.Stay honest with yourself and with your spouse. If you find yourself attracted to someone, admit it quickly to yourself and to your spouse. Honesty is the key to preventing a relationship from escalating into an affair.
    2.Avoid magazines, movies and other forms of entertainment that can increase your tolerance of affairs.
    3.Try to see your relationships from your spouse’s perspective. What would your spouse be comfortable with? How would he or she feel about what you are doing?
    4.Do not flirt. Most affairs begin with what’s considered “innocent flirting,” but there’s no such thing!


    5.Keep your marriage as your No. 1 priority. Make sure you are working to meet your spouse’s most important needs. If you’re not sure what those are, ask.
    6.Grow together spiritually. Pray with each other and for each other.
    7.Set boundaries about how you will interact with the opposite sex. For instance, you and your spouse may decide that neither of you will be alone with someone of the opposite sex, even for business lunches or late nights at work.
    8.Surround yourselves with happily married couples who don’t believe in fooling around.

    So how can you recognize an emotional affair? These signs may indicate that a relationship has gone too far:

    •You share personal thoughts or stories with someone of the opposite sex.
    •You feel a greater emotional intimacy with him/her than you do with your spouse.
    •You start comparing him/her to your spouse, and begin listing why your spouse doesn’t add up.
    •You long for, and look forward to, your next contact or conversation.
    •You start changing your normal routine or duties to spend more time with him/her.
    •You feel the need to keep conversations or activities involving him/her a secret from your spouse.
    •You fantasize about spending time with, getting to know or sharing a life with him/her.
    •You spend significant time alone with him/her.
    If you’ve only reached the point of temptation, but you haven’t acted on it yet, make changes in your life so that it doesn’t go any farther.

    Some ideas:

    •Avoid spending time alone with people of the opposite sex. If you struggle with fantasizing about a sexual relationship with a particular person, stay away from the temptation by staying away from that person.
    •Refuse to act on (or even reveal) feelings of attraction to someone other than your spouse. Don’t share details of your marriage relationship — particularly problems — with a member of the opposite sex.
    •Avoid outside influences and environments — such as business parties and private lunches, especially where drinking is involved — that could encourage infidelity.
    •Make your spouse your top priority. Talk about problems and concerns and work through them together. Get joint counseling to help if necessary. If your spouse is angry or won’t go to counseling, go by yourself. As he or she sees changes in you, your spouse might soften.
    •Change your attitude about your marriage. See it as a commitment that can’t be broken. Love flourishes in a relationship where there is complete trust, respect, and acceptance.

    Have fun with your spouse.
    Date each other again.
    How would you treat that person differently if you were trying to win his or her affections for the first time?



  8. I have a girlfriend and we have been together for 5 years. She left about a week ago to the Navy. Since then ive been anxious waiting for that first letter. Also ive been reading online on how 85% of women deployed cheated on their men. Ppl here have been telling me how my relationship with her will not last that shes going to cheat on me. Almost every person i asked has told me the same thing. I wish i had told her no when she asked if she can go to the navy. We were living together for 4 years. I recently moved back to my mothers house to save money and i wont be lonely in the meantime. I regret letting her go because now i feel like i wont have her back. Is there anything i can do to have her back? Is that 85 percentage average. Do all military girls cheat? Pls can someone help me here?

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  10. I need advise. I meet my husband back in middle school and we later got married after going out separate ways by this time he was already in the Army. He cheated on me after returning from Iraq. Since being home from Afghanistan I can tell something is up. Tonight he lays in bed and tells me he is gay. I can’t leave him we have a child together and truthfully I feel “comfortable” where I am. Any advise? I know what everyone is thinking: leave him, once a cheater always a cheater, some people never change, you deserve better. All of this is legitimate for you to say but this is not the person I married. He needs help, we need help. These deployments have really changed him. I have to do what I can I can’t just “walk away”.

  11. It is so easy to give advise to someone but everyones situation is different. I am just sorry that the kids have to suffer. Either way, the kids always suffer. My children suffered from me leaving my cheating spouse back in 1991. He was abusive to the kids, verbally, physically and was a drunk. He called me all kinds of names when he drank. He was controlling and made me feel like I could not buy a gallon of milk without his consent. It was horrible. I left him when the girls where 9months, 2 years and 4.5 years old. He never had much to do with them growing up and even told my 9 year old that he didn’t think she was his and thought that I should pay for a DNA test to proove that she was his. HORRIBLE MAN. I had to save the girls and get out. I never regretted that decision.
    I did what I had to do to protect my children.

    We struggled with child support and him leaving the state. THE SILVER LINE is that those girls grew up independent and I met a new MAN that married me and took the girls in as his own children. My youngest daughter at the age of 16 asked my husband now to adopt her. He is a great guy and a great military soldier. I do have the fear though that one day some young specialist or Captain in the Army is going to try and take him away from me. I guess if that does happen, then maybe he was not good enough for me to begin with.

    He said I should not worry about that, but I know and have seen how Evil woman work. First they are asking for small favors like, oh can you fix my flat tire, or can you give me a lift to the bus stop, or can you jump my battery off, or Wow, your wife must really be proud of you. LOL Evil Woman.. Don’t get me wrong though, Men can be just as evil. 🙂 I keep my eyes open and my guard up against married woman – who are not happily married with their shifty, flirty, batting eyes. Oh yeah, they try and flirt with my husband in front of me just to see what boundaries can be broken.

    It always seems that woman want what other woman have. I can tell you that I NEVER Looked at other man since I married this husband.
    I don’t need to. I do not ever want to even look at another man’s butt or wonder what it would be like to have sex with them. That is crossing the line, and once you cross the line you open yourself up for other things to occur. BOTTOM LINE, STAY AWAY FROM PORN, STAY AWAY FROM CHAT ROOMS, DON’T contact old boyfriends because that is pointless, WHY EVER go back to something that failed before…YEAH, WASTE of TIME. If you have already divorced. CUT YOUR LOSSES. LET THE children have the relationships with the other parents if they want to. Don’t use the children to get back at the spouse for leaving you or cheating on you. Kids learn how to be adults from their parents.
    BE A GOOD ADULT for your kids. STAY STRONG. To many people cross the little white lines thinking that they have control over the situation. WE are only HUMAN and I guarantee you if I start chatting with other men and hanging out with single friends and going to bars, There will be trouble AHEAD. TROUBLE WILL FIND YOU. SO FIND A good man, love him and treat him right and THEN PRAY that he remains true to you, But if he doesn’t. LET HIM GO.

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  13. My husband is in the Air National Guard, after his recent TDY I noticed something was different about him when he came home, after much begging he said “I love you, I’m just not in love with you” I asked over and over if there was someone else.. I got a NO WAY.. until I found phone records to prove otherwise. Now he says he wants a divorce to be with the tech sgt he works with. We have been together 15 years and have three children who are devastated by this. Neither one of them care, Our youngest is having such a bad time with this I had to hospitalize him. I love my husband more than anything and this behavior is completely out of the normal for him. He keeps telling me to let him go but I cant.

    • My husband cheated while deployed to Iraq. It has been 2 years now. We did get divorced, even though I didn’t want one. I know exactly how you feel. Our youngest daughter is still having severe depression issues because of what he did. It does get better over time, but it takes a lot of patience, support and therapy. We were together 18 yrs. Hold your head up high and take care of yourself and your children. It’s hard to do, I know. I pray you find peace and happiness.

    • Your husband is a selfish man. Obviously, he was not good enough for you and you chose to stay with him and make the most of it. YOU settled didn’t you? I’ve done it before. You talked yourself in to believing he was something more. I know, I have done that to. He could care less about his kids and never was totally committed to you in the first place. That sucks. He must be the baby in the family. Let him go right? I hope you did. He will get his later…Karma.. My brother cheated on his wife after 10 years. They had two children together. They are now ages 7 and 10 and are doing well because she married a nice man that actually spends time with the children and treats her well. You can take care of those 3 children on your own and they will grow up dispising their Dad but that is not your fault, it is his. If he was not totally committed he should have broken up with you before you guys had children. Again the children Suffer the consequences and the behavior will continue on throughout their lives unless you get some counceling for them now.
      Good luck and God Bless you, take care. I hope I was not to harsh.
      AND don’t listen to people that tell you that his cheating was your fault. OK. That was totally on him. His lack of communication with you resulted in his cheating. He wanted a way out and chose this bad behavior to do it. COWARD, he is.

  14. Hi just call me jane from Philippines.My fiance,Wesley is currently deployed in’s been a month since he didn’t talk to me…the last word was he is on going to a mission but it’s already a month…is he is hiding from me?….the last chat was we were having a fight.he just visited me here in the Philippines last August 2010 during his b-day & my daughter’s bday’s there 2nd bday together, he spend his every vacationw iht me & our daughter.he’s been visiting me since 2009.we were been together since 2008…i love him so much, i am scared to lose him.i meet him when he was in korea, 24/7 we spend our time together after work or even during work with our cam on, til he went back to the states all was still normal…until all change when he got an order to be deployed in afghan last MAY 2010 😦 it scares me,i dont know what to do…we only see each other like twice a month or none at all.i hate his deployment, i love him so bad and i want him in my life only…can anybody find him?please help me finding him,his where about coz i dont know where to write him coz he always move to new signal on his phone too

  15. @ Nevergiveup, i agree with what u said. i would do what i can to fight for my marriage, we took vows for better or worse.

  16. The only difference between divorced and married couples is that married couples choose to keep fighting for their lives and the good of the children. Selfish people give up. The grass is not greener on the other side, just deeper and full of more crap. If my husband were to ever cheat I would fight to keep him. This comes after being married a few times before and knowing what to expect out of a relationship. We just get spoiled sometimes in wanting everything our way. Well believe you me, you will give sometimes more than you receive, that is freaking life. If you don’t want to take me at my word then just keep on running away from one relationship to another. What a waste of time and effort. Find someone to love and who loves you and stick with it. Fight to the end. If the other person leaves then well, pick yourself up and dust your self off and try again, but give it all you got while you are married. No regrets.

  17. i read all these posts and i’m appauled at the things that going on from men and woman. my husband is in the national guard and yet this has not happened to me I am terrified that it will. even if he tells me he’s talking to someone i think i would be scared. who do i contact and it seems like these soldiers (both male and female) really have no punishment from the military, isn’t it supposed to prohibited if one is married?? it makes the military look bad. i’m proud of my husband grant you yes we have our problems but being his wife and the fact that we have managed to keep the marriage going as long as it as with all our problems makes me more determined not to give up in any case.

  18. ISA you are giving that married soldier what he wants, it is simple, naked pictures,,,,, you think he cares because he tells you the truth? Grow up, that is part of a cheaters ploy. Lol you poor dear. He tells you the truth, old line of crap. I bet when his wife does find out that u are talking and sending him pics, and she will find out, that you will say if she would only take care of his needs he would be happy and would not talk to you. You are the reason for his infidelity, don’t you feel bad at all for trying to work your way from the back side to take the love that the two of once had and cheapen it. God knows what you are doing and pay back will come, get out of that mess now and take a chill pill for about 6 months until you find a real man that can fullfill your needs and not string you along like that. I did this from my I phone and did not spellcheck lol

  19. I have a different situation. My girlfriend left for the millitary (as i didnt follow her, im attendint college) but anyway i just want to know how likely is it that she will cheat on me during her AIT training or her first tour.

  20. My wife who is deployed in iraq has been fucking around on me. This is in fact is awesome for me, why you ask. Well as far as I know she cheated with one other soldier but probably a lot. I may not know how many dicks she has been taking but I know how many cunts I have been dicking. I never cheated on her till she cheated on me but now I’m up to 18 different girls many times each not to bad for 2 months
    work and I still have six months before she gets home. Believe me that I plan on fucking as many as I can before she gets home and I am not culling anything really.

  21. Im sorry to say but if shes military shes banging others. i speek from first hand knowlege from being in the army and haveing a army wife. so here for you is a true sad story with just the facts. she was in the army first and i always heard storys from her about all the girls cheating and sleeping with anyone and everyone, but not her she would not do that. ya right! i found out in time she was cheating just as much or more than all the other girls. while on deployment to iraq i found out about one guy for 100% shure and had proof but was told by guys in her unit i was friends with about 25 more guys. so i joined the military to find out if it was just becase of war or what exactly happened and i was mad as hell at her. i soon found out wemen in the military are really no more than someone for the male soldiers to sleep with when away from home,and they love all the no strings sex. i am not saying all female military members are this way but 95% at least and wow are they wild, so in closeing dont mary a military girl but if you want to get layed no strings deffinestly join up. If you want to get layed join the military if you want to get screwed marry a soldier, and old devil dog once told me that. i think its very true.

  22. Point blank i think marriage is overrated and most army spouse (females) all they wanna do is sit at home watch tv and cant even cook. Thus getting as big as shamu as a matter of fact most army wives are overweight and use baby as an excuse simply disgusting. Why wouldnt he cheat on you again? right love is blind lol.. whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night i guess. A soldier should never get married in my opinion. 1 you are never in the same place long enough to get to know a bitch!! 2 She will only get lazy once you marry her because 90% of them do that No i take that back 99%. Women are only good for one thing and when you get through fucking show them the door ……..

    • Most army wives stay home because their husband wants them there. I myself worked for 30 years doing full time sales. I quit my last job after my husband came back from his 2nd deployment to be able to spend time with him befor he got deployed again. I am working on getting a real estate license while he is on TFT because I know if I do not get it done befor he gets back that he will be to demanding on my time and I will have to put it on the back burner. I want to support him in his job but because he is always gone he is not able to support me with my career, so I feel a lot of woman need to take care of themselves and let the soldier do his job because in the end what security do any of us have. I’ m just saying that some woman put their lives on hold to back their soldier but that there is no support in return. I love my husband but now I need to take care of me. Everyone needs a backup plan.

    • hi,im jane and im an army officer…year 2002 i have been loyal to my ex-husband since i meet him.he is my 2nd bf to tell you & was only 24years old that time but when he impregnated me he leaves me & blame me bec im not virgin anymore without separated now for 6years,my child is 6yrs old already…i meet a US Army soldier,we’ve been together since 2008 and i always wait for him til he come home to me & visit me every 6months til now,until now he is deployed in,please dont generalize all women…im even scared to my fiance though he is loyal to me but scared bec he is a white man,hope he will nto be tempted there with wild girls as you said 😦

  23. I use to wonder how a military wife could stay with a cheating spouse and then i realized, why not? Why should the wives leave just to have to go through the pain of divorce, relocation, upsetting the children. Heck, stay and tough it out for a while. What do you have to lose? A lot more if you divorce I guarantee it. I mean, do you really want to waste the next few years only to go through the same crap with someone else? STay put until the marriage disolves on it’s own. I hope my husband never cheats but if he does, I will stay. I am getting way to old for BS. LOL

  24. Ya know the Lord forgives us when we ask for forgiveness. Maybe we all need to do a little more forgiving. I am just tired of the Divorce rate and the children that have to suffer. If there is no physical abuse and the children are taken care of, maybe we should stick it out for a while and pray for your partner to do the right thing and for God to help them and protect them and to help us not to be so judgemental when they slip. The children always pay.

  25. I once heard someone say the 10 things you love about your partner when you get married are the 10 things you will hate about them later. Try and look at their strengths and forget their weeknesses. No one is perfect. Thank the lord opposites usually attract otherwise none of us would learn anything from the other partner.

  26. My husband has gotten nothing but the best treatment from me. I’ve been active in uplifting him and encouraging him to be a better person. I’m pretty positive he cheated on me. I just don’t have concrete proof. Thank god we have no children. So here’s my plan. He’s deployed right now. I’m going to act as if everything is just fine. He wants to have a child when he gets back. His odds of that happening are so slim. No child will be made.
    Instead I will watch and wait to see what moves he makes. The good thing about him though is that he takes care of all his responsibilities with me. He pays more than half of the bills, he gives me money when I need. Though I am very independent so that is great for him. He is not abusive and he tries to be a better person. I just think he’s weak minded like most men when it comes to females. Either way if I get concrete proof I will not let him know what I know. Instead I will pick up and travel wherever I want outside the country for 3 weeks. Oh…I’ve already removed him as my beneficiary. Without his knowledge every penny I earn will be set to go to a charity of my choice in the event of my death. When I get back I will smoothe things over with him and then proceed to do whatever it is that makes me happy. I will not consider him in any of my decisions. But he will have the elusion to believe that I’m considering him. Why not just divorce him you may ask? Well to answer that you must go back to the part where I said that he takes care of his responsibilities. On top of that when we got married we both claimed that it was for life and that divorce was not an option unless certain things occurred. Cheating was one. But he isn’t getting away that easy especially since I’m in my thirties and really planned on settleing down and doing big things with my future family. Maybe one day he will change. Either way I will live my life to satisfy me. If he changes for the worse then I may divorce him. He should think about all this before screwing around with a good woman.

  27. I can only hope and pray my husband never cheats on me. He is more then just a companion and lover, he is my closest friend.

  28. Can’t say much except that just had the reply from Cara and what she says is pretty much bang on. To say that most do it is maybe too much but lots do and when you are sat on Messenger and see the guys around you with 5 or 6 windows open, you know what they’re up to right away!
    Check whether your spouse is able to get to a terminal. If they can, there are limits on times so maybe that’s it. If they can give you a reason then maybe that washes for a couple of times but not forever.
    Don’t immediately trust your husband when they are away but there again, don’t expect them to trust you. My wife cheated and now we’ve split up and I feel better for being rid of her. She lied, manipulated other people and made things up to get what she anted. She is also one of the cheap online players who decided that cheating with someone elses husband was ok so beware of you know any German woman called Anja, she may have designs on your hubby too!

    • oh I know, this Anja sended Sex-Messages to my husband via facebook, trying to wreck our marriage since 1999 and now she is getting herself a way into my husbands family. My name is Anja too and I’m ashamed of it

  29. My wife has recently cheated with a number of American soldiers who all wanted nothing more than cheap thrills while they were away. Saying that it is a pressure situation because there is danger is rubbish. Those who cheat enjoy it and do it all the time while they are out there whether they’re Americans or Brits. The net has just made it easier now is all.
    Men who cheat are cheaters, pure and simple. I’m a Brit soldier too and when you are there, you ignore the noise or you fall to it and go nuts. You cope and you know you have family back at home waiting.
    Sorry but this stuff about having to go through a lot doesn’t wash. Soldiers have a bad reputation because of men like that and as long as soldiers are men, men will cheat!

  30. […] His wife could no more have cheated on him than he could have cheated on his wife. You see, most of us left behind don’t have time to cheat because we are too busy praying for your safe return, raising our kids, taking care of the house and bills, getting together letters and packages for you, and trying let you know we support you and we’re OK, you don’t need to worry about us, we’re safe at home so we don’t have any problems at least not like what you are going through. We will never admit to you all that goes through our heads because we don’t want you to think we are weak. We don’t want you to worry or be distracted because it could make you careless and get you killed. [link] […]

  31. […] His wife could no more have cheated on him than he could have cheated on his wife. You see, most of us left behind don’t have time to cheat because we are too busy praying for your safe return, raising our kids, taking care of the house and bills, getting together letters and packages for you, and trying let you know we support you and we’re OK, you don’t need to worry about us, we’re safe at home so we don’t have any problems at least not like what you are going through. We will never admit to you all that goes through our heads because we don’t want you to think we are weak. We don’t want you to worry or be distracted because it could make you careless and get you killed. [link] […]

  32. Here’s my sad story–WARNING, THIS IS VERY LONG, but I think it’ll feel good to finally get it off my chest… I’ve NEVER told anyone)!
    My husband cheated on me about 17 years ago, (3 years after our marriage), with a woman who was herself married. She started talking to him at the PX about his wife and how she might be upset regarding his looking through a Sports Illustrated magazine. A few minutes later she invited him over to her apartment that evening, of course he agreed, not expecting, but definitely hoping that “something” might happen… not that night, but that he would definitely be setting the foundation for something down the road. Well, it just so happened that not more than five minutes after he had come through the door and sat on her couch, she unzipped his pants and got on her knees (I need not say more, right)? Well just a few minutes after that they were in bed and in every position imaginable (again, need I say more)? My husband who had promised during lunch to be by my job to pick me up at 5:00 p.m. promptly and without fail, on the other hand, had stood me up. Yes, I know, you would think that it’d be hard to forget a promise that had only been made a few minutes or hours after making it, but yes… he forgot. Or perhaps the mere fact that after only a few minutes or hours after telling me he loved me, that he’d miss me and that he’d pick me up promptly at 5:00, had met this woman (and mind you I do use that term lightly), and that was enough to ‘FORGET.’ So, the tragedy continues as follows: That night I ended up walking home, I was locked out of our apartment and there was a hurricane threatening to hit Savannah. There was heavy wind and rain and I had no shelter. Our car was parked out in front of our apartment and true as to how most of these tragedies unfold, none of the neighbors were home so I had no one to turn to. I went to a pay phone and continuously called his office. Where could he possibly be? I cried tears I didn’t think I could possibly cry, fearing that something had happened to him. Had he left with someone and gotten into an accident? Was he in the hospital? Was he in a ditch somewhere, unable to be found, dying a slow painful death? Was he on lockdown at the Ranger Bn? Would I see him again? I tried to take cover in the tiny porch of our apartment, afraid of the howling wind and impending hurricane. I was scared, I was cold, I was hungry, and worst of all I was in pain… not knowing what could’ve possibly happened to him. I prayed for him, I asked God to watch over him, to save him if he was in danger, lay his hands over him and protect him with his love. After literally puking because I was so worried about him and what might have happened to him and the very real physical pain that I was experiencing, I heard the phone ring… and ring… and ring and all I could think was that it was the hospital and he needed me and I couldn’t get to the phone… I couldn’t get to him! Our apartment was on the 2nd floor, but still I decided to climb on top of the balcony and reach over to try and climb in through that window, because all I could think is that he needed me and I needed to do everything I could to try and get to him… I needed to be there for him! After nearly falling twice, I was finally successful! Imagine my surprise when I saw his BDU’s strewn on the floor, (he’s got OCD, so this is highly unlike him) immediately I knew something was wrong. The phone rang and I ran to it… IT WAS HE! As soon as he said my name I knew! I knew it hadn’t been an accident. I knew he was with another woman. My heart broke… no, it SHATTERED! Into a million pieces and then those million pieces shattered into two million more. The pain that I felt made me fall to the ground and I cried and I cried some more and it hurt! It all hurt so badly! I couldn’t, even to this day, describe where I felt that pain. The pain seemed to hit me in a place I had never felt before. It seemed to feel like it was coming from the core of the innermost part of me, but then it felt as if it were in my stomach, my throat… to this day I’m not exactly where the pain came from. When he got home she had prepared him with a story, “my friend just got back from Ranger school and we were having a party.” I threw him out then I followed him. I lost him before he went into her apartment and never found him. Now I thank the good lord because I know exactly how it would’ve gone down. The rage and the pain that I felt was not something I would’ve been able to control. So, again I say, the good Lord was watching over me. When he came home he only confirmed what I already knew by lying. He said he’d walked to the base because he had nowhere to go. Anyway, fast forward to about a week to week and a half later and the phone rings while we’re getting ready to go to a party. It’s a guy, his name is Reinhardt and he wants to talk to my husband. I let him know he’s in the shower, and I let him know I can give him the message when he gets out. Something felt wrong, but I still gave my husband the message as soon as he got out of the shower. He kept trying to put off the phone call and asking me to get in the shower. I told him I had a headache; I needed a small nap and that as soon as he was done with his phone call, that I’d go into the bedroom and lay down, and that as soon as he was done with his phone call I would get into the shower. He went into the kitchen and used the phone. I picked up the other line. Reinhardt answered and to my surprise gave the phone over to his wife (Janna), she cheerily told my husband how she could convince her husband to do anything and had just told him what a witch I was and that she was just trying to help him with our marital problems. She laughed and then asked if he could come over, that Will was getting ready to leave to a party and she had some time before having to go to work, even now I need all of my energy to not scream at the top of my lungs! He said he couldn’t, she begged and he kept saying no. She finally asked when then and he said he’d get back with her. You can only imagine the scenario after that! After I yelled and screamed and confessed everything, to include a little shower scenario when he couldn’t seem to finish the job and she had to get to work. I went to their apartment and entered. A gentleman came out of the shower in just a towel and I said to him, “You must be Reinhardt… he says No, Reinhardt is at a party.” He called Will over, and as soon as Will walked in the door I introduced myself. I said, “Hi, your wife’s name is Jonna?” He said, “yes,” and so I told him, “Jonna and my husband have been screwing each other.” I took him to her job, picked up my husband and the four of us had a face to face. Unfortunately by that time Jonna had wrapped Will around her little finger and gotten into his head. Jonna had had time to call my husband and told him to deny the confession to Will and admit NOTHING! Whish of course my husband did. Poor Will tells me that he believes his wife and I’m thinking, PLEASE, I HEARD THEM ON THE PHONE! I HEARD EVERY WORD! Anyway, after Will says he believes Jonna, Jonna calls my husband over to the side… alone, and tells him, “look I can control Will. All of this doesn’t mean we can’t still see each other.” Fast forward to about a week later; she calls him and tells him good news, SHE’S PREGNANT! My husband gets told by her that she can have visitations and see the baby any time he wants. When my husband asks about Will and how he would view that plan, she again claims how, “Will believes whatever I tell him.” I go over and talk to her. She shows me the pregnancy results and tells me that the right thing for me to do is make way for the both of them to proceed with this baby and try and make a family, and that my husband wants to leave me and raise this baby with her. So, I tell her the truth… that I have on more than one occasion tried to leave and he’s gotten on his knees and begged me not to leave him. That he’s gone as far as blocked the door to keep me from leaving, has made arrangements for marriage counseling and tells the counselor, crying that he can’t live without me, that she meant nothing and that she was just easy, and mentioned the events as they occurred… that 5 minutes into the door she was on her knees, etc. That he doesn’t want anything to do with her… not the type of woman he could ever see as a serious partner. He doesn’t want to be Will, with her sleeping with various guys on his bed, in between his sheets, in his shower, etc. So, anyway after hearing this, she’s got a plan. She can call him over and “entertain him” while I get into my rental and leave! Who, I say, first off there will be no rental, except for a UHaul, second my car… the one he drives around in, is mine, so it will be getting hooked up to the UHaul and it will be following me home. She goes on to become incensed saying that they’ll need a reliable car now that they have the baby coming and even more so when it arrives. I laugh, how could I not? Tell her that the situation she had gotten herself into was not my doing, nor my problem and that if she wanted a reliable car she needed to work her ass a little harder and get herself one. I told her EVERYTHING WAS MINE… EVERYTHING! That the only thing he was keeping was the stereo because that was the only thing that was his. She happily told me that that was okay because when she left Will the only thing he would keep was the stereo, so she had everything covered! Yikes! Well, when the time came for the said plan he never went over there and instead came home to beg me to stay. We argued and fought until six in the a.m.
    She was about 4 months pregnant when I went there again because of her constant calling and harassing, (mind you she told her husband that my husband and I kept harassing her)! When I went to her apartment, she showed me the sonogram and told me how Will already knew the baby didn’t belong to him, but he loved her so much that he didn’t care the baby wasn’t his and that he had forgiven her for everything and that even though my husband didn’t want anything with either one of them her husband would step in and be the daddy. Did I forget to say that the first time I went there (with the whole plan thing), she had a guy there, with his pants unzipped, she was in a tank top, no bra, and they were “wrestling.” Hmmm. The second time she had ANOTHER guy there and came out in a towel from her bedroom and into her shower. Hmmm, maybe a revolving door would have been more convenient. Anyway, I told her I wanted a DNA test if she really thought it was my husband’s because it was only right that he be a man and take responsibility. She stated that her husband wanted to be the dad and that her husband didn’t want a DNA test.
    This woman has never stopped bothering me in one way or another! Ugh!
    All I can say is that after all of these years I think she still has her husband in the dark. I don’t think her husband ever knew or has ever found out how many men she actually messed around with. The worst part is that it was all in the apartment that they shared. In the same sheets that he slept in, in the shower that he showered in, on the couch that he sat on, even on the table that he ate at. Wow! She now has four kids. The oldest that could be my husband’s, the 2nd one that could very well MIGHT be Will’s. A third that is very dark and whom she says belongs to a Dominican man she got involved with and a 4th whom she fathered with a very young guy… about 14 years her junior, but apparently from what she confessed to a friend, she’s told Will that the 3rd child belongs to him, she’s just dark because she got her skin color (this little girl looks black and she’s not black and Will is whilte… so you come to your own conclusion) The 4th because she can “make Will believe anything,” convinced him that it was his to the point that he signed the birth certificate, but is actually a “Bimson.” So, these are the high quality men and women that are out there. So sad!
    We actually started an informal wives support group once the other wives started to find out about their husbands and this woman. She told one other man that this same pregnancy was his fault… he promptly fled the continental U.S. (lol)! The other two husbands that confessed swore that she meant nothing and they soon left as well.
    So, that is my story. Long I know, and yet there is more to tell, but I won’t bore you with all of that ☺
    —–BTW, even after all of this and all of his deployments I have NEVER, EVER cheated on him!

    • OMG, i love you for being strong.i adore you & wish i can be like you…all the story i read,i really read your story word for word & cant think what to do if it happens to me…i feel the same way too that vomiting & scared feeling of losing him coz i love my fiance so much.he is in afghan now.i know he dont cheat on me but my problems are those girls around him are giving & showing the motives they want to have sex wiht him & he hates those women.thats why he tell to to talk to this women sending him msgs…i trust him but im also hurt coz im scared of whats this women are capable of like that woman your husband meet.God,she is crazy i can say.she is lucky her husband love him so much.i pity for her husband & your husband is lucky to have you… i always told my fiance once he commit that mistake i dont know if i can accept him coz i know he dont want me to cheat on him loyalty & honesty should always be there plus communication.i trust my fiance but i dont trust the women around him

  33. I started dating a Marine in October 2007. It was a struggle because he was a recruiter, with long hours, and working most Saturdays. I stood by his side for a year, putting up with all the “I can’t make it,” “something came up,” “I’m sorry….” He was always very “private,” as he called it. He never wanted mt to go to his house. Turned out that he had a “female” roommate, and he always had an excuse that “it’s not my house.” Yeah, right. He also never spent the night with me. He said, “I like to sleep in my own bed, and I have to get up early, and blahblahblah………..” Well, in December 2008, a good friend of mine started doing some investigating. It turned out that he had moved from where he told me he lived, into another house, but now he was living with 2 other Marines, that he didn’t have a female roommate anymore. He had lived there for 6 months by the time I found out. And just 2 weeks before he had been telling me that his “female” roommate had a boyfriend now, and blahblahblah. All the while I thought that he was still living there, and I would ask him questions about his “roommate,” and he would answer me just like he still lived there. When I found out he had lied to me, I was so angry that I ended it. I felt like a fool!!! I told him he was nothing but a friggin liar, and he didn’t deserve to wear the USMC uniform, “honor, courage, committment” my ass!!! So, less than 24 hours went by and he came to my apartment and begged to talk to me. I talked to him, and he had some “other thihgs” to get off his chest. It turns out that the SOB was married!!!! He said it was a “marriage of convenience,” as to many military personnel do. I was like WTF??? For 14 months I’d been dating a married man!!!! I was livid!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to kill him!!!!!!!!! He recalled that the first night that we met, that the first question I asked him was, “are you married?” And his answer was “no.” I should’ve known better…………… So, 14 months later, I realized I’d been having an affair with a married man, and I was “the other woman.” I was sick!!!!!!!!!!! He sat there and cried what I’m sure were fake tears, with his hands stuffed in his cammies. He begged me to forgive him, and asked me to believe him when he said that he hadn’t seen her for a very long time. The story turned into one of “she cheated on me with another Marine when i was in Iraq, and when I came home she had cleaned me out.” And that instead of getting a divorce, he decided to keep the military benefits that being married provided, since he felt like he deserved them. I was flabbergasted. I could not believe that the man I had given my heart to could do something like that!!! Long story short, he convinced me to forgive him and believe him that I was the only woman in his life. Well, STUPID ME!!! So, we’ve gone another year, with very apparent issues that go along with being involved with a “married man” who say’s he’s only married on paper…………I do have morals, and I’ve compromised them out of foolishness. I can’t believe I’ve done that to myself. Recently, I had some time off in between jobs. One day I decided to drive by his house, the one where I’ve never been because he lives with 2 other Marines and it is not a place for me to be, so he says. Well, I was driving by at about 11 a.m. one Wednesday morning, and low and behold, pulled up in his driveway was his little blue car (he has 3 vehicles), is an “oriental” female getting out of the car that I had been in so many times, and she’s carrying an infant!!!! She walks to the front door (of the house I’ve never been too) and she opens the door with a key!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!! I slammed on the brakes of my truck and I just sat there. Stunned!!!! I got out of my truck and went to the front door and I pounded and pounded on it. She, of course, would not answer. So I called him and told him what I had just seen, and I was screaming at the top of my lungs at him, “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!!!!!!!!!! YOU’VE MADE A FOOL OF ME FOR 2 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’VE INTRODUCED TO MY PARENTS, MY SON, MY FRIENDS, THE PEOPLE I WORK WITH AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DO TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I thought I was going to die. He told me that it was NOT what it LOOKED like. I told him there was only one way it could “look like.” He admitted that she was his wife, but it was not his baby, that he had not seen her in years, and she found him and was in trouble and had no place to go or stay and that since they are still married he had no choice but to let her stay there. And then all of a sudden she has breast and uterine cancer and she’s dying. Yeah, how convenient. I can’t believe how much of a fool he’s made of me, and how I allowed him to do it for so long because of the fog I live in for men in uniform. I thought he was my night in shining armor, but he is no such thing. He has broken my heart more than I deserve. I gave that man my heart, body, and soul, and this is how he repaid me. All I can say is that I will NEVER get involved with a military man again. I had myself fooled that a man who was willing to give his life for my country and keep me safe would be honorable. I was wrong. And believe me, he is NOT the first military man I’ve dated – Army, Navy, Air Force, and now Marines. They all lied and cheated. I’ve given up on finding an honest man, military or not.

    • Good gosh, SATX! I’m so sorry for you! But please know that you aren’t the only one who has been duped by a military guy. I’m a two-time veteran of that conflict.

      This guy deserves to be reported to his chain of command. Lies going on that long and that deep suggests that he is a guy who isn’t emotionally stable or deserving of the honor to wear a uniform.

      Just be glad that your aren’t his wife. I’ll bet she’s been through this before.

    • Oh, yeah… this Jonna person (woman is too good of a label for her), also told my husband she was single and that she had a roommate. HA! It was her husband! She also told him to not wear a condom because she had cervical cancer and had her uterus removed, so she couldn’t have children, so like a dum@**, he believed her, like there’s no STD’s out in the world. Geez. It comes to this devastated… there are crappy people in the world… men and women and the best that you can do is take your time and look for those “signs.” The first should have been that you had never been to his place! My mom always gave me great advice; she told me that a man that wouldn’t allow you to go to where he lives or call him at home has something to hide… believe it! Second, never, ever get involved sexually with a man until you’ve been with him for a minimum of 6 months… even an employer won’t give you benefits until after that probationary period, so why should you give it up so easily, and that if he walks away because you won’t give it up then he never had good and decent intentions towards you. Think about it, a guy that just wants to play with you, or hit it and quit it, doesn’t want to wait 6 months. Third, men have sex with their bodies, whereas women have sex with their heart, so don’t get your heart involved until you know he’s worth it… if he’s willing to wait 6 months, then more than likely he’s worth it 😉 All of this does a few things… it doesn’t cloud your judgement and muddy up your good sense… the heart is a messy nasty thing, and once it’s involved you want to believe the best in other people, as you can see by all of these posts… we all believed! Another thing is that if he is lying, or whatever then you can at least walk away with your dignity intact, if nothing else, because you didn’t just get used as a masturbatory tool.
      Finally, whatever you do, if you find a man is married… GET THE HELL OUT! If he does it WITH you, he’ll do it TO you! A man has the capability of selling his mother out if it means it’ll get him laid 😦
      🙂 🙂 And that’s what my momma told me 🙂 🙂
      Not saying that it’ll prevent you getting cheated on, because people do fall in/out of love every day, but it will help you weed out most of the bad ones from the word go… like this horrible excuse for a man!

  34. Well I’m going to keep this short because I’m sick of crying. My husband sent me a message on facebook last week to tell me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore even though he also said i was the best thing that ever happened to him. I just found out my husband has been cheating on me with another soldier in his unit. I found out because I know all of his passwords to facebook, myspace, and email. We told each other everything. I printed 26 pages of their conversations. And yesterday he asked me not to report it to his chain of command because He could be discharged or demoted for lack of a better word, have almost certain several years jail time. What makes me want to do it is because him and his girlfriend have the same consequences. I think every woman scorned should have this power. I still don’t know what i’m going to do.

    • hey girl,you have to fuckin file both of them a complain & report it…shit of them for hurting you, specially that what,your husband already show to you that he can dump you,leave you & hurt you over another woman so show him what you can do.damn, to him & that girl.shame on him.but before you are going to do that,do you have a back up plan?where you can stand up high without him,where you can enrich your life without him & support your kids if you have?make yourself with you, im separated too, he drag me out of his house,i thought i cant make it but wiht my parents & family support too i stand & bring my child wiht me.other source of income?i join MARY KAY, AVON, any other direct selling that can help me, im proud of myself,i have house of my own & proud single mom

    • I would definitely report him! I dont have the luxary of knowing my husbands passwords… he changd them on me… well the ones i did know. He was private about thoses things and i worry every day that he is depolyed cause there are girls in his unit that are like that and sont care that he is married and has a baby on the way. But for those women who say that they would just take it and stay with their husbands…. you dont have respect for urself because u can and should do better for yourself.

    FUN TIMES, AND NEVER A DULL MOMENT IN THE ARMY. It’s heaven and hell being married to a soldier, i know. I would not take anything for it. LOL

  36. My husband is a KBR employee. I’m becoming more and more suspicious of his behavior. He only emails me while he’s at work, from the company computer. But after he gets off work, I dont hear so much as a peep from him. No emails, phone calls or anything until like 30 mins before he goes to work. He makes excuses for why he doesnt call, but my intuition tells me he’s lying. He is a good provider and we are actively planning for a great life together. But when these inconsistencies arise constantly, the nagging pain in my belly tells me something just isnt right. With him so far away, only God knows what he’s doing.I guess we who love those abroad are all in the same boat…what do you do?

    • How long have you been married to him? Have you ever tried to do a little investigative work? Did you ever find anything? if not, don’t worry. MOST MEN do not want to cheat on their wives. He must be a smart guy to do what he does over there.
      OH, I am sure men think of it but when it comes down to it, they would not go through it. They have to much at risk. Just be the best wife you can be to him. Make him want to talk to you. Say nice things to him when he does call. KILL HIM WITH KINDNESS. Try that for a while. He is just concentrating on his job and staying safe for his family I am sure. When My husband puts on his Army Uniform it is like a transformation.
      It is time to work. Men are who they are by what they do, remember that. I used to get upset and still do every now and then with my husband because he has to travel with him job now every other month and go to nice places and eat out with the guys while I am stuck at home managing bills, taking vehicles in for service and walking the dog. It is his JOB though.
      We woman just want more hugs and appreciation. i know.
      Men think everything is great at home if the cable is on, food is on the table and a roof over our heads. LOL Just like my Dad used to think. Men are simple minded. Woman are more complexed and want more. We are a little more needy. I guarantee if we stopped giving our men attention they would wonder what was up. They say they want us to be quiet but when that happens they wonder what is up? LOL Hang in there.

  37. My husband is no good!! We have been married for 4yrs. I moved to a different state and has had his back from the very beginning! I found out that he has cheated on me several times while in Iraq and while he was home! He even took our 3yr old daughter around some of his female friends while I was at work. I truly hate his guts! I changed my entire life for him! What I don’t understand is why the females he ‘s talking to are haraasing me! I want to get his butt kicked out of the army!! His excuse for cheating is that I’m always fussing at him! The only reason why we argue is because of women saying “I’m gonna get my man back.” This started after his 2nd deployment! I can really say that Iraq has really messed him up and he has not been the same! This is also his 3rd tour, we’v been married 4yrs! I will never marry another man in the military!!!

    • If he cheated on you while deployed, he cheated on you all along. That sucks but it is the person that cheats, not the uniform. He was not deserving of your love in the first place.
      Not all men cheat. Some do. He was a fake to begin with.
      TAKE TIME OFF FOR YOUR SELF FOR A WHILE. My childrens father cheated on me and bragged about it when I was married to him back in 87-92. He cheated on me while we were dating also.
      I thought that would change when we married. LOL
      It never does. You had clues, you just dismissed them. It’s ok, we all have made our mistakes. Keep your head up. True Love will find you one day. I was 40 before I found my true love. IT IS NEVER TO LATE. Go do something for yourself and just let him go, quietly. It is not worth even fighting over.
      Give yourself a break. Take Care. MAYBE he is getting back at his MOTHER. Obviously he is not a mama’s boy. Am I right?

  38. Dolce, it’s sounds terribly suspicious that he would not have access to email, work or personal. If military personnel can use military and personal email and have telephone access (including personal cell phones), why would KBR prevent their own employees from having the same type of communication?

    There are women over there–military and civilians. No matter what type of job he’s in, I doubt that he isn’t around women at some point during the day.

  39. BTW, does anyone know if the KBR really have freedom to use net or phones, and would he really be around “just guys” as he says? I’m really worried when he called me less and less and the other day he called from other camp, we were speaking on net there and he said “its boring here- i REALLY wanna go back to our camp”. And I was like “HELLOO- at least here we can be on msn” and he can see and hear me, not like in taji, if anyone can help with my question, i’d appreciate it!

  40. My boyfriend’s not in military but is working for KBR in Iraq. I’m getting the same thing, less phone calls, and he says KBR aren’t allowed to have email access, don’t know if it’s true, but he mentions that he’s allowed to go to places where other soldiers are, and I asked him if this is true, does he meet women there? he swears up and down that he he doesn’t know or speak to any women there and that he stays in barracks with only men. I don’t know if I should believe him but I’m hanging in there. I think we shouldn’t rush to conclusions but if there’s concern, confront him/her and only YOU yourself know what’s best for YOU!


  41. Almosthome:

    I’m sorry that you’ve been dealt this blow, but don’t give up on her just yet. She did admit her mistake, needs you and wants to remain married.

    Keep the communication open. Stay focused on reuniting with each other and working to rebuild your relationship (which you can still do while apart).

    Reading your words, what you said about yourself and your wife, I really think you two can get through this. I haven’t felt that for most others after reading their posts.

    Take it a day at a time. You’ll get through this.

    Thank you for your service. God bless you.

  42. I am currently deployed and am about to be home in two months. My wife and I had some problems in our marriage and i cheated on her. We seperated for almost a year but after hard work and alot of late nights we decided when i was with her on R&R to do everything we can to make our marriage stronger and to work on our problems. That was 3 months ago. two days ago my wife told me she cheated on me. and it was not just a one night stand. she slept with her friend twice. She says that our seperation changed her but she really wants to stay married and she needs me in her life. I dont know what to do. I went through hell to try and get her back and it hurts so much that she could cheat so easily and then blame me for it all.

    • THE ONLY reason she cheated was to get back on you.
      she doesn’t realize that when a woman cheats on her man that it is harder for the man to deal with. She must be around 25.
      Did she cheat or did she just tell you she cheated?
      When I was married to my childrens father back in 86-92 i cheated to get back at him for cheating. (I never told him until a few years ago after we had already been divorced for years.) It was just to make my self feel better at the time.
      It did not work. i felt worse for involving someone else.

  43. I’m just in shock after reading these devastatingly sad stories from women about their cheating deployed husbands/boyfriends. Honestly, my hearts breaks for every single one of you. None of you deserved to be cheated on and treated like that. *Hugs you all!*

    I never knew that so many soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan cheated; I thought they went there to fight and defend their country not to go over there to cheat to have a free place to cheat on their partners at home. How selfish can they be? I cried reading some of these stories…honestly I’m just in shock. I never knew this went on and how common it is. Is everyone cheating when they get deployed to the Middle East? And why are the female soldiers having sex with the male soldiers as well? Do they have any morals or any dignity at all? It’s not ALL their fault though because they probably have boyfriends back home that they’re cheating on as well. It’s both parties fault. But is it really this common. Do 90% of soldiers cheat on their partners?

    This just makes me nervous and sad. I have a boyfriend who is deployed in Iraq and he has been there since March 2008 serving a 14 month tour. I talk to him everyday and we e-mail each other often. I have been suspicious about him cheating but I just ignored my conscience even though the pain is killing me on the inside.

    Why I have suspicion is because is when I call him their would be a lot of noise in the background that sounds like weird and I would hear a woman’s voice really close by and I would hear my boyfriend mutter/laugh something presumably to her and he would continue talking to me. When I questioned him who that was he would just say it was just ‘some chick’ and he’ll laugh it off.

    But after reading all these heartbreaking stories my suspicion has grew tremendously especially since that many of the soldiers sleep together and that male and female soldiers can share tents and it can go unnoticed by the generals/commanders. I thought there were rules that had to be followed and that sexual conduct was looked down upon in the military. But apparently I was way wrong seeing as it seems to go on constantly. And I can’t believe that the commanders hand out condoms and actually encourages soldiers to have ‘fun’.

    My heart is racing and I am so confused but coming to this site and reading other women’s stories has only reconfirmed that my boyfriend is indeed cheating. There are too many signs pointing to his infidelity …

    I’m glad I found this wonderful site …

    • there is a different side to every coin though
      there were woman at ft. wainwright that moved boyfriends in with them while their guys were away and moved the boyfriend out right before the soldier returned
      a lot of these marriages are arranged just to get the benefits of better housing so you really have to know the whole story to put the puzzle together.
      i knew of one couple that married for convenience sake and they are happily in love and married now, who would have thought?

  44. Support Our Troops and Expose the Two faced whores as traitors.. all on facebook !

  45. Hey, Im a military wife and im also pregnant with a baby. I am 100 percent truthful but i have noticed my husband isnt for talking sexual with me anymore and doesnt ask to see me on cam. he tells me he loves me but he continues to add girls on his facebook he says theres only one girl hes around cause of work but hes added like 15 thats in iraq with him. Whenever i bring up anything he gets defensive and starts shooting out stuff about me. Hes also wanting me to not fly down to see him when hes home from iraq cause ill be moving to kansas from cali and itll cost money. But he gets madd cause i wanna be with him when hes home. He leaves in feb for school so it makes sence i wanna be with him everymoment i can. he doesnt send me cute lil notes anymore or comments or anything. i loggedo n his yahoo one day n found girls with the status im so horny babe does this signify he might be cheating? he says those are girls from the past and he doesnt talk to em but he argued with me for a month before u “told me he deleted them” why argue for a month if they were from the past…??? he changed all his passwords n everything… does it sound like a typical cheating guy from iraq?

    • Is this your first pregnancy? Congrats!!

      Your husband must be addicted to porn and the internet and that can be a hazardess thing to a marriage
      a lot of men, Most men are addicted to porn, now to me it’s like cheating but to them it isn’t because nothing is happening between the girl on the internet and himself.
      Man that is a tough subject and I do not think i have ever been with a man that did not like porn, can you live with it? do you love him enough to live with it? that is the question because most men do look at it, sex is used to sell everything these days, does it make it right? NO. I saw a Dove Chocolate commercial on today with a half naked woman wrapped in a chocolate looking vail. Guys are simple minded though. What to do? Man that is a hard one, NO PUNN INTENDED
      The next time you speak to him tell him you love him and trust him and tell him you are ok with his addiction to porn, that you know he would never take it to the next level. YOU WILL KNOCK HIM OFF HIS feet. HE WILL think something is up with you.
      KEEP THEM GUESSING. Maybe you will just take the thrill out of talking to other woman if he thinks you are ok with it. The next time he calls, don’t answer the first time it rings, make him call back. When you answer, just say oh i was talking to the neighbor outside and did not hear the phone ring. LOL Maybe he is concerned about you traveling with the little baby inside. AGAIN, men do not always tell you what they are thinking because we tend to want to control the conversation on the phone. JUST be quiet the next time you talk to him and tell him everything is fine and just wait for him to talk, if nothing happens, just say, well i really need to go now and take care of something if you do not have anything else for me. NOW, i have heard of strange women showing up to greet their men and finding out the man is married and the wife is there also. It has happened. There are STUPID WOMEN EVERYWHERE, USUALLY the commanding officer has to handle that situation. BUT really, if the guy cheats around his buddies his buddies are talking about him. MOST men would be ashamed of cheating on their pregnant wife and having their buddies know about it. It’s the whole Military Integrity thing.
      KEEP YOUR HEAD UP. I know I am rambling on. I bet those 15 girls he added are competing for his attention too. Stupid Girls. I tell you they are everywhere. By the way, did you choose to pcs to stay near your family while he was on deployment because you were pregnant and wanted to be near family?
      I mean normally a wife would stay at the place where the husband was returning and pcs out together unless maybe he is getting premoted and ya’ll had to make a quick move so that he could start right in to school when he got back. I’m just saying. DONT Worry about this stuff. YOU NEED TO WORRY about NO#1 and YOUR HEALTH AND the BABIES health. THAT IS WHAT MATTERS RIGHT NOW.

  46. Yoel… wive is in bagdad for a year its about 6 DAYS …. sorry my spelling… my mind just full of crapy stuff…i meant 6 DAYS for her to come home… but she told me 3 weeks ago that she was messing around w another soldier from different unit, wich now she is moving out and moving on… close to where this guy lives.. we have a daugther she is 2 1/2 years wich i was always taking care of her, working and do all the things i husband does to suppoort his wive being n that terrible darkness place… ” war “…. so i told her that we can go to consueling and go tru this but.. she dnst want to cause she said she feels weak and not strong enuf… wich i found out for her teeling me that she married me just cause she did not wanted to lose me and lose our daughter,,, wich i thing it was a very selfish action…i always was with her on the msn chat being always caring about she was feeeling or updates along the year… everything was like wow so very good comunication, so many plans in mind. and now she just care about herserlf not even about our princessa ,anyways so this is a part of my story sharing w people… about feeling like being used…

    • sounds like you two were married for the wrong reasons








  47. Yoel… wive is in bagdad for a year its about 6 sex for her to come home… but she told me 3 weeks ago that she was messing around w another soldier from different unit, wich now she is moving out and moving on… close to where this guy lives.. we have a daugther she is 2 1/2 years wich i was always taking care of her, working and do all the things i husband does to suppoort his wive being n that terrible darkness place… ” war “…. so i told her that we can go to consueling and go tru this but.. she dnst want to cause she said she feels weak and not strong enuf… wich i found out for her teeling me that she married me just cause she did not wanted to lose me and lose our daughter,,, wich i thing it was a very selfish action…i always was with her on the msn chat being always caring about she was feeeling or updates along the year… everything was like wow so very good comunication, so many plans in mind. and now she just care about herserlf not even about our princessa ,anyways so this is a part of my story sharing w people… about feeling like being used…

  48. My husband is not in Iraq but he won’t stop texting the female soldiers he works with and he finds it extremely exciting when he has to go n duty. He said one them I asked him about was a lesbian but they were texting each other until the wee hours and he jumps whenever she texted him. He even sent her text like ‘missing you already, hurry back’ and can’t wait for breakfast mmmnnnnnnhhhh crunchy nut clusters. I do not trust him at all any more and everday all I think about is how to leave him. He has done this texting thing before and I beleive he has been cheating on me but I have no proof. However this has completely damaged whatever respect I have for him or any hope I have for our marriage. We have no kids and he is not keen on making efforts for us to have one. We have been married for nine years and all our friends have kids. I want kids and now want to leave him. I do not want to tell him or anybody. I just want to pack my things one day while he is on duty and leave. Then send him the divorce papers later.

      plan it out

      oh, i probably should not tell you this but if you are married to a military person 10 years you are entitled to 25% of their retirement. So hang in there one more year if you can.

      I hate it for you but if he is texting someone stuff like that, gross. That is an insult to you and your devotion for 9 years. Has he done drugs?
      I tell my husband all of the time, women are just evil and he laughs and says yep, your right. Men are just dumb sometimes.
      My husband knows what to look for when someone is hitting on him, he was clueless about this stuff when i met him. Now sometimes I think, crap, what if he uses the tools and info I have given him to try to hook up with someone. LOL
      Well, if that happens then I will just have to deal with it.
      It’s like preparing your children about sex or talking to strangers. If you don’t tell them, they will be at risk. If you do tell them and something happens then at least you did your job as a parent. NOT saying my husband is a child or anything but woman are smarter then men in that area. Men are just Neive. Ya know? I know i can’t help you out much. I wish I could. Just make sure that you wait until your 10th anniversary before you do anything crazy like leaving.
      also put in your divorce papers that you would like for him to pay your insurance for the next two years also. You need to make sure you are covered in these hard times until you can get insurance somewhere else. Otherwise OBAMA will be trying to fine you for not having any. Hopefully you have a job with insurance and do not have to worry about that.

      Good Luck Friend. Yikes, i just hate it for you.

  49. my girlfriend got deployed to iraq and i found out she’s had/is having an affair with an officer. i have this sense of feeling that for some (like i said some) of the soldiers, cheating isn’t cheating while you’re deployed because it’s like a different reality. man, i waited for her. this sucks.

  50. I am the wife of a soldier who is currently 30 days out from redeployment. When he left I never imagined it would be this hard (funny because I am prior service, so I should have known better I guess) and I sure didn’t think I would cheat. However, immediately after he left we started having problems They only got worse with time and amplified because of the deployment. Although he was so close to coming home, I did the one thing I swore I wouldn’t. I just told my husband recently that I cheated on him. It was one time and the biggest mistake of my life. I can’t and won’t ever try to justify or excuse my behavior. I’m am completely disgusted with myself. I just want to say that it is possible to learn and grow from it. My husband wants to make this work and I am willing to do whatever it takes to prove to him that I want this and this marriage means more than anything else. I know some people might say that I should have thought about it before it happened…well, I didn’t….I didn’t think about anything until it was done. I do know that it will never happen again!

    • My son recently died from Iraq and it’s very devastating to find out that his wife is having an affair with another guy back home while her husband is risking his life fighting for his country. My son doesn’t know the affair of his wife so received all the benefits from the military. He was betrayed from his wife and his dignity was smeared.I wish there is a law that she will go to jail if found guilty in adultery. And it’s only fair to all the soldiers that has the same situation.

  51. i dont lnow how old this is but i am deployed in afghanistan right now we as soldiers will never tell our family members what is always going on or going through our heads. most people dont know what it feels like to fear for your life everyday not knowing if u going to get shot, blown up with an ied or have RPGs shot at you. i hope you never have to know. i dont want anyone to see or go through things i have. i was searching the web about wives cheating on their husband while the husband is in a war zone. i constantly wonder if my wife is cheating on me. it makes me depressed at times but their is nothing i can do if she is. i love my wife and i trust her with everything in me but being here away for your loved ones makes you wonder things that wouldnt normaly go through your head…it does while your here. i wish the military would come up with something to keep in touch better with your loved ones while we are deployed i think if your deployment is over 6 months long the military should fly you to a safe location and your loved one too and give a week or two vaction to the soldier. it would boost our morale very high (i know i would be alot better off here if i could see my wife). anyways i pray for all my brothers that are fighting this hell with me and i thank all of you that send us stuff over here it is much needed and is much appreciatied….thank you all who support us.

  52. she has actually since informed me that she and her husband are swingers and that he got off on listening to them having phone sex, and actually condoned what was going on. I’m thinking seriously about calling the base commander and asking him to keep a tighter reign on his soldiers. Their lifestyle is none of my business UNTIL it begins to affect my family. He’s been thrown out of the house, but I still think they should be made to pay for being irresponsible with their lifestyle.

  53. Hell yes he has a right to know, look what your hubby did to you. Stick it to her for messing with your man!!

  54. I just found out m civilian husband was having an affair with a woman who’s husband is in the military. Do you all think he has a right to know what his wife is up to?

  55. My fiance left to AIT, its known for some as “ass is temporary” not kidding…while she was over there she met a man she hardly knew slept with him. when she came back she embraced she loved me she cared for me…until one day I saw on her phone that she talked to him almost everyday. I called him and asked who he was. He said he was her boyfriend and thats when it all came to light. He told me everything that happened. When I confronted her she denied and denied and lied to my face over and over. For a week I begged her to tell me the truth, she finally admitted it. It has been five months, I don’t know what to do. She says it just happened that it was a mistake. However I keep finding pictures of him and her on her computer, smiling, kissing it doesn’t seem like a mistake to me. I love her too much, this is an old post, I was hoping maybe there might be a support group or something, I need help

  56. Any one have loved ones in Kosovo?? KFOR 10. My husb has been over there for 10 months and he swears there is no cheating going on , that you will get into serious trouble with the command if you get caught. In my mind and heart that is a bunch of bull. He was totally different when he came home for his leave during the holidays. I have heard that the female soldiers visit rooms and stay over night with the male soldiers all the time. any one else with info to enlighten me?/ Thanks tastee

  57. okay, so I recently met a female soldier that just came home on emergency leave.. she knew my husband there. My husband is outside the wire as was she and she told me about how there are quite a few female soldiers that are prostituting down range!! I can’t help but wonder…My husband and I have a picture perfect marriage but what about when he is so far away for so long.. how can I compete with women that are giving themselves away out there??? I know that my husband is really, really good looking.. he always has been and that just makes it worse.. Anyhow, I guess I just needed to vent my worries… its not like I could vent to him while he is over there… thanks for listening!

  58. First off. you accused him of cheating based on the remarks of people who were not friends and have allowed this to cloud over your relationship ever since. I am not trying to be critical but it sounds a lot like I trust you but..? You appear to have held on to that distrust ever since. What you don’t say is that you have actually caught him cheating. So, you may be creating a self fulfilling prophecy so to speak.

    I think you need to see a counselor to work on the issue of trust. Your fears may or may not be real. But, you can not make a person the center of your life. You need other interests and friends, real friends. So does he. Marriage is a partnership based on mutual trust and respect. Your under lying uncertainty now will always be in the way of a close marriage and will also make him feel insecure.

    You two have grown up together. Neither of you have ever dated anyone else or had any real separate social activities it appears. This is why I am always leery of cases where people get hooked up in middle school or high school. Many times it ruins what could have been a great relationship because one or both have been totally invested in each other. Later as they mature, one or both often begins to wonder if they have missed “something!” This and the air of distrust over shadowing your relationship is a real problem.

    MILITARY LIFE STRESSES RELATIONSHIPS. You need a good foundation of love and trust to get through the tough times. Yours is not a unique situation. It actually happens more often than not. At this point in your relationship, professional help can help guide you. Had either of you had more relationships besides your own, I think many of your insecurities would not be present.

    I do not mean cheating. I am referring to the trend among young people today to too quickly tie themselves down to one relationship and for go the “dating” game so to speak. That takes away a very big part of social and relationship development skills.

    Don’t apologize for your questions. They are actually very good ones. You are both experiencing doubts. He may very well be cheating. But, you need to address allow a professional help you through this either way to help you develop your coping skills and trust. If more people addressed issues before marriage, many more marriages would be more stable and survive the trials they experience. If this relationship is meant to be, then it will survive this test if you get good guidance now. You took the first step in the right direction when you came here for support and help!

    If it turns out your guy really is looking elsewhere, then why would you really want to keep him. You deserve better! If he isn’t, then he deserves better.

  59. did Imention he is deploying in six months? after reading all the posts, im worried he might cheat.

  60. Hey everyone! Although I have not had any REAL proof my boyfriend cheated, I had some doubts. I know most of you are married with marital problems so you might see this post as unimportant but I would really appreciate some input. Me and my boyfriend have been dating since we were in high school and we had an on/off relationship for 5 years. Yes, 5 years! He has shown me he loves me in many ways and he is affectionate. But about 2 1/2 years ago, some of our old friends, two of which are the kind that talk behind each other back, said that my boyfriend had sex with another girl at a party I was not present in. These people (who I did not talk to much at the time, and were not really friends anymore) told my best friend, which then she told me. I confronted him about it but he denied and denied. I didn’t believe him until two of his friends, including an ex emailed me saying that he really loved me and would never do that, and that I shouldnt believe backstabbing ppl. There is part of me that believed him, but another that keeps questioning if his friends were doing him a favor. I decided to tell him I believed him since I or my best friend were not at the party to see if he had sex or not. After that event, I moved 9 hours away, which then 3 months later he decided to move where I was at. Everything was fine until he decided to join the Army. He said he wanted to do it for us so that when we get married we would be able to live off his paycheck and that I could still go to college. Christmas exodus comes around, he goes back to his hometown to see his family. I didnt get a chance to see him then because of my family issues, but we still kept talking and having a relationship. He goes back to his base and for some reason I get a feeling to log into his email. He didnt know I had his password because he gave it to me a long, long time ago and didnt remember he gave it to me, which he didnt have a problem doing. I found out he was sending pics of himself to an Ex!!! Nothing disgusting, just him looking real good in uniform… He was very sexy I might say… Anyways, I was mad because that certain ex caused a lot of problems before. During those off periods in our relationship, she kept telling him she wanted to be with him, and he believed her. He said he still had feelings for her and was confused. And Even we we got back together, she told everyone he wanted to take her to prom! We both ended up going to prom together, but it wasnt the greatest fun I was expecting, mainly because he kept saying we were not meant to be together. It was basically high school drama. I confronted him about the pictures, and at first he acted like he didnt remember. Then he said the only reason he sent her those pics was because she didnt belive he was in the army when he ran into her during christmas exodus. He never metnioned he ran into her until I went into his account.
    So one more time, I let it go. But then he procedeed to change his password, and he didnt want to give it to me anymore. I should have never openly confronted him about it.
    He proposed to me about 6 months ago, and it was very sweet. But the whole time he acted a little protective of his cell phone. Even when I used his cell to call my mom, he said he was worried when I snooped in his cell…which I only did it that time to see if he got my last few texta he said he never got. He says it shows I dont trust him enough.
    One thing has been hapening lately..he has been getting new interests like getting a tattoo. He used to say he never liked them, and said that I should never get one becuase he found it unattractive. Now he says he might get one. For a month now, he has stopped calling on Fridays, and last weekend was the first time he did not call me in 3 days. I asked him why and he said he has been busy playing video games and watching movies!?? Whenever I call him lately, he barely answers his phone, but when he calls, he is usually his affectionate self over the phone. He still says he loves me, but for some reason, I have this gut feeling somthing is not right. I constantly worry about if he is cheating on me.
    He was supposed to come see soon, but now he is spending most of his time with his fam, which is fine with me. He needs to see them. But it would have been nice to see if visiting me is one of his priorities. He is still coming for 2-3 days, out of his 2 week break, and wants me to drive down to see him for the rest of the time. I would have liked if he could have spent a week with him to look over wedding locations and think about a budget. He now says we might now have enough money to have the kind of wedding I want to have, which he seems to think I want an expensive one. I just want to have a nice wedding where there will be enough tables, chairs and food for everyone. And he calls me self-serving for wanting to have a decent wedding!!
    He has stopped text messaging as much, only ocasionally he texts “i love u” and whenever we talk, its only for 10 minutes or less, usually before he goes to sleep. He has also stopped emailing. I thought I could get him started again by emailing him loving msgs, but it hasnt worked. I thought it would be great to do since we are in a long distance relationship.
    I know being in the army can be stressful and demanding, but his behavior has been different and when I ask him if he is doing okay, he says everything is fine. He barely says he misses me, wants to hold me etc, like he used to. It is a change I am not dealing with very well.
    So I am not sure if I am being completely paranoid. Most of my insecurities stem from our on/off rollercoaster relationship. Back then, we both did a lot of emotional damage to each other by playing games, etc. We have grown up since and we have had a stable relationship for the past two years. I love him a lot and basically my life has been revolving around him. I havent had a serious relationship other than him, so I wouldnt know what to do if I found he cheated. Also, I want to point out that I do not put him on a guilt trip over what he has done before. I just let it go, but always seem to remember. I just dont accuse him about it repeadedly. Anyways, I just wanted to know if there is something I can do, or change the situation I am in. Advice is needed please! Thanks and sorry for the long post.

  61. Cinnamonsugar:

    Wow, you go girl! Does your husband have any inkling just what a “jewel” he has been married to all these years? You will make it no matter how things turn out between you two, of that I am sure.

    You are not alone. Most of us here share your experiences in our own way. It is the sharing of these experiences that allows us to help each other and get through our trials and move on.

    Thank you for sharing. Please come back and let us know how you are doing. When you can, please help support another as Just My Two Cents has done so well.

  62. Cinnamonsugar:

    I’m glad that things have somewhat improved for you.

    The best thing you can do for yourself and for your kids is to take of yourself. If it’s salsa dancing, going back to school, making new friends, you need to find something that helps return your confidence and makes you feel good. The sooner you take action, the faster you’ll start rebounding.

    Since you mention anger, is there someone that you could talk to about it? It’s such a destructive emotion. I’ve been there, and I know that you need an outlet to try to work through all of the feelings you are experiencing alone instead of as a couple. There are a lot of people who let you down, but the reality is that your husband made the choice and no one else. The secretary isn’t going to “take responsibility” and neither will the staff; if they did, would it make a difference? Some stuff you’ll need to accept that you can’t do anything about it.

    I’d also suggest that you be responsible for the family finances since your husband’s behavior has cost your family financially. He should give you the credit cards, the check book and anything else that could lead to him to creating more debt. If he really wants to work on things, I would think that he’d be inclined to accept a short leash.

    You have my sympathy and well wishes. Now go sign up for some lessons, and let us know how much fun you are having!

  63. Well alot has happened since I made the comment above, my husband came to a decision and called this woman and told her he didn’t want to continue on with the relationship anymore. Too late, however, because shortly after that, someone made a complaint and now he is being investigated for possible UCMJ violations. Nothing like the cold, hard slap of possible disciplinary actions to wake a person up to the monumental self-destructiveness and stupidity of their actions. It helps that she hasn’t lifted a single finger to help take some responsibility for what happened, preferring instead to sit back and watch him fry as long as she doesn’t get into trouble. I guess it made him realize how lucky he had been to have me and how much he wants me by his side now that he needs me. After all, I have always been there for him. We are trying to work through this and I hope it works but I have alot of anger. We might make but it won’t be the same as before, never will I be so reliant on someone else for my happiness and security again. I plan to cultivate my independence, to get a career so that I have my own income. To cultivate my own interests and hobbies(I have always wanted to learn how to salsa dance) instead of just immersing myself in his. I will no longer tolerate bad behavior on his part because I am afraid he will leave me. I love him but I would rather be alone than go through this in another 5 or 10 years. I will be happy again whether it is with him or without him, but already I am stronger. I want to thank you for your comments, it did truly make a difference to know someone was out there and my story touched them even if it was only in a small way. For awhile there I was feeling as if I had no meaning in anyone’s life. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I just have to make my way to it.

    • yeah do the salsa dancing… look i used to be a instructor but i take off from it.. cause all i wanted it was being w my wife.. but after things she did…. im going back to the teach thing.. and it really gets u out from ur relationship problems….. why ? cause dancing is something that makes ur body feel the emotion to smile and keep living and makes u forrget about ur love hurts…and is a way to be social with people , gettin into a new world and meeting new people and maybe who knows someone who u can be happy and always having fun… but dnt get into a relationship,,, just to forget someone… to fast… give ur time.. to forget and forgive… in my case i used to go but when she was gone i stopped to go cause i didnt wanted any missunderstdng w girls… but now…. i feel like im a person who can find someone who can really values me for who iam or the way iam… and im trying to get my confidence back again after getting hurts as a person who means nothing… or being just reading my wifes’s mean comments and bounch of negatives….so ” remember nobody knows what they have untill they lose it….. and im sure my wife after she moves in close to where her new boyfrnds lives and see the reality about it is not just about being on bed all the time.. she is gng to relaize that she has lose a person like me, the way i was with her… with so much romanticist caring, and bla bla bla…. i guess cause of my hispanic culture…. she is gng to be regreat but …. by that time… will be to late… caause already tryed to tell her about the counsoling.. but she dnst want to.. so…. hope u can get into a salsa dancing and wait untill u know about bachata dancing, u gng to love it… mostly if u r single now… lol/.. anyways… keep it up…. and remember… now is ur time… good luck and take care of urself…. adios.

  64. Cinnamonsugar, I, too, am so so very sorry this has happened to you and your family. Personally, the “other” woman is a “sexual predator” in my mind. But, that is my personal opinion. People like her are found in all elements of society. However, I agree, her conduct does not remove your husband from responsibility for his own actions. He has used his illness and lack of personal courage to fight his demons as an excuse to justify his personal cowardice!

    I assume the “woman” dumped him though you didn’t say so. Frequently that is the way these parasites work! Blessed1 has given you the best possible advice. I hope for the sake of you and your children you take her advice. I admire your courage and strength.

    Whatever action you take, just remember, a trust has been broken. It will take time to be earned again, if ever. You must decide if your past relationship was worth trying to restore. It will “never” be the same as before! But, it can be a better, stronger one, if “both” of you are willing to work on your own “personal demons” and work together to build new trust.

    Personally, I would tell him, if I were you, that unless he gets help, “it is over!” But, that is my position from my own personal experience from a very similar situation. In my case, we were just ordinary civilians. He both cheated and battered physically and emotionally.

    Whatever you decide to do, I will keep you in my prayers. I wish you peace of mind and personal happiness. You will make it as your past actions show great strength and personal courage! God Bless you and your kids.

  65. cinnamonsugar,
    i am truly sorry for the pain and anger you must feel right now. Is your husband willing to attend marriage counseling at this point? Is he asking you to stay and work things out? At the very least- I would receommend that you go through counseling even if he will not…. I believe that time will be your best friend when it comes to letting go of the anger and hurt… unfortunately there is no quick fix for something of this magnitude….

  66. When my husband got back from Iraq he was held on med-hold, for injuries he had received during a carbomb, at Ft. Polk Louisiana. After he was released from med-hold he found a position at JRTC where he went to work. It wasn’t long after he went to work there that I noticed that the secretary to the Colonel in the office where my husband worked was getting very friendly with my husband. She is a civil service DOD employee who served a couple of years in the Air Force. I hoped that she was just a naturally friendly person but I worried anyway. The situation for us was especially bad because my husband was actually National Guard who was on activitation so the kids and I were not at Ft. Polk but lived over an hour away. The secretaries’ husband is also in the Army and has just recently gone to Iraq for a deployment. I think things started to go downhill when she found out that her husband was deploying and she started in on my husband. Mind you, I’m definitely not excusing any of his behavior, he didn’t do anything to stop what happened and fully participated in what followed. After her husband left she began calling my husband constantly during the day and texting him continually(which I later found out about thro the phone bills). They had long conversations til late at night lasting for hours, in fact he would cut off phone conversations with me when he got an incoming call from her. They talked about what a lousy husband her husband was and how I just didn’t socialize enough or was understanding of my husband. They flirted with each other and made sexual commentary to each other. During this time, the times that my husband spent at home became very strained. He was very angry all of the time, frequently hollering at our children and getting very aggressive at our teenage son. He looked at me like I was something that smelled bad, he was extremely disrespectful of me to the point of hollering at me in public. He would walk so fast in public that I had to run to keep up with him. He was constantly impatient with me and acted as though I did nothing more than annoy him. This was after 20 years of being his best friend, serving alongside him in the Army, being married to him for 18 years, being there for him through all of his personal problems(of which there were many), taking care him when he was sick, taking care of everything and supporting him emotionally when he was deployed. Many times throughout our marriage I have felt like a single parent. I have always taken care of all our financial matters and continually struggled against his spendthrift ways. When he got back from Iraq, I had used the extra money he made and paid off all of our bills, we were debt free for the first time in our marriage, but a short time after he started working with her he bagan spending money like there was no tomorrow. Now we are in debt for 10’s of thousands of dollars and all of our credit cards are charged up. We both knew that he was having some problems with PTSD, but he was afraid to seek counseling because he was trying to get a full time position active duty and was afraid no one would want him if they thought he had PTSD, so he went without counseling. She knew he was having problems because back when I thought she was a nice person I told her that my husband was having problems reconnecting with us on returning from Iraq. She took this knowledge and used it to her advantage, she was setting him up for a sex companion for when her husband left for Iraq. I mean, think about it, my husband was perfect. We had been in a monogamous relationship for years so she didn’t have to worry about disease, he wasn’t going to say anything because he was married too, he was conveniently close and we were far away and disconnected to the base where we might have heard something about what was going on. What makes me angiest about this whole thing, was the fact that everyone in that office including the Colonel, the Lt. Colonel, the Sgt. Mjr., the Master Sgt., and everybody connected to it knew what was going on and did nothing about it. Where is all of the Army family values crap? Nobody even did anything to her for what she is doing to her husband while he is deployed.
    I don’t know if we can stay married after this, the effect on our marriage has been devastating. Our kids have lost a lot of respect for their father, they just don’t understand how he could have done this to me after I have been so good to him, and they have met her and especially don’t understand why he chose her. But I don’t think he really chose her, she was just the instigator and it thrilled and flattered him and he just didn’t say no, because it was too much fun. As he told me, ‘it was the thrill of a new face someone new to talk to’. I’m definetely not a new face to him, after as much as we had been through together, but I would have thought love, loyalty, selflessness, honesty, integrity, and friendship would have counted for something.
    I still love my husband but I feel alot of that love has died a painful death. I’m afraid my love will continue to die til there is nothing left of what once was. I am still here for him though I am angry because in trying to protect his career I have not been able to make an issue of what she has done and is doing again now with someone else who is also married and who’s wife isn’t there either. What can I do? I am so angry and hurt.

  67. […] see I haven’t missed too much. Cheating Military spouses” still continues to pull in the most viewers and comments. I have to say I find this an alarming bit […]

  68. Iraq-Vet-Female, I am sure your observations are based on your personal observations. However, I hope that they are “not” really accurate. It is a sad commentary, indeed, if our troops, “male” and “female,” have so little self control and personal self respect that they must lower themselves to such conduct. It is also an alarmingly poor representation of American standards and moral conduct.

    Just My Two Cents, as usual, your comments are very on target. You always add so much here whenever you post a comment. You have a way of going to straight to the point. Thank you for your remarkable insight.

    NewWife, if I were you, I would be more concerned about the future of your own marriage to this “pillar of manhood” you married. I will pray your luck with him is better than his last wife. However, a cheater never takes responsibility for his/her actions. They always seem to blame others. By the way, do you not feel at all bothered by your own role in the “ruination of a marriage?”

    My advice, seek marriage counseling now so you will be prepared for the inevitable. Cheaters rarely just cheat “once!”

  69. Newife: Sad, sad, sad. You “feel sorry” but I guess it really is his ex-wife’s fault seeing how she’s lazy, overweight and unattractive. It’s called life…having kids, getting older, dealing with things you never thought you’d have to. You’ve got blinders on if you think that “satisfying [a] man” is all it takes. A marriage takes a heck of a lot more maturity than that.

    He is a cheater. He sacraficed a wife and three children. He blamed his ex-wife for his problems. He was no example to his soldiers, including you. Your husband does not honor his uniform or his country. Honest to goodness, I do not want a person so lacking integrity putting on a uniform.

    I’m guessing that he’s an older dude dealing with a mid-life crisis and you’re fairly young and impressionable. Please, please, please do yourself a favor and don’t become any more of a cliche. I’d really hate to see you returning here after your deployment telling us about how you ignored all the signs.

  70. I was a soldier in Iraq and I was with a MSG (master sergeant) in my unit while i was over there. I didnt know he had a wife who he was married to for 11 years and 3 kids in the rear he kept all of that secret. However I evenutally found out and he cried and apologized. I told him I could NOT see him anymore because he was married. He told me that he didnt want to be with her and he loved me but I didnt believe him. However he filed for divorce while in Iraq and proposed to me when we got back to the rear. We are now happily married and deploying together again in 4 months. I do feel sorry for his wife but he says its her fault because she was lazy and she let herself get very overweight and unattractive. Ladies dont loose your man to a co-worker for not satisfying your man. And when I say we are HAPPY we are very.

  71. LADIES LADIES LADIES I really dont understand how these spouses in the rear dont know that there are female soldiers overseas in Iraq. I am NOW a army wife but I was a soldier (female) also in Iraq and I hate to say it but for the 15 months that I was there (2005-2006) almost EVERYONE and i mean almost EVERYONE 80% of the soldiers over there were sleeping with someone else there. The wives back home dont know or to naive to know that their husbands, even the ones in combat MOS still have female support. My COL. of my brigade even briefed the soldiers before we left that “we know you are going to have sex over there just be safe” Thats why they sell condoms at ALL of the PX’s in Iraq. ALL of them. I was back and forth through many camps because I worked with the Corps G-6 and I know exactly how it is. Out of my whole brigade there was only maybe a handful who were faithful..from the Generals down to the Privates. The hooches (male and females) are right next to each other. No seperation what so ever. If you walk out of your trailor at night you would see whats going on. MSG Snuffy going in to LT.Huffy’s room and whoever else. Not only that but Male soldiers were paying the contractor women from the Philipines and other countries to come to their trailors at night…yes we shared living quarters with them to. It really baffles me how some of you dont know whats going on?? But since some of you husbands and wives havent been “over there” you wont know. The military likes to keep these things private. Some senior leaders even encourage soldiers to “have fun”. I really feel sorry for some of you women and wish that more of you knew what happens over there. My husband is going over there again in 2 weeks…however this time I wont be going with him…but he wont be able to tell me that B.S. stories and think I wont know. LADIES there are MANY MANY MANY women over there, from the MANY female soldiers, Governemnt employees, Military contractors, AAFES Employees…dont think just because he patrols he never goes to his home base where there are females. No one comes in at night and checks their living quarters to make sure no one is staying the night with another soldier. My husband (boyfriend) at the time when I was in Iraq I slept in his trailor EVERY NIGHT that he was in Camp Victory…no one EVER came to check on that. I seriously hope some of you women wake up to the reality of it.

  72. Angry Spouse, I know it seems that way. But, don’t you think this “little tramp” would conduct herself in the same manner outside the military. You know that old saying, “a rose by any other name is still a rose!”

    I see this same behavior every day in the civilian world. These selfish, irresponsible people are every where. I think that now, for some reason, they6 don’t feel they need to use discretion any more. They now conduct their affairs in very open manners with little or no regard for consequences to others and themselves.

  73. the chain of command doesnt care. I am an ex Infantry/ABN NCO My ex wife is an intel officer in the army and had more affairs than you can count. Married, single, they don’t care. She had been married FOUR times before age 30. They are all screwing each other constantly. No wonder we cant win this war.

  74. When I first wrote about “cheating in the military” over a year ago, I never expected such a tremendous response. Since that time, I tried to start a couple forum on this topic and others. Still, the responses keep coming i here.

    I am often amazed at the repetition of stories and the fact that though most appear to be from women, many are from men. But, what amazes me more is the willingness of you all to help each other as you work through your experiences. My hat is off to you all!

    I feel honored you have chosen to use my blog as one of your venues for help and healing. Many of you have come a long way! Keep it up, all of you. This is what support is all about, people sharing and helping each other!

  75. Spammers are not welcome here. If I can find out who you are you will be reported and possibly prosecuted.

  76. well i just found out that my husband who is in the army is cheating on me with a woman in his unit, we have been together for 12 years and i am 5 months pregnant. How do you move on from this. It has got to be the worst feeling and why cant people be held accountable for this

  77. I have so many thoughts about cheating, i was in a beautiful or so i thought, relationship for 15 years. My husband and I were blessed with three lovely children, a deep love for each other. After 15 years, I still got the butterflies when I knew he was on his way home from work. Even in grocery stores, when we would separate to do the shopping I still found myself craning my neck, searching for him. We had our share of problems, I was not perfect, neither was he, it was our lack of communicating that broke us down, only once had I thought he might have cheated but he was a drill and I knew that his career was so important to him that he didnt. When we came to fort campbell, while he was in school, i opened my mouth, pissed him off, totally joking, but he got fed up apparently, said he wanted a divorce, sooo very out of the blue. He said it was me, but I know now there was a former trainee of his he had been keeping in contact with and certainly compared to his overweight loony tunes wife, she was better than me. I was devasted. Shortly thereafter he deployed, after many hurtful comments on IM from him,, such as, Our third child was his attempt to fix US, he regrets his vasectomy, i decided it was over for sure. I mourned what we had, but then I decided to sleep with a was not for pleasure, it was for my ego. He came home and found out about it, of course, that gave him ammunition that now I was the bad guy…of course, he is still seeing (however not sleeping with, due to location) this girl. Women see cheating as different, he gave her his heart, which was mine for so long, i considered that just as bad if not worse than anything physical he could have done. Needless to say, I lost a lot of weight, gained some sanity back, grew balls along with my independance, have a blast at my job, wonderful friends that are not part of “his circle”. He came home from one of his many schools and just was amazed at my transformation. He had broken up with this female and I think was realizing the grass was not greener. I, however, while still single, still missing him like crazy, decided NOT to take him back. I still miss him, after several years, but I cannot go back to that time, the innocence i had, the naivete. One day, my cynical self may believe and trust another man, but until then, I am the only one I rely on. That is my advice to any woman out there…be independent, even in the best of relationships, be your own person, have your own friends, love your man, but love yourself

  78. Shawn, I don’t care if you’re in Irag, but you’re response is rude (i.e,the “stupid chicks” comment). There are some women on this form who have genuinely been hurt and never saw it coming. I’m one of them. When my fiance went off to Iraq in 2003, it never occured to me that he might have an affair. Probably wasn’t something that he considered either.

    People have affairs for a plethora of reasons– sex, lonelieness, an inability to cope with the stress, fear, boredom, depression, manipulation…so, it’s not always easy to distill it to the point of generalizing about soldiers, which is what you’ve done.

    You’re assessment that ALL military women are “sluts” is also disrespectful and wrong. And not ALL military men are liars (and if you believe that, then you’re calling yourself a liar).

    What I would agree with (and I’m reading into your post), is that any woman who is trying to establish a relationship with a deployed soldier should be realistic and avoid thinking that you’re living a life out of a romance novel. It does surprise me how emotionally attached some posters are to men they have not met and know only what little they are told.

  79. Like all the stupid chicks on here didn’t see a red flag?? Here would be one-you’re boyfriend is in the military. All military men are liars and out for themselves. The sooner you women find that out, the better. As for military women, they are complete sluts. For those of you who are thinking your spouse or partner is going off to Iraq and will be lonely and missing you-THINK AGAIN!!!!!!!!! You’re man is over there with plenty of different chicks and if he gets to use the internet and or phone, he can talk to whoever he wants and you can’t do a damn thing about it. I am in Iraq, I see it all the time-every single day. Ladies, if a man in uniform is trying to be in a relationship with you-RUN.

  80. Some responses to your post:

    1. I trusted him completely, even though I wondered about things.

    That’s you’re instinct telling you that something is wrong, but you ignored it.

    2. When I got here, yes…everything was great again, but I started to snoop. I know that’s bad, but I needed to know who I was dealing with…FOR REAL.

    Snooping isn’t necessarily bad, but asking direct questions is best before getting to that point. Did you try that first? Again, you’re instinct is telling you, SCREAMING at you, that something is wrong. You let it go.

    3. See, it was never about the location he lived in. Honestly, he begged me for three months to come out here and yeah, I’m still here.

    If you have to tell us that it wasn’t about the location, well, you probably aren’t really convinced that it isn’t–especially when you are still there three months later.

    4. He admitted everything to me, because I had solid evidence. He tried to deny it at first and got angry with me for bringing it up. He didn’t even really say sorry, he just wanted me to forget about it and act like everything was fine.

    So, why are you still in Hawaii? How much worse does this have to get before you wake up to reality? This is not a relationship. Never was. Never will be. You two are living in your own separate fantasy worlds.

    The rest of your story is so complicated and full of all kinds of drama, that I can’t believe that you are trying to work things out of this mess.

    Your “boyfriend” will never tell you this directly: he doesn’t want a relationship with you–there is no future. It’s all about finding gratification anyway he can, from anyone he can, whenever and wherever he can. You fill up a void for him. He fills up a void for you.

    Your disgust towards the other women (“bitches” as you call them”), and Army women in particular, is rather immature. Aren’t you one of those women? And, yes, you are being mean and rude…and just ridiculous. Direct your anger where it should be directed–at yourself. You saw the red flags, but you wanted to play with fire and you won’t stop, and that’s the point where I can’t find sympathy for you (which you seem to want).

    Seriously, talk to a professional who can help you understand why you are still in this? What’s the payoff for you? Reread your post, reconsider it, try to understand what’s really bothering you. I suspect you already know, but you aren’t ready to face the truth. The sooner you do, the quicker you’ll find true happiness and leave that slackass excuse for a soldier and a man.

  81. I met my current boyfriend online while he was deployed in Iraq. I trusted him completely, even though I wondered about things. When he was on R&R, he came to visit me and we met for the first time [in person.] Everything was wonderful, we really hit it off. When he got back home, I flew 7,000 miles to Hawaii so we could be together. When I got here, yes…everything was great again, but I started to snoop. I know that’s bad, but I needed to know who I was dealing with…FOR REAL. Come to find out, he was chatting with TONS of other girls. Telling all these girls he would fly them out to Hawaii. Buying not only me gifts and sending them to me, but some of the other girls. He was trading nasty pics and emails with these girls. He was on pretty much every dating and sex site out there. He had several myspace pages, which I found all of them and logged in to those as well. All messages to girls across the country…promising them a trip to Hawaii. See, it was never about the location he lived in. Honestly, he begged me for three months to come out here and yeah, I’m still here. Then later on, I found out that he SLEPT with a 19 year old co-worker while in Iraq [he’s 28.] The funny thing is, she gave birth to a baby in April and they were hanging out around the time of conception. They had JUST gotten back from Iraq. He admitted everything to me, because I had solid evidence. He tried to deny it at first and got angry with me for bringing it up. He didn’t even really say sorry, he just wanted me to forget about it and act like everything was fine. He still works with this chick, but claims they don’t talk or anything…yeah right. Then recently, I found out he was signing up with the sex and dating sites yet again. We were having a hard time with our relationship and I guess he was bored, or trying to find a backup plan. Also, when I got here, I found out all his friends were female. I was ok with it, but still wondered why. Yeah, because they are ALL strippers. Another thing worth mentioning. He was married when we met, but going through a divorce. He is divorced now, but he had cheated on his wife with someone he worked with then too. I also saw emails to his wife that he wrote during the separation [when he claimed they were over.] He was telling her that she is his best friend and he couldn’t wait to see her again and that he was willing to work things out. This was all while we were together. So, I am not sure if he cheated on me while he was in Iraq, because technically he was sleeping with the girl he worked with WAY before he met me, it just didn’t stop when he met me. So it was like, he cheated on so many people at once. He had his wife going, the co-worker in Iraq, the bitches on the net, and me. It’s so confusing. We are trying to work things out and he is getting out of the Army soon. What I am worried about is when we leave this island and he works somewhere else. Will he sleep around on me? I’m disgusted by Army women more so than anything. Not trying to be mean or rude, just real and telling you how I feel. Did they allow women into the military, so men would have someone to sleep with during deployments. It’s gross…it’s called self-control…find it and practice it.

  82. melissa .. iam so sorry for what you are going through… hang in there… it WILL get better

  83. my husband is a marine reserve and has been in Iraq since october of 2007. Before he left, I found out back in may that he was cheating on me with some 19 year old he sold a car to while he was working at a toyota dealership. Anyway, I had my suspicions a little while before that. He even slept with her on my birthday, lied to me about having to go to military training when he was actually in a hotel f’ing her, etc. etc. Anyway now he is gone and saying he loves me so much and of course he is sorry. This has really damaged my self esteem. I have difficulty sleeping, anxiety, depression, and feel aweful most of the time…its effecting my schooling, which scares me the most since I am training for the medical field. Even now, as he tells me he loves me and only wanted the best for me, he goes online every chance he gets to talk to slutty girls on myspace and god knows where else. He doesnt know that I know, but I do and have not confronted him about it. It makes me angry and I have of course been really pissy towards him when he does call or email…. Anyway, I just gave up. Everyday now I think of how short life is and how much I dont want to waist it. I am so mad at him for waisting my time and turning my world upside down. I concider myself to have a pretty hardy personality…I like a challenge, so I try my best to get through this…but no one wants to be betrayed by the one last person they thought they could trust. I have grown somewhat numb…and am kind of greatful for that because, maybe emotionally, it will get easier for me to do what must be done. but of course, I dont know what that is yet…im taking my time and thinking. THese things can make you feel a little manic. If it wasnt for what support systems i have (mom and friends at school) I would be much more fallen apart. and also the fact that I am getting closer and closer to what I wanted to do with myself professionally is helping. I am finding that ive always wanted to care for others…and my husband was who I thought I wanted to care for the most. But I see now he doesnt need me and i dont need him. I am satisfied with the fact that soon I will have the training to care for those who need it the most…the sick and dying. I quit with putting energy into those that are using and abusing like my husband and I hope some day he grows up….I feel bad for him. If there is one thing I can tell you all it is to build a support system if you dont have one already and find something that you are passionate about…something you can give yourself to that will satisfy you…because a man that cheats on you will never satistfy you in the ways you need to be satisfied…you have to grab it for yourself.

  84. Thank you…I’ll let you know the outcome:) Hoping for the best.

  85. I think any internet relationship should be scrutinized closely. First off you are corresponding to someone but not talking face to face. It is always easier to communicate this way. There is no threat direct threat. Se

    Secondly, you are communicating with a person who is emotionally most fragile in that their life is constantly at risk. No one wants to die and feel they have no one who will mourn their passing. I do not think this is intentional!

    Third, there is much in this relationship that has not occurred before you consider marriage or even physical intimacy. You haven’t had the personal contact needed yet for this to develop.

    I think you should go about your life as normal as possible under the circumstances. What will happen will happen. As far as dating, only you can decide that. Your lack of trust here is not a bad thing. You haven’t developed that area yet.

    He quite possible is still processing, or whatever it is called. Do not ignore your instincts. But, remember every situation is different. Love is always full of risks.

  86. Having been there done that with not a great ending. Went so far south it fell from the face of the earth. I can tell you that I should have asked more questions, asked for more information and trusted my gut instincts 9always trust this!). If you want I can provide, depending on your situation and circumstances, advice as to what I went through in a similar situation. My blog site is listed, just click on my name below, my email address is located in my profile on my blogsite. I can lend an ear and perhaps help you out.

  87. I’m wondering if there is any good news? I’m anxious and afraid right now…I met a Soldier in Iraq online in the early part of this year. We talked almost every day via the net and webcammed and he called often too. Pretty much…fallen in love. A month ago he was moved. I stopped hearing from him as often, and I noticed when I did see him and hear from him, his surroundings were different. He said he was waiting to be sent to Kuwait then Germany then home. We’ve gone from talking all the time in some form or another, to really none at all now. Right after thanksgiving he said he would be home in about 2 weeks. That came and passed. I’ve sent numerous emails. The last one I received from him was on 12/11, that was basically a 2 liner just saying believe in him as he believes in me, and that our future looks so bright. Now with reading these posts….I feel that I may have been a bit naive. I wonder now if he has someone else, if he’s really at home now and I don’t even know or what. I have no clue and I’m about to lose my mind. I love him. I watch the news every night to see if they mention his name…how else would I know if something has happened to him. I desperately hope not. I wish that I could call the base and get some information about his return or something. I just wish I knew something, Anything! It seems that none of these stories turned out well, so I’m wondering, if anyone went for weeks without speaking with their friend or spouse and there was a very valide reason for it?

  88. Just My Two Cents, what a beautifully supportive post. Thank you. Everything you said was right on target. You have tremendous insight! I am grateful for your input here!

  89. IfIOnlyKnew…I read all of your posts, and boy, could I see myself.

    I thought it was great that you acknowledged your instinct, but that you were able to rein in some of those “what if” thoughts because you lacked information. That takes a lot of maturity and self-awareness.

    Despite what happened, I think it’s remarkable that you took the high road and knew that you were capable of doing so before finding out the truth. You value yourself and others as well, whereas that cad in Iraq doesn’t. Be glad, so very glad that you know now.

    There is such tremendous value in acknowleding your instincts, and I think we all tend to deny them or allow them to make us anxious to point of acting in ways we normally wouldn’t. It’s a fine line knowing how to proceed, but you did the right thing. You questioned him rather than lettiing it pass, you questioned your own motives, you sought advice…you did all the right things. It’s just so unfortunate that you had to be hurt in the process. The good news is that this guy is just a blip on your dating radar and that there are many other guys out there who will appreciate the person you are.

  90. Ifionlyknew, I am so very sorry. But, as much as it hurts, and the low life did hurt you, he is the loser, not you! I have been through this several time. Twice while in the military and three or four times after I was out over the years. I went to counseling to see why it kept happening and in my case, I picked these people. I wasn’t aware what I was doing.

    The counseling helped. But, I did do the same thing again once afterwards. However, I handled it much better. So, at least now I am learning how to protect myself without shutting everyone out. You will be OK. It will take a while. But, from your post, I see you were smarter than me about how you handled it.

    I thank you for the kind words. I hope you come back often. Keep us updated. You can also be a big help to others. Think about it, OK?

  91. devildog,
    well, I have bad news to report. I learned the very next day that my suspicions were true… The “ex” was not the ex at all.. She opened up her myspace for me to see pics of them together in Kuwait (he was calling me at this time) and pics of them together just before being deployed. I can honestly tell you that I am not as hurt as I thought I would be. I have a friend who just came back from Iraq who did the same job… at the same camps and I would show him what HE wrote to me and my friend would tell me that what he was saying was “stretched” quite a bit. So I was preparing for the worst in some way. Anyways, thanks for the help and please continue this blog cause originally when I found you… there was nothing out there like this. Thanks again….

  92. That’s what we’re here for. I just knew that there was a good reason. You have handled this all very well. The unknown can indeed play on the mind. Sometimes it will make us see or think of one thing because the alternative is so painful. I am glad you got your call. I am glad your guy is OK.

  93. Devildog and ArmyJaded,
    Thanks for the advice. I have heard from him since we last talked. He was on a mission that did not allow him to communicate with me. He could have used the phone, but long lines, heat, and just being tired play a big factor. He has been training, running back to back missions and I have decided that until I have solid proof… I will believe him. The myspace thing was no big deal. He said he liked it. Really… thats all trivial. My self worth and how he feels about me is not going to be tied up in Myspace.

    I do hear you about not getting to close until he comes back. That is a good idea. It hard really when you already care for someone. The way I see it… if I am the person who doesnt nag, complain, or accuse.. he will want to be near me. I am no dummy. He knows that I am forward enough to talk about things that bother me. But sometimes, jealously and your mind play tricks on you and you dont always see things in total perspective. Thats why it was great to be able to get advice before jumping the gun. Like I said, he has always been a brutally honest person. Not necessarily with me, but I can think of one time where I got an answer I wasnt expecting…lol So all and all I thank you both for your imput and kind words.

  94. Good advice!

  95. To IfOnlyIKnew, Hopefully Devildog is right and I am a jaded pessimist, but instincts generally prove to be right. The whole MySpace thing also sent up red flags to me. If she is his ex-girlfriend, it shouldn’t matter what you put up on your account regarding him. If he isn’t open about it, than there is definately something wrong. My husband still seems to get away with convincing girls he’s single, despite the status of his MySpace account; he is a very good liar though. About the non-communication, it could be either two things and both are equally as possible. One is as you want to believe, that he is too busy on missions to contact you or two, that he doesn’t want to talk to you either for fear of some action he has taken or doesn’t know what to say. His MOS is a major factor in whether he is available to communicate all of the time. Most spouses I know whose husband was downrange, their husband was always logged onto their IM and they knew something was wrong (injury, death, bombing etc) if they lost the connection. Now my husband was rarely logged onto IM or connected to email and he swore it was for the lack of time allowed and slow connection, although looking back now, I am pretty sure I was just a sucker.
    Good luck though. I hope all is well, but I would stay emotionally detached until he comes back, so it saves you possible heartbreak or if he is true, you can re-get-to-know him without the weirdness of a long distance relationship.

  96. I’d still try to be patient though it is really hard. Keep everything status quo. I think it is OK to say subtly, you miss the IM’s but you know he’s really busy. Until you hear from him, don’t assume the worst! He could have, God forbid, been injured, not necessarily serious, but enough that he isn’t able or where he can contact you. He could be on a mission where they won;’t let him communicate for now. Sometimes there are fatalities in unit and a communication blackout is put in force until all families involved are contacted. There are so many real reasons that have nothing to do with cheating that could keep him from contacting you.

    We have become spoiled here at home in this war. It is the first one as far as I know where almost instant communications is available most of the time. We almost forget they are fighting a war. They aren’t going to talk about a lot of that part for different reasons, OPSEC being the biggest one.

    You’re doing OK though.Just keep posting when you need to. Everyone is here for you!

  97. I will say the reason (according to him) that she became his ex is because she wanted to get married before going to Iraq and he never wants to get married again! She tried to sell him on how much money they would make and he said no amount of money would make him do that again… and he knows I dont ever want to either so that was a plus for him…. but where is he now?

  98. First thanks for the words of advice. When I say “ex” its girlfriend. I dont like to look for feel insecure. But I have to be honest, its hitting me full force. This is out of his “norm” for us. I have continued to send the care packages and cards. I just dont want to be used. I have gone over our last conversation on IM and I cant find anything that would suggest he was unhappy. That is why I brought up the myspace business. I honestly dont know what to make of his not calling or Im’ing me. Other than he just doesnt want to. I dont know what life is like for him over there. This is a new relationship. Again…I dont know.

  99. Rule number one: friends mean well but they often give bad advice. They don’t want you to get hurt. Two: if his ex is one platoon and he is in another and they have opposite schedules, she has a new guy, forget about her. You said he was an almost brutally honest guy. You guys only dated for a few weeks so you didn’t get enough time to build a good foundation built on trust yet. Being an “ex” doesn’t mean they have to be enemies. Some even manage to be civil and/or friends. That doesn’t mean he’s cheating. Your Army friends may mean well; but, just because their “three weeks” were whatever doesn’t mean his is.

    I do know from going to the troop blogs and offering support, that sometimes missions or circumstances can keep him from calling,emailing,or whatever. Sometimes they will not post for a month. Us readers may not be a romantic interest; but, those bloggers are extremely good about posting when they can.

    Until you have a real reason to distrust him, then don’t let fear and well meaning friends cause you to doubt him. In the end, you fears could be true! But, if you are wrong, your lack of trust brought on by your fears could be the cause of the end of your relationship.

    As for the “ex”, well if she doesn’t like the “Myspace” profile, that is here problem. Now, I am assuming when you say ex, you mean ex spouse. If she is an “ex girlfriend,” I might be a little more leary. But, I still say, you really have nothing to base your fears on right now. Just keep up your letters and such like before. When you talk to him again, don’t third degree him. Give him a chance to offer freely why he hasn’t contacted you.

    Trust you gut instincts when you talk to him again, not outside advice. There may also be some concern on his part that his deployment is too much for you or he may be as afraid of getting hurt as you are. Don’t rush it.. let it happen if it’s going to happen. Enjoy what you have now until you get a real reason to do otherwise from him!

    I hope I am giving you good advice. I hope that this helps.

  100. I started seeing a soldier before a few weeks before he left to go to Iraq. We did not have a commitment but we did make promises to each other. I have upheld my end, and he says he has too. He is a pretty straight forward, brutally honest guy. Because we dont have a commitment I would think it is easier for him to break things off if he wanted to. Here’s my problem. His ex is over there. I had a funny feeling one day and I asked him if she was there and he said yes, but that she is was in a different platoon and his platoon is out all the time and her in. He made mention that she is dating another guy. He said she knows about me and pretty much everyone does because he comes up after returning to base to talk to me.

    He usually calls every 2-3 days. At most, I would hear from him on the 4th day. This is the first time but it has been 10 days and I dont know what to think. When we last talked everythign seemed fine. He even asked me to go on a cruise with him. He knew I was in a situation at home, gave me advice, and said I’ll talk to ya soon. He did say on Sunday that they just got back from a 45 hour mission and that they were getting ready to go back out. He also told me sometime back that he has a 3 week mission coming up but should still get internet access while away. I have talked to some army friends and they said that these 3 week missions are nothing more than working 7-days a week for 3 weeks. That if dedicated enough, he should be able to call home if he wanted to. My heart wants to say that he is still on his mission. But I dont want to lie to myself either. I hear far too often about these stories of deceit and I dont want to fall into this… even though I may have. The only thing I can say changed would be that we all( me, him, and the ex) have a myspace account and I changed my profile to reflect that I liked him. Its not exactly obvious to the average person. If you know him, than you would know what I meant. I have said this to him before and he was ok with it. I just wonder if she seen it and got upset.. and then started trouble. My girlfriends are doing alot of trash talking which isnt helping and I know this is petty compared to what some are really going through. I just dont want to get caught up in something that will ultimately hurt really bad…

  101. L just love the way you all help each other. Keep it up! That’s what it’s all about. It’s called support!!

  102. Jumpinjack22, I believe your comment was made for Sonyamarie, but it’s all good..We are all here to support. We all wish the best for her and her new addition.

  103. forerverandalways, I wish you all the best… why do they always go for someone that is so “below” you? It just go’s to show that its not about looks…. no rhyme or reason behind it!!! Stay strong and take good care of you and that new baby on the way!!

  104. I raised two kids on my own. I won’t lie, it wasn’t always easy. I went to a battered women’s program at the “Y” and never looked back. I also nearly developed cancer from his frequent sexual escapades! The doctor told me I was two stages from cervical cancer. When I asked the cause he said it was from frequency of different sexual partners. When I said I hadn’t been with anyone but my husband, he reminded me that there were two people in the marriage! You deserve better. Before he leaves, make sure you get your kids taken care of.He has an obligation to them!

  105. At least your mutual friends were able to enlighten you to his trolling for trolls. Good for them! But I have always said, no man has a good enough memory to be a good liar. He forgot to keep it simple, luckily for you. Quite bold of him actually to be open with his “G/F”. I’d be worried about my unborn child if I was you and building a proper environment to raise him or her in quite possibly without him. You have more going for you, even if it turns out to be by yourself. It isn’t so bad being on your own, trust me. With him being deployed it may get even worse not better. I wish you and your baby all the best!

  106. i understand what a lot of you are going through with the cheating spouse. For myself, my husband cheated on me. I was in Tampa studying and he was stationed in Fort Riley. I thought everything was perfectly fine. well he re-enlisted and got a bonus .. from that bonus he was to buy my plane ticket to come join him cause i am pregnant. well for the whole month he was acting funny and kept putting it off for me to be with him. Well finally he messed up big time. He took his “girlfriend” to the comessary and his friends who are my mutaul friends saw him with her. His buddy called me and told me everything that he witnessed.. and of course it devistated me. But i was determined to claim back what was mine. so i got on the next flight to KS and that took 2 planes and a 2 hour car ride… not so fun.. when i got there i had to break in my house.. so when he walked through the door he had 2 females with him.. one looked like a troll and the other i can not even comment on.. well these ladies where friends of his girlfriend.. well he left with them and took them back home and he told them i was his ex fiance and i always do this and show up unexspected. well he told his girlfriend about me and she came to the house to pick me up. well lets just say she was in shock with all the info i had to give her… now i am only back with him cause of my unborn child.. but he is deploying next year in nov. 08… i can not say i wish him well.. just only whats fair. .. oh did i mention the girl was a striper and ex drug addict and is on probation…. yeah.. from good wife in college to a hoodrat..

  107. Jumpinjack22, thank you. Just remember, what you read here is not representative of the whole of our troops. It is simply a place where those who have experienced cheating can support each other. Good luck on the deployment. Drop by and update us from time to time.

  108. I love this “blog!” I have a dh deploying soon and this has been great insight to say the least! Thank you all for sharing from the heart…

  109. It would still very helpful to have a support system in place during deployments.

  110. You are right, there is not enough….As married people, we need to find a way to make our marriages SUPERSTRONG before they have to leave.

  111. I never dreamed when I first wrote this post it would start to take on a following all its own. It just goes to show that in this area, at least, there is inadequate help and support available for our military spouses and significant others.

  112. I agree 🙂 I really think that the care packages idea was a good one too. A little extra love from home 🙂

  113. That’s what I meant to. I just read it wrong. I agree, she shouldn’t just look for it without a reason. She seems young and insecure since it’s a new marriage. That’s why I told her to just send letters, post cards, care packages, etc., and not worry about what hasn’t happened. It’s hard not to think about it; but, you got to trust.

  114. no – I really meant how I said it…she is wondering if she should be trusting her husband…I think it’s a good thing to give him the benefit of the doubt….because if she doesn’t trust him, and he is doing nothing wrong…nothing to earn her mistrust, how hurtful could that be to their marriage, you know what I mean? So far, all she has is feelings and some of those could be skewed from personal insecurites…I just think it could be better to try to think the best of your spouse, until given a concrete reason not to,…do you agree?

  115. Mandamagic77 says:
    “Wouldn’t you rather have placed your trust in someone who didn’t deserve it, than not trusted someone who did deserve it?”

    Did you mean to say that or:
    “Wouldn’t you rather have placed your trust in someone who ‘did’ deserve it, than not trusted someone who ‘didn’t’ deserve it?

  116. WONDERINGWIFE, can I please jump in here? As a wife of a deployed soldier I can certainly relate to your fears. We have only been married 2 1/2 years, have an 18 month old son and I am taking care of his 16 year old daughter (so I can REALLY relate to you). I have a lot of fears in my head too, when he doesn’t talk as much. I have had a lot of problems with his daughter too, as she is bi-polar with some violentout bursts, so it can make it stressful. I would tell him what’s going on and he would get angry or frustrated. I would take it personally and we would go around in a vicious argumentative cycle via email or the very short phone calls we do have. I finally got some really good advice from a friend who is a military man (my best friends husband). He told me that sometimes, as a man, you miss your family so much and want to fill your “old” role so much that you are overwhelmed. You still have a sense of duty there, but you almost ache for your famil when you communicate with them. He said, sometimes it is just easier (emotionally) not to communicate. Like and emotional shortcut for them. It’s just easier to be “off” all the time. Men don’t natually transition into emotional states as quickly as women do, so it’s not easy for them to go from “missing you”, to “elated to talk to you”, to “aroused on the phone with you”, to “sad to hang up with you”, to “mad that they can’t be there”, to “helpless” all over again. It’s just easier to be closed off until they can be “on” all the time again. Please don’t give up on your man. I am not. Mine is still there. I still wrestle with doubts and my own insecurites. “Am I enough to inspire him to be faithful?” I wonder. “Does my new body after having my son make him want me less and want one of his thin fellow troops more?” ..I just have to trust him. Funny thing about trust, too…it doesn’t change their character…just like mis-trust doesn’t either…it just makes the waiting a little easier. It’s a choice on your part. We as wives at home also have to worry less about our partner and worry more about making sure we don’t cheat. Do you remember what we learned in grade school? Don’t worry about what others are doing around you, just concentrate on your work? Well, I have to remind myself too….make sure I stay just as committed to my husband. When I am missing him, his affection and just a great friend to talk to, I need to find a GIRL friend to take his place,..not another man who is a friend. DANGEROUS GROUND. Please don’t think I am preaching to you, girl…I am talking to me the whole time too!!! We spouses really need to stick together!! Please just don’t give up on him. Wouldn’t you rather have placed your trust in someone who didn’t deserve it, than not trusted someone who did deserve it?

    Peace be with you, honey. Really.

  117. Bravo to “Currently”! Very well spoken. Hit the nail right on the head. Since is has been a long time since I was in that situation, you brought back to memory the same feelings I was feeling at the time. I hope you are doing well in your recovery of dealing with your own issues. Have a great mindset and have strength. I did forget to add in my post that I did not like Iso’s comment about “harsh comments are far worse than being in combat”. It is apparent that either she has really never discussed his “day” everyday with him or she is talking about her own feelings and using that to describe how she feels. I am in the process of dealing with an injured soldier, my man who has PTSD and it is far from harsh words that he is dealing with or worrying about someone being critical of him. Know your facts before making a comment such as that. I may be a bit touchy on that subject at present. So I apologise if I am being too harsh.

  118. I just wanted to add to what ‘Foreveryoursalways’ and ‘Just my two cents’ have said, which is both spot on. What I wanted to say was, you think that having only an “emotional affair” is not hurting anyone because it is not physical. You have that ALL wrong. At least in my mind an emotional affair is far more devestating than a physical one. It is much easier to justify (which one shouldn’t do but..) why your husband has chosen to sleep with someone else, but to have your life discussed intimately with another woman and exchange things that should not be exchanged by anyone but the married couple is far worse. Sex is more of a carnal urge, but sharing your feelings, hopes and fears is something that is truly personal. I’m not saying it is okay to sleep with someone else, but one I am trying to convey is that it is insane to believe that because you are not sleeping with him, it is not a problem. The wife probably does know something is going on, whether she chooses to pursue the truth is another matter, not everyone wants to know the truth in an effort to perserve their sanity and their marriage (not healthy but it happens). You are committing a far greater crime by taking his attentions away from his wife who needs him as much as he needs her. She is alone with their children and spending all of her time wondering if he is okay and missing him. You take precious moments, precious conversations and precious emotional connections from their marriage. A deficiency in emotions can be much more detrimental to a marriage than any infidelity can. Walk away from this before it gets worse, for both you and him. Focus on your life and beware of karma, it exists and I am dealing with it now.

  119. ok. I have to post again on this one. Having been cheated on in my previous marriage both physically as well as emotionally. Two seperate instances. His physical one night stand, so he says, I came to grips with and forgave him. He then after we had gone through therapy I discover he had been having an ’emotional” relationship with another woman. I found on his laptop chats, emails, photo’s and phonecalls he had with her. After reading through some of this correspondance, of him and her discussing our personal business I was more than a little irate. That is total betrayal, I am sorry to say. I did what any woman would do, called him on it. I got the she understands me and what i am going through. Now keep in mind as I read through his ramblings to her, he was telling her one side of the story HIS. The lies he told her were, well, I actually gave him credit for some it, very creative. He said I was too independant, too strong, not needy enough. I thought, what in the hell have I been doing all these years to deserve that answer. I had been there through his schooling, raising our daughter, struggles through his drinking problem, kept him interested sexually, that seems to be a huge deal in this post. I went to therapy again only this time it did not work as I could not forgive him for betraying our trust with a stranger. We have been divorced for three years now. So Isa, please understand, he is using you and you him for whatever gratification you both desire right now. You say he is trying to find out what it is he is missing. Tell him what my ex told me a few months back. What the hell was I thinking letting you go? I gave him the same classic answer as he gave me. I don’t know, but added that I was better off and happier. Your guy can post here all he likes but he still remains married with children, his job aside. Believe me I know all about stress in combat. I have a man, who was struck by an IED in Aug, some may know of my post and blog. He is still in hospital with a very long road ahead of us. I would never think of turning my back on him then while he was away nor now. So I am sure your friend’s wife is doing the exact same thing. Seriously Isa, you deserve someone who WILL be there for YOU emotionally and physically, he is not it, trust me. We are all not trying to be critical, merely trying to help because we all care.

  120. Isa, you really are rationalizing your behavior because it seems pretty apparent to me that you are holding out for him. I’m really sorry for you that you don’t think more of yourself to find someone who is completely available to you in every way. This man, is not.

    He is not a “great man, husband and father” if he is accepting your nude photos and engaging in an emotional affair. A great man would end contact with you and tell you to find someone who can be fully available to you. A great man would want what is best for you no matter how much it hurt him end it. A great man would work whatever issues he has with his wife out, without any interference of a third party (which you are). Do you ever think you might actually be confusing him rather than helping his see the light? You’ve got your foot in the door and are slowing cracking it wider open (e.g., the photos). What happens to you emotionally when he decides not to choose you–and I suspect that you think it is a possibility that he will want you. How are you going to feel when he won’t return communication? Don’t always be so certain you know someone as well as you think (and that’s what concerns me about those photos–sorry if you see it as criticism).

    Those of us trying to give you advice are not trying get “personal”…I think there is genuine concern for your well-being and that of the wife. We’ve been through some of these situations. Having been cheated on myself while my fiancee was in combat, I can tell you, you know that something is up with your man–the change in the voice, the amount of communication, sudden excuses, fewer letters…please give his wife some credit and respect. And do the same for yourself. You came to this blog for a reason, so I suspect you’re questioning yourself, Isa.

    As I read through your post, the contradictions in your language really stand out as does the need to assure us that there really is nothing going on because he’s just a “friend.” Go back through you post and read what you’ve read. It’s telling. You’re trying to convince us.

    I have to say that I wouldn’t want to hear your friend’s opinion, nor would I think it would be appropriate for a married soldier in combat to post his thoughts about an emotional affair on a blog to discuss cheating military spouses. Maybe I misunderstood what you wrote, but I can’t imagine that someone who is cheating-emotionally or physically–is going to take the time to tell us why it’s okay.

    Take care of yourself, Isa.

  121. O.K I read all of your opinions, and believe me from this end I respect and understand where you are coming from. Maybe, because you guys don’t know everything you are only responding with the few information that you have been given. I do want to make emphasis that this Soldier is a great man, husband and father, and a little more than a friend to me. I can not say that he is my lover, because we have not have any physical contact, but with the situation that we are both going through our “in as need basis” relationship works. It helps relieve stress levels, and we are not doing anything wrong, because we are not hurting anyone’s feelings. His wife will not find out, and he is not going to be physically cheating on her with me. I know that he will be going back to her, and I have already made a choice Not to meet with him upon his arrival and prior to being with his wife. It is her like you said who has been waiting for him and she deserves to be with him…no doubt about it. It’s going to be the way that is best for all of us. I do care for him and care about him coming safe and sound, and want him to be with his loved ones. If he decides to have space for me thereafter, is his choice, because I am going to be there for him. That does not mean that I am going to be stock on him and not living my life, but somethings just cannot be explained with words. He is not a looser, and he is not a user. In fact he has always been truthful, but I will write him and ask him to give his personal opinion to you guys, so that you can hear it from him. I can’t believe you guys even said that he could be posting this pictures in the Internet, O.K showing them to a buddy seems more real, but going to the extent to put them in the Internet…I don’t think so. You guys say we need counseling, well maybe our way serves as therapy to each other. Some people sometimes need closure, other times people decide to try something in order to be sure of their feelings, who knows if this virtual relationship has made him realize that he truly loves his wife, either or he is a person who is free to make his choices and his own desicions…why would he have to answer to anyone if no harm is being done…you talk about possesivness, but he should not be owned by anyone, yes I said he is my guy, well if it sounds better He is my friend…Do you guys like that better? Maybe he is just trying to figure out what he is missing from his life like you guys mentioned…He is allowed to! You guys say that people just care about immediate satisfation, Alright, so what’s wrong with some immediate satisfaction. One point for you guys..I am not breaking anyone’s marriage, it takes two and even three to do that…So let’s not get paranoid, obviously we are trying to find out or figure out about cheating military spouses, and if he decides to write his own opinion, I hope that you guys respect his thoughts and his individuality. Believe me harsh words are worst than being in a combat zone.
    Being over critical is worst, because no one is perfect, so let’s get to the bottom of this with out taking it personal.

  122. Not sure what sesso is going on about but I think it is SPAM.

  123. Devildog, I agree with your comments (pertaining to Isa).

    Isa, I don’t think you nor the man your “involved” with realize the magnitude of your actions. I think it’s sad that this man has continued to carry on a “virtual” intimate relationship with you and continues to live a double-life with you and his family.

    Since he is clearly still commited to staying with his family, I think that you have been mislead to think that you mean more to him than you think.

    Being “the wife” who was at first heartbroken of my husband’s affair, I immediately thought he was a so and so for caring out his actions and not thinking about our family.

    However, just because we are adults doesn’t mean we always make the right decisions. Sometimes, people are hurt so many times they go into an “all about me” attitude, not caring about the consequences until they are faced with it. You have to take into account their background and their true mental state.

    Obviously, what he is doing is wrong, so why does he do it? And if he’s carried on this type of relationship with you and sees nothing wrong with it, then how many more “Isa’s” has he mentally strung along?

    Isa, I really think you do need counseling. You say that your relationship with that married man isn’t physical and obviously it has been a very long mentally intimate relationship. You didn’t mention that you had any significant others over that time span. Have you really invested that much time in someone who is commited to someone else?

    You should want to have a meaningful and equally loving relationship to someone who is commited to you. I think this man has used you as an “emotional back-up” to lift himself up when HE needed it instead of working on his own faults and learning how to handle his problems and solve them the right way.

    I don’t think there is a benifit to being the “other woman”. I think that anyone faced with potentially being the “other woman” should first realize that:

    #1. The potential cheater has problems with communicating and commitment. If they didn’t then they would have broken off the commited relationship instead of sneaking around with someone else.

    #2. The potential cheater just doesn’t care. Some people don’t think they have anything to lose. Whether it’s family or their life. Some people just care about immediate satisfaction, putting a side the high rates of STD’s and HIV/AIDs in our country.

    #3. Last but certainly not the least. The potential cheater, DOESN’T care about you. If they DID care about you they would be willing to fully commit to you. With that said, I mean they CAN’T care about you because they don’t fully care about themselves.

    They are living an unfulfilled life. Until they find out what it is that is missing from their life than they will continue to be unrealiable, and continue to go in the same cycle.

    That is why counseling is important. We go to figure out what we can’t see. We can’t solve our problems if we don’t know exactly what the prolem is.

    *( A note about the wives who “don’t” send pictures.)

    Be careful, Isa. Some guys will just tell you what you want to hear so they can get what they want. There are wives, (me included) who sent the sexy photos and whatever. But sometimes when kids are involved priorities take over. It’s not that the wife doesn’t care.

    But it’s important for both the husband and the wife to be honest with one another and speak up about what they need and NOT go outside the marital relationshop and break their vows.

    Think about it, if someone went to the extent to break their marriage vows then how can you expect them to be commited to someone that they virtually have no commitment to?

    You have to be careful with the “my guy”. My is a “possesive” word. If he was “your guy” I think you would be more than just an “internet friend”. You say you could take it further “if you wanted to” but seriously it’s been more than seven years so this guy obviously likes the fact that “your relationship” exists on an “as needed” basis and nothing more.

    Don’t be fooled, and don’t expect anymore than you’ve already got. A cheater that continues to cheat, keeps doing it with the intention not to stop. Don’t let him have anymore of your precious time, focus it on things that can better yourself and YOUR life.

  124. OK, guys I hear you about the forum. New folks who want to can go there. You guys who want to stay here. That is OK too. After all, this is for you guys, not me.

    Now, the cheating louse who has to hold on to his side life, he doesn’t deserve either of these women. When I was in the military, I saw guys and gals like him. Not often, but they were there. These people are emotional cripples as far as I am concerned. I do not feel sorry for them as they make the choice to do what they are doing.

    I do feel sorry for his wife, kids, and even his side “friend.” I do agree she has made her choice to continue their relationship as it is now. She loved him first. He took another. Now, she is allowing her self to be used.

    Isa, I don’t mean to offend you. But, you need to see a counselor to find out why you can’t let him go. You deserve to get on with your life in a meaningful relationship where both are having their needs met. Frankly, my personal opinion is this guy is a pathetic loser. That may sound blunt. However, having been in a similar situation, Both women suffer here. He reaps the benefits of wife and family and a little “strange” on the side!

  125. Maybe Iso should also read Matthews post awhile back. Or check around a few sites and blogs of what really goes on over there. Seems more like a fantasy world to her at best. And lets not forget he also should know better as well. More of that wanting to see if the grass is greener on the other side syndrome. Not knowing the people involved and any personal issues they may have might not be a good idea to sling mud too much. But this is my opinion, if there are problems that cannot be rectified in your marriage, end what you do have FIRST before bringing someone else into the picture. And a little side note, trust me his wife probably knows all about you. If she doesn’t now she will figure it out soon enough especially when he comes home and sees and feels changes in his behaviour. And since you are connected “emotionally only” has it ever occurred to you or cross your mind that he could be lying to you as well? Certainly you must have some seeds of doubt that have been planted. How DO you feel when he is home, spending time with his family, hanging out with friends and making love to HIS WIFE? Should feel like Reneeleigh says a “Third Wheel”.

  126. iso, all I can say is I hope you don’t decide to see him before he meets up with his wife. She has been the one waiting for him, the one taking care of their children, the one on the other side enduring this deployment and she truely wouldn’t deserve it. It was bad enough that you sent him nude pics of yourself just tempting him further. It doesn’t matter if she sends him any or not, I don’t think it is your place to do it for him. If you were on the other side and you were his wife think how you would feel if your husband was receiving nude pics from another woman, keeping up a relationship with him and making plans to meet up before coming home to you, all behind your back. You are a third wheel in this situation and if you choose to push it further and it breaks up their home, you have to remember that you were half responsible for doing that to his wife and his children. It’s not fair to them what’s going on. Just please stop and think things through and think about every person involved before continuing what you’ve been doing.

  127. Isa, if you had any self-respect and respect for another’s man wife and children, you’d stop your nonsense immediately. You’re rationalizng why you think your behavior is appropriate.

    He IS cheating with you emotionally…and if there are nude pictures involved, then I say physically as well. How is it that sending nude photos of yourself to a married man is appropriate simply because he is in a war zone? What are the photos supposed to do for a man whose wife is back home, who doesn’t have the privacy to please himself, and knows that hooking up is (should be) against policy? Aren’t you actually making it worse? Hope you know him well enough to know that he’s not sharing his photos of you to his buddies or posting them on the Internet.

    And, what exactly are you “connected” to when he’s miles away and MARRIED (and has kids)? You’re an adult…don’t YOU know right from wrong?

  128. I agree that stereotyping to include ALL deployed soldier cheat is not right. But you are doing the same thing by saying that all wives do is bitch, nag and complain. Trust me, there are other things to worry about besides whether or not he or she is dinking around while deployed, like perhaps maybe coming home alive. I am sure there are plenty of wives/girlfriends out there that keep their guy/gal happy with emails, nude photos, etc, that you talk about, I know I did. What maybe you are saying is just what you have heard from the guy you are corresponding with and his wife, but it isn’t the same for the rest of us. I know my guy wasn’t cheating instead he is laid up in a hospital bed wondering what the hell happened. You go through many emotions when far from the one you love. And the thought of them cheating always enters the picture, you would rather lose him or her to someone than suffer the ultimate loss. I have also seen it happen the other way around too. Men and women come home and discover their wives or husbands had or are cheating and some have simply just left. Simple thing is you have to work at the relationship, it is a 24/7, 365 day job. That’s my 2 cents.

  129. I was involved with this guy when I was in the military service myself back in 1999 for almost a year. He is in Afghanistan right now and has been married since 2000. We have kept a long distance relationship since. His wife does not know that we still communicate or even send e-mails, and pictures to each other. I have his addreess overseas and know where he is stationed withhin the U.S. as well. I care for him a lot. I feel that he needs me to be there for him, specially during this deployment. He loves his wife..I think, and of course his children, During this deployment him and I are connected to each other more than ever. An individual that chooses to cheat or to be unfaithful knows and chooses who to do it with. Is not because of the circumstances and/or loneliness, or even survival; In fact he says that he would like to meet with me for a few days upon arrival to the U.S, Before going home to reunite with his wife. I will not meet with him even though IT IS TEMPTING, simply because I like the relationship that we have kept over seven years on and off(with out any physical contact). I know that we are connected and could be together if I wanted to, But the stigma regarding the different reasons of why soldiers cheat on their spouses while deployed is not the most appropiate. I do not agree with this sterotype. I do agree that there are higher stress levels, and the need to have physical contact “sexually” speaking, because, of the STAMINA building up and hormones elevated at different PH Levels, and even the fact that they might not have enough privacy to have an orgasm simply by masturbating, But to say that everyone that is deployed is cheating left and right is just wrong.Remenber that they are adults and know right from wrong. They need to be alert in order to do their jobs, also, they need to sleep, eat, shower, and of course need to socialize with one another while deployed, but that does not mean that they have all the time in the world to cheat. My guy and I e-mail each other often, and I bet he also e-mails and calls his family and friends, so he chooses how to spend his free time, and believe me, I sent him nude pictures of me, and he liked them, but you wives back home should be doing that as well for your deployed husbands, instead of crying and worrying that they are cheating on you. You wives don’t do it, because of the crazy idea of “he is going to get horny and will want to have sex with somebody outthere” well, if you did it your husbands would probably be thinking about you ladies all day long, would want to e-mail you and talk to you more often, and maybe thinking “my wife looks so good, I can’t wait to be with her”. Is up to you. And to you too Male friends Send those naked, Sexy Pictures to your woman that are deployed. Open up and tell them that you love them, that you miss them, that you can’t wait to have hot passionate sex with them, that there is no other, but them…Just don’t nagg or cry. or bitch, or be all insecured, because if that is all that you are doing He or she will rather talk to someone else.

  130. Devildog, I like it this way a bit better, just because I’ve gotten use to just clicking on the link and it brings it right up. But either way is good whatever you decide. =)

  131. I am so pleased to see people reaching out here to help each other. This is a very touchy area, so, be a little more careful with comments. Remember truth sometimes has to be gained slowly. But you have all been wonderful. I salute you all.

    NOW, HOW CAN i GET TIS MOVED TO THE FORUM? Or do you all prefer the blog format here on this issue. I set up the forum because I thought it would be a better and easier way for people. Please give me your thoughts.

    It is obvious there is a need for something like this blog post or a forum. I am so glad people are finding support that they need here. When I wrote the original post, I never in my wildest imaginings expected it to take on the roll it has.

    So you guys tell me, what do you want, to continue using this as a forum or a dedicated forum? I am for whatever helps you all .

  132. no he doesnt view porn. i check the computer i know all his passwords and such. ive seen nothing that proves he’d do such a thing. we are in this together the counseling. the counselor just asked me to do it to see if their stories changed. we are still continuing to go to see where this will lead to i guess bc this marriage is very important. im not sayin its ok but people are only human and we all make mistakes. if he doesnt wanna admit its something he will deal with for the rest of his life.

  133. I was giving her something to look into and ask her counselor about.
    And viewing porn does most certainly does have to do with sexual addiction especially if it’s excessive and the person eventually is compelled to act out their fantasies.
    She is saying that he’s being evasive and I’m telling her to look into everything and ask.
    There is no need to be brash.

  134. And to what2do, you shouldn’t just accept your husbands behavior. Of course relationships aren’t perfect, but this is going beyond hurting you, this is breaking a bond and trust that you two had vowed to keep. The fact that he still won’t admit it is an issue. You can’t forgive something if he doesn’t acknowledge the wrong-doing and it would be ignorant to just go on pretending that everything is fine, when you know that it is not. I am not trying to feed your insecurities, I just want you to be real with yourself. Pretending that your relationship is stable is not healthy and more than likely will someday come back to bite you in the rear. This type of behavior is rarely singular in occurence, especially if he won’t talk about it. The only way that one could forgive and move on would be proving that he in fact is telling the truth, but is that possible? More than likely things have happened and will again happen unless he is truely sorry, but how can he be when he isn’t being honest.

  135. Just a note to “lost but finding my way”, but viewing pornography is quite normal and has nothing to do with having a sexual addiction.

  136. what to do,

    I agree that you need to forgive both your husband as well as yourself to move on.
    If I’m hearing you correctly though what it sounds like you are saying is you need closure from him so you can forgive him.
    I thought you said you we getting counselling. Are you doing this together? I’m afraid I don’t understand why you are being told to talk to the other women. You need to be working this out with your husband and you don’t need to be bringing them into it.
    I’m curious and I don’t want to offend you, but does your husband view porn too? The reason I’m asking is because if he does you may want to ask your counselor to talk to you about sexual addiction. You could do a google search and what you find may help you.

  137. i just dont understand why he can’t just spill it out, he doenst have to tell me details just admit to what he did and then we can work on our marriage together. i met someone with great words of wisdom and she told me that i do have a lot of negativity in me and its only driving me crazy inside. yes i am so hurt and angry that i just bring this up all the time. i need to learn how to forgive. i need to accept that it happened and move on. quit dwelling and looking. i guess when u love someone so much u think they would do nothing to hurt you and thats what makes it so hard.

  138. Dear what2do,

    Your husband may love you very much, but that doesn’t mean he has been faithful. You said he had never settled down before you and maybe this is what he views as ‘settling’. Hopefully he is telling the truth, but I find instincts to usually be true and to try to ignore that is just asking for further heartache. You have to make a decision as to whether you want to choose your relationship or pursuit of the truth. If your husband was going to tell you he was unfaithful, he would have by now and even if he did eventually confess, could you really ever trust him again, especially knowing it has happened more than once?? I am not saying give-up on your marriage; I know what its like to love and hurt at the same time, but don’t pretend everything is okay or belittle your instincts due to your husbands (probable) dishonesty; it will only come back to haunt you later. It is sad that you have kids and that furthers the complications, but be frank with yourself as to what kind of life you want to live and who exactly you want to live it with. Can you deal with the possibility of infidelities in the future? If he has done it more than once already, especially after the birth of your child, do you really think he will just stop? I feel for you and what you are going through. Don’t feel guilty about not trusting him, make him prove his trust, not you having to prove your devotion to him by ignoring the truth.

  139. thank you for your thoughts, it is a very hard situation and i feel like i cant live like this. it is up to him whether or not to confess or live like this anymore. he truly loves us and his kids. he shows it so much. if he never wants to come clean bc of he’s scared of a loss he’s just going to be the one to live with the guilt for the rest of his life. i know there are a few changes i need to make within myself to become a better person. i do need to stop thinkin about the past and quit looking for stuff. i would like to do whats best for my family since we do have a wonderful family of our own that we have grown together. all i want to do is just trust. i want to forgive and move on, the past is the past and if it did happen i can’t change it. we can just learn from the situation and move on.

  140. What2do, you’re in a hard situation. I know you want to be able to trust what your husband says. There’s a couple things that raises questions though. First of all, you found the number of the girl on your own and a girl came to you on MySpace. They say people with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Even the girls’ mom said your husband was seeing her. The other thing is, those girls don’t have as much to lose by telling you this, your husband has everything to lose. (you and the children) So it might even mean lieing to try to keep you. Sometimes there can be nasty girls that try to just ruin a good thing someone has. I don’t want to accuse your husband of lieing though in case he really is innocent, it just seems that there are some suspicions in the story. It’s good that you’re talking to a counselor. You said you just want the truth so you can forgive and work through it. SO, I think one way that might work to get your husband to open up about the truth if in fact he is lieing, is to let him know that you are willing to forgive him, but he needs to get it out in the open so you both can deal with it and try to start repairing the damage to the marriage. Good luck to you. I hope you find the answers you’re looking for. =)

  141. new

    just wanted thoughts on my situation, here goes:
    ive been married for 3 yrs going on 4 to a man in the military. i know he totally loves me, well i see that very much. he tells me, shows me but deployments have been problems. 6mths after we got married i found out about a girl through our phone bill bc i was curious about another numbers that were on the phone bill. i contacted one person and said they knew my husband and the girl they know was dating him. i called at a better time and actually contacted the girl and she told me how old she was and she said she wasnt seeing him but just seeing his friend. i felt better about it but a couple days later i got a call from her crying sayin that she was with him the whole time but never slept with him, never knew he was married, etc. she felt i needed to know bc i was a good person. she said he never wore his wedding ring. when he got home i made them talk and even her mother got involved and said it was him that was seeing her and not his friend. i was so confused. he still denies it all. i actually went out to where he was deployed for a week bc i was on spring break. he says that she knew he was married, she was with his friend, his friend always used his phone, and he would never date anyone young and never has.
    the second scenario was a yr ago, after we had a beautiful girl and i was pregnant again. a girl found me on myspace and said that she was with my husband and she felt really bad and thought i needed to know about it. when i saw her pic i never thought he’d even look twice at a girl like that and whatever. it threw me off the wall bc i thought after a family things would be better. tried to work through that but it still eats me up inside. again he denied it all and had a different story from her.
    we are going to counseling right now and the counselor suggested i go and look these girls up and contact them again and see what their stories are. if they are really lyin then there stories would change and they really didnt. my husband still denies it all. on deployments when we fight he always tries to call me with a million phone calls. he calls me everyday. we stay on th ephone forever but all these things the girls say it makes sense. i know my husband loves me and my family. i am confused and hurt. those girls did contact me and it just hurts all over again. who’s lying?? my husband said im so different from anyone he’s ever dated. he’s never settled before until me. he said why would he do something stupid like this to ruin what good marriage he has. when i use to hang out with his friends they would say how lucky our marriage is and they say he loves me so much. he does show it. if i he lying i would like him to tell me so i can forgive and work through this but its deny, deny, deny!! what ‘s right or wrong??

  142. Lost but finding my way, you have given excellent advice. I M GOING TO POST YOUR INFO ON MY BLOG AND THE SUPPORT FORUM. Thanks again.

  143. Struggling,
    I agree that you need to make sure that you have all the predeployment things taken care of so that your child is protected. You also need to make sure that you have all the contact numbers and names for rear detachment. They are going to be your link to your wife and they will help you with any militarty issues that may come up during the deployment.

    The chaplain will be very helpful with your understanding of the stages of deployment for both you and your wife. The chaplain will also be great link to the military agencies and programs in your area.
    I would also suggest that you check out a web site
    It may help you understand and prepare for the deployment.
    It would also be a good idea to check out the web site
    and keep their number handy 1-800-342-9647
    This is a 24/7 hotline and they will answer any and I mean any question you might have now and after your wife deploys.

    Nobody can tell you what to do about your marriage. You are the only one who can answer that. I wish you the best and whatever happens I hope you do know you are not alone.

  144. Struggling,You have a child who is the most important person in all of this right now. As a being totally dependent, his welfare and needs come before all others.

    When parents are stressed, kids pick up on it. They miss “nothing!” I cannot tell you what you want to hear. What I can say is this, having been where you are with children, I finally began to realize, my children had to come first. Ask yourself this, “Is your child better off with things as they are now? This question isn’t about which of you loves the child more. It is about having the strength, especially when your gut is all in a knot, to do the best thing for your child! It also isn’t about whether or not the child loves you both.

    Before your wife goes to Iraq, make damn sure she has done what she needs to do to look out for her child on her end of things. Don’t wait until the last moment. Do it now. I suggest you go to the Chaplain for her unit and ask for help here with regards to your child. It takes time to do all that is necessary before deployment. After you have made sure the child is properly protected, then, and only then, do what your heart says is best for you now as that child’s responsible parent.

    I would involve the Chaplin and your counselor in this decision. I would also involve your wife. However, I would personally recommend that when you go about your child, you go alone before she has a chance to say she’ll take care of things. With what is going on with her, it may not get done before deployment if you rely on her.You have this right as her spouse to make sure through the Chaplain and her CO that the child is properly cared for.

    Then, as I said before, you two can deal with your issues. Based on your posts, all I can or will say about your marriage is this. You must decide how best to retain your own dignity and self respect while deciding about you marriage. Once either side in a marriage gives that up, the marriage is doomed anyway. Sometimes . as hard as it is to do so, you must let someone you love go. If they love you they “will come back if it was meant to be!” No matter what you decide about the marriage, make sure your child is protected and that you look out for your own self respect and dignity. I closing, let me say I have been where you are now. After nine years I had to stop thinking about what I wanted and what was best for my kids. In my case, I almost lost them because I waited to long to do what was right for them!

    Once your wife is deployed, you will probably never get her to do what she should do now for her child. There are insurance issues for the child, medical care for the child, dental, down the road college. In this regard, make sure when you talk to the Chaplain, you let him know you are worried about the child’s rights here as you don’t know how things will turn out for you two.

    If you two call it quits, you will have an uphill battle once she deploys. However, do not use your child as a battle ground between you two. Just take care of the responsibilities she has with regards to the child.

  145. Now I find out that she made out with another girl while she was over there, and drunk. She says it was all in fun, but I have to ask, if she really respected our marriage, would she have done such a thing??? Am I wrong in wanting to stick it out, should I just call it quits?

  146. Well, she got back on Sunday. Naturally there is some amount of distance, she doesn’t feel as though she’s back home so to speak. We had a talk today, and she expressed that she’s wanting to go full time Military, and doesn’t feel as though that she wants to be married anymore. She just got back from her 45 day deployment, and she feels as though being in the military will allow her to go and see the world. She said that she somewhat regrets being married so early, and feels that she should have waited until she was out to be in a committed relationship. She doesn’t believe there is enough space for our marriage and being full time military. I’m honestly not sure what to do. She knows she loves me, but she’s not sure if she’s in love with me anymore. The only thing keeping her to me in any way is that we have a son together; had it not been for that, she would have ended things while she was away. I know there is nothing I can do, but I’m forcing myself to stick it out. I want to cut and run, but I love her so much. I feel as though I’ve already lost her.

    • we are on the same situation… and its not good for ur kid.. seriously that is what realy worries me a lot…. that mi ” wife ” just care about herserlf… and have fun… read mine … YOEL

  147. Lost but finding my way thank you for posting that information for others. When you get a chance post this info on the new forum. I have a link in my right side bar at the top.

  148. I just wanted to suggest that anyone who is struggling with this type of crisis in their marriage or relationship to go get a book called “Love Must Be Tough” by James Dobson.
    It has helped me so much to regain my self-respect.
    My husband is about to return from Iraq and I have no idea what is going to happen. We have been married for a long time and have 2 children. I was willing to take all his emotional abuse he was giving me all the while smiling and trying to stay positive because it is what I thought was best for my family. All the while I was slowly loosing who I was and started to believe that I was responsible for what he did and worthless. I am by no means better, but I’m getting there. I still hope to save my marriage if I can, but this time it will be on my terms and I won’t allow my husband to disrespect me like that again.
    I hope that someone might find the book as helpful as I have.

  149. Formely hurting all over, you have brought up an excellent point.

  150. Lostin Translation. I know aour experiences are very diffrent but durring my soul searching one thing I kept comming across was if I loved him or was in love with him. I love my friends and my cats, but i’m not in love with them and I really realized that I loved Anthony and what we once had but I was not in love with him for what we no longer had, does that make sense? I still love him and probably will for a long time.

  151. Don’t confuse love with want and need. Love must be nurtured to grow. If left un-nutured, it dies and leaves behind need and want!

  152. I really don’t think he’ll change either. He is SOOO good at what he does too. It is sometimes hard to believe he is doing it because of the way he talks and acts; like last night he was telling me how he couldn’t live without me (we weren’t fighting either it was just a ‘lovey’ conversation.
    I would like to turn him in and I may do so, but at this moment it would not benefit me, in fact it would probably end up hurting me far more than him because we are thousands of miles away from any support structure and he would hate me forever, so I would be stuck with his debt and miserable until I was able to leave here. I essentially want to get any benefits I can out of this messed up situation,since I feel like I am being screwed over completely. My problem is a few things though..One being that I don’t know if I should stay in Germany (thus killing the reassignment) or let us get transfered to our new duty station and see what happens. Two, everyday my mental health is worse because I am living two lives, the one everyone, including my husband believes and then the reality of knowing that our relationship seems to be a complete sham. Three, if I do turn him in, it seems I am playing the same dirty game he is. I don’t want him to hate me, I want him to realize when I hand him the divorce papers out of no where complete with every shred of red-hot evidence I have, that I have known and he f@#%ed up big time and I have done nothing wrong. But is taking the high road worth it? Not to mention, despite being as angry and hurt as I am, I do love him and I don’t how I am going to broach this whole subject. I just can’t believe this is happening to me.

  153. I am at a loss to add anything. Formerly hurting all overs’ idea has merit. However, I think it will only protect others. I don’t think people whop cheat like this want to change. They don’t generally seem to feel a need to do so!

  154. Lost in Translation.
    I really think you should turn him in to his C O. If these cheaters are held accountable for once in their lives I truely believe they would think twice about cheating. Had my ex and I been married I would not hessitate for one minute to turn him in.

  155. So here is my story…I have been married for almost 2 years to my best friend whom I have known for almost 10 years. We have a crazy history, but I have been madly in love with him for almost the entire time I have known him. We click in a way that is different, he is the only one I feel content to be with and I feel lost without him. Unfortunately it looks like love is blind and I will someday be a divorcee. I grilled my husband hard when he asked me to marry him (he was in bootcamp at the time) and when he came home for exodus it seemed the right thing to do. I thought that he had grown up because of the military and life in general. See, he has a horrible track record of fidelity, which is part of the reason we were just friends for the majority of our knowing each other. I was guilty of being the ‘other woman’ on more than one occasion when he was in other relationships, but I always justified it as ‘I had him first’, which of course is absolutely absurd and I was an idiot and love-blind at the same time. So anyways, we get married and all seems well for the most part. Looking back, there were little signs, but we were both being discreet about our marriage because we had spent years swearing to everyone that we were just friends. Then a year ago things fell apart. A week before he left for Iraq we got in a fight he left with some friends and didnt come back until the next day. The day after that I checked our bank account and there were two $900 charges from whatever escapade he went on. I confronted him about it and he said that he was drunk and the bar took advantage of him, I tried to make him go back to the bar, but he wouldnt. We did dispute the charges to the bank but ended up losing because the bar had ample proof that he had agreed to the charges. He still swears that it was nothing, but I dont think so. We live in Germany and I am sure he paid for some ‘services’ for his friend and himself, but I have never broughten myself to go to the bar to find out for sure. So anyways, right after that I was curious as to what else was going on and used his computer to get into his email. In there I find suggestive emails from a ‘friend’ of his and it is obvious they have slept together but I dont know if it was while we were married or before, I am pretty sure it was while we were married, but I dont have definitive proof. Soo, he goes to Iraq and he is only there for 2 months because the unit he was assigned to had already been there for 10 months. During that time, his relationship with this girl seems questionable. She is leaving all sorts of ‘lovey’ and suggestive message on his myspace account and occasionally I intercept an email that he is lying in about the status of our relationship. He told the girl that we only got married so that I could come to germany and go to school, which I am doing but that is not why we got married and it is definately not a platonic relationship. He acted to me as if everything is fine, while telling this girl that he isn’t really in a relationship and that he should have married her etc. But I can’t tell him I know these things because I am not suppose to be seeing his email. Luckly the girl is leaving more and more provocative messages in public on his myspace account. Finally I confront her saying “please stop, we are having enough problems as it is, don;t make things worse.” She flips out, but in the end I win, or at least I thought so. He ends up ditching her as a friend on MySpace and it seemed that was the end. I lost the ability to check his email but wasnt worried because it seemed things were okay. Then a few months ago or so, she resurfaced and has been visibly back in his life. I wasn’t too worried, I don’t know why, but I trusted him that they were just friends and that we had a good strong relationship, because that is what it felt like. I have been soooo wrong!! She began leaving crazy messages on his account again and I found a way into his myspace account, however he cleans everything so it is hard to find any evidence, but occasionally I would find tidbits of conversations that did not seem appropriate. I began to suspect that when we were homeon leave in June/July that he spent the week we were apart with her. Well tonight I just confirmed that. Two weeks ago I bought this great software that records everything he does on his computer so that I can see whats going on and gain access to his accounts. I have since found that he is in fact been having an affair with this girl both over the internet and in person when my husband has been home. The worst is yet to come…I love my husband very much; I am another sucker who thought that it was true love and we would be together forever. I didn’t want him to have to go back to Iraq because just the 2 months he was there messed him up pretty bad (emotionally), he had to be put on medication and seek counseling and those are 2 things he would never have done in the past. I have had an ongoing battle with a pituitary tumor, it is benign, but hormone secreting and keeps growing back, even after two surgeries. We devised that this might be a way to get a compassionate reassignment back to the states near our home and friends, as well as put him in a non-deployable unit because of my ‘condition’. I really wanted to just stay here in Germany because I love it here and I thought he could just work on rear-D but he said that would be the death of him, so I finally conceded and said fine because I do miss my friends and family. We are still awaiting the verdict for the reassignment and my husband believes that it will come through. Whenever I ask him about it he always says things like, “there is no way it won’t happen.” I was already nervous about it because we would be near his friends and ‘her’ and I dont get along with his friends because they all are losers and he ends up acting like an idiot. He told me though that he knows that all his friends are losers and he just plans on hanging out with his one army buddy that is there and hopefully make some new friends as well. However in the emails I was reading, he has promised the girl that as soon as we get back he is making himself single and will see what happens with her. I don’t know if he is giving her a line or me, but the only reason I care (there is just far too many lies and deceit to recover from this) is that I possess all of his debt. I was helping him fix his horrible credit and the best way to do that was pay it off using my low interst credit cards. I thought it was a safe bet because he would be in for at least 4 years so there would be time for me to pay off the debts before any financial insecurity reoccurs. We have just over $6000 in debt, all his, not mine, but it is now in my name. If he leaves me or I him, then I will be screwed financially. Also I would like to finish my Masters before having to worry about paying rent again, a selfish thought, but I figure I have to get something out of this mess. So I know that I am going to leave him, if he doesn’t leave me first, but my question is what should I do about the compassionate reassignment? I want to get it stopped so we are stuck here for another 2 years, but I don’t know how to do that without making waves and I don’t want him to know that I know about him because it will be all sorts of drama that I am not ready for. I essentially want to stay here and keep my good job, go to school, pay off his debts and save up some money of my own before throwing divorce papers at him. I can’t talk about this with him until that point because everything I know is from getting information in a very deceitful manner and I know he will turn this around on me, he is very manipulitive and allways claims to be theh victim, no matter what he has done. Anyone any ideas on killing the reassignment quietly?? Also any thoughts or comments in general would be nice. No one knows about this except a confindential counselor I have seen a couple times. I had to tell someone because I couldn’t sleep or function after learning the extent of his infidelity and lies. My friends and co-workers have no idea there is anything wrong. Everyone thinks we are a happy couple. help me please.

  156. Struggling, you are quite a guy. I am sure your wife knows it to. There was so much truth and insight into everything you said. I could almost feel a sigh coming this way when I read your post. You have taken some very big steps. Now, go look in your bathroom mirror and say, Wow, I did this because you did. People can only be helped when they want to be helped.

    I am glad you figured out that you were both trying to deal with too much at one time. One thing at a time whenever possible and one day at a time. You could probably do more than fifteen minutes every now and then as long as you don’t feel too much coming out too fast.

    Another thing that helps is to get some newsprint paper, some oil pastels and draw pictures like you would do if you were a kid. You will find that you will get more technical as you go on of it helps you. As you draw focus on the feeling you want the picture to project, not the mechanical part. Make sure you have plenty reds, black, purple, greens, dark blue, and light blue colors. And very important, black. I draw with black. Then color in everything. Then I take my fingers and blend it all. Red, black, and purple are colors for strong feelings of anger plus those others.

    Just get the cheap “Pentel” brand with about 24 colors to start off with until you find out if this works for you. Remember, try to focus on feelings as you draw. But, don’t make it a have to be perfect, have to do this, have to do that thing. Just draw.

    Colored markers with one big end and one little end are good too. I did simple sketches. Trees, woods, old farm scenes for me. But, you will do your own thing. Most important, keep it fun.

    You’re going to have good days and bad days. On the good days enjoy them. But, don’t get too cocky because the bad days will come again. When they do, don’t beat up on yourself. It’s Ok to wallow a little. You might need it. Just don’t stay there. Tell yourself, it will end and the good days will come again. Without you even noticing it, the good days will be more frequent and last longer and the dad days will be shorter and less frequent.

    Your counselor will guide you. One word of caution. Sometimes well meaning people will make you feel worse. Sometimes families are the worst at this. They are often too close to everything. Situations that make you worse or anxious or advice that doesn’t help, just ignore.

    You are on the right path. Be very proud of yourself [and your wife]. You both “done good!”

  157. Just My Two Cents, thank you for your input. I’ve been doing some soul searching. The counselor really opened up a lot of wounds. Ones that I knew I had, but had just tried to shove off to the side. I also realize that my wife and I were trying to bite off far more than we could chew. We were trying to deal with her current deployment, AND the upcoming Iraq deployment. I had to sit myself down, and think on it. I trust her with my heart, and our marriage. I can honestly say I haven’t had any thoughts of being unfaithful to her, and make it a point to ensure that I never place myself in a position where that is even an option. Just because I’m strong enough to say no, doesn’t mean I need to put the opportunity in my face. I also realized that a large part of the anxiety was her safety.

    I’ve been reading a lot of things online about female soldiers getting raped at night on the way to the latrines. 3 female soldiers died of dehydration due to refusing to drink water late in the day, so they wouldn’t have to go to the restroom at night. Apparently there were incidents of male soldiers skulking around the latrines and showers at night, waiting for the women to come around, and then forcing themselves on them. I realized that she is going over with a few very trustworthy soldiers, who will watch her back. I believe 2-3 of them are female, and they are going to group up whenever they are on post, or making camp, to make sure nothing happens to them. Also, I’ve met the Sgt. leading their unit, and he’s a no nonsense guy, top notch NCO. So honestly, some of the anxiety has abated. These people are going o be family to her, and these are the people that will bring her home safe.

    I admit that my previous reactions were me losing a great deal of my composure. I was trying to handle too much at one time without being prepared for it. The counseling will be a long road, but one that I need to take. When she gets back we’ll begin marriage counseling, to better handle the stresses that will accompany this. Neither she nor I regret marrying one another. In hindsight we got married too soon. But the fact remains that we are married, and we do know one another better than anyone else. I have to force myself to realize that no matter what, I can’t protect her. Even when at home, all I can do is be the best husband for her, and the best father I can be. She understands the responsibility of a marriage and having a child together. I won’t stop her from having her fun, but even then it’s only once in a while that she’ll go out on her own with her friends. She’ll do what she does, but I trust that she won’t do anything to hurt me, or damage the marriage.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m still nervous about her deployment, but infidelity is the least of my concerns. First and foremost is her safety, and the safety of everyone in her unit, so they can all come home to their loved ones. Everything else pales in comparison. Thank you all for reading my rants, and giving your advice. I’ll be taking on a structured physical regiment in the next month or so *Muay Thai for the win!* to help with the stresses of deployment, and being Mr. Mom for a while. As for the writing, I’ve started that, but it’s a challenge not to go over 15 minutes.

    Again, thank you all. I know you’ll be hearing from me again, I’m on the path to being a stronger person, but that mountain is a bit too tall to be conquered overnight.


  158. Slowlycoping, my comments were not meant as a criticism. I mentioned the “arrest” situation because often what we as parents consider not so bad or the kids don’t know, turns out to be just the opposite. I found out through the programs they advised me to go to that they were right, kids always know. Everything! Also, many states now have laws where parental problems can at some point be considered abuse by the parents emotionally for the kids. Both can be arrested and lose their kids temporarily or for good. You guys are going for help. Once you start into a counseling program, you somewhat protect yourself in this area. Your protection lies in “you” going for help before they become involved. As a precaution, ask your counselor if he/she will periodically talk to just the kids to make sure they are handling everything OK.

    One time cheaters can be forgiven in many cases and the marriage can even be better after proper help. But, repeating cheaters do it as much for the “adrenaline high” they get from they things they do to keep from getting caught, etc. as much as anything else. That high can in some cases become addictive for some men and women who cheat.

    Others come from a family history of cheating. Others cheat because they have poor communication skills in a marriage or just fr the “sex” alone. Some men and women are addicted to “sex.”

    But, remember one thing, it is hard for anyone not physically able to see events unfold or for one one one talking, so often suggestions by me or anyone else will tend to cover all the “bases” so you can pick and chose what is best for you. So please know no ill intent was intended.

    With the agreements that you both will get some help to get through this you guys have already taken the biggest and one of the hardest steps toward healing and saving your marriage. I applaud you both.

  159. Devildog, thank you for your advice. I do think that seeking individual counseling is important before my husband returns. However, I think a few of your comments were a little harsh. When you stated we could be arrested because of our relationship, I don’t think it was necessary to go that far.

    I use to work with children. I am well aware that they have a keen sense of picking up on everything happening in their environment. I am and was always aware of my child’s well-being.

    There wasn’t anytime that our son witnessed my husband and I in an arguement. And our arguements were never shouting matches.

    From what I’ve read on infidelity. Many of the “accused” begin feeling extremely guilty and start having unecessary arguments with their wives/husbands because in some way they are looking for the smallest possible reason to validate what they are doing. That is what I experienced before my husband deployed and at the time I didn’t realize he was doing it because of “the guilt” I thought it was because he was stressed from learning about this deployment (he was one of the last to go, he was a last minute replacement, so the news was unexpected).

    As for the comments about me reading “all of his emails” and that “he must know”. No, I didn’t read all of his emails and no, he didn’t know. We’ve always had access to each other’s email accounts. The account I had access to and found the e-mails in was the account he used because he was shut out of the email account he was using with her for not checking it. When he did start using the account I was familiar with, he DID try to hide it and change the password but I knew all of his usual password changes (he’s always been smart about protecting passwords on occasion from hackers and he usually kept me up-to-date about it, EXCEPT on “that” occasion).

    I wasn’t in the habit of checking his emails, in fact I couldn’t remember the last time I did. I only did it that intial time because I was trying to find out the information to pay a bill online and they sent it to his email account.

    I was only able to read the emails from the other female because he didn’t completely erase them and underestimated my computer skills that he showed me over the years.

    I initially didn’t think he was trying to hide anything, I just thought it was one of those times he changed it. So when I did get access I was of course shocked at what I found. I wasn’t reading through all of his emails, I was just concerned with the ones from that particualr female and from what I read I had a right to be concerned.

    You almost sound like you disagree with a spouse having access to the other’s email account. But from what I’ve heard and have read on the internet, these days cheating via the internet is very common. These people are no longer 100% committed to their relationships. They can now assume a totally different identity and find someone else.

    I’m not a psychologist so I don’t know why people willingly go seeking someone else when they know they are married. Alot of people ask, why don’t they just end the marriage then do what they want to do and I believe it’s from a saying that states theres the “ties that bind”. And I think it also stems from the fact that they really do want to be with the person that they are married to but I think that it ALL comes down to a person’s own self-control, morals and beliefs.

    But it was just a shock with the whole “arrest” comment you made because I always thought that was only a possibility in child protective service situations when there was a case of child neglect and abuse and my son has never even been close to expriencing any of that.

    My son is a very happy and thriving little boy and he is actually advanced for his age. Besides, that is the main reason why my husband and I have agreed to immediately start counseling together when he returns because we both know that in order for our relationship to work and for us to continue to raise our son in a healthy environment, we both need to make sure all of our issues are taken care of.

  160. Struggling, listen to Just My Two Cents and give your therapy a chance to help. You are over reacting out of past “garbage” as many of us do when we are hurt. The distance between you and your wife makes you even more insecure. Sounds like she may be having some of the same problem triggered by your initial “slip” of composure.

    Please give the “help” time to work. If you love your wife, you will have to fight your demons “alone” with your counselor’s help! Your wife is about to go into a dangerous situation that will only inflate your insecurities right now. She can’t keep her wits about herself in Iraq and help you through this. She will become a liability to her own safety and the safety of her unit if you try to work on this with her now.

    I strongly encourage you to show her only patience and support right now for her sake, her unit’s sake, and your own sake! You really are not reacting any differently than many people behind on the home front when there are issues like yours to handle. So don’t beat yourself up over your difficulties.

    You can do this. Remember, there is a God. He does help when you face your demons. I suggest you do one or two other things. One, buy some cheap marble or spiral notebooks. Every day write down your feelings about the first things that come to mind. Don’t try to be perfect, use good grammar, etc., just write for about fifteen minutes. Don’t write any longer, it will probably be too much. “DO NOT go back and read it now or edit it.” When you can, take it to your counselor when you go and let her read it.

    You are a guy. Physical activity releases stress and anxiety. Get a bag of nails and some old boards and beat the nails into the board. A can of tennis balls and a cheap racket is another aide. You need a place where you can just hit the balls against a wall without breaking anything. Whenever you feel like you’re going to lose it or really keyed up, try hitting those balls against that wall until you feel the tension and anxiety lessen.

    These suggestions sound dumb. From personal experience, I can tell you they DO help!

  161. Just My Two Cents said:

    Take a deep breath, get some exercise to relieve the stress, and take it a day at a time.


    Excellent advice!

  162. Struggling…as a woman who has been accused of cheating but NEVER has, the suspicion really takes its toll. If I talked to a guy (neighbor, co-worker, friend), I would be grilled about the conversation, whether he had feelings for me, me for him, etc. It got to the point that I didn’t want to speak to anyone just to keep the peace, and that becomes isolating. No matter what I said or did, he just couldn’t believe me. You have no idea how frustrating, disheartening, and hurtful that is to not be believed. I am actually grateful that he deployed just so that I could have peace in my life.

    It’s great that you recognize this as your own insecurity and that you are seeking help to overcome it because it will ruin any relationship you have unless you work to overcome it. This is your issue (low self-esteem) that you are projecting on to your wife.

    From your last post, it seems you still have a ways to go. No one can promise you that they’ll never leave you–not her, not anyone. Funny, but I had another boyfriend who sobbed about his fear of abandonment just before he deployed…and he had an affair while in Iraq! Sometimes I have to wonder that what we accuse others of is something that we might be actually doing or might consider doing ourselves. Is it possible that you fear being alone for an extended period of time?

    Also, the “stuck on the phone comment” surprises me. She’s your wife–you should be on the phone with her. You really have to find some balance in this relationship.

    I read a really good book about improving communication in a relationship (“Soul Talk”) that you might enjoy. It provided me an awareness of why some of my own actions were working to undermine my relationship (e.g., projecting my own anxities on to my boyfriend). Once I identified the problem, then I worked on understanding why–and the conclusion was that I was anxious about things that I had no control over. Once I accepted that, the anxiety went away.

    Take a deep breath, get some exercise to relieve the stress, and take it a day at a time.

  163. Well, I spoke to her again this morning. She had called last night, but was ‘kidnapped’ to go to Hooters for dinner with her buddies. She’s now having fears of commitment. She said that my fears brought hers back. I’m wondering if it’s because she had been accused of cheating by her exes all the time, and doesn’t want to go through that pain again. She values trust above all in a relationship, and she feels that I don’t trust her, so she can’t trust me. I asked her to promise that she’d never leave me, and she told me she couldn’t do that. When I went to the therapists today, I explained my ex, and she told me to do a few things to constantly remind myself that I’m not married to my ex, that my wife has not given me any reason to doubt her. I’m scared…really scared. I told my wife not to call as much, that she needs to have a good time out there, and not be stuck to the phone with me. I really hope she and I can work this out.

  164. Struggling, I applaud your honesty in your own self analysis. I also applaud you for going to counseling. You both had a lot of left over baggage. You needed time to get to know each other better before you got married in face to face situations. You didn’t have it due to circumstances. Believe me when I say your letter is one of the most frequent ones I have seen on forums. Only, the ie behind is usually a woman.

    Your situation is very knew and somewhat unique. Most help and support is geared for women. Your wife is also experiencing role reversal here too, big time. A word of caution, she is going into a deadly area. She needs her wits about her.

    Voice your fears to your counselor. Try to keep your contact with your wife upbeat. I’m going to stick my neck out here ans say she is very hurt you didn’t trust her. Your friend was well meaning but did you both a disservice. Save your doubts and fears for your counselor. Besides past baggage, you are experiencing very close to what many young wives, etc. feel when their other half is deployed.

    I think you will both be stronger from this because you went for help. I suggest you tell your wife you’re sorry about your doubts. You have some issues not relating to her to work on and are doing that with a counselor. Let her know you love her. Get your counselor’s help with the letter if you feel the need.

    When she sees how you are trying to help yourself, I think she will appreciate it and it will ease her mind in Iraq when she goes. Don’t keep using the “D” word when a problem comes up. It looks like you want to cut and run every time a problem comes up.
    Have some faith in yourself and your wife!

  165. Slowlycoping, let’s address the kids first. I will give you the advice I was given by child protective services. Your relationship is abusive from what you have written. Therefore, you both can be arrested and charged. You for enabling and continuing the relationship, him for the abuse.

    Look at what you are doing. Reading all his email. He has to know it. As for the children, they always want both parents even if one is a no good jerk. A child raised in your situation stands a very high chance of doing what your husband is doing or allowing themselves to be treated this way. Either behavior is detrimental.

    The advice given to me, go to the local “Y” to the battered women’s program. They will not tell you to dump him. They will teach you your role in this situation. They will help you understand “mental abuse.” T^hey will teach you what is happening to your child. They will also have free baby sitting for your child by qualified sitters on premise.

    Lastly, I think your husband is a louse. But, irregardless, while he is at war, his emotional stability affects others and jeopardizes others as a result. I would refrain from talking about this while he is deployed for their sake. But, I would also get that help at the “Y.” You do not need to mention it. He will try to talk you out of it. Do it for you and your son! I say these things because “I have been there, done that!” myself!!

  166. I’m a military husband. My wife is in the National Guard, and she is on her first deployment to Korea. It’s only a 45 day deployment, and only 2 weeks until it’s over. However, in March, she ships off to the Sandbox for 12 months. We have a beautiful son together, and our familial bond was very strong until a week ago it seems. Both she and I had been around the block several times in our respective lives. We met online, and began an internet friendship for about 4 1/2 years. Our only contact was chatting on IM and talking on the phone. Neither one of us admitted that we had fallen in love with one another (which happened a year into our friendship).

    She decided that she needed to join the Military, to get herself out of a dead end life. I was one of the only people that thought it was a good idea for her to do so, and supported her, every step of the way. We had infrequent contact while she was in basic training and when she got into AIT, we were able to contact one another on a regular basis. We spoke to one another on the phone at least 2-3 times a week.

    At this time, I was involved with someone in a pointless relationship. There wasn’t any emotion involved; we were just going through the motions. My future wife, reluctantly told me that she had been engaged to someone in AIT, but had broken it off *by purposely cheating on him*. She was supposed to fly in to my state to see his family, but that had fallen through, but she still had a plane ticket that was non refundable. She asked if she could spend her vacation with me.

    Naturally, I jumped at the opportunity to see her face to face. Yes I was in love with her; no I didn’t have any expectations. Either way, 2 days after she arrived, I broke it off with my girlfriend. We had been together for almost a year, and the past 4 months had seemed like I was taking care of a dependant rather than being in a relationship (she didn’t work, didn’t do anything in the house, just ate, read books, watched TV and called her friends on the phone) My future wife and I spent hours talking to one another face to face, and just realizing that we were perfect matches for one another.

    I asked her to marry me, and surprisingly, she said yes. Well, we sped off to Vegas, and got married in a private ceremony. She went back to AIT to finish up, and we were able to get her an IST in the last 2 weeks she was in, so she could fly directly out here. Several months later, she was with child, and our son was born late 2006.

    We both have very good jobs, and I’m not ashamed to admit that for now she is the primary breadwinner in the house. I work full time as well, but the Military being on her resume has enabled her to land a decent position in a good company, that will enable her to go to school and get a degree. I am going to attend film school for what it’s worth.

    Either way, here is the quandary I find myself in. I’m an insecure person, my ex-wife made it a point to crush my sense of self esteem and worth by engaging in several instances of infidelity, go so far as to have a steady boyfriend while we were married, and transmitting an STD to me (not life threatening thank god but a lifelong inconvenience). I look at my wife, and think she is the most amazing woman in the world. She’s honestly the kind of girl every guy wants. She’s almost like one of the guys, save for the whole menstruating thing, and having a female anatomy. Guys are honestly just drawn to her. She’s not overly feminine, isn’t afraid to get dirty, into some sports, sarcastic at times, and yet playful. She really is perfect.

    Here’s where my demons come in to play. She’s been carousing with these guys in Korea (she gets along better with guys than girls). Hitting the clubs, hanging out grabbing a few drinks here and there. I understand she needs to get out and have fun, it’s a stress relief. She had originally called every night, and emailed constantly. Suddenly it stopped, for no apparent reason. I freaked out a bit, and unfortunately, the demons raised their ugly heads. ”She’s obviously found someone else in that crew; someone who is a better man, who understands what it’s like to be a soldier.” My wife has never done anything to give me any reason to think she would betray my trust.

    Well, I (like an idiot) posted something on myspace, about me having these thoughts. Not saying that I thought she was cheating on me. Just that I’m having a hard time, because these insecurities were coming into play heavily. One of my friends read that, and sent her a message telling her to call me, because I thought that she was cheating on me. She calls me in a rage. We had both made an agreement, that regardless of the situation, cheating was not an option. We had both been cheated on by significant others, and had no desire to put one another through that wringer. She and I got into a huge fight that night, the last words out of my mouth were ‘Would you like me to get divorce papers?’ and hers were telling me to go have intercourse with myself.

    Apparently after she had gotten off the phone with me, she decided to go out and get hammered that that, and find someone to have sex with. She figured if I was accusing her of it, why not do it. *she realizes that that sort of attitude is very self destructive* Well, she got through ½ of it. She got drunk, doesn’t remember much of the night, but she woke up in her own bed, fully dressed. We spoke about it, and we’re both trying to deal with the stress of being separated. I at least have the trappings and comforts of home, and our son. She is in a completely isolated position. She’s away from her comfort zone and everything, and admitted to it being extremely painful to call home, and have to hang up. She explained that the reason for her not calling on a regular basis was to get my ready for her deployment to Iraq. She won’t be able to call every day, and there might be times where she’s not able to call for weeks on end. I understand that, and think it’s a good idea, but she hadn’t explained that to me beforehand. All I saw was a sudden change in her behavior pattern.

    Well, we’ve patched it up as much as we can for the time being. I’m going to start therapy tomorrow to deal with and overcome the feelings of insecurity that I have, and when she returns, we’ll go to marriage counseling. We really want this marriage to work, but she’s having reservations now. She doesn’t think I’m the kind of person that will be able to deal with being married to a soldier. I’m going to do everything in my power to prove her wrong. This marriage and family means so much to me, I refuse to let it go.

    I’m just worried, because I understand that in Iraq, you develop close bonds with other service members. You start confiding in them, and getting very comfortable around one another. In certain instances, it’s not uncommon to have not only a sexual relationship, but to fall in love with one another. Again, my wife has never done anything to show me that she is worthy of less than my complete faith in her, but I know that my baggage can and will destroy this marriage if I don’t do anything about it.

    Truthfully, I’m not sure as to why I’m writing this. I suppose I just want to hear from people if they have ever experienced this. She hasn’t cheated on me, nor do I think she ever will, but those demons…

    • read mine… so talk to her and she has to be honest… truth always come out… good luck and i wish everything is ok with ur family and hopefully u guys save the marriage…. not like my wife she dnst want to.. even if we have a little girl , 2 1/2 year…. she just wanna have fun…

  167. I’m so glad I found this site. Before my husband left for his deployment our relationship wasn’t at it’s best. Out of the 7 years we were married we rarely had bad arguements. I trusted him 100% so when I did start suspecting that he may be cheating I didn’t look into because I just thought that he would never do that, especially since we were just starting to raise a family. Well a few weeks before his deployment he treated me very poorly. He didn’t want to talk to me at all (keep in mind this was his last week with my son and I before his deployment), when I arranged for us to get a night alone to go to the movies (we were actually the only ones in the theater) he didn’t even try to hold my hand or cuddle with me and this man was my high school sweetheart! He was just very withdrawn and I knew that things looked bad. Well, about a month into his deployment just so happens we changed the “paying the bills” responsibilites and I now had access to his email account. Well I guess he forgot that I had access and I found several emails from him and a fellow deployed female soldier, both of them expressed that they loved each other and as my husband wrote to her “he didn’t know what he would do without her”. I tried to confort both of them (which was primarily via email due to the deployement). The female he was writing never responded to my request to talk with me (I just wanted to hear her side). Instead, she overlooked me and responded to my husband (which I found out in another email account that my husband forgot that I had access to also). Well she writes him and says that SHE was going to tell me that she was a lesbian and that she says “I love you” to all of her friends. Well after this I gave my husband one more chance to come clean with the exact extent of how “far” their “relationship” went. He stuck with “his story” that there was just a kiss that SHE initiated it. I actually would have stood behind him 100% if he wouldn’t have told me that he was “seeing” this woman several months before his deployment. The hurtful thing about that was during that time before his deployment I wasn’t working but staying home caring for our son ( who was about 1 1/2) at the time. So I was literally begging him to come home at lunch to have a little more time together (or) even better I wanted to go out with him for lunch. Unfortunately, he would shrug it off and say that the distance (from work to home) was too far (which was about at the max a 10-15 minute drive) and he’d say that it was just quicker to grab a bite on base. So when he confessed that he was “seeing” this woman and they would meet up for lunch it literally crushed me. Not only did I feel like he purposefully avoided me but I felt like he took time from being with our son as well, especially at a time where they had longer hours because of training and getting equipment ready for the deployment. My immediate response to it all was that I wanted a divorce. He later on told me that a bomb had went off near his location and woke him up out of his sleep and he realized that what he did was wrong and that he wanted to do right by our family. But being in a situation where the cheating spouse is still in the same location with the one they cheated with is very hard to handle. We got married young and he basically tried to tell me that it was something he did because he felt we drifted apart and it wasn’t till that bomb went off that he realized that he put our family in jeopardy and made a mistake with being involved with this other woman. Some one had said to talk to their spouse on his R&R well that’s exactly what I did but for my son’s sake I kept things as cordial as I could. When my husband and I did talk face to face, he said that what he did was stupid and that he wanted to work on our marriage and be there for our son. Well about a week after he went back, I noticed a strange email account ( after I found out about the affair from the other email account I had asked him if he had anymore accounts, he FLAT out told me he didn’t). So when I asked him about this account he kept saying he didn’t recognize it and maybe someone was “playing” with me and he was going to find out who it was. So, I decided to take a hardball approach and asked him if that was “his final answer” (at that point he knew I was about to go draw up my divorce papers and he knew that I knew he had visited the account). So he did confess and said it was his but that he didn’t want to come right out and tell me because he thought I’d get mad but then he goes on and has the nerve to say he’s had this account our WHOLE marriage and that he “forgot” about it and just happened to check it (no I didn’t buy that). Unfortunatley, I wasn’t thinking at the time and I should have asked for the password on the spot but I was so emotionally drained and by the time I did ask for the password of course the whole account was cleaned out and there was NO emails in there. But I still have a suspicion that it was another account he created to continue to talk to this other woman (or) who knows else. It just left me with a bad feeling because I felt like I’ve been living with a “two-faced” person for the past 7 years. It’s been about 9 months and till this day he still denies having sex with the “other” woman. And to the ladies my instinct tells me SO much that he’s still lying. He once told me that he didn’t want to say anything because he had hurt me so much. Just a little background, before he deployed, I myself was going through a bad depression spell, probably post-pardum depression and adding to that I had a c-sect with my son, gained some “stress” weight and had a low self essteem. When he wanted to have sex, many times I declined. I tried to explain that it wasn’t because I wasn’t attracted but I was just depressed and I was rarely in the mood. And before anyone says, Oh, he cheated because the sex wasn’t there, I don’t believe that. At times it did pick up but never as regulary and often as it was before our son was born. But agreeing with Matthew I too believe that his act of cheating was premeditated. This man called me every day and at least 2 to 3 times a day and greeted my son and I with hugs and kisses when coming home. I guess because both of our parents are divorced and because our son is so young I decided to take a deeper look within and really think about how getting a divorce could affect our son’s future. Many have told me “not to stay together” just because we have a child but maybe it’s because I’m old-fashioned but I really do believe that a child should be raised in a united home with both parents. However, on the other side I contemplate whether or not I can withstand the emotional rollercoaster that my husband still puts me through till this day. We still have about 4 months to go before his re-deployment but I am still weary about our future. He also has asked me to “bear with him” and I have really went out on a limb to keep in the forefront of my mind that he is the middle of a country at war and that he too faces alot of mental stress. I have to continually remind myself that my son is unable to speak for himself and is too young to know the situation. I was fortunate to grow up with my family “in tact” although my parents went through a similar situation but as a child I was unware of it and was grateful to have both parents in the home. I came to the initial conclusion that I wouldn’t get a divorce and at least work on the marriage because I didn’t want to have to face my son in the future with him asking if I at least tried. So I wanted to be able to tell my son that yes I did try. I guess what I would like to know from others who DO have children and were cheated on, did you decide to stay and how did everything turn out? I would also like to thank Matthew for presenting such a mature and positive outlook on soldiers in Iraq. I honestly almost thought that there wasn’t many faithful soldiers over there (my husband told me that there is alot of cheating going on over there). If anyone could shed some light here on exactly what the Chaplins do over there? Do they just have church every Sunday? They have to be aware of the infidelity crisis among deployed soldiers. I really wish that they would at least remind soldiers of the consequences of their actions at least just to keep that thought in their mind of the important things. Unfortunately, I had a friend who exprienced a similar situation on a re-deployment. She hadn’t seen her husband in a year and on re-deployment he literally ignored her. The same night he went out with friends, never went home and later on told her he was moving in with the female soldier he had been “messing” with all along on his deployment. So that is another question I have for Matthew or any other soldiers, especially to the female soldiers. If you know these men are married and have children,why go through with it? Do they really see themselves as a sexual object (or) do they really have a “don’t care” attitude?

  168. Good for you. Your input and wisdom will certainly be an asset on the forum.

  169. Devildog, I will be changing my name real soon since living in the past is no longer a part of me. I just got an email from Anthony but instead of reading it I deleted it. I will admit that I still think of him, especially when I work with an engineer in my office named Anthony. But time keeps on ticking into the future right? I look forward to joining the forum and hopefully help someone in what I feel were my hardest moments.

  170. Hurting all over, thank you so much for your kind words. I never expected the response this post has produce. I started a forum. The link is in my sidebar. I’d appreciate it if you’d do the poll and make any comments or suggestions you might have.

    I started the forum to give people a place to deal with cheating and get help. I think it is something that has been ignored inadvertantly for too long.

  171. Matthew thank you so much for your advice. I realized that Anthony just wanted me as a back up so I cut him completly out of my life and I feel so much better. I know he’s hurting but he put that on himself. Feels so good to hear your advice, because I felt the same way but ofcourse there’s always that little bit of wishful thinking, but no more. Stay Safe and thank you so much for giving up so much of yourself for our country.
    Devildog, thank you for your support and for this site I could not have done it without you and everyone that helped me. I went back this morning and read my postings and boy was i hurting I refuse to ever be put in that situation again. True love should not hurt and never ends.

  172. Matthew, thank you for your words of support.

    Hurting all over, you go girl! Good for you. You have come such a long way. Be happy. Remember, you deserve better. Your guy is out there. He’ll find you when you least expect it.

  173. Since the last time I posted Anthony has decided that he’s ready for a face to face but I have decided that I don’t need one and I don’t need or want him. I did so much soul searching and realized that karma does have a way of kicking you in the ass. The person he is seeing is in the Army and is married to a Navy guy and things are not going well and he is sick over everything that is going on and begged me to see him. I told him I have moved on, (i’m not seeing anyone but I don’t need to) he asked if we could be friends I told him no I needed him completly out of my life. He sounded so sad. he told me he wasn’t doing well I told him I totally understood becasue I felt horrible after what he did to me. He told me he was real sorry and that he kept going up to L. A. to visit his family and he was having a hard time living two lives and I am too good for him. I told him he was right I am and I so deserve better. he stayed quiet, I wished him a good life and hung up. I felt and still feel so good. Thank you all who supported me through what seemed like the end of my world. We really have to dig deep and realize that we don’t deserve these cheaters and liars in our life. It does feel like the hurt will never go away but I promise you it will and it does. Once you know that you did nothing wrong and nothing to deserve to be treated this bad by anyone it makes the healing so much better. I will be back to offer support to anyone that needs it.

  174. Hurting all over,

    Ok i dont know how long you’ve been with this guy, but its sounds to me like he just wants to end this realtionship, now im not dr. phil or anything but from what you have written it sounds like hes done and over the realtionship you two shared, even though he continues to write you this doesn’t mean he want to keep the same realtionship going he might like you as a friend but it sounds to me he just wants a fall back girl for when the new realtionship fails. im not trying to make you feel bad but i have known some dudes that have kept in touch with exs just for a friend with benefits. so i would reccomend that unless you like that kind of thing then dont keep throwing yourself at him, It will only make him think that you are a girl that can be treated like crap and still hang aroud. i hope the best for you, in finding the guy your looking for.

  175. Anthony emailed me on Monday. (he’s afraid to talk to me on the phone he said) In this email he tells me that he wanted to keep me as a friend because he didn’t want to let me go and he didn’t want to hurt me. I told him I was confused so please explain. It took him a while to answer me back but he wrote back that he wanted me in his life. So I asked him if this was while he was in Iraq or when he returned, he said both. So I asked him if he was hooked up with this girl while he was deployed, he never answered. He told me that he had been feeling real sick and was not doing well. I almost felt bad for him, like I wanted to reach out to him and take care of him. I told him I was sorry that he was not well I asked him what was wrong all he wrote back was “sick”. I have not heard from him. I emailed him back and thanked him for writting me and that I was hoping he would answer my questions but he never wrote back. I have to admit that hearing from him was real nice and almost took me back in time but when I read his answers or lack of them I felt hurt and betrayed and bad that he wan’t feeling weel. I really want to move forward but I can’t with half answered questions. the fact that he emailed me on his own is a step forward but I have more and more questions now.

  176. Be sure to let me know what the forum is I can check it out.

  177. Cool, thank you! I’m working on it now.

  178. Devildog6771,
    Most certainly having a support group for people who are in the same situation as mine would help. I know I went through anxiety bigtime and talking to people helped. I was grasping at straws at the time. Never thought he was ‘cheating” perse, just confused. I went through and am going through a roller coaster of emotions, so if you do decide to add a forum, I’d certainly post there, both as comfort to myself and others.

  179. Trying to Understand thank you. You are most welcome. I am making a small forum and one group will be for Military Families to discuss cheating. I want a group for people like yourself. Would you have found it helpful. I thought if there was a separate group for those whose partner was injured, etc. and a blackout was in effect it would be nice to have your own place to go for support, the other group has a very separate set of issues. I am interested in your thoughts.

  180. You have no idea how even a few of your posts helped me cope. I am and will be forever grateful. You are all really good people, thank you again! If I can help out in anyway in the future with others I will certainly post words of comfort to any who need it.

  181. Trying to Understand said this, that is such good news. Seems we all had your guy pegged right from the start. Also seems that the prayers helped too so I will keep them coming. I am so happy for you. God Bless you both and his two buddies. I am so glad you felt supported here.

  182. Matthew, Thank you!!!! You are a “real” hero! My prayers are with you tonight.

  183. I am feeling great now that’s for sure. He said he had to call that day and tell me things just in case he didn’t make it. Thankful for that, but even better now when he doesn’t use past tense. Saying I love you instead of I will always love you certainly sounds better in one’s ear regardless of the distance!

  184. Trying to Understand, I’m glad you finally heard from him!! Sorry about his injuries, it sounds like he is going through hell right now. I bet you’re excited though that he’ll finally be coming home and it must make ya feel good that out of anyone to call, he chose you. That’s awesome!!

  185. I finally received a call from him last night. Very relieved!!! He was injured and taken to Germany, will be there for awhile due the extent of his injuries. Has only been coherant since yesterday so he called.The other 2 soldiers are in the same shape, also good news. He didn’t know at the time what happened to them and said he figured the worst. He also didn’t remember what he had told me while making the call to me, they had asked him if he wanted to call someone, so he called me. He is in good spirits but in alot of pain. Were struck by an IED. Has a few more surgeries to go through then when stable make the trip home. And he will be home for good, no more deployments! Thanks to this forum for keeping me sane through this!

  186. Thanks Reneeleigh. The thing is I talked to him on a nearly daily basis over the internet on video chat, when he was not out on missions. And sent many an email back and forth. They all had internet access on the base there ni Afghanistan. Where he called me from the day it happened. If he is now in Germany, they must certainly have phones/internet to contact me. But I will be patient, he is obviously in no shape to contact me right now. Thanks for your input and support, will hope for good news.. Like that saying I was told all the time “no news is good news” right?

  187. Trying to Understand, it is true that sometimes it takes a while to make contact after losing people. I remember I waited for close to 2 weeks before hearing from my guy. It drove me nuts. When I finally did hear back from him, they had black outs on the phone until family and next of kin were notified, and he still had missions to go on in between while being stressed and tired. By the time the phones re-opened, the lines were so long and he had limited time to use them, so it took a while. I’d just say to be patient a little while longer. When you do hear from him again, see if you can get an address for him and email address ( if you haven’t already ) so you have some other options even though mail takes a little while to get sometimes and if he uses an internet cafe, when the phones are blacked out, so are the computers most of the time. But at least you have other means of communication. And from what I hear in Afghanistan sometimes it’s harder to get to phones than Iraq even. I hope that eases your mind a bit. Hopefully you’ll hear from him soon.

  188. It is very hard; but, give it time. You and I don’t know the details. There could be security reasons why you haven’t found anything yet. There could also be a blackout until N.o.K. is notified. But depending on what else is going on there we just can’t second guess. Just keep praying as will I.

  189. Update from yesterdays post. I still have heard nothing from him nor have seen anything regarding 2 KIA’s in Afghanistan on Aug 5, 2007. I am so confused.

  190. Thank you so much for all your help. Comforting to know there is someone out there that will give a listen and advice. His pain must be unbearable so prayers would help I am sure.

  191. Trying to Understand, good for you. I sure can understand your fears. Maybe he was in shock when he called. We’ll keep you both in our prayers.

  192. Thank you your insight, appreciated. It isn’t that I am worried so much about the relationship so to speak, more just about him, he was really upset, i could not even understand him during parts of the conversation. Not even sure why they let him call actually, but glad he did. He was in Afghanistan not Iraq, so there has not been anything reported for that day in question Aug 5 2007. And like I said I didn’t get information on how to contact him in case of something like this, don’t ask me why, naive I guess. I just want him to know I am here unconditionally. Again my thanks and yes I have my own support group to help me deal, but want to more so help him.

  193. I checked the casualty reports. There is a unit that lost “4” guys in a roadside bomb attack. However, there is no way to know if this is the right unit. You might post his unit on here and then you can maybe get someone ‘s help.

  194. I personally wouldn’t expect your guy was lying. The loss of one member of a unit is hard enough for the troops to handle. But, to lose they last of them and have him be the only survivor is beyond comprehension. You guy’s unit will be on an information black out until every family involved has been notified about the loss of their loved one if all were not already notified when he called. In which case, he probably wasn’t even supposed to call you. Of course I am only guessing at this point.

    Right now, I’d be more concerned about my guy than of he is breaking up. Why not contact his unit commander and ask if you could talk to him. Tell him you know he can’t divulge any privacy issues. But maybe he can help you understand what your guy is going through. How you handle this situation may decide whether or not your guy feels you can handle him and what he is going through. Aren’t there some type of support groups for spouses, fiances, etc. for you to get in touch with?

    Try to locate one of these local groups and get some help from them. Give him so time to process and handle this tragedy he is facing alone. It really is too soon to make any decisions, get upset about the status of your relationship, etc.. Give him that time. But, I repeat, find out about the support groups back here let them help you through this.

    If anyone else has or knows of a better way to handle this situation, please offer what you can.

  195. Have read some of these and they don’t apply to what has happened to me but close. My guy was in Afghanistan, things were going smoothly for 6 months, then the other day I received a call from him, he was really upset, said he was on his way to Germany, lost the last of his guys, said he would always love me and I will be in his heart forever. It has been 5 days now, no word, no replies from emails either. I am at a complete loss. This was a new relationship and we never really had the chance to put things n order for anyone to contact me just in case. I would hate to think he would call me with news like that and be untruthful just to end the relationship, but I need some other peoples opinions. PLEASE HELP!

  196. Thank you Devildog and ReneeLeigh. The truth will set him free one day when he’s ready to be a genuine, honest person

  197. It sounds like with this guy you’ll probably never know why. And like Devildog said he might not even know why himself, just the feeling of not wanting to be in a relationship with you. There’s a book out called “He’s Just Not That into You” it has a lot of stories and circumstances in that book that might help you. That’s what it sounds like in your case. Good luck to ya!!

  198. He may not know he is an emotional coward!

  199. Today i’m very angry at Anthony. I know I have to erase his emails but I can’t just yet. I read the old ones and get caught up in the past. So I emailed him asking him to please tell me why he strung me along for 13 months he emails me back telling me he doesn’t know and that he’s sorry. I email him back asking him for an answer, he keeps saying he doesn’t know and he’s sorry. I just want him to be honest. I don’t know if that would make it better or not but I really want to know.

  200. Matthew, I’m glad to see someone on here that is actually over there and can let us know how things are first hand. It’s good to see that you care and take pride in staying focused and getting your job done over there while still thinking about how your loved ones back home are feeling. You are one of the “good guys” I’m sorry about your buddies!!! Thank you for all that you do and I wish you a safe and speedy return.

  201. Thank you Matthew for telling it like it really is. My best to you and your buddies. I pray for all of you to return home safely. Thank you all.


    Hey I came across this site, and i just got done reading your blog. I am currently here in Iraq and am in the infantry, I am in contact with the enemy every other day, now i am under a great amount of stress everyday, now you say your guy was under alot of atress out here in iraq, well what kind of stress would cause you to put your shall i say penis into another woman when you have a wife at home. now i have a girl at home and i would never even think about sleeping with another woman out here. i am currently in the hottest part in iraq right now and i mean hottest in the most contact everyday. i have gotten blown up shot at by rpgs, bullets, and mortars, i have had 3 friends die 1 infront of me. now in having all this happen to me tell me why i dont have the urge to sleep with another woman. no wait i will tell you because what goes through a mans mind when in combat is not sex its their familey their fellow guys out there with them. when we get back its finding out what we can improve on to not die out there and get blown up. we dont think hey im feeling sorry for myself let me go do something that would hurt the one i love. im telling you this because i am in the shit everyday, i miss my girl every second im away from her, what i think about on my time off is what i am going to do to make her feel better about me being here. i want you to know that this load of crap your man pitched to you must have been really good material. i am not trying to insult your guy but to sleep with another woman is just plain wrong and to mention against the law. so your guy not only broke the law but also your heart knowing that doing this would result in adultrey. let me also remind you that sex is an act of a premeditated desire. therfor what your guy did was not only thought of in his head while thinking of you, but he did this knowing it was wrong. unless your guy was drunk and unconscious, which alcohol is not allowed in iraq then he did this know what he was doing. i Write this hoping to open your eyes not hurt you or cause you any problems in your marriage. Please know that what im telling you is from a man that is in iraq and knows what its like i know amercia thinks they know whats going on but they dont. its a world of people trying to get by, and not die. this is no longer a winnable war it never was. this war is just about getting home now. i hope you listen to my reason and not blow it off. If you have any questions write me ask away i will only tell you the truth and becareful of what you ask i WILL NOT sugar coat anything whatsoever.

  203. What devildog said is a good suggestion…! It is a good time to lean on friends and give yourself time or to start crossing off that life list of stuff that you’ve always wanted to do… like go on an adventure, skydive, bunji jump…Just anything you always wanted to do. It might take your mind off of things and get some fun in. That’s what I did, and I dragged some friends along. It still took a long time before I could get into a relationship because it’s hard to trust after something like that but it helped me from being totally unhappy during the recovery process.

    It does get better, no matter how much it might not seem like that.

  204. I don’t want anyone right now. It’s only been a week. I just want to heal and feel better. I have lot’s of friends I just want to be alone for now. I’m not even going to go for closure I just want him out of my life and heart. He’s such a liar that whatever he tells me will be for his own benifit.

  205. It takes a while. Don’t go into a new relationship yet. It’s too soon. Do you have one or two friends you can go out with to keep your mind busy? Probably best to avoid bars. But my daughter and her friends get a couple beers or whatever, some DVD’s, and just hang out at one house for the night!

  206. Why couldn’t Anthony just be honest Katana instead of hurting me so much knowing that he was never comming back? It makes no sense but what does you know. I just want the hurt to go away so I can just continue. My co-workers have noticed a big change in me beacuse i’m always happy no matter what but lately I just can’t. It’s like I want to be alone in my own thoughts and memories that are always going to be there. i know that time is supposed to heal the heart but as the days go by I just miss him more and more and the pain gets harder. I always felt that a person should never cry over someone who would not cry for u but I have cried so much that my stomache hurts.

  207. I know how that is…. I used to be mad about a man that didnt work out. I chased him for a year before cutting out. I just couldnt get him out of my head; and how good everything USED to be and wishing we could go back even though I knew we couldnt. Just kept wishing everything could go back to how they used to be before the army thing for both of us.

  208. Anthony was a Sgt. who was lowered to a Corporal because of his Dui, I told him everyone made mistakes so move forward and turn a wrong into a right by not drinking and driving and learn from example. He would tell me I was to mature for him and intimidated him because of my education compared to his so he always dated woman closer to his level but I was an exception because I was diffrent and he was in love with me. I’m sorry i’m not sure why i’m writing this but that’s what i’m thinking about right now. I really miss him and honestly wish that things were the same as they were before he left to Iraq. he was so nice, funny, and very loving. I just wish I knew what happened to my beautiful Marine that I fell in love with.

  209. good for you for stopping the cycle that most people fall into…

    In my experience, its the most hooah (or, in this case… oorah?) guys that are inept when handling women just because they’re never around them much.

  210. Oh, I’m sorry. I misread that.

  211. No Anthony is not married, my Msgt friend is.

  212. Good for you. He’s married! There is nothing honorable about this Marine. I am sorry.

  213. I really thought that since he came back wounded from Iraq and got a dui before he left that time was what he really needed. I have seen where space and time do bring couples back and even closer. I even asked my Msgt friend for advice and he told me that when he returns from was he always allows himself at least a month of alone time and he’s married. He also told me that Anthony being a Marine means he would be man enough to tell me the truth. And besides my thinking was why would he lie to me since he hasn’t yet and as close and open and in love as we are he would never hurt me. well it hurts so much to know that he was not the person I fell in love with. And to know that he could dodge bullets, being infantry, that dumping me would not be a problem for him, because he is strong, honest and genuine. I was wrong. He took the easy way out and I will not validate his actions by giving him another chance to hurt me again.

  214. I think I see a trend in so many of these stories made a little more obvious by Hurting All Over. It seems that our cheaters all ask for patience, for time, for some space for “themselves”. If both people feel that way, fine. But when only one person feels that way…I dont know why people give it to them – I was once in that “zone” where I was told to wait… bear with them while they did their thing, and they would come back to me when they were ready. Needless to say that I didn’t wait – I ran my ass the other way, and all that running led me to my current husband.

    I guess what I’m saying is that when one partner needs space, and time… it means they’re not ready for a relationship. That a relationship probably won’t happen and won’t work. A relationship is close-quarters, it’s encroaching, there’s no privacy from your partner. There shouldn’t be. Both people in a relationship need to be team players, all in or all out, no middle ground.

    if someone wants you to wait for them, in the “let me get my shit straight” context… I’d pop smoke and break contact.

  215. Thank you so very much for all your help and support. 2 years of psychology in college did not prepare me for this. this is my first and i’m making it my last heartbreak. I keep telling myself that I will never feel as horrible as I did when I first read his words. I will get myself back. I used to advice my friends to never let a man make you or break you and I let Anthony break me. Love like anything in life is also a gamble unfortunally.

  216. Hurting all over and ReneeLeigh, I hope you both continue to comeback often. Come back to let others support you. Come back to support others or just to say hi. There are no experts here, just the walking wounded!

  217. Thank you all for the nice comments. And thank you to those who helped me too. I am by far not close to being an expert on things….just lived through some of them by experience and am glad if my opinions or advice help anyone.

  218. devildog6771, I too feel like a part of me has died because of all the promises he made to me and broke as fast as he made them. and to know that at the end an email was all I was worth to him. I feel so bad for him because he’s never going to be happy. He told me all his girlfriends either cheated or used him, I would have never done that to him. I’m so in love with him that being faithful for the 13 months and longer if he had been extended would not have been a problem. I will come back and post if it’s ok because the hurt is not getting better

  219. Hurting all over, good for you. ReneeLeigh does give good advice. She understands what you are going through. She has had her own crisis too. Your first love is always the very hardest to handle when it ends. It feels like you will never get over it. For me, I felt like a part of me died!

  220. Thank you ReneeLeigh. Reality has hit and i’m so emotional because i’ve known the truth for a while now I guess I was just in denial. I really wanted to be his friend because I know he can really be a good person and deep down inside I was hoping that he really never meant to hurt me that maybe he just got caught up in the moment. He’s my first real tru love so i’m taking it real hard especially waiting for him to return from Iraq. My friend who’s a Msgt and will be stationed in the same base as my ex in September when he returns from Iraq asked that I get closure or he will make sure I get it when he returns. I will then cut off all ties and move forward to better sunsets.

  221. ReneeLeigh, I love having you post here. You are a good counter balance to my more analytical approach. Thank for your wisdom. Thank you for helping others get through what you had to go through. You are also a special person, always willing to give good support to others. You are also always fair. I like that!

  222. Hurting all over, it sounds like your guy has left you behind and moved on, so my advice to you would be do the same even though your heart hurts. He has told you that his high school sweetheart is his girlfriend now, that would be enough info for me to let him go. And he just HAD to tell you how awesome she is….that’s hurtful, there was no reason he had to tell you that knowing how much you still care for him. And as far as being friends with him, that choice is up to you if you can just be a friend. But it leaves the door open for him to walk back to you if his now current relationship doesn’t happen to work out. Plus you have deeper feelings that go past friendship, so you’ll probably just keep getting hurt. So I wouldn’t waste any more time on him. I’d let go and let yourself heal so you can find someone who is totally into you only. I hope this helps =)

  223. I forgave him, I can’t stand cheating for the fact that it hurts the person on the receiving end so bad and breaks down families among other things, so I usually tell people to get out of the relationship and run as fast as they can. But I think your situation is an exception. I think sometimes a decent person at the wrong place/ wrong time and in extreme circumstances can make a mistake and really be sorry about it. You know your husband better than any of us, and it seems he was one in that category. I sat down with my ex-husband and the chaplain from his unit and even though we ended in divorce, it was a helpful counseling session. And it’s free of charge. Just something to think about if you need a little help when he gets back. =) You are a strong woman & I hope it all works out for you.

  224. Devildogs, thank you for all your help and taking the time to share your experience with me. We dated for 3 months before he deployed for 10 months, it wasn’t only 3 dates although 3 dates would have made the pain a lot easier. I checked his myspace and he’s got himself down as “in a relationship but looking for dates, relationships”. I feel that I really need a face to face because I want him to man up and account for strining me along and have him know that he is to never do that to someone who supposly he loves and loves him back. I don’t want him back but I want him to know what he has done to me who faithfully waited for him. I don’t know if we can be friends, can we?

  225. Before I make a comment, let me say in all honesty, I have been there. Now, go for counseling. Don’t walk, run. Three dates is rarely enough time for most people to fall in love. You obviously have a kind heart and a good ear. But, you need to work on your own self esteem so you can understand why you let this guy use you.

    That sounds cold and mean. I don’t mean it that way. I too had the same problem. It caused me to not know how to let go, hang in there when I should have dumped the guy, keep picking guys that treat me with the lock of respect I felt for myself. We won’t even get into the guys problems. That is another issue.

    You can go to a battered women’s group at the local “Y” for free. I say this because therapy costs and this type of problem will set you up for an abusive spouse. Not all abuse is physical. Emotional abuse is often much crueler than physical abuse. It will also prevent you from relationships with nice guys because they will seem boring to you or you won’t feel good enough for them!

    The “Y” will not tell you to dump him. It will help you understand where you are headed and why. When you begin to understand that, you will decide what to do about this guy if he is still in the picture or another like him. You will be able to find or meet a good guy, who will respect you and love you for yourself and not use you for his own selfish needs or purposes. YOU DESERVE BETTER!

    You won’t figure things out over night if you try this. You’ll probably meet some other types just like this guy. But if you stick with it, you will see a gradual change in your life and the men you meet.

    I hope you aren’t offended by my advice. It comes from years of lousy relationships like this and an abusive husband. I felt like I was reading my own story here.

    Now, if you decide to get counseling or go to the “Y” program, they may tell you I am wrong. Good. Nothing will be lost. But, you gain the personal satisfaction of learning you have a good head on your shoulders.

    God Bless and take care.

  226. I wanted to add a little more to my post. Please know that I gave him plenty of chances to let me go and each time he kept telling me to be patient give him time and his feelings had not changed that he was comming back to me. In one of the emails i sent him i told him I wasn’t upset it was over I was hurt because he string me along. He wrote back that he was sorry. I wrote him a letter letting him know i need a face to face in a few weeks until then no contact. so i’ll see if he agrees. I’m being adviced not to do it becuase he’s not worth it but i need to either move forward and never look back or be his friend like he said he wants to. I told him he wouldn’t get a second chance to ever hurt me again so he knows where i’m comming from. I want to hate him so that would make my broken heart a lot better but I can’t. Honestly I really miss him and want to see him, I just want to be strong and not cry. He did share a lot of deep things with me that he said was a relief to let out and find the person he could trust I just can’t undestand what happened or why he choose to string me along instead of just telling me the truth. i could have dealt with that better than to know he wanted me to basically go away. I just want him to answer these questions for me is that wrong? Oh I didn’t cuss at him I just told him to look deep within himself and to find himself.

  227. My Marine came back from his deployment early in May after being injured (non combat) we dated for 3 months before he deploys, he tells me he’s in love with me and loves me more than he has ever loved anyone before. So after seeing each other only 3 times after returning he tells me he loves me, is in love with me and his feelings have not changed but he needs to heal and take care of some things that he got in trouble for before he left for Iraq. So I ask him if we are breaking up he tells me no just be patient with him and hang in there and give him time. So 2 months go by and last week I beg him to tell me the truth, he doesn’t have a cell phone so he emails me this.. I have a gfriend. So I am confused since I thought I was his girlfriend. So I call the Barracks to talk to him. I ask him why he didn’t tell me instead of stringing me along for 2 months. His response.. He didn’t know how to tell me so I wouldn’t be hurt so he he was hoping I would just know or get tired of waiting for him!!! I felt like dying at that time! There was a lot of background noise going on and he held a few conversations with other people while I was on the phone trying real hard not to break down. He appologized for the background noise. I asked him if he was happy and how did he meet her hesaid she was his high school girlfriend and she was real awesome! I could not help at that time but cry real soft. He stayed quiet and told me he had to go and wished me a great weekend. I asked him if we could talk again, he said no not right now and said bye. I was devasted since he dumped me on line that way. So I emailed him and told him he was a lousy excuse of a man and a Marine and a few more emails and words. He emails me back and tells me I was always good to him and he appreciates me and wants me always as his friend because I always listen and he wants to know that he can always come to me for advice. I’m so confused. My friends are telling me not to accept him as a friend because all he wants is a hook up. I love him so much I don’t know what to do.

  228. Geminiokc, well said. We have enjoyed having one of the guys on here too. A word of caution so you won’t beat yourself up later! You may still take her back. We are after all only human. However, I suggest you go to a counselor if you do. A LCSW works best for “me.” I find most easier to talk to. There are many who will work with you on fees. I would ask her to go to. If she won’t, then go anyway. This is for you. If you don’t take her back, well it still doesn’t hurt to get help learning how to better handle the harder side of life!

    Best of everything to you. Come by often to give updates, offer support to someone else or just say hi!

  229. Hello again! well first of all i would like to express my utmost appreciation to everyone that responded to my ordeal! I can not tell you how much it has helped me to hear the advice that everyone has given! I am truly in debt to each of you! The crazy thing is I have always been the one giving advice to others because as it goes, it is so much easier to see whats going on from the outside in!!! Since i last spilled my heart here, I have done alot of soul searching, and I have to say that I am starting to feel relieved by the decision I have made to kick her out!! You see the thing is that I love her so much that i was willing to give her a second chance if she was honest with me, something i have never thought would come out of my mouth!!But the reality is that she is still in AIT comes home in like 7 days and is still lying to me like everything is normal! She doesn’t know that i know, so she still thinks she’s getting away with it!! All i know is when she gets back home she is in for a rude awakening!! My friends call me from time to time and say, “now when she comes back you sure your not going to give in and take her back?” and honestly i can answer HELL NO!!!!! I gave her so many chances to tell the truth, and she just lied to me over and over….therefore i know i could never trust her again 😦 One other thing if anyone reading this read my blog, they remember that of all the things i sacrificed one of them was that i stopped smoking for her, well the other night i was talking to the person that gave me all the information, which by the way we have become pretty good friends 🙂 anyways i was telling her about all the things i sacrificed and she stopped me…..and said “you quit smoking for her?” “that is awesome, I dont know anyone that has ever done that for a woman, but she smokes!!!!!!” All i have to say is I was flooored, I truly never really knew her 😦 So to conclude thank you once again DEVILDOG6771, RENEELEIGH, AND EVERYONE ELSE THAT RESPONDED, for anyone going through the same as i, just remember its not the end of the world it just feels like it!!!! Keep your head up, and move on cause life is too short/sweet too not love or be loved once again!!!

  230. I have tried on several occasions to point out the men and women who did what your husband did. The shock of war, death, fighting for your life, having to take a life is not an easy thing for a good person to live with under any circumstances. After a while a type of depression and numbness sets in and sometimes the fight was so intense an adrenaline rush sets in. In both cases, it can catch a person with a momentary weakness or maybe judgment lapse is a better word. Things just happen. I am making an attempt here to do the best I can from my own personal PTSD experience and association with returnees. In my case since childhood sexual abuse was the cause, cheating was not an option. I am unable to have casual sex.

    But I too would love for some of those on the other side to respond to help with the understanding as it can further healing at both ends. I can fix it so an anonymous post can be made if that would help.

    Now, you! I find you to be a very mature and loving person. I agree for what it’s worth 100% with your decision. Your husband also sounds like a very special guy. I sincerely hope when he comes home, he is able to talk with you about this after things settle down for a bit. Otherwise it can stay below the surface and fester. Only the two of you can determine that. I strongly recommend a counselor with War PTSD experience, not that you husband has that but because he can get it later. Many things trigger its onset. You both could also discuss this issue in a “safe place” where a competent person can say, OK, we need to just slowdown a bit today and next time we’ll talk more. This is important because both of you may need a “ventilation period” or think of it a a tea pot boiling for a year of strained emotions that just employment produces. So, you let it out a little at a time.Does that make sense?

    God bless you for your forgiveness. You also have a great deal of “maturity” and I think that is the biggest issue here besides the one time lapse on your husband’s part. It appears he also has a great deal. You guys live with separation and “fear” on both sides that puts enormous strain on anyone. It also seems that you two have also invested the time needed to build a marriage after the “lust” settles and built a marriage on mutual love, friendship, and intimacy that has nothing to do with sex. One day.f you two ever found time and were so inclined you would make great group leaders for a support group for other military families!

    Be happy. You guys deserve it. God Bless you both and watch over your husband.

  231. Unfortunately I found out that my husband did cheat on me while he was deployed. I am NOT ok with what he did, but I have come to peace with it. I found out while he was still deployed and had to deal with the pain by myself. I have done alot of soul searching and I know that he loves me and that he would never have done such a thing if he was here with me. No, I am not excusing him. I know that he was going through alot when it happened. It did break my heart, but I can’t imagine the things that he is going through. I am not a person to tolerate cheating, but I have forgiven him for this. I know that my husband is a good honest man and we have a wonderful life together. All I want is for him to safely return home to me. I have never cheated on him nor do i intend to. I just believe that he had an extreme moment of weakness and I can understand that, but it does not make it ok. I believe that once this is all over we can put this behind us and move on with our lives. My husband is not a “scumbag cheater”, just a man going through an extremely difficult time, who had one moment of weakness. I do not approve of cheating under any circumstances, but I do not believe that we should be so hard on our guys who are over there. Most do not set out to cheat, some never cheat, but there are some that make everyone look bad. My husband and I are more in love than we have ever been, and some of you make think that I am stupid for forgiving him. I know my husband and I hate what he is having to go through, and I support him through everything. We have made our peace with this and I suggest that the wives who do find out the horrible truth like I did, think things through before doing anything that they may later regret. I don’t believe what my husband did was punishable by divorce. There are some men who go over and act like they are single for the deployment, and those are the scumbags. In a high stress enviroment, people may do things that they would never do if they were SAFE at home. I would like to hear from anyone who is on the other side of this situation, like the husband who cheated, just so it might be easier for those of us who have found this out to deal with it. I have forgiven him, but I want to understand it better. I won’t bring it back up with him because he doesn’t need anymore stress on him than he already has. He is still deployed.

  232. Eric, though I agree with your sentiment, I think felony charges would never fly. The problem actually existed before deployment. Lack of a well founded support system for all our deployed troops and their families has a lot to do with it. Don’t mis-understand me, I do not condone cheating. But how many troops get married just before deployment? That group is not in any way prepared for such a separation!

    Then there are the young families with kids. There is no real way to prepare for what these families face at home and abroad. But good counseling and support would certainly help. I think the type of personalized help families get when they are told of their loss of a loved one would be a great help. Financial counseling, moral support, group sessions, grief counseling. But instead gear it for deployment.

    Multiple deployments is very tough. But many make it because they made it through the first one. Units like the Alaska SBCTs and the Night Stalkers have great support from what I see on their web. It is very organized, allows comments, provides daily updates, and loads of help on the side bar.

    This won’t help every situation; but, it sure would help many. Let’s face it, whether military or not, there are men, and women, who fall into the “low life scumbag category!” These people get hooked on the “high” of cheating. It never occurs to them they are hurting someone else. They don’t think about diseases. They lie about their affairs.

    These are the ones who deserve ‘special consequences” in my opinion. They are as bad as those “Jody’s [?]” the guys talk about. Predators that suck away at one’s self esteem.

    However, irregardless of which group those at home fall in, except the last ones who in my opinion could care less, people should never cheat on a deployed soldier. Get help. If the soldier deployed is cheating or feels he/she might, their ought to be help in the field without penalty that helps them get through whatever is making them cheat or consider it.

    I honestly feel that deployed troops cheat as much to see if they can “still feel something” or in a moment of intense feeling or reaction, such as fear, a close encounter with death, loss of a buddy, having had to kill, especially the first time, and a need at that moment to be held, comforted, and not alone. Their significant other isn’t there.

    Then there is some of the idea that they can’t share these times with their loved ones. Some soldiers I knew while serving didn’t want their significant other to know anything about what they experienced during war. One, they simply couldn’t talk about it period, two, to protect them, three, fear of what they would think if they knew what they were capable of doing if they had to when at war.

    But this is all conjecture on my part in trying to put myself in their places. Don’t any of you guys/gals have any comments or advice to add here. I can open up to non registered posting if enough interest is out there. Then you could make anonymous posts. This is to help people, not get them in trouble.

    Let me know if there is interest here!

  233. The troops have no means to defend their cheating spouses, just our country. It should b a felony for spouses caught doing this.
    I would really like to set up a foundation or law to implement this.

    • That is another double standard that is just stupid thinking. If a soldier cheats and there is proof, he or she should be demoted. If the spouse cheats, they should be called out in public and made fun of. There should be more consequences for all involved. Period.

  234. ReneeLeigh, thank you. You have made this whole blog worthwhile. My whole reason for it was to help someone else, even if it was just one person. I just honestly never expected it to be along these lines. For over 25 years I was in continuous therapy. Groups, individual, whatever was needed at the times. I learned the value the hard way of talking and sharing pain. I couldn’t afford to continue though I still need to go. When Mike died, I starting blogging. It kept me from relapsing!

    I have found your story and responses very helpful and wise. I hope you will continue to post as I know others will benefit from your remarks.

  235. Devildog6771, I’m glad I found this blog. It does make things easier when you can talk to people who are going through similar things. It has helped me, so I hope I can help someone else out too. =)

  236. Here! Here!

    I am truly amazed at the response to this post. This is by far the single most regularly viewed and commented post on this blog. Thank you all for sharing your stories, and/or offering your support. I have no intention of closing this post to comments as I feel it a very helpful post.

    We learn to heal and move on by talking and sharing our pain!

  237. Geminiokc, sorry about what you had to go through with all of those nights of stress and worry. Believe me I know how it feels. I too found out about the “other women” through cell phone bills and a couple of phone calls from those women. It seems to me that your girlfriend has moved on and is just too scared and/or ashamed to tell you about it until she comes back and actully HAS to deal with it. It is good that you didn’t get married. She just proved to you that she isn’t ready for it. This is just my opinion, but I personally wouldn’t take her back. For the fact that I don’t think she loves you; she wouldn’t have treated you like this if she did. And how will you be able to trust her now? There are a lot of good, decent women out there that you CAN trust and you sound like a smart, sweet, and caring person so I know you’ll be able to find one. You deserve it after dealing with this. =)

  238. i read the entire post, and i’m just baffled! It’s quite a saga, and I’m so sorry. I hope that you can pop smoke and break contact. that’s all the advise i can give.

  239. Tryingtomoveon, I am sorry about all you too have been through. You have given some sound advice. Now take one more step for yourself as I did.Find out why you stayed with him so long! I went to a program at the “Y” and as I said above I found out that all the signs were there that he was a jerk. I “enabled” his conduct by continuing to stay with him for almost ten years.

    The “Y” program is free! Call any “Y” hotline number anywhere in America and they ca tell you how to hook up with them!

  240. geminiokc:
    first of all, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I do not know you, but I do not want you to feel alone. I did when I first found out.

    First, I know you do not want to do this, but you need to leave! NO QUESTION. Your situation will never change unless you leave. TRUST ME.

    I was a family services leader, and I know for sure that the soldiers expext alot from their significant others(like on Army Wives, puke), but have a different standard for themselves.

    My ex-husband was TOP, and used it to every advantage (I had no idea)! he told me I was insecure. Trusting my instinct I found out that he had sex with everyone from the Capitain to priviates. Funny, that he noted the ranks lower than him as hors. And that he was a bit racist, yet the Captain was a black women and he is white. These type of people have two lives. One for family and the hero, and perfect family, second, they live these lives that their friends, family, or work peers are shocked to know exist! It’s amazing to me.

    The term I keep running into is narrsistic with these military relationshops. Being sound mind, think, the good ones sign up because they are smart, loyal, and want to make a different, the rest sign up because court told them to, or they felt lost in the world.
    We all want to believe that the soldiers we marry are the ones who really care. In my situation, I met one who I helped make it up the ranks and had sex with many he oversee. This is sad, and hurtful to me. I am over my ex, but it is taking me a long time to get over the trust I had in what “people in authority” tell me. My ex was as high up as they can go. I got him there.

    Do not stay with this person. My life is so much better without this person in my life. It is hard to leave. It took a long time to get over my ex., but I did. Remember, a good soldier is who stands behind him/her. Unfortately, a soldier’s family does not get paid or any recognition. I am the wife who left the big bronze star soldier. When in fact, my soldier had sex with everyone from the private to the captain and gave me and his girlfriends at home herpes.

    Leave. Do not look back!

  241. Geminiokc, thank you for your post. When your girlfriend said Bootcamp and AIT would be like going away to college, she was right. Her conduct was very immature and irresponsible. When young people go to college, the military or whatever, most are immature. Few are ready for marriage. Most are leaving home for the first time. Often those big “ideals” they were taught are put on hold as they begin their journey into adulthood.

    Your story is not an unfamiliar one in any circle. IO myself have on several occasions personally experienced a situation very much like yours.Of course the situation may have been different, it’s the relationship I am referring to. I even married a batterer.

    I finally took a program at the “Y” and it helped me a lot. First off, I learned, the signs for people like this are always there from the very beginning of the relationship. For instance, she always tried to rush the progress of the relationship. Her pursuit of you and then her rush for marriage, which thank God you didn’t do, were both clues. She did a lot of complaining about AIT. But, what bothered me was her complaint that her platoon was treated worse than the rest. I find that hard to believe. The DI’s are all following a program with very defined objectives and goals. Except for personality, they are all pretty much the same.

    But, let’s look at another issue which I personally had and have a problem with myself. Why do we get these losers? We pick people who treat us as we feel about ourselves. When we don’t feel good about ourself for some reason, we tend to get involved with people who re-enforce that image. We over look people who would treat us well because we do not feel good about ourselves. People who have a history of physical or sexual abuse will do so in the extreme.

    There is a feeling we get in the area just below the breastbone that pretty much tells us the truth about people and situations if we listen or take note of the feeling we have in that area in given circumstances.It is rarely wrong. But we often are reluctant or don’t trust that feeling and ignore it. We must learn to listen and trust the feeling we get there. Again, it is rarely wrong.

    You have done very well with this whole thing. You checked out your suspicions. Granted you felt guilt. But, she really didn’t give you an alternative. Be very glad you two didn’t get married.
    In relationships you must learn how to protect yourself yet develop trust at the same time. Trust is earned over time in relationships not immediately given. That doesn’t mean assume everything the other person says or does is a potential lie, etc.. It means don’t blindly accept blindly accept everything as the truth or everyone as truthful.

  242. LIFE WAS GREAT TILL BOOT CAMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!wow, i just read almost everyone of the responses left by spouses dealing with infedelity, and i have to say i feel you 110% Although my story is a bit different from everyone elses! you see, my fiancee and I were one of the strongest relationships of anyone i know. When we first got together she had just recently joind the military, and i was aware of this, we werent looking for a relationship, but through her persistance, and pursuit of me, finally won me over!!! I was living with a friend of mine at the time and decided to get us an apt. becuase our feelings for eachother were getting stronger! All of this was great even though we knew she would be leaving for boot-camp like 3 mo. from that time, we still made the best of our situation and lived our lives to the fullest, we were unsepperable and everyone knew we were falling in love. Well i got her a cell phone before she left becuase i wanted to be able to communicate with her anytime they would let us verbally, aside from the many letters i wrote her while she was there as well!! Before she left i talked with her frequently of the hardships we were going to face and how as long as we were strong in our commitment, that no force on this planet or person, or army could take that from us, and she agreed!! I even bought the dvd collection “OVER THERE” becuase i had already seen it and felt it would make good points in what we were going to face ,now and in the future when she was deployed! I always made sure she understood that no. 1 most important thing was communication, and that we should not lose this at any cost, becuase it would be the strength for the foundation of our relationship! She totally agreed and promised to be honest with me, faithfull, and loving the whole time she was there…. after all it was only 5 and a half mo, and she was not being shot at or any of the other casualties of war, yet!!! Anyways March 21st 2007 she shipped off to camp, it was one of the hardest things i thought i would ever have to endure, watching my woman leave me and not being able to see her for 2+ mo. But i was strong met her at the airport to say good-bye, and off she went. The next 2 mo. were hard but bare-able. I wrote her a letter every other day no lie and she wrote me 2 a wk and got a phone call every Sun night. I even quit smoking for her while she was gone to prove my commitment to her, and also to surprise her on graduation day!! Well what seemed like an eternity finally ended and her graduation day came 🙂 I was so happy to see her it was insane. I bought her a new cell phone becuase her old one was a loner i had given her and felt that it would make her happy to have a nice new one as a present for doing such an awesome job!! well family day we got to spend a little time with her about 9 hrs. but that hardly seemed like enough time!! We went out to eat talked about how much we loved and missed each other and how we hoped that her new platoon the following day would get a weekend pass so we could spend even more time together, to just unwind and put everything in to focus to prepare for the next few mo.s That was part of the problem with how this all started! You see we were told that basic training was the pits for her, limited callind, communication, ect…. but once she got to AIT everything would change. They would get there cell phones everynight for an hour, get week-end passes to go out, off base and it was almost like being in college! So we looked forward to her getting to the second phase of her training, so we could communicate more, and i was thrilled myself! The day she arrived at AIT they did not get a weekend pass, her new drill seargents said they had not earned one yet, and would not get one until they did! She was devistated, and i wasn’t happy but took it for what it was worth, helped her to hold her head up strong, and told her it was ok, we would get through this, and as soon as she got a week-end pass I would be there in a flash to see her!! I did however get to go on base one last time to drop off some off her things she left in the hotel, and say good-bye. She gave me an army bag full of dirty clothes (lol) to send home with me, kissed me and told me she was glad she got to see me one more time before i left, and we parted. I got back home later on and in the army bag she had left me a card that one you opened it up, it started singing the shania twain song “Your still the one” and put all her thought inside the card as well, which lit me up inside because my woman was so thoughtful, oh one other thing during the course of our relationship, and while she had been in boot-camp she discussed with me very vividly her desire to marry me, and would finish all her letters with “your future wife…..” So i was feeling her and was head over heels in love, she was perfect 🙂 For the next few weeks it was exactley as we imagined. She got her phone every night for personal time and would not hesitate to call me, she also would sneak it during the day and text me little sweet messages that truly made my day, i was so happy i couldn’t contain myself! I would wake in the middle of the night to her texting me during fire guard and that just made it that much sweeter to me!! She was telling me however this whole time that they were treating them like crap, way worse than the other platoons and the stress was seriously starting to wear on her. I told her to remain strong, do what they said and come back to me, in alot more words and more sincere,but you get the point! I also was still writing her, and sending her care packages ect…. Well everything seemed to be going ok until June 26th 2007, cause on june 24th she text me just like always telling me how much she loved me! On the 26th however she called me and told me that the drill seargents found an empty liquer bottle on the the 2nd floor of her barracks and all the girls were being moved from the 3rd floor to the first, and was not happy about this at all. I told her i was sorry, i knew she had not done anything to cause it, and just do what they told her, she said ok and this is where things changed dramatically!!!! The next nite while at work around the same time she always called me, i text her and said “hey honey i love you, i hope i get to hear from you tonight” just as encoureging words to let her know that even though it was sucking there that there was still a strong reality with us, and that everything would be ok!! She text back, “sorry honey can’t, love you” i said ok, i understood and hopefully tommorow! next night came text her again, same response….but i took it for what it was worth, and preceeded the same way. As i had said earlier i was still writting her, and had sent a letter prior to this about 3-4 days which by this time had arrived! in the letter i talked about our plans for marriage, that we had sort of discussed prior to me being there, and how much i loved her, missed her, was FAITHFULL to her and couldnt wait to see her when she got back!!! Well that 3rd night, ill never forget….. she text me with this message…..( “there is something i have to tell you…i dont want to break up with you, but right now i think we need to take a break! I am so stressed out right now and i am breaking down mentally and physically, the guilt of not being able to write you back or text you when i want to is killing me, and its only getting worse!!! I love you and can’t wait to be your wife but right now i have to focus on this. Im sorry babe but if i dont im going to go crazy!!!”) At first it wasa huge shock to me to be hearing these words from the person that i loved, becuase usually when a woman says she wants a break its because they met someone else!!!!! So i said no honey, i dont want to lose you, im sorry whatever i did, i didnt mean too, please dont let them do this to us, we discussed this, dont let them take our love away!!!!! I didnt understand, how couldthis be happening, then i asked did you meet someone-else? I dont understand what does a break mean? while i was typing this she replied….(” your not losing me, or i you, just please understand i need to work on this right now, and as soon as things settle down everything will be ok again i promise”) right after that she answered my other question the one about meeting someone and text back….(“no! what do i have to say to explain its the stress of this place sweety, i cant handle all of it”) ………………….I thought about this for a few min, based on the stress she was going through that i couldn’t possibly understand back home and the strength of our relationship thus far and i replied….(” Honey i am just confused, i am not mad at you i just dont understand. But i trust you, have from the start, and I LOVE YOU, so i will do whatever it is you ask of me!!!”) She then replied (“Thank you for being understanding honey, I LOVE YOU too”)………………………………. I then didnt hear from her again until 2 days later on a sunday morning at 6:35, she text me and said she did miss me, and did think about me still!!! which made my day yet again, i took that as oppertunity to tell her i was sorry for stressing her out, that i never meant too, i prayed for it to get easier for them and i loved her!!!! She said she knew, but it was something she had to do for her. I didnt hear from my girl again till that following tues july 3rd 2007 when she text me from a wierd no. to tell me she got her phone taken away, because she took it to class and got cuaght with it!!! she didnt call me on the 4th to wish me a happy 4th but she did her mom and dad :(, and also told them that she wouldnt get her phone back till August! Nope i didnt hear from her from that point for the next 2 1/2 weeks, not a text, smoke signal, nothing:( 😦 😦 😦 I didnt hardly eat, i tossed and turned in bed all night long, and felt so confused!!!! I talked with several people i knew about what could possibly be going on, some having been in the military, and some that knew my girl. And whether it was good advice they gave me or so-so i knew that i wouldnt fully not know until she talked to me. And again i loved her and had 110% faith in her/us so i did not want to jump to any conclusions and make it worse that it was on her!!!!!! If what i wasn’t already going through was enough my mother calls me and tells me my grandma passed away!! So then it all started…..that night im checking the mail, and i get her phone bill in this huge envolope? So i open it to see whats so important, and i find that her cell bill is 224.38? This did not make much sense to me becuase all of her incoming calls on the phone were free, all she had to do was call someone and have them call her back! plus i put unlimited texting on there as well? so i sit down and look at it…. the reason the bill was in such a huge package is becuase it was all itemized down to every last text message sent and every phone call that was made from june 3rd till july 3rd the night she got the phone taken!!!! I start digging further, and find gut wrenching evidence that my woman was lying to me 😦 you see i referenced the statements with when everything first started happening, more importantly when she said she couldnt call me or text me when she wanted too, and i found out that not only could she text when ever she still felt like it, but she could call during these times, and after, and not only that but that is exactly what she was doing!!!! Furthermore different people in general, but one certian no. that kept popping up back to back to back, all times of the night, and day! to add insult to injury she was texting this person the whole time she was saying for the 2 days she couldnt but even more devastating before, during, and after that famous text she sent me on June 29th 2007 telling me we needed a break!!!!! I was now pretty upset but even then somehow i still had faith in our relationship….
    I felt again like i couldn’t go rushing to conclusions, becuase i didnt know who this person was, and needed to wait till i had the proof so that i could make a somewhat rational decision to all of this!!! So i got out my laptop and went surfing on the wonderful internet…..found a website willing to give me information on the phone no. in paticular, paid the dues, and waited about a day to get the results! When they finally emailed me, i almost didnt want to know the results becuase i was pretty convinced it was not a girl on the end of this no. But i looked anyway, and sure enough at the end of the results was the an address where this person was from, the state, county,……and the name JASON, even as i tell you this i still remained calm and tried to asses the situation where it turned out positive in conclusion!! But i now knew that she was texting this guy and calling him this whole time that she was telling me she couldnt! 😦 I was starting to have a nervous break down and i could feel it coming,becuase at this point i realized she had lied to me for the first time in our relationship, or so i thought!! but i kept faith and did more research, as exhuasting as it was to find all this out now:( i decided to call my phone company to put together more parts of this puzzle. So i ask them from the 3rd of june (when she said she got her phone taken away) till this date i was calling on had there been any texts outgoing or calls made from this no. Most of the operators were not any help at all, telling me that they were not allowed to divuldge that information even though it was my phone account in question????? So i said whatever and kept calling back until i got someone that was sympathetic to my situation, and thats when i found out that sure enough there were texts being sent out during the time in question……….. I was now furious, I realized that she had not only lied about not being able to talk to me, she lied about not getting her phone back until August, but worse she was still using it and stil not talking to me……………..So now i had all the information i needed, so i hung up with the phone company, and text her with the following message………….(“You need to be real honest with me right now, do you have your phone, Im going to give you one hour to answer me back!!!!”)……within 2 min her special ringtone screamed from my phone telling me i had a text from her! At that min i knew i was on top of something!!!!!!! She replied (“Yeah i got it back last night, but has been dead on the charger, cant talk right now though got to go to class bye”)…… so i knew i was right and said (“Yeah, we need to talk soon”) I didnt know how to feel honestly, for one it was the first personal contact i had with her in going on three weeks, but i quickly reminded myself of why i had text her in the first place, and that feeling was held back, as im dealing with this in my head she texts again and says (” And who in the F%*% are you too tell me that i need to answer you back in an hour, when you know damn good and well i have class, and PT in the morning, and i wanted to say becuase appearently that dont matter since you’ve been texting this guy at all hours of the night and day, but rather than lose total communication with her at that point i said (” I thought the person you loved and would never LIE too “)………….which she replied(“I don’t have time for this right now, have to go to class talk to you later bye”) I didnt know what to think, i felt hurt, mad, confused, somehow still felt like i was jumping to conclusions, becuase as you can see i still had no real answers!! So I called her mom becuase she had been a major help in all of this with me to some extent even though she felt like she didnt know her own duaghter anymore, and told her what information i had been given!!! I know this wasn’t the best information to give her mom but she felt the same way about this as me so it was almost like i would be lying to her if i didnt. So after much debate, i finally was told that she was going to call me that afternoon, so i could finally rest somewhat at that point!! Well that afternoon came and she texts her mom to tell that she had her wisdom teeth pulled that afternoon and was on medication, couldnt call and also lost her phone??? Which at this point i figured was bull-crap! But it turned out to be true, so i cut off the phone!! but you see this time she screwed up becuase her mom called me and told me this information based on the fact that someone had called her and told her, and her brother called me and told me that my girl had text him…… So i asked each of them the no. they had both gotten this information via, and do you know to my disbelief that they both told me the same no. which turned out to be his!!!! and they had no clue till i told them!! Well again i tossed and turned that night leading up to the next morning, when i had to get up and drive 3 hours south to bury my grandma 😦 On my way down there i decided that if she wasn’t going to talk to me, that he damn sure better after all if nothing was going on, then they had nothing to worry about right? So i text him for the first time and say…..(“JASON, im trying to be real cool with you right now, and im asking you to stand up and be a man, and let me know whats going on with you and my girl, no bs just truth”) I waited like ten min, no response, i then said (“Look i know you both have been talking day and night becuase its all over OUR phone records, so just tell me, i puased said “if ya’ll are just friends thats cool, but i need to know after all we are engaged”) about 2 min went by and he responded…… (“Hey man we are just friends, she has been going through alot here, and i have just been someone for her too talk too”) I gave him the benifit of the doubt, 1 becuase he didnt have to answer me back but 2 becuase i didnt want to believe my girl was CHEATING ON ME!!! So i said “Look you seem to talk to her more than i do, so when you see her, tell her I LOVE HER, and if she would just talk too me this would be all better”) Well about 15 min went bye, and then he text back she wanted to know what i was going to do about the phone? Which i was like uh she lost it, i cut it off, there is no phone!! I told him i couldnt deal with that right now becuase i was about to bury my grandma, and i put my phone down and stepped on to the cemetary grounds and dealt with the loss of my grandparent. So about 4 hours later she calls me, which i was amazed i was hearing her voice, and tell her i love her, and miss her, and all i wanted was to hear her voice and everything was alright…………………………(Then she told me something i was not entirely prepared for, and that was we needed to break up, the stress of having a boyfriend back home, and dealing with all the crap they were putting her through, was driving her insane, and if she could just get done, and come home back to me that everything would be ok, and we could sit down and work everything out when she got home!!!!!!!!!!!!! and do you know i believed her, worse than that, i even said it, i told her i totaly understood, and as long as she was being honest with me, and not using this as an excuse to go have sex with someone then i was cool with it, and at the same time i asked her was she going to be faithfull to me during the time that we were broke up, and without hesitation she said “YES” I was so happy to hear the words that i said ok, and that was it…. she said ok and said she had to go, and i let her!!! thinking to myself, she didnt even ask about the phone, which was why she was supposed to be calling for in the first place!! well then she called back becuase she remembered!! So she asks what about the phone? I tell her what about it, you lost it, and now i have to replace it, and you will now be home in about 3 weeks, so it doesn’t make sense to spend more money when your jusr going to be home soon anyways, plus we are now broke up…. so we would need to talk about this more when she got home, and if she felt we could work things out, then i would turn the phone back on, and everything would be ok!!!!! So at this point, i actually felt a little bit better, not entirely, but somewhat, becuase at least i wasn’t having to stress about her anymore……at least i didnt think so, yeah right…i went right back to tossing and turning all night just like before and it was really starting to take its toll on me again, only this time becuase i realized i now had to wait 3 to 3 1/2 more weeks to possibly find out the truth, or not and work it out with her becuase i love her that much to listen and figure it out…….as crazy as this may sound especially coming out of my mouth i was actually contemplating on if she had cheated on me, and was honest about it…….. that i might forgive her, there i said it, i truly thought that

    I know complete retard huh, its crazy how you feel when your in love……….so finally now after all this i had been put through i could possibly come to an agreement with myself, and just relax until she got home, I wish this is where the story ended but it dont, you see actually this is probably where it should have began..(4 days after we have now been broke up the story continues………………..last night im in bed early, i went to sleep around 6 becuase i was up since the night before still stressed out over this, around 8:30 i get a phone call its her, she realizes i was asleep and tells me she will call back tomorrow, which i quickly say, its ok, im awake whats up? so she said ok, i was just wondering since we last talked becuase i didnt entirely understand what was going on with the phone…….well you know i was like here we go with the damn phone again…. so i said what do you not understand, 1 I explained it already, and 2 you lied to me. She says what did i lie about? I tell the fact that you told me you couldnt call or text me, and the whole time your textin this guy JASON, and you still haven’t told me yourself about him, and i have proof becuase of the phone records…! at that very moment she hung up on me, but you see she got sloppy this time and you will soon see why, becuase i was able to text her back from the no. she had just called me from, and i said (” where did you go?”) well like a min later she calls me back, and tells me we lost connection, but we needed to talk about this tomorrow, and i said “NO” we need to talk about this right now!!!! cuase i was fed up and felt like she needed to tell me. So she proceeded to tell me, that it was crazy stressfull there and i would never understand becuase i wasn’t going through it, and JASON was just a friend that she could talk too, and that she had told me that she just needed to get through this and get back home, and we could work things out, but now becuase i kept hasseling her about it, she wasn’t sure if that was going to be possible!!!! again like this is my fault…. and i said you know what i dont either, and for the first time when she hung up on me i felt relieved…………. so i went back to sleep, only this time i didnt toss and turn, becuase i had finally said my peace! And then as if GOD sent an angel himself an hour later as a lay asleep i felt the bed vibrate a pulses from my phone?…….so i immeadiatly picked it up thinking it was my girl texting me to try and talk to me again, cuase that was her style, so i read it and it says…..(“Nowhere ive been at work, what u been up too?”)……? I was bewildered at first, thinking why would she text that…..didnt make any sense, then i realized, it wasn’t her it the person that owned the phone, and they thought they knew me, and was texting me back!!!!! and thats when it hit me…i possibly now had the oppertunity i had wished for, to be able to talk to someone there that knew her with an unbiased opinion and might possibly be honest with me for a change, so i text back…….(” Oh im sorry that text was for my girl earlier when she called me from your phone…this is her now ex-boyfriend Brian……i paused and said but can i ask you a Question? A few seconds later, they replied and said,(” Brian? is this the guy that sent her the beautiful proposal letter in the mail?”) and i told them of course and explained what it looked like……..and they said (“you are so romantic, that was so sweet!!!!”) they then replied….(“Whats your question hun”) at that point not only did i know i was truly about to find out what was really going on, this was a girl i was talking to which meant she could get even closer to her than the guys 🙂 So i asked her to call me………………..the phone rang i answered, the voice on the other end was very sweet, and said so whats your Question hun?……i stopped not believing i was going to be able to finally ask, and said…(“Has she been FAITHFULL to me while shes been there?) almost not even really wanting to know the answer that i so desperatly been searching for!!! The girl then took a deep breath and said that first wanted to explaine to me who she was, that she was a sgt. and wasa hold over becuase she broke her pelvic bone in like 9 places, but had come to know my girl becuase they had become friends, but also becuase she was friends with this guy JASON, and he was a hold over also, but he was going to prison, becuase he had done some bad things and was, manipulative, lying, kaniving person, and she seen him talking to my girl, even though she didnt really know how close we were or weren’t, she did remember the letter and found it odd that she was talking to him, and told her what kind of person he was, and she swore upand down that she was just friends!!!…………. then she took a deep breath and said i really dont want to be in the middle of this, or be the one to answer your question, but if you must know……………NO SHE HAS NOT BEEN FAITHFULL TO YOU BRIAN…………………..she then told me the horrific details becuase i asked her to for a sense of self acceptence i think that made the beginning of her infedelity of me, shethen proceeded to say that it was no secret on base that they were together and had done what they had done……………

    Which at that moment i wanted to go mad, i wanted to feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, i wanted to feel so many things but i couldnt feel anything…..she then said im sorry that i had to tell you, but i felt like you deserve to know….that she had this happen to her more than once in her lifetime and didnt feel what she was doing was right and if you need me to talk to about this any further i will be here for you, that everything would be ok………. which here i sit going on 4 hours of typing this letter to let everyone that takes the time to read this that life doesnt have to be this way, even through all that you have heard that i went through i have remained faithfull, i never cheated on her once while she was gone, i quit smoking, still havent picked up a ciggerette and in light of everything over all i think will be ok, i am kicking her out, becuase she lied so many times, but also becuase truly i need to be able to move on……………….. DEVILDOG/ OR RENEELEIGH, i read alot of your comments throughout this site probably what influenced me to write this inthe first place……………if you have any words of wisdom or encouragment i am here to listen, thank you and GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!

    • What a Guy from another Guy keep your Faith and Morals do not let them be shaped by someone you loved that had no values. It is hard but you said GOD BLESS and he will bless you. Put God First and anyother relationship 2nd. May he bring you a true love to walk with you in faithfullness to your sunset years.

  243. I think you may be right. I just remembered I did a post on this recently. Your advice sounds good!

  244. devildog…I think that term the troops use is a “Jody” =)

  245. Concerned and confused, since you said that you know he hasn’t actually had sex with this woman, I would just wait and see if he comes forward and tells you about it for now. Even though it still hurts because it was an intimate act. Do you know when his R&R is coming up? Maybe you can have a heart to heart talk with him then so you can be face to face and just ask him in a non accusing way if he’s been intimate with someone else and go from there. He might be relieved to get it off of his chest and then maybe you can get some answers and piece of mind for yourself too. But this is just my opinion. =) You sound like a strong woman that has a strong marriage to me, so i’m sure everything will turn out fine. =)

  246. First off, you say they haven’t slept together. I assume you mean they haven’t had “sex.” Personally, I am not sure what you mean by cheating in this case. Maybe my inexperience in such matters is showing. I would wonder how you “found out ” he “cheated.”

    Inability to sleep and emotional shut down seem to be frequent symptoms of those deployed, especially in areas where enemy activity is high. I don’t know if he has ever been in combat before. But, that doesn’t really matter. What natters is what he is experiencing now and that hew finds an acceptable means of coping.

    I would not bring the subject up now. He does need to stay focused for his safety and the safety of others. None of us back at home knows how we would react or act in combat until we actually are there. That doesn’t mean anything goes for the deployed. But, with what they live with day and night, every day, life and death, away from their loved ones, away from the safety of home, I believe things can occur that would never have occurred back home.

    Maybe you do or do not sense guilt from him. Only he can say for sure. But, you are smart to let it go for now. If you have the relationship you described, I would not let what may have or might happen destroy that trust. If all he did was a kiss or simply the comfort of an embrace that was carried no further, I am not sure that would be cause for concern. It may have been simply an innocent response to something that happened that will never be repeated again.

    In your gut, you know the right answers here. Trust your own judgment. If you know your guy and someone has told you he cheated, maybe you might want to question their motive. One of the biggest concerns of the deployed is that some guy or gal back home will prey on their spouse or loved one at a needy time because they are away. I don’t remember what the term is; but, the troops have one for one of these people.

    Maybe someone else has some better suggestions. If so, please post a comment.

  247. one more thing. can it be true that sometimes infidelity has nothing to do with the relationship, that it can really be “just sex?”

  248. My husband and I have an extremely close relationship, we are best friends and tell each other EVERYTHING. Since he has been deployed, I found out that he cheated. He does not know that I know. He did not sleep with this girl, but they did do ohter things. (I know this for a fact) He has been acting extremly different since this has happened and has told me he has problems sleeping at night. He makes small comments to me that make me feel like he is trying to confess to me, without acctually telling me. I will not bring up the issue with him because his safety comes first and I believe that he will confess when he comes home. Like I said we tell each other everything. He has never cheated before, that is why this is so surprising and painful. I know that he loves me, I have never doubted that. Even though he has been unfaithful, I still feel secure in our relationship. My husband is an emotional man, but right now i can tell he is emotionally shut down. There is no relationship with this girl, they just had duty together for one day. When I asked about who he had duty with that day, he even told me about her. What I want to know is what is he going through to make him do such a thing? Is it possible that this is the beginning of his infidelity and he might do it again? Or is it possible that he truly feels guilty about this and it was just a one time thing? I think cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone you love and he has always agreed, I would love to hear from anybody that has been in a similar situation. Does this really mean that something, somewhere is wrong with our marriage?? I can forgive him for this, but I am just trying to understand it right now. He still has a very long time before he comes home. How do I handle this when we are going to be apart for so much longer? If he truly feels guilty about it, which I believe he does, how can I make sure the guilt does not put him in any danger while he is still there. What he did is not ok, but I am more concerned about his mentality and safety right now. I need some guidence.

  249. I have been amazed at the response this post has drawn. I appreciate each and every single comment. There is much pain and suffering here. There is also much hope and the companionship of sharing by those who have shared their stories. God Bless you all. Thank you for sharing your stories. You have probably helped many women and men in similar situations.

  250. P.S. from my last notes to Angela “Trust me on that one”. I never did cheat on my husband. But I was the family services leader a few times, and I know what happens when they get home. It’s hard to sleep next to someone that you lied to. I’ve had many phone calls in the middle of night. I am not judging. I would never do that. I truly trust everyone’s choice, and hope that it is right for them.
    My situation does not warrent me to judge others. I promise. I can only tell you what I know.

  251. devildog6771 and ReneeLeigh,
    Thank you so much for the words. The definitely help! I am a smart woman with a great job in the civilian side of things. But not living on a base or even near a base leads to isolation regarding these types of issues (which my ex-husband wanted). So it was so comforting to me to read your notes. I don’t feel so alone with all that happens to military families when the member cheats, lies and is abusive. THANK YOU!!!
    By the way, I did start seeing a therapist to help me deal with this. I definitely need to address my choices.

    Angela. I hope your choice works out for you. It’s not that each of you will not know about the affairs that wreck the marriage when he comes home. It’s you knowing that you were unfaithful to him, and can not talk about it that will destroy it. Trust me on that one.

  252. Tryingtomoveon, no one deserves to be called names like that. And if I was you, I’d have a few choice words for him myself. Especially since it sounds like he was using PTSD as an excuse to sneak around. I know the longer you’re with someone, the harder it is to get over especially with children involved. You’re very lucky he didn’t pass anything on to you if you know what i mean. Good job for finally standing up for yourself and getting out of that situation. It was the right choice for you and your son. Good luck to you!! Things will get better. =)

  253. Angela, A year and a half is a long time, but there’s always R&R. What about respecting each other? I don’t know if you believe in God, but aren’t marriage vows suppose to be sacred? You said that you are still completely devoted to one another, but sleeping with other people while married is not devotion. I mean, why get married? Unless of course it is one of those contract marriages for money that alot of people have no problem doing these days either.

  254. Tryingtomoveon, I stayed married to a batterer for almost ten years. After I threw him out then divorced him. I completely understand how you feel. I too felt the same way. I got help. I found out that I married a man who treated me the way I felt about myself. He also cheated. All the signs are there that these men [and women] are like this, we just won’t look at them. You hope they will “settle down or change” after marriage. They don’t! However, the bottom line here is our own contribution as enablers to their behavior. Do yourself a favor and find out through therapy why you married him or, statistically, you will find another man just like him. He is at least guilty of mental battering. Go to the free program at your local “Y.” They also provide baby sitting free while you attend the meetings. I went for three years and they do help!

  255. Angela, I found your comments surprising. Few women and few men could handle such an arrangement. I personally could not. That doesn’t mean that I think you both are wrong. I say if it works for you both, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

  256. I think it’s okay to cheat but I didn’t always feel that way. My husband and I married 8 months before he deployed. That deployment is now a year and a half long. It didn’t take long for us to have the cheating conversation. Especially for the deployment. At first it was never – no no no. But then it came back around where both of us were just lonely and just needing someone to fill each other’s places even for just one night. We talked and talked and talked about it. We now have an agreement. Because the REALITY of it is… a year and a half IS a LONG time no matter how much love you have for one another. The romantic in me says never the realist in me says okay. So now we just have it set that on deployments ONLY he can do his thing and I can do mine and we aren’t going to talk about it with eachother. It’s just there. When we talk on the phone everything is the way it should be. He misses me and tells me so and I miss him and tell him so. We are still completely devoted to one another but this way no one has to be lied to or be the liar. This isn’t his first deployment and it isn’t going to be his last either. He is going to be out deployed more than he will be home. So let’s be REAL.

  257. I was married to a soldier for 10 years. Two years into the marriage I found out about an affair. As advised, I sat down and asked him if he was cheating on me and why. He called me fat, insecure, crazy, etc. but said I was his solemate, and was very in love with me. Because we had a child, and I wanted to make it work, I stayed with him. Right before his deployment to Iraq three years ago, he pleged his love for me and remarried me in the church. While he was away I found letters, e-mails, etc. He told me that he had post traumtic stress syndrom. I hung in there for anohter year….10 years all together. His two years away gave me time to build back my self esteem. One month after our 10 year anniversary I finally had to the nerve to search his cds, computer, etc. I found CD’s, pictures and letters between him and many women. His letters all had the same scenerio. Army HERO, who just needs love, and attention. By the way, he loved wearing the uniform, and wore it constantly for the attention he received.
    He had been having affairs with these women for over 10 years. HE had promised them each many things. None knew about the others. One of his main girls had active herpes, all of his letters indicated that he never used condoms.
    While in Iraq, he was having an affair with a captain. And after he left her, he had the herpe girl pick him up at the airport during his two week leave. Then they headed to a hotel. My son and I waited until 1:00AM for him to get home, and believe him when he told us his plane was late.
    Luckily, I divorced him one year after he came home from deployment. I never told the military. It doesn’t do any good. The officials don’t care about the families very much. I e-mailed one e-mail to all of the girls (16 total), and let them know that they may contact each other with questions regarding STDs.
    It’s been over a year since my divorce, but I am still in shock. I am strong for my son, and have moved on. But inside my heart is broken, and my spirit damaged. I moarn a marriage and family that I beleived I had, not him. I just don’t know how to get over this. For myself and my son.

  258. Kelsey, I am so sorry that this has happened to you. However, ReneeLeigh has some very valid points.

  259. Kelsey, that is terrible. I don’t know how people can say they love someone over and over while they are waiting back home worrying about them and then they turn around and cheat like it’s no big deal. I know it sucks, but at least you found out how he was before actually marrying him and wasting years of your life before finding out.

  260. i just found out this week that my boyfriend of 2 years cheated on me…the worst part is a majority of it was before he left for iraq while out in san antonio…and then afterwards…how could he possibly write me and tell me to wait for him and he loves me after he knew what he did…i now know the person i THOUGHT i knew, was not that person at all….and it is devastating!

  261. If two people want to cheat, they will do so whether in war or not. There are rules and regulations in the military, but the military is not a babysitter. I don’t mean to minimize your pain. Nor do I condone the actions of those who cheat.

    There is another whole issue here. In combat, there is never a let up. You can’t go out to the bar with your friends or Saturday night. You can’t get a babysitter to take the kids for a few hours. After a while all you have is the moment and each other just to survive. Everything else sometimes seems so unreal and very far away, out of reach.

    When the numbness and emptiness that hits so many soldiers sets in, I am sure many of the cheaters are trying to fill that void. Others would cheat regardless, same as civilians. I don’t condone either. But neither have I walked in their shoes. However I still say most do not cheat!

    What makes the difference, I don’t know.

  262. I too was married to an Army man and he ended up cheating on me and lieing his ass off about it until the army girl he was sleeping with tracked down our home phone number and I had a nice little chat with her. She had known my husband was married to me when this all happened too which really pisses me off. But what I don’t get is that I always hear that men and women are not to hang around each other and mess around especially in a war zone or they can get in major trouble. If it is supposedly so strictly enforced then how the hell is it going on over there as much as it is?? My next door neighbor is engaged to an army man and his best friend ended up getting an army chick pregnant in Iraq and she was fricken married. Why is this being allowed to happen?? I’m just glad I’m not married to that bastard anymore.

  263. I wish you the best. I hope everything works out beat for you. God Bless.

  264. Matters of the heart are definitely difficult to give advice on because at the end of the day, people know their own limits as well as what they will, wont, should, or shouldnt do. Further, people know their own partners and what they are willing to put up with and work through or not. I think in my case, a lot of the issues are immaturity and not really understanding commitment, as well as, communications of what is expected in terms of honesty, fidelity, etc. While Im not trying to make excuses, I think that plays a big part although some things you would think are just common sense (i.e. if you are in a committed relationship, you don’t cheat and you damn sure dont lie).However, some people are just not able to be rehabilitated. Not to say that he is one of those, Im at the point where I have to decide if I have enough patience to stick around and see if its worth my time and future.

  265. […] ten posts is one I wrote based on something that came up on a forum I frequent. The post is called, “Cheating Military spouses??.” Periodically a wife or girlfriend would write a post about their devastation over finding out that […]

  266. Ladybug, I am relieved that my comments helped. It is always a risky task to try to give people advice. But, with affairs of the heart, it is even more risky.

  267. Thanks devildog6771…your reply makes a lot of sense. i know that it will be extremely difficult for me during future deployments but i try not to think about it too much. it just gets difficult when you hear so many horror stories about spousal infidelity and actually having to had gone through it. Everyone views him as a hero and are so excited for us getting married and here I am knowing a completely different side of him. But thank you for your reply 🙂

  268. I think you should both go to see a counselor together. I suggests a LCSW because I have found them easier to work with. However, you can not forgive over night. You also can not keep hanging it over his head. Just below your breast bone you have an area that always tells you where you stand if you will listen to it. If he is truly sorry, you can not worry about the future deployments. You need to deal with the here and now first.

    In combat, some men and women cheat because it makes them feel something when they otherwise feel dead inside. That doesn’t make it right, just a little more understandable. Others cheat no matter where they are. Both still hurt just as much! It is all about trust. it doesn’t happen overnight. It is developed and nurtured slowly.

  269. I am faced with a similar situation. My boyfriend, whos in the Marines, cheated on me with a female in the Army while deployed in Iraq (first deployment) and I had the pleasure of finding out via emails that she was sending him after it seemed he attempted to cut it off. There was even scares of possible STD transmission, but it came back clean. We decided to work through that and since he’s been back, there of course have been ups and downs, and trying moments. He has proposed and Im just worried that if all of this has happened early on in the relationship, will it just transfer over into a marriage? I have seen him make a lot of efforts and changes and he seems remorseful but its just hard for me to really get over everything because the wounds are still fresh. My other concern is what if he has to go on a 2nd deployment, will he just get better at cheating or has he really learned his lesson?

    • i’m looking for some help to get some support and information on who could contact about my childsupport. i don’t know that i can trust his comanding officer cause he goes back to my husband and tells him what i said. i’m no longer with my husband but we aren’t divorced or seprated and he’s not paying for anything. could you please help me and get some information for me thank you. you can e-mail me @

  270. my fiance is leaving for iraq on the 16th of may and i think hes going to cheat what do i do

  271. Politics of a Patriot, I totally agree with you about those back home and cheating. I realize how hard it is for them; but,their life is not in jeopardy!

    Thank you for your very kind words about my nephew. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your service and all your sacrifices. Know there are many of us at home who support you all and are so proud of you all!

  272. I work on a fort and within a one week time period, I had four people tell me about their spouse cheating on them. In two cases it was the spouse and in another two cases it was the military member.

    I do not excuse it at all when the military member cheats, but it absolutely disgust me when those back home cheat. We should be doing all we possibly can to see that we support them in every way possible.

    Thank you for your very raw perspective on the loss of your nephew. Sadly, I can identify with your story far more than I wish I could. It was well said and very accurate. Thank you.

  273. Thank you Terri. You have given some great advice and insight into the problem.

  274. wonderingwife, many times when the troops are deployed, the thigs that they’re dealing with over there… i.e., seeng innocent killed and severely injured, their best friend dying in their arms…. is really difficult for them to deal with. The military culture and our culture in America teaches men to “suck it up” and not show their feelings. Part of the reason they may not be communicating, is their wish to protect their spouse and children from the harsh horrific things that they’ve seen or had to do in the warzone. From someone who is dealing with a loved one who is deployed, but also works on a military base with soldiers, we see it both with deployed men and women both. Sometimes they feel that their spouses may think badly of them if they talk about what they saw or had to do.

    As far as spouses cheating, I’ve seen it happen both ways. It’s never a pretty situation, but you can deal with it. Either the spouse cheating while the soldier is deployed or the soldier cheating, either while deployed or after they return. Sometimes conbat stress or PTSD comes to play other times, they’re just one of those people who don’t believe in committment. It’s not anything that’s just strictly military. Unfortunately it happens in all walks of life. I’ve worked as a counselor and so have seen this a lot in all walks of life. If you suspect it’s going on, confront the situation. Decide for yourself if your marriage is worth saving and if so, get counseling for both of you both jointly and separately. If it’s not worth trying to work it out, get counseling for yourself to help you deal with it. There’s no fsst or perfect answer as each situation is different. Whatever you do, attempt to make the situation as smooth as possible, ESPECIALLY if there are children involved. They’re the ones who tend to suffer the most in these situations. Whatever you do, DON’T trash the other parent in front of the child, because regardless of the situation, they are still the child’s parent and it’s not fair to a child to have their parents use them as a way to manipulate each other.

  275. well i didnt have that option. if u remember — he disappeared on me suddenly. i found out he was lying to me about being divorced, when i found his wife online on valentines day. so she knows, and she admitted that it wasnt the first time she had caught him in this type of activity… but, she stays with him. why is that? i will never tolerate a man cheating on me. what kind of sad, pathetic, desperate woman doesnt respect herself enough to demand better?!

  276. J, I had a similar situation myself once. I finally got the message when I saw him driving around town with “another man’;s wife” while he was making the play for me. I dumped his butt. He continued to try to sweet talk me into a relationship for almost a year. What he didn’t know was I got a letter from home telling me he went to another part of the state on a promotion with that other man’s wife to live while he was writing me. My family didn’t know we had been involved.

    My mom had a crude saying she used to tell me and my three sisters. A lot of men will take “p&$$*” any where they can get it, married or not.I-Until you give it to them they keep trying. If a man will cheat on his wife, he will do the same to you. and vice versa. There are few exceptions to this. You and your child deserve better.

    You know have a further problem now. A legal one. His despicable deeds are now documented. You could be dragged in as a co-respondent in a divorce in civil court and/or as a witness in a military court martial. You did the right thing by writing his CO. You are probably not the first. Maybe you will be the last.

    This man does not represent the majority of our soldiers, male or female. Do like countless others of us naive types have and dump him and find someone who will be faithful and respect you and himself. I shouldn’t give advice here; but, I hate to see this kind of thing happen to anyone! You don’t need this loser! It hurts now. Imagine what his wife will feel like when she finds out if she doesn’t already know.

    All those men and women who are married and use all those sad tales about their unhappy marriages always seem to stay where they are. Mostly they like the high of cheating and not getting caught. Some actually get addicted to the rush. Some soldiers substitute one rush for another. The emphasis on “some” and “rush.”

  277. im sorry devildog but that reply seemed a lil harsh…in any case, yes i am still hurt and even more so today because i know that today his wife is pickin him up at the airport because hes on leave. . . when he was supposedly comming to see me and my son. anyway, today i also got the word from his commander. he was issued a letter of admonishment. . . and i was issued a formal letter of apology from his commanding officer. i feel like it was just insult to injury. im not military and i know the wording was harsh, but i think it was a slap on the wrist. the following is his letter:
    1. I am deeply disappointed in your personal conduct in the fall of 2006 while we were stationed on FOB Rustamiyah in Eastern Baghdad, Iraq. From October until December 2006 you were engaged in an extramarital affair with Ms. J from town and state deleted. Although your affair was never consummated by a physical relationship, your conduct was unbecoming a non-commissioned officer and prejudicial to the good order and discipline of our unit. Your conduct in the course of your extramarital affair, via the internet, violated several paragraphs of Article 134 and Article 92 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. The offenses under Article 134 are indecent communication and indecent acts with another person.

    2. The elements that constitute an indecent communication, Paragraph 89, Article 134, are that you communicated orally or in writing with another person, that communication was indecent, and that your conduct was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces. Indecent language is defined as that which is grossly offensive to modesty, decency, or shocks the moral sense, because of its vulgar, filthy, or disgusting nature, or its tendency to incite lustful thought.

    3. The elements that constitute an indecent act with another, Paragraph 90, Article 134, are that you committed a certain wrongful act with a person, the act was indecent, and that the act was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces.

    4. Your conduct is also in violation of Article 92, failure to obey an order or regulation, in that you violated MND-B General Order #1 (dated 15 November 2006) by creating and sending lewd photographs of your genitalia to Ms. J via electronic mail; specifically subparagraph e. “Introduction, possession… creation, or display of any pornographic or sexually explicit photograph…”

    5. Your conduct was prejudicial to the good order and discipline of our unit. Such indecency with a co-actor, to whom you were not married, is morally disgusting and has brought professional embarrassment upon our unit. I will not tolerate such behavior from a leader in my formation. Any further acts will be reconciled through non-judicial punishment, which is reserved by the Task Force Commander, or by trial by court martial. You actions have brought great discredit to you, this Task Force, and the United States Army.

    Maybe that will be helpful in some way for others to see.

  278. Many men do consider sex as a stress outlet. Many can also separate their emotions. I think it is harder for women to do the same but there are more women who can now than years ago. But, there is a part of each of us who has conscience and really loves our spouses that often has trouble handling the consequences, like guilt. Personally, I think it is just as hard for the one back home in another way. If fidelity is an issue that way then don’t mess around while deployed.

    I personally cannot handle it and could not forgive it. So I would never be unfaithful. I would end the relationship first and have done so when I felt tempted. The only reason the temptation was there was because the marriage was bad and over. To me it is a matter of personal self respect. Maybe I am a little strange, lol!

  279. It’s hard to be faithful. I heard that either the Dutch or Germans want to hire prostitutes to entertain the soldiers and keep up their morale. Some argue that that relieves their stress so they’re able to perform better. Others say that’s being unfaithful to their wives and girlfriends. But one could argue that the soldiers only need to get out their libido on a woman, it has nothing to do with their fidelity. I’m not sure what I think. I found it interesting.

  280. If he is immature, he may have to try. Being in the military is no guarantee of fidelity. The standards are high. But, if you go in with baggage, you bring it with you. I think men and women who cheat look for those of us who are very faithful. They can hang onto us longer. One thing I learned the hard way, if there are things about him or her before the marriage that aren’t right, you can not change them later. Only they can. But, that rarely happens. We just seem to turn a blind eye.

    I suggest you both go to family counseling. If he won’t go, go by yourself “for” yourself. He destroyed your trust. He is either a fool or insensitive if her thinks it will come back over night. However, you cannot keep throwing it in his face if he is really trying. It’s like a catch 22. That’s why you really do need help.

    Forget friends and family. They mean well but are rarely any help here. This is a journey that you and he alone must take. Be prepared to that you may not be able to save your marriage. Good luck!

  281. Hi i was just reading all of your articles about cheating spouses, my husband and I got married in november of 2006. Its only march 24, 2007. and he has already cheated on me.about 2 weeks after we were married, the phone calls died down, there was no more sweet text messages and pictures and all that good stuff, we were seperated 7 months, we was in great lakes for schooling, i didnt find out until the week before he left there.. granted i had my suspicions but never any proof.. i do now and hes all the i love you im so sorry and i moved to va with him this month, the kicker is shes also in va now 2. im trying to make things work with him and all but the more i try the meaner i become to him.. i just dont understand the military is suppose to be men of honor, courage, and commitment.. he tells me being with her made him realize how much he loves me,, like is that possible, could i ever believe n trust him again.. men or boys i should say do get distant, and there is less phonecalls, and they blame it on the military keeping them o so busy, which sometimes yea,, but u know there is always a chance to call, there is always a chance to write. i read all of your stories and i was leave the bastard,, and then i sitting here asking why i cant do that myself.. what is it that makes us feel so vulnerable. is it the fear that we cant do better, or maybe unfamiliar territory, truth is i love my husband. he says to me,, im trying like hell here and your only being mean to me,, and im thinking what do you mean by trying,, trying to be faithful and commited,, trying not to eye another girl and think about sleeping with her,, come on what is this im trying.. if you love someone do you really have to try or should it just come natural

  282. J, This happens sometimes. Again that small percentage makes them all look bad. You will not get over this quickly. But, you did the right thing. Now, from first hand experience, move on. You deserve better and there is better out there. He made his bed. Let him, his wife, and CO do the rest.

    You don’t feel it now but you will be stronger for this. You will give your heart more wisely next time. I am sorry for your pain. There is a lesson to be learned her for others, unfortunately.

  283. hi… i have another side to this: i met a man who is deployed in iraq online. and over the course of several months we became very close. i fell in love. he told me that he loved me, needed me, i was his soul mate. he sent christmas presents to my son and even told my son that he was coming to marry mommy someday soon. then he disappeared suddenly and i was sick w/ grief and worry. i was beside myself. who would tell me if something happened to him?! so i went in search of him online, and found his “ex”wife. only she wasnt so ex…. she thought they were happily married. and i wound up spending my valentines day explaining to her everything that had been goin on between her husband and myself — who by the way, was just fine.
    im angry, im hurt, and devastated. i feel stupid, i feel used. i cant even tell you the extent of how this feels!! i really believed in this man. i loved him. i feel like i lost him twice. and he wont talk to me. he wont offer me an explanation or an apology.
    so i found his commanding officer and sent him every email, every online conversation, all the pictures… everything. and am currently waiting to hear what action will be taken because of his “misconduct.” the commanding officer assures me that he will mail and email me the information…
    how am i supposed to trust men?

  284. Soldiers, male and female, are just people too. 99% wouldn’t cheat, or do anything else to dis-honor their service, country, or family. They are mature and responsible in every way. Then there’s that 1% that don’t fit the mold. I learned the hard way. Whatever they do before marriage they do after marriage. They rarely change. My advice, find a guy who you can trust. There are far more of them than this guy who thinks casual sex is OK because it is “just sex!” You deserve better. I’d tell him I don’t need damaged goods and move on. Of course he will then come crawling back. They always do. I’d laugh and tell him “that’s just life!” Then I’d live mine, without him!

  285. My boyfriend is stationed overseas in Okinawa, Japan. We only have contact through email and chat since phone calls seem to be expensive to make here to the states (or so he says but makes calls to his parents and friends but not me?). He’s not in the war, he’s just stationed there in Okinawa, Japan with a friend. For some my gut instinct was telling me that something was going on ever since he went to Japan in Aug of 06. And finally this past Sunday night, I asked him flat out. He admitted to cheating on me 3 times and that he viewed it as “just sex” and nothing else although the person he cheated on me with is in the group of friends he hangs out with and it was this same group of friends that introduced the two of them to hang out.

    I’m torn and depressed now. Cheating for me is what tore my family apart when i was 15. I still wish at times I had both parents if only one of them hadn’t cheated. My boyfriend knew this and knew how i felt. Yet he still cheated on me and told me it was nothing but sex.

    Is this the common view point of those in the military? That they can cheat on their significant others/wives/husbands and think nothing is wrong? My boyfriend is stationed on a base and taking classes there and cheated on me. He wasn’t in some war zone although I’m not even sure if he was and still cheated on me if that would have been better.

    • No it wouldn’t have been better. War zone or not there is no excuse for them cheating!!! Regardless if they think their gonna make it back home or not thats still no reason to have sex with some random person when you have someone at home worried about you and waiting by the phone & computer wishing to talk to you for even one minute. would it be ok for the one at home to cheat because she/he didnt know if you would ever make it back?? Really, think about it that doesnt make sense at all. If you need something not so boring or whatever to do in your down time how about calling your wife, fiance or girlfriend that is waiting for your call & if thats not the first thing you want to do when you have down time then obviously you dont care about her as much as she cares about you. I can’t even put into words the hurt and pain this brought on by my fiance’ cheating on me while he was over there. Words could never explain it. Wrong is wrong and wheather at home or in a war zone cheating is wrong!! Not to make you worry but if he’s not calling you and you know other wives that are getting calls/emails all the time chances are he’s spending that time with someone else doing something he shouldnt be doing.

  286. wonderingwife, I think any man or woman who is in his/her second consecutive tour simply can’t open up right now. They are in survival mode. You need to go to a group for spouses of deployed troops. I don’t mean that as a criticism.

    It is difficult for anyone left at home. Your marriage is very young so you didn’t have time to develop those securities and coping mechinisms of a longer marriage. You were probably still in the “honeymoon stage” and this is adding to your anxiety.
    You are trying very hard to be suipportive. That is great.

    However, I think that your anxieties are feeding over to him and because he feels helpless, he can’t handle it any other way. As for his cheating, some do and some don’t. I suspect from being in the service during war time that he didn’t. He probably went to Kuwait and did a lot of drinking and letting off of steam with his buddies.

    His daughter will pick up on all this and being a kid will use it to her advantage. I am troubled that his ex-wife wants no responsibility where her own daughter is concerned. I think that says a lot that is not said in the open. I would suspect he is afraid of another failure.

    It would be good if you and his daughter could take this terrible time to become friends. I think she needs it. Her mom doesn’t want her in her mind and her dad is gone and may not come back. But, she is still a kid. Can you imagine how hard this is for her.

    She won’t have missed much with regard to your justified anxiety. Why don’t you sit her down and the two of you have a heart to heart talk about how you both feel about him being gone. Don’t talk about thinking he might or has cheated. Talk about how much you miss him and ask her if she feels the same way. Tell her you are afraid too. That maybe you two could help each other.

    For your husband, I would suggest you just keep emailing and writing letters. But though it is hard, try to leave out the part about cheating. Do the best you can to just tell him you love him and miss him. Let him know that is why you have been so anxiouis lately.. You might also tell him that you see the war has affected him and that it is hard for you to know how to help him. Don’t expect him to respond to any of this. He is probably in an emotional shut down mode so he can do his job.

    His going back so soon is not at all uncommon. The bond formed by soldiers in combat is a very unique one that compares to little else. For most to come home while it is still going on is almost like a betrayal to them. I doubt he can explain this to you. Some can. Many can’t.

    I can’t urge you strong enough to go to a support group for the families. Do all you can to get his daughter in one too. It will help you here. It will or can be crucial for when he returns home. His adjustment will be hard on him and both of you. Believe it or not you both have changed while he is gone. That too will be another adjustment. Again the support group will help here.

    I also suggest you and his daughter or juat you find out if there is a project to support the troops in your area that you can help with in whatever way you can. It will help you feel less helpless and that you are not left out of things.

    Also, go to yankeemom’s blog. She has some great projects there she posts. She also has links to some other great spousal blogs. There are others besises mom but I think you will find her very easy to get ideas from. She is a treasure. Like I said she has links to the others. They will help you focus on the positive aspects of deployment and I think you will find it helps you to cope.

    Don’t feel bad about your fears. They are a normal reaction under the circumstances. Just don’t let them control you. What your are feeling and rteacting to are very normal for many spouses. Ithink it is human nature.

    I hpe I have helped ewase your anxiety. I jope I have given some good words of wisdom. If anyone has better responses please jump in.

  287. Nope, I think he’s wrong to cheat.

  288. by the way, do you really think that the other guy that told you about his unfaithfulness was not wrong in what he did? Are you saying that you think it is okay under the circumstances? just curious, because if that is the way he thinks I’m quite sure that is an ‘out’ for most of the guys over there including mine.

  289. this was written a long time ago, are you still around? I don’t know what that soldier said to you, but I am so torn right now on what is going on in my husband’s head, he is in Iraq training their police officers and has been there since last March. he recently signed up again for a 13 month tour, I am writing because he hasn’t been calling or emailing me like he has in the past and he still has the same access to email and his cell phone, I asked him why and he said he was in a rut, but would start calling and emailing more often, when I asked him about the rut, he coudn’t or wouldn’t tell me. My mind is wondering, a few weeks back he told me he had some vacation days left and he and some buddies were going to Kuwait for a get away. Which was fine with me, and let me give you a little background here, we’ve only been married 2 yrs, not even that when he left and I am at home, I work full time at a very stressful job and I have his 15 yr old daughter living with me, her mother is around, but he wanted her to stay here in order to avoid child support payments, which is a lousy reason, but never the less, his reason. When he left in March he left us in very bad bind for money, he had to borrow some from his mom to get us by because he said he forgot that they didn’t get paid during the training period which was several weeks, so were off to a rocky start from the time he left, I was upset with him and couldn’t believe he would leave his family in such a hardship, I make good money, but we purchased a nice home and vehicles, etc. so my check alone just won’t cut it, so now my mind wonders every time I don’t hear from him, is he okay, etc., well I grounded his daughter because she flunked 2 of her finals at school, education has never been that important to him, but it is to me, well she got upset and told me she wanted to go back to her mom, well her mom doesn’t want her, doesn’t want the responsibilty in spite of the fact that she would get child support, she wants to visit and be with her but doesn’t want her to come home (she lives about 45 miles from us) anyway I emailed him and asked him to call me, he did and I told him I had talked to her mom and what she said and he agreed he did not want her going home to mom, so I asked him to call her and he promised me he would the next evening, well this was on a Monday and he never called, I got worried because in spite of the fact he hasn’t been emailing or calling much, he at least emails a joke even if he doesn’t talk to me in it. By Friday I was sick to my stomach with worry, didn’t know where he was, etc. I called and emailed some of his buddies to see if the knew, no one knew or had heard from him in a while, he finally called Saturday night (morning) at 2:30 a.m. and acted like nothing was wrong, wanted to know why he got all the emails etc. when I told him he promised to call and he didn’t that I got worried, well come to find out he was in Kuwait on his vacation and swears up and down he didn’t know I was looking for him and thought he told me when he was going to Kuwait etc. well he didn’t and after that the emails and calls have been even less, all emails are only 1 or 2 lines and usally just ask about the dogs and his daughter, he used to call every day, now its maybe once a week, and as I said earlier when I asked him why he said he was in a rut. I can’t help but to think the worse, did he cheat on me in Kuwait or is he cheating online as they say? what’s wrong with him and why doesn’t he talk to me when he calls or emails, why can’t he tell me that he misses me and wants to make love to me and hold me and all that good stuff and maybe even some raunchy stuff, the emails I’ve sent him that had that kind of talk in it he claims he never got, it’s so funny that he gets the ones that tell him how much money is in his account and other info he needs, but it just so happens he never gets those???? I know he has talked smack and trash on the internet before because he actually dated a Russian girl for awhile via internet and you can’t tell me he didn’t talk that way to her, how else and why else would they continue to communicate, send each other pictures, etc. so why can’t he do that for me? Is he looking at me as just a mother figure now? I don’t know and he’s not talking. What are the chances of him telling me the truth has he cheated on me? I’ve begged him, as much as I’m embarrassed to say it, I’ve begged him to tell me what is wrong, what he is thinking, what’s going on in his head and heart and those emails seem to get lost too or he only answers some of the questions and when he calls, he is always somewhere that the reception is bad so calls are short and we can’t really talk. So I’m at a loss here, I don’t know what to do or think anymore, I want to know what is going on so I can sleep at night, if he’s wanting out, if there is someone else, if he’s cheated on me, I just want to know so I know where we stand in our marriage. I’ve even told him I’ll keep his daughter until he’s done his next 13 month tour if that is what he is worried about. He’s coming home in March for a month before his next tour and I don’t want him to wait until then to tell me he cheated or he wants out, if he waits until then I’ll be spitting mad and this whole thing will get ugly, I just want to know now so I can go on with me life, raise his kid if that is what he wants, but make a life of my own as well. Is this behavior common? Does it mean what I’m thinking. I just know if he doesn’t call tomorrow, he’s getting moved to a new place and said he won’t have email for a week or so and probably no phone, so if he doesn’t call before they move him out at noon, I think I’ll go crazy and think of even worse things then what is already in my mind and what I hope is not true. Can you shed any light? When you said you coudln’t tell us what that guy said, you just got my mind wondering even more because I have no idea what he is saying, he gets a piece every single chance he gets or what? I’m hurting and I’m confused, if you can shed any light at all on this it would be greatly appreciated. thanks

    • I have gone thru an extremely similar situation with my husband while he was in Iraq. He treated me the same way. I had just had our first daughter, two days before he left, and he began treating me like the before he left. Exactly like he did you… spending the money, treating me like shit. I found out about two weeks after he returned from iraq that he had been cheating on me via the internet with his ex girlfriend, who by the way cheated on him and that is why they split. I dont know what to tell you about your situation but I wish I had known before he came back. He and I made a baby in the first two weeks he got back, his plan for keeping me. He thought another baby would make me stay with him once I found out about his ex girlfriend. I wish I could go back and divorce him. I would just try to make it clear to him that if he no longer wants to be with you, you will file for divorce and use your power of attorney for him to make it final before he returns and keep his daughter, for her sake, and just move on with your life

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