Has God Gone on Vacation?

Mike’s mom, my sister, has brain cancer. We don’t know what her prognosis will be except it is inoperable! We are all shocked over this and very much afraid. My sister has always been such a very strong, smart, lively person, it is very hard to see her struggle with this horrible disease. She can’t walk on her own. She can’t get out of her bed alone. She forgets things. She doesn’t remember things. She often has a blank stare on her face. Then as suddenly as it appeared, the look goes away. The only blessing is she apparently feels little or no pain because of the location of the brain tumors.

Each passing day as I and my family await the next meeting with her doctor to hear how effective her radiation treatments were. I am also afraid it will arrive. I don’t want to hear that it hasn’t helped. I don’t want to hear that chemo isn’t a consideration or the next step because radiation didn’t help. I want to hear that she is OK. I want to hear that there has been some terrible, sick mistake. I want my sister back  just the way she was before this terrible disease started ravaging her brain in such a callous and cruel manner!

I want to hear my sister’s voice as I enter the door to my Mom’s house as she and my Mom fuss over the fan; Mom’s too cold, my sister’s too hot! I want to hear her talk about the latest escapades of Mike’s kids. I want to hear her and my Mom answer the Jeopardy questions like they both have for so many years before now! I want to hear what new dish she found on the internet and cooked for supper.

In 1971, we lost the oldest of my younger brothers to cancer. He was 21! His suffering was unbearable. But, we survived. We had to. He would have wanted or accepted nothing less from us all! And, there was Mike, my sister’s beautiful, three month old baby boy. Now, Mike is gone. He died in Kuwait, March 5, 2004! It seems such cruel irony, that now his mom may be taken from us too! I believe in God. But, at times like these, all I want to do is rant at Him.

I have found myself bargaining with God. Take me first. It is my turn. I’m the oldest. Why are you so unfair? But, all my rants and questions fall on deaf ears. It is as if God has gone on vacation. He didn’t leave anyone in charge. Or, maybe he did and whoever is in charge has let all that power over life and death go to his or her head! Just wait until God returns! He will fix this mess. Hey, you, in-charge person, God’s gonna be angry at you when He returns. You better fix this mess now! Don’t you realize how much pain and suffering you are causing? Please, you gotta fix this mistake! I won’t tell. God will never know from me. PLEASE????

~ by devildog6771 on September 28, 2009.