What the men have to say about “Cheating Significant others in the Military” during deployment!
I have written several posts about cheating in the military. Until now, few deployed men or women, if any, have responded to any of those posts. However, the female response has been out of this world. Today, I received a wonderful comment from a soldier presenting the other side of this very important issue. I think many people, not me, will be very surprised at his remarks. They were so poignant, I decided to use them to create a new post. Please read his unedited response below to Cheating Significant others in the Military.
I am a Marine and have seen this all too often when I deployed. I was engaged 2 times and was deployed for about a year 2 times. Both hoes cheated after about 7 months. It is absolutely unforgivable and disgusting. I am a Male Marine and have the self discipline to keep it in my pants. I would say it is about 90% the females fault (not trying to start a fight her, just speaking from experience). But look at it like this. A guy walks up to a woman and says “Hi you’re cute, wanna hump?” LOL its NOT going to happen. However, if a woman turns around and does the same thing, you would be HARD PRESSED for any straight male to say no… And yes WESTPAC WIDOWS are a REALITY not a MYTH. It is insane. Watch the club scene within 100 miles of ANY base. When the units are deployed the clubs are FILLED with “single women with finger tan lines”…
But when the men come back the clubs seem to empty out…
I personally BELIEVE and ADHERE to the feeling that a cheating spouse of a Serviceman should be tried and honestly put to death for treason. Sounds EXTREME I know. But think about what really happens…
I have seen it too many times. Bare with me.
You are with your marines in a terrifying war torn environment, not knowing if you are going to live or die today, or if your buddy will, or if you are going to have to kill someone today. You think about home and how you rationalize that you are fighting for the ones you love back home. Then next thing you know you get a dear john letter or a letter from a friend and you just found out your wife or girl is *beep* around. This destroys your very core and the reason you are fighting becomes skewed. The Marine may become suicidal or unpredictable and want to go on a homicidal rampage.. .both do happen. This to me is why it should be considered treason, it has an extremely horrible and negative effect for all around the serviceman and gives a great advantage to the enemy..
Another case I have seen is I was on a 14 month deployment. We had the welcome wagons and the signs all across the road coming into 29 palms. when all of a sudden I recognized one of my Marines names on a huge sign. Saying something like this… “Hello LCPL John Doe, welcome home and surprise I am 5 Months pregnant!” (We were gone over a year…)… It was meant to hurt him and be a *beep* way to ask for a divorce apparently. But if you would have seen what it did to that marine you would want to flay that woman and her child.
Just food for thought. Cheating is never good. But it destroys morale of all around when done to a servicemember.
JlO said this on July 2nd, 2007 at 1:12 pm
Here is my response to JlO:
Finally, a serviceman responds to this post. I have been really fit to be tied trying to find a way to get you guys and gals deployed to start telling it like it is. I know that 90% you are talking about does not mean that 90% of “all” significant others back home cheat.I agree that about 90% of the cheating done is done back home! Since most of those back home are women, then it follows the women are the biggest cheaters! I knew from my experiences during Vietnam Era and in this conflict, there was another side to this story. I also know that most of the deployed troops feel as you do. Those cheating deployed troops in harms way do not cheat for the reasons you so eloquently mentioned. Cheating is the exception rather than the rule.
Thank you for your honest and candid response.
devildog6771 said this on July 2nd, 2007 at 7:20 pm
I expect quite a bit of fallout over this post and my subsequent remarks. I am a big girl. I can handle it! My only hope here is that enough people on both sides of this issue will respond and maybe someone will be helped by what they read here!
[dd6771]
Do you mind if I quote some of this for my own blog? this is a topic I’ve been wanting ot tackle ever since J got his orders to Iraq!
No, I don’t mind as long as you give the poster their credit. Wasn’t this guy’s post awesome. It’s about time the guys started commenting. No matter what I post about the three posts about cheating all or one at a time stay at the top of my most viewed post. Go figure@
of course, it’s one of the big topics that creep into our minds if we’re in any type of relationship! It’s why it’s so fascinating.
That is so very true.I guess I just figured there would be more trust. At 58 I am still a bit naieve.
I guess having been both deployed and at home, I see it a bit differently.
You may not have cheated, but even wearing a wedding ring in Iraq was a fast way to get propositions, since “what happens on deployment stay on deployment.” Military folx cheat on deployment, a lot of them. It’s no less damaging to find out when you’re at home, because this person you’ve been trying to hold it together for…they’re cheating. Does NOT in any way excuse the cheating on the home front, but I’m not about to sit here and pretend that it’s the spouses at home that are the only ones screwing up. It’s probably a bit different in the Marine units, as you don’t have nearly as many females around?
We had soldiers, quite a lot of them married males, hooking up in bunkers, in the motorpools, anywhere and everywhere.
I didn’t cheat, my husband didn’t cheat and I’m proud of that. I’m saddened by so many marriages that are destroyed by cheating. It’s an epidemic, that’s not helped by the generally young median age of military families.
SoldierGrrrl, you are right. Maybe if we get it out in the open we can help each other find solutions whenever possible.
Its true a few of the men do cheat while deployed. But lets be real. What is it 10% of the service is women and they do deploy with us. And there are SOMETIMES laundry ladies on base. But to say that ALOT of the cheating happens on deployment is wrong. (I am speaking of wartime… If your husband is cheating in Thailand, YES HE IS WRONG and I have NEVER subscribed to the What happens in Thailand stays in Thailand Mantra).
I agree with you. That is such a cop out. I hope you don’t mind I used your post here. It was just such a good post.
I just have one more thing to say now that I have enjoyed a weekend with my “very young” girlfriend. (I dont know how but I ended up with someone 9 years my junior, she is 19. I was thinking about while it is so much fun being with her… What problems will I face if I am deployed again? What happens when she is 21 and is just STARTING the Club scene? It’s a veritable candy store for such a young woman to all of a sudden be exposed to hundreds of eligible bachelors at a time… I am not an insecure man by any means. But really, who would be to blame in this scenario? I would say her of course. But I can’t ignore the fact that she is young and wants to have fun. I love her to death and she me. But age does have alot to do with this. Anyways. Where I am going with this is… umm this
The more I think about it too. So many Serviceman join to “be a man” or to show their independence, and while they do prove themselves as men or women and are better people for having passed boot camp etc… This does NOT necessarily mean they are more mature or of course they are not as experienced as someone older. I say this in point of fact that many of them BELIEVE themselves to be marriage material at 17-19 LOL. I have seen more then 1 Marine graduate bootcamp and marry their highschool girlfriend because everything will be taken care of as far as bills and home go. Imagine being freshly married 4 months after high school. I dunno, I thought I would play devil’s advocate a bit here to be fair… I still dont agree with cheating for ANY reason. But I can’t ignore this.
OK……here is the deal……I am a spouse……would NEVER even consider cheating…….BUT…..anytime you put lonely men and lonely women together in any situation for a long time…….your asking for trouble…….its just a bad, bad, bad idea. Sure there are people who in any situation won’t cheat. It happens ALOT. My husband was a DI for the last 3 years and where we were……….geeez………lets just say, of the 11 married couples that I came to know while there…….8 went down in flames, and the others were at the very least affected by cheating…….either of a fellow DI, or neighbor etc…I was disgusted when we finally left there.
Your points are well taken. I have to say I agree with most of them. As for the age difference, many of the best marriages are between men and women where the guy is about 7-9 years older. You sound like a pretty decent guy and I think you and your wife are both very lucky. I wish you both great happiness and a long life together.
Good lord! Cheating is wrong can we all agree on that? Sometimes people aren’t meant to be together, if you’re spouse is deployed at least have the decency to wait till he gets back to unleash your news to him/her that you’re don’t want to be in the marriage, because clearly you don’t. Marriage is a commitment you either love honor and cherish that person, it’s not you love honor and cherish that person if/when they’re around. As well, soldiers, give me a break, you’re away from home and fighting for your country and you’re lonely? Um no…you’re married, same thing applies, you’re not commited. Rf you have the need to be intimate with someone, be it online or off, then you’re not committed to your husband/wives. And that in itself is wrong. If you’re a soldier, show the same courage and respect for yourself and your spouse as you do when you put on your uniform. Life is too short to be playing games with other people’s lives. You fight for freedom isn’t something you do when you get deployed, it’s something which should be part of you always.
Well said. Thank you!
Do not joke about it either. LOL I just broke up with my girl. She is going on a trip with her best friend (her best friend has a long distance relationship). She all of a sudden got her hair done, a peticure, and some new clothes. Her friend “joked” that she her boyfriend was bringing a friend along to meet my girl. Then my girl “joked” that different area codes don’t count. Joke or not, I wasn’t having it. Broke up with her on the spot. FYI this is not funny to a guy. Especially when you do all the things to make yourself prettier when you going away from your man. We aren’t all dumb
Just thought I’d add that. BTW I am a good man and Im single now 
JLO, I agree with you, this is no joking matter. There as many lousy girlfriends as there are lousy boyfriends or significant others. You chose to handle yours with good sense and judgement. Good for you. You are right about the warning signs. I think we are all afraid to admit that is what they really are, myself included.
If I weren’t an old “bat” I might look you up myself :), lol! Take care, you’re going to be alright. You have a good head on your shoulders. You’ll find her when you least expect it and stop looking!
I’ve been married for 13 years with two young daughters. I recently saw changes in my husband’s behavior. He started going out more after work, constantly texting on his cell phone. When his cell would ring he would jump to get it. He kept telling me it was a co-worker and it had to do with work. I questioned him about cheating, but he denied it. I needed answers and hard proof that my gut feelings were true and I wasn’t imagining it. I ended up contacting AllState Investigations, which are private detectives and do work statewide. Well, to make a long story short, they caught him with another woman in a romantic relationship. Now I have pictures, video and a detailed report of everything that happened. To see his face drop was PRICELESS!!! It was such a good feeling to have physical evidence in my hands that he could NOT deny. Check out their websites http://www.94truth.com or http://www.infidelity.com
ok listen up people, this is matthew i am in the infantry and from what i have read here is that people in iraq are screwing each other let and right, is correct. well i have a news flash for you. to the people that are writting this you are all pogs, now im not trying to insult you in any way, but when you say that pretty much all people over here cheat try next time to be more specific to whom you are talk about. i know all my guys out here we are to busy getting shot at on a daily basis. we operate out of a jcob only to come back to the fob for three days. i have to go on a mission i will write later
I am an Army wife of a soldier deployed to Iraq and I can personally vouch that A LOT of them are sleeping around. Im not saying ALL of them, but definately many. And as far as only 10% of them being women…ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME????? From what I have seen & heard, these 10% are sleeping around with ALL of the 90% of the male soldiers. This is not just during deployment…this happens while at their Home Duty Stations as well. And the spouses usually never find out about what is going on. There is something like an “Army Code of Silence” & ALMOST No one will break that code. once again, I am not saying that EVERY Soldier is cheating on his or her spouse, but I am saying that there is a possibility. Like someone said earlier…when u put a lonely man and a lonely woman together…alone…and they share some kind of bond because of things they have experienced together while serving in the military…ANYHTING IS POSSIBLE!! Yep…Even your Spouse!!! I had to learn all of this the hard way & am very proud to say that I stayed true to my hubby (soon to be EX- hubby) through his training, long hours, deployments, etc. It’s his loss, not mine.
I believe what happened to you is true. I do not believe 10% of the women in the service are sleeping around with the “all” 90% males. I served in the USMC for four years. I lived in D.C after my E.O.L.. My experience is that there are just as many cheaters outside the military as in the military. I say this because we had to be very careful of every thing we did that affected the image of the Corps to the point , at times, of paranoia!
Maybe it is a little easier for men to cheat because they are under less scrutiny. But, as, one guy posted on a related blog, when they come back to the FOB, all they think about is food and sleep in that order. Oh yeah, they also thank God they made it another day!
Infiedelity is accepted and covered up in the military. I know first hand. My wife is an officer and had numerous affairs with other married officers. Her command doesnt care, they are doing it to.
Infidelity is not accepted and covered up as a rule. I agree there are cases where this does happen. However, you will have consequences if you are caught!
I was engaged to a First SEargeant or so i thought. he deployed to Iraq and while i was scared for him he spent the entire 12 months cheating. Well the soldier he was cheating with made sure i got some emails. Well he is now a SGM at ft. stewart deployed to iraq again but i am no longer with him. He has always been a cheating as i found out. Also he was accussed of sexual harrassment while he was over there the first time. He keeps getting away with things. I found out later that he is a suspected bi-sexual male. I now see there are a lot of soldiers on the down low over there and putting us women at risk for AIDS> . there are also some really loose female soldiers also. They make it easy for them. I spent 15 years in the Army myself and i have seen it all. I just hopre the madness stops.
It is sad that someone could be so uncaring about the feelings of another. But, those men, and women, are every where. War, though no excuse, brings out the worst in a few and the best in many!
hi i just wanted to know. im 19 and got married to my man two days before he left to bct..where hes still at now. has there been any cases of cheating in bct?! and how could we know>?
If you just got married, congratulations. It is normal for newlyweds to be insecure. Don’t look for cheating when you have no reason to do so. Cheating can happen anywhere and everywhere. It is not a strictly military thing. Focus your attention on trust and those cards, letters, and care packages.
k thanks!!!…=)
Let me know if you need any help with it. It’s pretty easy once you get going.
hi my boyfriend is deployed in Iraq right now. He talked to me about marriage a few times after he found out he would be leaving but I told him that I wouldn’t marry him while he was still in the marines and we don’t even live in the same state as well as the fact that I am only 20 and still in school. Anyway, before he left I found out he had slept with another woman one time in his room where my pictures were still up all over his room. Of course the girl found me on myspace and decided to tell me about it. I just don’t understand. Do guys just freak out before they head out to Iraq and decide to do whatever they want? Or do you guys think this was a result of my disinterest in the marriage conversation? Just looking for some advice…
Tina, that is a hard question to answer. He may have done so for that reason. He may also have wanted a last fling so to speak. Often marriage proposals before deployment guarantee they have something of theirs left behind or to comeback to. Most of the proposals are very sincere. But, were deployment not so real, might come later instead when things have progressed more reasonably.
You only have this girl’s word that he cheated. I wouldn’t ask him about it now while he is deployed if you guys are still corresponding. It will be very hard but for now, I would see how his letters go and then follow my gut reaction. Just trust your instincts. No man who loves you or woman for that matter, will cheat on you just because you don’t want to marry them now.
You were very honest with him about your feelings it seems. I assume he appeared to accept your decision and didn’t tell you it was over? You are right to consider your age. I assume also he too is young. You made a wise, thoughtful, and mature decision. If he loves you and you love him, it will withstand the time he is deployed and his enlistment.
If not, you saved both of you a lot of pain later. In any event, I still say don’t bring up the cheating accusation unless he does until he re-deploys home. Deployed soldiers have enough to deal with. I know it will be hard and doubts will come up but again, trust your gut to help you handle this.
If he did cheat, you may find when he comes home he is more mature and it won’t happen again. It is just very hard to second guess. That is why I prefer to lean on the side of giving him the benefit of the doubt for now.
Ok I have a question.. my husband is deployed we are in are midtwenties with a new baby now. I would never think that he would cheat on me… but lately, he tells me he is going to call me then never does, and he’ll call the next day and say that he slept all day on his day off b/c he’s so tired. Other then him not calling I have no other reason to believe he’s cheating… but him not calling.. it’s just not like him. He would normally call eveyr single day whether he was dead tired or not. I’m not sure if it’s jsut me friekin out b/c of a previous relationship where I was cheated on and badly hurt… or if something is up?
Please help cause I don’t know who else to talk to or ask that would understand deployment issues. Thanks.
TMG, I am going through the exact same thing right now. We are in our mid twenties, and have been married for 2 years. He will be coming home in just a few weeks THANK GOD! Anyways he is usually really good at calling and emailing me, or talking on IM. But lately Im lucky if I hear from him twice a week, and when I ask him about it he says the same thing your says, that he is so tired and when he has free time all he wants to do is sleep. I dont know about your husband but mine husband goes on long missions and is still required to do PT every single day because the unit is falling behind so I mean of course they are tired. I can relate to you on this because I have no reason to believe he is cheating other than the horror stories I hear. I think it is just that we have been away from them for so long that our minds tend to take us places that we shouldnt be especially when there is no reason to be. Why put ourselves through the worry when there is no reason to. I am just rambling on I dont even know if any of this makes sense, but I hope it does. I have decided to let it go, I can completely understand how he could be so tired that he decided to sleep instead of call me, and to be honest I prefer him to be well rested rather than talk to me so they he can remain focused. Basically ..my advice to you..just let it go.
Thus is a common event. Almost word for word I have seen the same thing allover the blogs. Many of the deployed soldier’s blog indicate that they feel bad about it but they don’t not call due to cheating. The war has had an effect on them. Then, they really are that tired of the endless killing and loss of lives they see every day. Just keep those letters going. They really need them now!
Thanks for the advice and support…it’s really helpful to now I am not the only one. I know he’s tired… and I try to be as understanding as possible. I send him boxes and letters and pictures all the time. He keeps apologizing to me for not being here for the holidays and I keep telling him its ok we will be together for them next year. But yes I can understand the endless death and horror… it’s similiar to paramedics … so I can understnad how tired he msut be. Thanks ya’ll for the support though I really appreciate it.
Come here as often as you need to to get support. Don’t apologize for your fears. He’s a lucky guy. So are you!
Thankyou.
I have a really close friend who her hubby is over seas with mine… different MOS though… well everyone knows this guy is cheating on her.. but noone will tell her. She is miserable with him but decided to stay with him b/c of their child. Should I tell her he’s been cheating on her the whole time he’s been gone?? or just keep my mouth shut? It just breaks my heart when she talks about him and wonders why he doesnt call her… all I can think is what he’s doin behind her back. I dont know what to do.
hey guys it’s really nice to talk to ppl going through similar types of situations. CAG and TMG, I know that it’s pretty expensive to use phone cards in Iraq (apparently when used in Iraq they get significantly less minutes for the same price) so if your guys are not calling you much that might be another part of it and the fact that they are dead tired doing night duty and missions and such. Some guys like to talk when they’re that tired but I know there are guys out there like my boyfriend who just want to sleep when they have time to. But if you guys know of any good deals for phone calls from Iraq let me know because we haven’t found one yet. And thanks for the advice devildog. I had written my boyfriend a letter with all my thoughts and feelings on the cheating thing because I literally found out about this the day he was leaving for Iraq so when he called me to say I love you and I’m getting on the plane I was sitting on this huge doubt that I didn’t know how to even bring up. He knows something is wrong but I haven’t told him what it is yet. You really think the letter is a bad idea? I know this is probably the last thing he wants to think about right now but it is killing me…
TMG:
DON’T TELL HER! This is not the time for her to find out. Also,the best way to lose a friend is to tell them their husband is cheating. When he gets back maybe your husband can have a talk with him. Or then you may decide to tell her. But, not now while he’s deployed and later, well, I’d suggest you and your husband talk and weigh the risks and out come.
I will say this. If he is cheating over there, he probably cheated back home too.If he has then she already knows it and is unwilling to face it yet. I know this from personal experience and from three years of going to the battered women’s program at the “Y.”
Tina:
Yeah, I do. He is deployed in combat now. Even though it is very hard for you, for your own sake and his I really think it is better to wait until he comes back. Now if he brings it up, then that is different. But, if he appears to have had a weak and stupid moment, you might consider telling him if he brings it up that you are terribly hurt by what he did but now is not the best time to talk about it. That when he comes home you both have some serious talking to do about your relationship. That’s my thoughts.
What does anyone else think. I don’t have all the answers. Advice, especially on this topic can be good,it can be bad even though it is well meaning.
Too all those who serve America and her interests…I salute you!
Iranian Ajax
Thank you!
I am an army wife, and have been through many deployments..Out of all the wives in the last 7 years and 4 installations I have befriended, been on the FRG with, or our kids played together often only 1 was a cheating idiot..Army times released recently an article talking about STD’s among Female Soldiers being alarming. I have also befriended army women in the past but had to opt out of our friendship due to moral conflict. I have seen children torn apart because daddy had an affair in Iraq or Afghanistan with desert sally. I have heard the men claim “baby I love you, I was just horny and she came onto me” exclaimed to their wives. I watched one guy spend all of his money on his ever so heroic army lover and oops didn’t buy his kids anything for christmas that year,,,I however played santa in his stead..Cheating happens,,this is no secret,,but here is the kick in the ass,,,if I were to cheat I am just classified as a cheating ass army wife and how dare I do such a thing,,blah blah blah….If it is an army woman who sleeps with married men on deployment there are excuses to why it happened and god bless her for defending our country..To be quite honest here I don’t much give a shit about boohoo broken hearts and who screwed who,,the big picture here is the children involved..If you are a military female soldier,,you have plenty of single soldiers ready to bond with you during your hardships, by all means be a slut…But leave the married with children men alone..your few minutes of orgasm doesn’t compare to the childrens suffering during a long drawn out divorce..If you want to cheat while deployed do your wife and kids a favor and call them so that they can begin the grieving process and move on with their lives. You can’t have your cake and eat it to, sorry to be the bearer of bad news,,and as far as the what happens in Iraq stays in Iraq thing,,give me a break, you guys come home get wasted, and oops it comes out..I refuse to give an ounce of respect to army women especially because I have yet to come across one that is just defending her country and doing her job with honor. I have on more than one occassion had to help an army wife with her kids to get the BAH she deserved after her husband left her for sgt.hobag. I am even starting a website soon that assists army wives who have no help and just need the money to get to their home state to get help from their families ever since GI hero had hanky panky with GI ho. I had a recent issue in Ft.Polk Louisiana where he actually cheated on his wife with an army woman, and left her with no food, and no real way to work. See, until you can get a divorce, which usually takes a year in most states, you have to pay child care at a married rate. For one child this is almost 200 dollars a week. For two it’s even more..So when an army guy walks out on his family and in many cases it’s for an army woman at work, it leaves the army wife pretty much screwed. I have seen it time and time again. So basically what I am saying here is the kids are being hurt and it’s usually kept hush hush. How dare you ruin lives and then come back from a deployment with the band playing in your honor,,you sicken me..You claim to defend our freedom, and assume it’s ok to sleep with our husbands while doing so..May god help you..kharma will catch up with you…
Eva, your points are well made. I do disagree with one however. Not, all Army women cheat with married men while deployed. Unfortunately, they aren’t the ones we hear about. As for the STD’s, I can believe that.
I imagine that as women put in combat situations learn better how to cope as our men have done over decades, we will see less female cheating. Believe me I don’t condone what the cheaters are doing. But, I think I can see how the female cheaters in combat are drawn in. Fear is a powerful motivator. Untested fear is even more powerful. As more and more women experience the fear of combat and see that it can be an ally and they can use it to their advantage, I honestly believe there will be less.
I don’t condone the Army or any service branch down playing this; but, I can see why it is happening. Traditionally our women don’t fight. The “little woman” is to be protected at all cost.She is too fragile for such things. Breaking that mold is very hard for all sides of the issue. We are experiencing a major social change here.
Personally, I feel it is a necessary change. The nature of terrorist warfare and it worldwide spread makes none of us immune. Like it or not, the enemy is on our shores. Biding their time, they will strike when it suits their objectives. If our men and women know how to defend the home front, we stand a better chance of surviving and winning.
There is also the political aspect. The “progressive” anti-war movement is having a tremendous impact right now. While I agree more and more of mainstream America is waking up the threat these people present to our nation, our military must carry on. That means more and more women will be tested in combat to fill roles caused by lack of enough men.
Financial problems, injuries, and the cost, and the refusal of Congress to give our military what they need to do their job forces many soldiers that would stay in to leave when their deployment is over to find ways to support their family. And, who can fault them?
I’ve been wanting to join the Army or the Marines since I could remember. I have a few friends who are now deployed to Iraq and to hear their stories of their wives cheating. I had a friend who wasn’t even married a week and his wife cheated on him. He was devasted, and it was tough to watch it.
Back to me, I dated a girl off and on for about 4 years. Since I wanted to join the Army or Marines, we would get in heated debates about the soldiers involement in Iraq, and then she told me if I joined she wold more likely cheat…. she didn’t come out to say it, but it was something along the lines of “I couldn’t wait that long for you to call, and I want travel and see the world” and such.. so… it was strange.
Now I’m with a new girlfriend, and she is great. She’s wonderfull, and I care for her much more then I do myself. I’ve tried different jobs off and on, and I can’t seem to find a job that I like… and it always comes back to Army or Marines.
So, I’m just worried that if I do decied to join either branch that she would end of cheating. She has a history of cheating on her ex boyfriend. She was very honest about it… it’s just, I’m afraid that she would easily do it to me. Don’t get me wrong, I love her… she’s perfect in everyway and I’m a lucky man to have her… it’s just…. I’m afraid. I really want to join up, but I haven’t because of afraid of losing her. She’s been with me through my ups and downs, and I feel guilty for feeling that way… but it’s a fear I have.
Feedback would be great. I’ve been trying to read up on the military and I stumlbed on this site.
TJ, not knowing any more than you wrote about your girlfriend, it is hard to know what to say. Many say if a person cheated on one person they will cheat on another. But it isn’t all that black and white. Have you told her what you want to do? If so, does she support your feelings? How long have you been together? Are you married, living together, or what?
Personally, I believe your other half should improve your life and you their’s. Part of that is trust. Part is allowing each to follow their dreams within reason! You can possibly go to a support group for deployed and ask them about the hardships involved. I’m not sure if that is OK or not. But, it can’t hurt to ask.
Another thing, don’t listen to other people so much. You have instincts. You feel their guide at the pit of your stomach just above your abdomen. Trust it. It never lies to you.
In any event, if you can’t trust this young lady, even if you do love her, why would you want to stay with her? Talk to her. Be honest. Tell her you are afraid and why. Tell her what you want to do. Military service is hard, I won’t lie to you. But for couples it is also a partnership too. You will both serve in your own way. Once you two talk, you will have to decide what to do. Be prepared that she may not want this.
If it is what you really want to do, no matter who you are with it will be an issue. Your first decision will have to be whether or not you are going to join. Otherwise you will eventually blame and resent the girl you are with, whoever she is. But, give this girl a chance and tell her what you want to do. Honesty and communication is a must no matter what!
I am currently the ex-girlfriend of a marine. We had been together for a year when he left for bootcamp last may. At the time our relationship was very serious and i promised him time and time again that he had nothing to worry about while he was gone. About three weeks into his training all the letters i got were filled with him questioning me and wondering why i hadnt written. I was confused because not only had a been faithful, i had written him every single day! At that point i was feeling not only lonely but also angry at the fact that he was basically chewing me out via letter when i was sitting home crying, trying to figure out how to function with out my boyfriend and best friend. Soon after recieving these letters i went out and kissed three different guys, two were drunken mistakes, while one (also a mistake) was a good friend on mine. It all happened within a week and for the rest of the summer i remained faithful. It was a one time thing with each of the guys and nothing beyond kissing ever occured. However, when my marine returned home and found out about one of the guys, i paniced and lied about it. Within a day i had confessed to the whole thing and later told him about the other two as well. Although just days before he was talking about marriage and a life together, he broke up with me on the spot.
Becasue he is a reservist, he recently returned home and weve been trying to work through all of this. Over the last few months there have been a lot of ups and downs. Moments where he says that he could never be with me again, and times where he says that he still wants to marry me. Since he’s been home, i’ve done everything i can to prove to him that i love him and that i learned from my mistakes and that i would never do that again. Although he aknowledges the positive changes i’ve made, he still cannot seem to get over what happened. Just when it seems like things are getting better it goes right back to the same talk about “how could you do this” and “how do i know you wouldnt do it again.” I love this man with all of my heart and am more sorry than anyone could ever know. I genuinely feel that i would never make that same mistake again and have made a lot of changes in my life to prove that. Because of all his mixed emotions, i dont know what else i can do to try and make this work or help him get over it. I really do love him and want to do whatever i can to help him and make sure that he’s happy. He didnt deserve what i did to him and i regret it more than anything. Still, i’m in love with this man and i truly belive that if we can make it through this, we could really be happy toghether…ANY ADVICE??
Ask him to go to counseling with you! What he did was what every soldier does, panic that their wife or girlfriend will cheat on him. Only he handled it poorly. But so did you! You guys seem young. You both need to learn how to talk, forgive, and trust each other. Relationships are not about getting even or showing someone else that if they accuse you of something you may as well do it! Instead you learn to say well, he’s just worried. I’ll need to reassure him. But, they also aren’t about constantly testing your girlfriend either.
You were both wrong. You both need to go together so you can learn with a professional how to develop the trust you need. One other word of caution, you also need to make sure that he isn’t overly possessive which can become abusive.
You shouldn’t be making all the changes.
Marine, what you said is exactly what I saw when I was there (USAF). It is true that when that dear john letter comes, that airman, marine, soldier,etc. does become suicidal and a liability. I saw it happen as did you and many others. Amen brother…
thanks, i’ll let you know how things go
Good luck. Things may yet work out for you guys.
http://bachelor-husband.blogspot.com/
Lol, Susanna, that is a great blog. I admire this guy’s efforts.
Hey, devildog,
I have some news for you. Cheating n the military is as pervasive as it ever has been. In fact it is worse. I was in the service some 20 years ago and found it very easy to find someone to spend the night with when I was single - whether they were married or not. I have been invlolved with some one - a female officer who is twice divorced - for the last couple of years. As our relationship has progressed, the stories come out. She has been in for a long time and has never stopped cheating, whether she was married, they were married or “committed” to me. She has been with more than 10 different men in the last few years - all while on deployment. Most of these were in the middle east - so yes, in bunkers, in rooms, in town at hotels, etc. It happens more than the general public realizes. It is pervasive. All of her friends cheat - both male and female. A recent deployment to Europe had her friends all booking trips to Amsterdam to go to the sex shops and hookers. And all of the people she has cheated with have been military personnel, so leave Jody out of it.
I am a huge supporter of the military, their mission and how they protect our freedoms. But you should stop making excuses for this behavior and be more outspoken and proactive in getting the miliotary to acknowledge and enforce the rules about infidelity and other rules about sex in the military. My now ex-girlfriend could have been courtmartialled on numerous occasions and was even caught in flagrante with no recourse. So, stop pussyfooting around the issue and have some balls to speak out. The military is loaded, especially for women, with opportunities to cheat. It is a license to steal. All you wives out there, beware of the women in the military. I won’t say which branch, but they have a lot of time on their hands in those big bases and many places to steal away for activity.
Madashell, where are you any better. It takes two to cheat!! If you have read all my posts then you know I believe in accountability for one’s conduct. While you sit on your lofty pedestal putting down women cheaters, what made you get involved with a married women, etc.. Come on, show some balls of your own. Tell the victims who come here why someone cheats! You may even help them and yourself out in the process.
I realize I have come down on you pretty hard. But, what can I say. You caught me on a less than charitable day. So are you up to the challenge? Personally, I feel those who cheat in the military will for the most part cheat whether in the military or not.
I do feel that the pressures of war can lead to others cheating.
But I refuse to agree that most “military men and women cheat whether deployed or not!” Most have too much self pride to do so. They also have too much respect for their spouses and families!
Cheaters are like flies and, drunks, addicts, etc., they all recognize each other. At least most are. The rest are parasites who feed off the inexperienced or lonely. Of course, there are always exceptions to any rule or statement. Sometimes things just happen in the heat or adrenalin of the moment!
I never expected this post to stir up so many responders and interested readers. But, this post has developed into a forum within my blog! If it helps one person, then it has done its job!
Keep’em coming folks! May you all find what you need here if only comraderie, support, or a sounding board.
devildg,
I was 19 when I did it and learned that it was a mistake. I am much older than that now and it has never happened again. This particular person has been in the military longer than I have been out. Her and her group of friends (not just the people in her unit or the base) and they are many, have been at this sort of behavior for a long time - some of them 20 years. They have long sicne learned to cover for one another and lie to and for each other. They fully believe in the adage “what happens on TDY stays on TDY.” I feel sorry that they, as a group, have sullied the reputations of so many who serve faithfully in more ways than one. I am sorry, but I disagree with you on the majority of people not cheating - either that or it is a very noisy minority. I have many friends who are still in and say it is just as bad as I have decribed. For the women, it is and has become a ready pool of men who they can pick and choose from to cheat on the ones who wait at home.
IMHO, it has become a sad state of affairs, pun intended, that the miltary establishment has not done more to prevent this from happening and promote more family stability. The family readiness program is a joke. Counseling for military members is also a joke, it can go against them when they have their reviews for promotion. Thay all have to sign a form that they have not seen a psychiatrist in the last year. It is a stigma that they military needs to overcome to aid in the mental well being of the troops - for all sorts of reasons, not just this one.
Let me also say this, I am a medical professional, I deal with issues of this sort all the time. You are right, people who cheat will do it anywhere they are and aytime they can. They are like alcoholics, etc. So, part of my point in saying that is, why send an alcoholic to a bar? Fix the problem and enforce the rules. There will be a lot less broken families out there.
Madashell, good for you. You bring up excellent points. I especially agree with you over the Military and the stigma of mental health. Far too many see mental health help as weakness. Believe me when I say that nothing could be further from the truth in most cases. People who are willing to really do the work come out of it much stringer and healthier. For an educated nation and a “super power” we have still got some archaic views on some things. Thanks for not taking offense. I assure you, none was intended. You came back, as I hoped with an excellent response. Thank you. Please come back. Your knowledge and wisdom will be an asset.
No offense taken, devildog, I think you are a pretty reasonable guy for an ex-grunt!! I have been following your blog since I first found it the FIRST time I found out she cheated on me - stupid me for taking her back and expecting her to change. The biggest problem with this particular issue is that it has been swept under the rug for so long, nobody will step up to be a champion for change. There is a certain culture within the military that the general public has absolutely no clue exists - this is just a part of it. There are many other issues that need adressing that professional soldiers just don’t have the time or energy to tackle. They are too busy dealing with REAL issues, like the war.
Back in WWII the Japanese did similar things, but on the civilians that they conquered. Sociologists say that the farther away from home and loved ones people get, the less likely they are to hold on to the morals and values that they were brought up with. So cheating in the military shouldn’t surprise anyone. It is pretty much par for the course and I really believe, if proper study was done, people would be shocked at the pervasiveness that exists. My own research, mostly journal reviews internet searaches, etc., (all of which I have done in my own healing process) show that it is pretty wide spread. But, it is one of those things that people are loath to be honest about - so how accurate will any research be? The best hope and option would be education and support, distraction, more structured free time, etc. But there really is no stopping it, just as alcoholics will find a way to drink, cheaters will find a way to cheat.
Like any mental health problem, the best approach would be prevention and treatment, but you can’t make someone go, just like you can’t bring a horse to water and make it drink. They have to come to the conclusion on their own and do it. The military must have support systems in place AND make it more acceptable to seek out that help. The other unfortunate thing here is that our political establishment is just as bad. Why would they step up to do anything about a prob;em that is just tas pervasive in their arena? Just look at our former commanders in chief! Anyway, thanks for the blog and I hope people who are reading this stuff get something out of it and realize it is the cheater who is in the wrong. If you are the faithful one, don’t get caught up in giving them a second (or in my case, a third chance). Give them their walking papers and move on with your life. You as the one who waited for them deserves better. You who kept the homefires burning deeserve respect, love, compassion, friendship and faithfulness. Take care of yourselves first, they certainlly weren’t thinking about you when they made a concious choice to take their clothes off and bet in bed, bunker, truck, tent, whereever, to have sex wirth someone else. Drop them, they aren’t worth the tears. Good luck and well wishes.
Madashell, first off, I am a female ex-Marine. I like to clarify that from time to time. I was in four years during Vietnam; but, never deployed. They didn’t deploy women in combat areas except in rare fields like medical.
I thank you for the kind words. I’m sorry about your situation. One good thing is “you” did learn from yours and are making changes. Good for you. Your words here are right on target.
Sadly mental help still has a stigma in regular society much less the military. Neither has discovered that those who seek help and really use it are stronger and all the better for it. They are also more dependable.
I am trying to start a forum for this topic but have yet to find a forum format I like. That’s why I have allowed this post to grow into its own forum.
You keep on doing what you’re doing. You’re on the right path. You deserve a lot of credit!!
Hey, deveildog, sorry for the gender confusion! OORRAAHH, anyway!
Let me say just a couple more things that I think will help. I have done plenty of research and have been in counseling myself to help deal with the after effects of all this. Cheating is much, much less about the one left behind than it is about the cheater themselves. It is usually about their own low self-esteem and self-worth. What makes it hurtful to the faithful partner is perception on your own part - what did I do, what didn’t I do, am I pretty/handsome enough, am I a good enough partner, am I good enough in bed, etc. - those questions all come up. There is nothing less affirming than having someone cheat on you. It hurts like hell. All those visceral responses you feel - like your guts have been ripped out - are natural. What makes it even worse is when the offender has no remorse, guilt or shame over what happened or even rubs it in your face. The “I can have any body I want, look at me, I attract so many lovers, etc.” attitude lowers the self-esteem of the person who was wronged, even though they have nothing to be ashamed of or to hide. It is an odd little conundrum of the human psyche.
But, look at this way, if it happened to someone who is as educated and learned about this as I am, it can happen to anyone. Not to put people on warning about their spouse/gf/bf, etc having an affair, but to put people on notice to communicate better and be cautious with each others hearts.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help, civilian or military. Right now, the only place the military has to go for this kind of issue is the chaplain - use them. Hopefully, things will get better all around. It seems like the media has put infidelity in the forefront of the news these past couple of months, maybe with good results. Good luck to all.
Devildog, it was a pleasure.
Everything you say is true. Cheating can also lead to battering in some cases. But, even when there is no cheating, batters do the the same thing to their spouses or partners.
However, I went to a “free” program at the “Y” which “anyone” can go to. It is a program for abused spouses. Cheating is also abusive. One thing I learned there was what part I played in all of this. That was a shocker.
First I unconsciously ignored all the signs. I enabled the behavior by continuing to “accept it” and by “justifying it!” But, the “Y” teaches women how to recognize the signs and about the cycle of violence. Unfortunately, it is harder for men to get such help due to the stigma and social attitude.
You deserve a lot of credit for your journey from victim to a person of self worth. You are a much stronger person now!
Devildog,
I was in the same place as you. She was the cheater and became the batterer once I confornted her and stopped accepting and enabling her behavior.
zit is very difficult ofr a man to find help with this issue. A man who is abused and comes forward is looked upon as less than a man, a wimp, or any other pejorative you would like to use (she had many colorful names that she called me when we fought over this).
I, too, needed to accept my role in all of this and move forward with my own healing process. Unfortunately for her and her kids, she has not. She continues to behave in ways that are morally and ethically questionable. What is worse is that it is with her military colleagues. She could lose her commission if all this comes forward. I won’t be the one to do so. I have a feeling that the phrase “what goes around, comes around” will soon be haunting her dreams. Her world is falling apart slowly but surely.
I am moving on. I still love her and always will. But that is another story. I just won’t sit back and take this kind of emotional or physical abuse anymore. I feel sorry for her and for the next guy she dupes into aiding and abetting her behaviors.
Thank you for keeping this forum open. I am sure these dialogues are helping people. It has helped me realize that I am not a bad person, I just fell in love with someone with a lot to hide. Unfortunately for me, I saw too late what the issues were and now am paying a high price.
I wish I had found this forum a long time ago.
MADASHELL,you give the forum too much credit. Remember, nothing helps unless a person really wants help. You did, you did all the work, give yourself the credit.
I totally agree with you about male domestic violence victims. But, men like you with your courage are changing that perception! Thank you!
devildog,
I have to tell you that I truly hit bottom before I went for help. I found a great therapist who has been working with me for some time. For those who are reading this, don’t let yourselves get there. End the cycle of a destructive relationship before it gets to you. Love means a lot, but your sanity is more important. What good are you to anyone if you are a walking basketcase.
Situations such as mine can get so out of hand that careers are at stake, as are lives. I wouldn’t call it depression because that would be a clinical diagnosis. It is more situational than that. If the situation, or problem, is removed, life gets better.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help or to go out and find help. But you have to want to do it. Sometimes finances are used as an excuse to stay, sometimes children. MOney isn’t everything - not a nice house or car, not nice clothes or things. They are just a facade for the real problems at hand. What harm is coming to the children in situations like this? It is just another form of abuse - exposing kids ti such things.
Seek help, you are better than that.
MADASHELL, you are so right. It is considered “child abuse” and CPS “will take your kids and arrest both parents if it is brought to their attention. Again your words are so poignant and right on.You shouldn’t beat yourself up. You have done an amazing job. Best to you!
Hey, devildogg,
I have to tell you I have had a couple of really bad weeks. There has been a lot of self-doubt and feelings of worthlessness going on with this relationship I had. If it weren’t for a really good therapist, I might have lost it.
Even though it has been over for awhile, these are deep seeded feeling that often rear their ugly heads and just overtake every aspect of who and what you are. For anybody who is reading this, it is a natural process. It is not easy, but it is natural. There is a tendency to blame oneself for the actions of the cheater. “What did I do wrong? Am I not handsome/pretty enough? Do I not keep a good enough home? Do I not make enough money? Do I not work hard enough for you? Am I not good enough in bed? Why did you do this to me?” These are all questions that come up in one’s mind. They certainly did in mine over the past couple of weeks.
I have said it before if you scroll back, it isn’t about you, it is about them and their issues. I can say all that intellectually and believe it. It is a very different thing to her it/listen to it emotionally.
The hardest part is seeing your former partner move on - usually pretty quickly. But, remember, that is what they do - cheaters cheat; cheaters have a chronic problem of seeking attention, increasing self-worth, building self-esteem, etc at whatever the cost. They don’t care who they hurt, just as long as their needs are met. They don’t care who they involve - married, single, involved, doesn’t matter. There are classic signs and symptoms that these people exhibit. I just didn’t recognize thme in time because I was too close to the problem. I had people who were telling me to be careful, people who knew her. I just didn’t listen, much to my regret. I am paying for it now, personally and professionally.
Her misbehavior is now reflecting badly on me at work, even though I did nothing wrong. It shows poor judgment on my part that I took her back 3 times. That is going to cost me a promotion. The sad thing is, her promiscuity has put her in the position of being invlolved with people who can influence my career negatively and hers positively.
I am still struggling with my feelings for her and how they reflect on me. It is difficult to avoid conflict with her, but I am managing.
My advice to people, having been through a whole lot so far, listen to the people you trust and trust your own instincts. If it doesn’t smell or feel right, don’t do it. If behaviors are questionable, question them. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck - it is probably a duck.
Press on and try not to let what someone did to you make you feel as if you are the bad person or the guilty party. If you have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Be the bigger person. I am not a vindictive person, but I sincerely hope that there is some justice in the world and what goes around comes around.
Thanks again, devildogg, it feels good sometimes to just vent. I hope somebody out there is reading this and getting some good out of it.
MADASHELL, Most people riding along in life like that are simply not worth it. Their gravy train will end one day. And generally what goes around, DOES come around. I spent many a year trying to justify why the infidelity in my past relationship only to discover it wasn’t me, never was me. I didn’t cheat, he did. I know only too well the questions you are asking yourself right now. It does get easier trust me. Judging from your post there is no hope for reconciliation. Glad to hear you are managing and coping as best as you can. Time is now for you to step back, breath, map out a plan to find a clear path away from her destructive behaviour. It isn’t running away, just steering clear until she is no longer in your thoughts on a daily basis. I hope you have a good support system in place. If this situation is causing problems at work as well, you may be heading or already be in a depressed and anxious state. BTDT too. And venting is GOOD!
MADASHELL,
I know what you mean. I went through it all just like you just said. I a glad that you are getting help. There is a kicker here. You may do the same thing again. hat was hardest bout my help here was learning all the signs were there from the very beginning. I just didn’t look at the consciously, as we all do. We are enablers for their behavior. We also have something that has made us develop low self esteem.
I have a suggestion for you. Call a local “Y” hotline. Tell them you want to get some information on domestic abuse. You want to learn the signs, cycle, etc. because you were a victim and there are no “men’s programs. You want to let your therapists go over them with you to help you understand it all and help you not to repeat the same thing again. Better yet, have the therapist call them and get a copy. It will really help you a lot.
“If” you do get in another similar situation again, you will not let it last as long due to getting help. “Don’t” beat yourself up. Try to look at your progress. Every case is different. I was shocked when I finally discovered why I “allowed” this jerk to treat me so badly. Te years later, I did the same thing again even though I worked very hard. My case was an extreme case. Not everyone will experience the same problems I have. Others will be worse.
Foreveryoursalways always has good advice. There is one caution I would point out. “Do not” get involved in another relationship until this one has completely played out in your mind. We all say we will never get involved again; but, we do! There are many Churches that have singles groups. Some of these groups are made up of people who like yourself have had terrible relationships. They do things together as “friends” in a group that includes member’s kids on occasion and no kids so everyone in the family is supported. I had kids so I enjoyed both types of activities. But, it was a while before I was able to join such a group. You and your therapists can talk about this when you are ready if you decide to try it out!
Venting is great. Another way to vent is beat nails into a board [sounds dumb, but works], beating a tennis ball against a wall, basketball, or something else physical. I found the tennis balls a great help. I also always carried something around in my pocket that I just grasp in my hands at times when I felt extremely anxious when I was depressed. Sometimes depression needs medical help. This is usually not for a very long time.
Most important for you now besides therapy is regular, healthy eating, and at least eight hours sleep. Some some people need as much as ten to fourteen hours a night. That can be extreme and an indication you need meds. But, you must have a decent schedule, structured with regular meals, sleep, physical activity.
Keep up the good work!
How could I dare cheat on my precious husband. I hear stories all the time and I am so shocked by the fact that people really do ditch their honorable spouses out in the war. It’s insane..and I admit, my husband does get weary of the statistics and I always try to reassure him but every time I do he yells at me saying I just don’t understand…v.v all because when he goes over to the base..AAAAAAAALLLLL the marine buddies say…”heh, you’re married? You idiot, you know she’s gonna cheat?”
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it’s your own marine buddies who take away the married men’s morale away from him.
Well, it’s only human nature to be afraid and worried. Maybe if so much of this didn’t happen the troops wouldn’t talk about it so much. I am sure the statistics would bear out that the percentage is low. However, when it happens to “you,” statics become irrelevant.
Well I’m a Navy spouse and my wife ended up doing the deed, and it killed me. The only thing I ask is if this shit does go on then do it without feelings involved. I hurt bad enough that it happened at all but when you add the fact that she started having feelings for this guy then that makes it way worse.
What an unusual man you are! I don’t know if you are still with your wife; but, based on your comments here, she “doesn’t” deserve you! You deserve better.
Thank you for your service. I am sorry this happened to you.
I don’t know, I don’t want to give up on her and I want to give her the benefit of the doubt because I don’t know the feelings and stuff involved with being deployed but I just can’t get past the fact that if you love someone that much no matter what the circumstance is you should never cross that line. Now I need to find out what my rights are if it doesn’t work out.
my husband and i are a very yaung couple and have omly been married for a year , he deployed about a month ago . we’v kinda had a rocky relationship .i hate to say it but i am worried about him cheating. i have never cheated and as far as i know he hasn’t either . but its just little things that let me know that i’m not ezactly at the top of his list , things like he lets his friends disrespect me and doesn’t seem to care and even let his drunk sister beat tha crap outa me , and didn’t care at all. but hes a smooth talker and knows all the right things to say to make me think for the time that i am his number one ….. deep down i know i’m not . i noticed earlier the woman wrote about her husband not callin her . i’m havin the same problem . we talk online some, but he will not call me , when i ask he says ” u know me i’m just too lazy to walk to the phone ” but he also says that he has waay too much free time on his hands , and that he goes to the gym and runs twice a day …… but he will not walk to the phone . am i crazy to b worried ? wut can i do to find out wuts really goin on ?
Armywifey, forget about finding out what is going on. Take this time to work on yourself and find out why you let this man or anyone else treat you so badly. I know that sounds cold; but, I have been there. I suggest you call the local “YMCA” battered women’s hot line. Sign up for their free battered women’s program.
The program’s leaders will “not” tell you to leave your husband or anything like that. But, they offer a really great program. I went for three years. If you have kids they help you with free on site baby sitting.
Battering does not always involve being hit. You didn’t say anything about physical mistreatment. However, in your case, based on your post, it could become an issue once he returns.
As for your husband, well, many guys don’t call home. All they see are the ingredients of war, death, injured, rubble, etc., day in and day out. Even the best of marriages experience no phone calls. The guys can’t do anything about anything back and it makes them feel helpless. If they talk about the war and what they see, they know their loved ones won’t fully understand. Many are also afraid that their loved ones will be repulsed at what they have seen or done.
Let’s face it, if you had to go out today and spend that day killing or being killed, don’t you think it would “do something to you that would make you seem distant to those back home.
here’s a question i posed to a married man…”would you cheat on your wife if you were deployed?”
i guess you have to know the basis on which this question was posed and i know i’ll get a lot of angry posts after this but that’s neither here nor there.
i was deployed and developed a friendship with him over the course of our tour. i started to like him before i knew he was married and when i found out, instead of leaving him alone, i thought we could be friends as he suggested. that didn’t last very long and soon we were flirting again. i felt horrible but was selfish and i just wanted to be happy…telling myself that things in his marriage were good and stuff like that–anything to justify what i was doing. after all, if you really love someone, you wouldn’t do that to them, right?
the answer to the question i posed to the married man (mind you, this man isn’t the same one i had online relations with)…anyway, the answer to the question was this: CHEATING ON MY WIFE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY LOVE FOR HER.
how can this be? all this only means that i was a deployment bunny and once he goes home, he will never think of me again. meanwhile, i’m back home now and crushed.
how true was the answer to my question?
My husband of 5 years is deployed. A friend of mine is married to a man who is deployed with my husband. He told her that my husband was acting flirtatious, and that if I could see how he is, my heart would be broken. Ofcourse, I freaked out and confronted him. He wasn’t happy and said that he loved me and the kids, and that he would never cheat and that he wasn’t doing these things. He confronted the guy, and the guy said that he never said those things. (a story that was confirmed by my friend) Word got around, mostly because my husband and him were fighting over this and the guy was reprimanded. They told him that even if something were happening, it was not his business to tell. My husband’s behavior is the same. He calls and e-mails daily, prays with me on the phone about matters concerning me, and always has a cheery tone. However, I can’t seem to get the fears out of my head. How does a man that cheats over there act? He is my absolute best friend, but again, most women do not know that their husbands cheat over there. I know of 3 wives whose husbands have had affairs, but they are clueless to it? How is it that I know, and they don’t? Why does the military do this? My husband has never acted like a cheater, but I can’t tell if I have a gut feeling, or if I am paranoid. What are the signs to look for, and why does the military cover this up?
Rebecca, if you have been married for five years and ha hasn’t cheated before, don’t you think you would know if he were doing so now? I have to agree with the military about people telling a spouse whether or not someone is cheating. IT ISN’T THEIR PLACE OR BUSINESS! As for the military position on this, troops deployed in combat are in a life and death situation. Not only their lives, but the lives of fellow troops. The is not he time to resolve or discuss issues of this importance.
Let’s face it, some men and women cheat, some don’. Why, I don’t know. I don’t think anyone really knows. Some do it because they can. Some because the situation just “happened” and they live with the shame. Others, because war makes them feel like they have no feelings. They wind up involved with someone they can connect with on some level. I don’t think it is intentional. Meanwhile back home is a spouse faithfully waiting, cheating because they can, etc..
My advice, if he’s/she’s heating, you know it. Get counseling while they are still deployed, and wait for them to come before confronting them. But, don’t look for what isn’t there. Don’t throw away or discard your trust on rumor or inuendo!
Joanna: “CHEATING ON MY WIFE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY LOVE FOR HER!” Having been cheated on several times, and mot by a military guy, who applied the same logic, I know he was a louse. What was your reason? Flirtation is something many men and women seem good at; but, I often have wondered if those they cheat with have any self respect?
Thank you for your response. My husband has been on a convoy for 4 days, and has somehow managed to call me a few times every day. The more I talk to him, the more I see how impossible it would be for him to be acting this way. He doesn’t sound sugary-sweet on the phone, he sounds like the best friend he has always been. In truth, I should have known when I heard the rumor that it could not be true. He would have to be the biggest liar of his day, and deception has never been a part of his character. I am certainly not looking for anyone. Many wives go to the bars when their husbands leave, which is such a bad choice. My husband and I have never, ever been a part of that scene. I don’t understand how wives with children can go on the prowl when kids are already suffering enough, but now they are being left with a babysitter so Mom can whore around? I would strongly confront a woman who did this, or a man for that matter. I suppose that I am one of the blessed ones who has a husband with integrity and a soul. To me, someone who cheats on their spouse, specifically on deployment, has got to be one of the most selfish son of a bitches alive. I don’t care if they just avoided sniper fire, and they feel emotionally distraught. Go pray, don’t go screw some whore and spit in the face of your entire family. That is what it is, turmoil should draw you closer to the ones you love. You should be picturing your children in that moment, not feeling up some homewrecker in the desert. To the women who entice the married men, I hope that you know you are cursing your own happiness in the future and destroying lives. What goes around comes around. If you think you are so special that a man at war sees the “deep inside of you” and will leave his family for you, you are completely decieved. Even if you do have an affair, you do realize that you are nothing but a glorified harlot. Keep your cougar claws out of married men. I can assure you that they see you as nothing more than a vagina. I think it is terrible that we have to deal with these issues when we are suffering enough already.
DEVILDOG6771
thanks for you reply. i bought that for a little while but i know so many men who wouldn’t cheat on their wives regardless of whether their wife would find out or not. the sad part is that now i’m scarred for the things that I’ve done. like i mentioned earlier, i made myself believe that things were not good between them. the truth is she’s probably a wonderful woman who prays for the safe return of her husband. i’m scarred for my sins and he just gets to go on living as though he never wronged her. i would never attempt to contact her because there’d be no reason to do so. through internet snooping, i found out about their life together and i’m disappointed in myself that i could treat another woman this way. i’d be lying if i said i’m over him but someone loves him more.
to your question about self respect, i thought i had it and was entitled to someone that i had feelings for. i’m 15 yrs his junior and would like to think that i was young and stupid but the truth is i knew better. it was always in the back of my mind and i pushed it away. to clear up any confusion with my initial post, i posed that question to a co-worker (not that man i had online relations with)
Rebecca, well said. Joanna, hold your head high, go on as hf it didn’t happen. I suspect you are punishing yourself far more than anyone else could or would. As for that soldier, well, not knowing any more about him I don’t want to judge harshly. But, if he makes a habit of this, he’ll get his in the end. Look at him as the pathetic scumbag he is. If he never did this before, I am very sure he feels just as badly as you.
We are all only human. We make mistakes sometimes, little ones and great big ones! When it comes to infidelity, a trust is broken. The offender must regain that trust. Hopefully the offended has the love to see it through if the marriage is worth saving. Hopefully the offender has the courage to re-earn that trust.
There are many thoughts in whether or not the one who broke their vows ought to “‘fess-up!” I tend to believe that at times it is better to say nothing and get professional help to determine why it happened. If or when the offended spouse is told can be discussed in that environment.
Remember, no two situations are identical. There are no “pat” answers. Each situation is unique due to the fact that we are all unique! Each situation must be dealt with from that view point. Our life before and up to a given moment in time determines how well we deal with stress whatever the cause.
If I were to give advice to those at home and those deployed, it would be to try to establish a support network, whenever possible, “before” deployment. Family support is good; but, it is better to have other support too. I say this because all family members, immediate or extended, are going to be stressed by the deployment. Make double sure all legal matters, bills, financial matters are well planned and set up. If there are no support groups, then form one for those left behind to support each other.
That can be baby sitting, someone to talk to, whatever. Set up ground rules. Don’t spread rumors and gossip. Give everyone a chance for participation. Set up car pools for things like kids activities, etc., whatever else that you think will be helpful. You don’t have to make it overly rigid or organized so it becomes another stressor. DON’T set yourself up for situations that could lead you to be victimized by “predators.” There is safety in numbers. When alcohol is present, be careful to know those present, that they will and “you” will respect proper boundaries.
For those deployed, there is help available for you too if you need it. Even if you talk to the Chaplain, that is help. It is hard to be away from home, listen to problems from home you can do nothing about, experience all you experience and not feel OK to share with your loved one these things, have then keep asking what is wrong, etc.. Both sides have their issues. Sometimes it is OK to say, I can’t talk about this now. It is their problem to deal with how they feel about it.
Those at home, try to think about what you might feel, as best you can, if the rolls were reversed. Life and death versus those mundane, but very important every day issues at home. Both your jobs are equally important. Bit, there is one exception, the one deployed needs their head on straight so they can stay focused and not endanger their self and others. So, at times you’re going to feel all alone and overwhelmed with no way out. That’s where your support system comes in handy.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT look for problems! Sure guys and gals deployed cheat. Sure guys and gals back home cheat. MOST DON’T! But, non=military types have the same problem. The added stress of frequent deployments and the increased worry when that deployment involves combat does make for a more stressful life. But, there is also the brotherhood and sisterhood of the “life” not found in any other lifestyle except maybe law enforcement and emergency services like firemen/women, etc.. Use that amazing resource to support yourselves during tough times. Don’t just assume either of you will cheat because it happened to another couple. Hold on to your trust.
It is hard, very hard, I know. Fear and insecurity are our worse enemies sometimes. Just try to hold on to that unique closeness and bond found in military families that few others ever have! Trust it!!
Joanna,
Honestly,u should be ashame of urself becuz u committed a sin w.a married man.U knew he was married n u still continued to flirt w.him n how can u love some one who is in love w.someone else.Unless,u made urself believe that.Imagine how the wife would feel if she finds out that her husband whom she believed was faithful to her was a lying scumm even worse IS HOW CAN U BELIEVE URSELF that HE will be there for u I mean why would u have feelings for this guy.U should be ashamed n this is a guilt u n him would carry for the rest of ur life.U have no self respect to urself n jst imagine being in the wife’s shoes.If I was u I would have the tendency to email the wife n let her know becuz now that ur away from him what if his still doing this to her.Make a difference to urself.Do whats right let the wife know the truth.!
hi i just found these post today and im replying because im really confused…. i am engaged to a 2lt in the army. i have been by his side when he has left for many schools. lately his behavior has drasticly changed. he was deployed to kuwait and is pushing paper their. he is not in battle. i have a gutt feeling that something is going on and have no way to prove it. he used to write every day and now im lucky to if he writes once a week. ive been very upset about this but not said anything b/c i don’t want to fight. he barely emails me anymore and when he does its when he needs something. i email him back to let him know whatever he needed got done but other than that ive stopped b/c he doen’t respond to me. im sick of hearing don’t speek up hes deployed, he needs support…. what about my support? im pretty sure he is cheating because of his drastic change. can someone help me? esp. an officer he says he is really, really, really busy over their but from everything i have herd that is not the case. btw he also tried telling me he is sleeping 12 hours a day and only works 8….. are these reasonable reasons to be concirned?
one last thing… the reason im feed up is because he bitched me out in a email for not emailing him enough. i have also had these concerns before. he just starts yelling when i ask him things and always finds a way to turn our fights around on me.
oh my goshhhhhhhh this is my worst nightmare….i jus dont dont what to belive i habe been married now since nov.2007 my husaband deployed march 27 didnt give us much time to bond after getting married being we were in 2 diffrent states….he call me all the time at 3 to 5 times a day we talk but it has happen twice now that he told me he was gonna call me and has left me waiting 12 hours for his call….i on the other hand have never missed one vall since the day he left….i have evey email linked to my cell i only leave the house to buy food or things that we need for home either way i email him to let him know where i am at all times….so no matter what time it is he has call me and i have answered ….he has called on weekends jus to see if i went out i have never went out clubing,movies,or for that fact anywhere….but i jus feel like sum thing is wrong …i hear guilt in his voice and lots of insecurity ….i dont know if its bcuz we have alot of stress now with every thing going on….i also read about women working in iraq on the base like the women that wash there cloths….he has told me the is this older woman that evey time he goes there she tells him how nice his wedding ring is….i feel like i am giving up my soul to prove how faithful i am and how much i love him….but i feel if he were to cheat i wud be so hurt to the point of no return….i am scared bcuz since he has been there and us talking alot he told me he cheated on his EX becuz she cheated on him….so that make me think if he did it to her can he find him self weak in iraq to cheat on me……plaese help me!!!! A faithful marine wife
mizunderstood_17,
i would have responded too your questions/comments earlier had i revisited the site earlier. the truth is i already feel shameful for what i did. nothing you or anyone else can say will make me feel any worse or any better. what’s done is done and now it’s over. the only good thing–if you can call it good– is that it was a sexless affair.
secondly, although i have the means to contact his wife, i will never do so. i’ve done enough to intrude on the sanctity of their marriage and won’t go any further than i already have. perhaps it was a a one-time lapse in judgment on his part and he will never to it to her again. to say she ought to know what he was up to for those short months is up in the air. if he feels like he needs to come clean, then HE will.
i, on the other hand, have taken devildog6771’s advice and started to pick up the pieces and move on.
i hope someone can respond to my questions for HELP!!
a fauthful marine wife still waiting for a answer to her question…
thank you …..
marine wife,
i’m sure you’ll get the response you’re looking for soon enough. in the meantime, i’ll give you some advice. STOP DRIVING YOURSELF CRAZY! don’t look for things that aren’t there. people never really know if their spouses cheat unless they fess up or they find out some other way. this happens outside of war, too, don’t forget that. just because he hasn’t called in a few doesn’t mean he’s off cheating. the place is stressful enough as it is, and from the people i talked to while i was there, it’s not that they didn’t want to call home. sometimes they forget. trust me. it happens. yeah there are harlots all over the world, b