Cheating Significant others in the Military
Again, no topic comes up more often than cheating spouses, or significant others. I am surprised that this topic takes precedent over all other topics. This isn’t a new phenomenon. During all past wars, cheating occurred from all the reading I have done. We could go on and on about who cheats more! But what I think is more important is why.
I am not convinced that more cheating occurs in the military than in the civilian “world!” However, I do think it comes to the forefront more now because of the Internet and the Blogs. What I really want to know more about is why? Is it the same reason that civilians cheat, the adrenalin rush of the “forbidden?” Or is it due to the stress placed on our military men and women and their families? Are the support systems that are supposed to be in place inadequate? Is it the constant absence of one partner or the other whether deployed states side or over seas? Is cheating more or less a problem during war?
I know when I served over thirty years ago, the military had a very strict policy about cheating! That policy was not a cure all or total preventative measure. I do think that there is less cheating in an all volunteer Military as opposed to during a draft! I have my own ideas or thoughts about why the cheating occurs other than the fact that some men “and” women will cheat whether or not they are in the military. Some significant other back home is as likely to cheat as a deployed soldier. Why?
Without compromising your identify, can those who cheat give their reasons for cheating? Is cheating more of a concern for those back home or those deployed? I would like to hear more from you guys or gals, whether you are deployed or the one back home!
We are not going to come to any conclusions that will prevent cheating by some. Maybe we will find out something about why it happens. Maybe we will use some of this knowledge to help build better lines of communications which will help strengthen relationships so less cheating occurs.
So, what do you all say? Anyone out there willing to talk about why they cheat? What might have helped prevent you from cheating. What will it hurt?
Seriously, no one commented on a topic that riles nearly everyone? Wow. I expected to scroll down and see one or two anonymous comments and several comments from non-cheaters.
I won’t be much help here, not having been a military wife, or having ever cheated on anyone, but I do think the rates of cheating are probably the same in civilian circles as military circles.
As for myself it is a point of pride, my self-worth is tied into my never cheating and being absolutely loyal to the one I love and am committed to. So I’d really be punishing myself as well as my spouse if I ever cheated (and I hope I never do). I always saw it as a choice one makes ahead of time and just sticks to it. But I don’t really know why I do half the things I do anyway!
My boss cheated on his wife for many years (finally marrying his mistress this summer). The reason he gave? His wife didn’t give him what he needed and she forced him to cheat. (That was one way weird work conversation I never want to have again. I didn’t know what to say in reply!).
At any rate, I’m very interested in your follow-up posts on this.
As am I. I too was very surprised at the lack of response?
I have unfortunately cheated on my husband before while he was away and even at home. However, we have both started with a clean slate 4 yrs ago and he has continued to cheat at times. I don’t blame the military but I think when they are away at training in areas far from home where nobody knows them, it obviously makes it easier. Maybe I sound childish but I wish he was made to stay in the confines of the government property instead of being given rental cars and a government credit card. Hello!!! This makes it a free pass for him to do what he wants!!! He even had a weekend off last summer from serving on rear detatchment in his unit and went from Fort Carson, Colorado to Seattle for a long weekend to do god knows what since I’m sure I’ll never get the full truth. Meanwhile, I was at home pregnant and caring for other children. He didn’t even call me for 4 days. What did he use to get there? A car from the unit’s rental fleet, of course!! I am very bitter over all of the shenanigans he has been able to pull on me while he is away with the military.
Amy Root, I think that a good LCSW might be able to help you guys. You didn’t say if there was a lot of arguing, any type of Domestic situation at home. If there is, then contact your local ”
Y” and sign up for their free battered women’s program. They provide childcare free normally. Battering doesn’t have to be physical. Verbal abuse if far more damaging.
If you dpn’t feel this is a problem, then run, don’t walk to that counselor.If you call around, you can usually find a decent one at a low fee. Don’t be afraid to go to another one if you do not “meld” with the first one. If you don’t feel comfortable with one, you won’t get help!
I hope you do this. If he won’t go, go for yourself, especioally if there are kids involved. They miss “nothing.”.
Only one response? I’m extremely surprised. I’ve seen “Walls of Shame” (huge shrines erected, covered with pictures of cheating spouses and girlfriends) and it seems likealmost everyone has one on there.
I was also extremely surprised. Nothing I have posted has drawn the response that my post on cheating spouses drew. I thought maybe hearing the other side in an anonymous setting might give useful insight! Guess I was wrong.
I am a Marine and have seen this all too often when I deployed. I was engaged 2 times and was deployed for about a year 2 times. Both hoes cheated after about 7 months. It is absolutely unforgivable and disgusting. I am a Male Marine and have the self discipline to keep it in my pants. I would say it is about 90% the females fault (not trying to start a fight her, just speaking from experience). But look at it like this. A guy walks up to a woman and says “Hi you’re cute, wanna hump?” LOL its NOT going to happen. However, if a woman turns around and does the same thing, you would be HARD PRESSED for any straight male to say no… And yes WESTPAC WIDOWS are a REALITY not a MYTH. It is insane. Watch the club scene within 100 miles of ANY base. When the units are deployed the clubs are FILLED with “single women with finger tan lines”…
But when the men come back the clubs seem to empty out…
I personally BELIEVE and ADHERE to the feeling that a cheating spouse of a Serviceman should be tried and honestly put to death for treason. Sounds EXTREME I know. But think about what really happens…
I have seen it too many times. Bare with me.
You are with your marines in a terrifying war torn environment, not knowing if you are going to live or die today, or if your buddy will, or if you are going to have to kill someone today. You think about home and how you rationalize that you are fighting for the ones you love back home. Then next thing you know you get a dear john letter or a letter from a friend and you just found out your wife or girl is *beep* around. This destroys your very core and the reason you are fighting becomes skewed. The Marine may become suicidal or unpredictable and want to go on a homicidal rampage.. .both do happen. This to me is why it should be considered treason, it has an extremely horrible and negative effect for all around the serviceman and gives a great advantage to the enemy..
Another case I have seen is I was on a 14 month deployment. We had the welcome wagons and the signs all across the road coming into 29 palms. when all of a sudden I recognized one of my Marines names on a huge sign. Saying something like this… “Hello LCPL John Doe, welcome home and surprise I am 5 Months pregnant!” (We were gone over a year…)… It was meant to hurt him and be a *beep* way to ask for a divorce apparently. But if you would have seen what it did to that marine you would want to flay that woman and her child.
Just food for thought. Cheating is never good. But it destroys morale of all around when done to a servicemember.
Finally, a serviceman responds to this post. I have been really fit to be tied trying to find a way to get you guys and gals deployed to start telling it like it is. I know that the 90% you are talking about does not mean that 90% of “all” significant others back home cheat. I agree that about 90% of the cheating done is done back home! Since most of those back home are women, then it follows the women are the biggest cheaters! I know from my experiences during Vietnam Era and in this conflict, there was another side to this story. I also know that most of the deployed troops feel as you do. Those cheating deployed troops in harms way do not cheat for the reasons you so eloquently mentioned. Cheating is the exception rather than the rule.
Thank you for your honest and candid response.
[...] so poignant, I decided to use them to create a new post. Please read his unedited response below to Cheating Significant others in the Military. I am a Marine and have seen this all too often when I deployed. I was engaged 2 times and was [...]
i really disagree because of the fact i am engaged to a marine who has been in for four years. he gets out next year. It is so easy as one of the ladies said before for them to cheat because they have it handed to them on a silver plader. what is wrong with keeping it in your pants. he was gone for a month and cheated. not because he wasnt getting any at home but because he could and he thought i wouldnt find out but it just so happened he like fucking dirty hoes and she gave him clamydia. and what happens i end up getting it and im pregnant. what happenes i loose my baby because of it and alot of other things happen. its been to many times where we females actually stay faithful to a marine and we get shitted on only because they think we wont find out when in the long run we do. Not saying all marines cheat but the majority of the men do and you can not tell me otherwise i know to many females going through problems with it to say they dont. my best friend is engaged to a marine they have been together for more than 6 years and what happenes he ends up leaving on deployment meets a hoe gets her pregnant now he decides to leave some one who pays his bills bought his car and does everything she can for him for a dumb hoe that was never pregnant but lied to keep him. its to easy for you to do it thinking your other half wont find out and when they do you lie and continue cheating. we women have had enough and its to much for one person to deal with. considering the fact that it is a mans world and they get and can do what ever they please its not fair and its not right.
I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. You are a very strong woman. But, again I must disagree. First off we as women enable their unfaithfulness every time we let then get away with it. Second, you called him a man. I don’t. Men have more moral character !
Please don’t think I am picking on you. I have been through it all. He wasn’t a Marine. First off too many people now get married within 6 months or a year. Few people know each other enough in that short period of time. Second, if he’s going to cheat the signs were all there before the marriage. But as women we either think our love will change them or we just ignore the signs. Third. They have enough problems of their own or they wouldn’t cheat. However, we have problems too or we wouldn’t have married them. I encourage you to go to the “Y” battered womens program. It’s free..
You don’t have to be hit to be abused or battered. However, if you don’t find out why you married this jerk you will repeat the pattern if you divorce. When I was first told this I thought the person was a real “@$$. But when she told me I could be arrested for child abuse and lose my kids, I did as she said. Three years later I finished going and I learned a lot. It’s a free program. If you have kids, they have free trained people to watch the kids if you have kids. Good luck.
I am a reporter for Stars and Stripes and I’m writing a story about monogamy and military marriages. I’m looking to speak with Europe-based troops who are married and have recently deployed. Please e-mail me at reedc@estripes.osd.mil or call me in the UK at 00441726739853 or DSN 238-4868. Thanks!