Cheating Military spouses??
UPDATE:
This topic has been moved to “a new” “Hello Iraq Forum.”
UPDATE:
This topic has been moved to the new “Hello Iraq Forum.” This is a forum for military families/people who have experienced cheating by a spouse or significant other. Just click on the link here and the whole post and all the comments are there. Take a look around. Tell me if you want something added or changed.
I often participate in a couple forums where we give and receive support. The issue of “cheating” came up. There were many opposing views presented that either justified or condemned cheating.
Of course things got a bit heated as this is a very sensitive issue for all of us whether deployed or at home. After one very candid response condemning cheating a deployed soldier presented a very candid description of what it is like to be at war and why some troops do cheat.
It would be inappropriate for me to repeat his comments but I can give a few main points. For instance he talked about how it felt to never know if a sniper was around the next corner or an IED just ahead both waiting to take “you out.” The fear and adrenaline that was a constant companion and made it almost feel “boring” in down time because the rest of the time it was all that kept them alive. He also told us how it felt to sleep with your weapon because it meant the difference between life and death.
I wish I could reprint his comments because they were so profound and impassioned, but as I said, it would not be appropriate.
What follows is my response to his comments. I felt this was a serious issue that concerns all families where a troop is deployed.
It is also important for those of us at home who enjoy our freedoms to know what it is like for our troops and their families. We need to know all they endure for our freedom and safety so we do not take them for granted but instead give them our undying support and gratitude.
Not just lip service. But cards, letters, visits to their loved ones to see if they are OK or need any help or just a friendly person to talk to. A shoulder to lean on. So we can encourage our elected officials to do their jobs and ensure these selfless people have the benefits they need so they don’t live in poverty which surprisingly many do.
With these things in mind here is my response:
Well, I have never been in war myself. But my nephew, who was like a brother, went to Kuwait. He had four little girls and a wife who loved him. He also had his mom, and the rest of the family, sitting at home day after day just praying the phone didn’t ring, a letter didn’t come, or a car didn’t show up at the door to tell us he was dead.
Kuwait was supposed to be a safe place to be sent at the time. But, there had been occasions where our troops were killed or endangered by attempted attacks against them. So, every newscast, we watched for his name. Day and night, we tried to go on and do the things we needed to do, but the fear of that call, letter, or visit was always there every where we went. Every day it loomed darker and larger like a huge cloud.
We didn’t complain, we just accepted it. That was our role. We waited for his first email or letter to tell us here where we could write him and send things. The fear, the loneliness, the isolation, only added to our fears. But we still carried on. That was our job.
He didn’t have to go. He was 32 and a many times decorated local police officer. His mom could have gotten him out of it as he was her only son, and her only child. But after 9/11 he felt it was his duty to enlist and be ready in case his country needed him. And, though we were afraid for him, we knew he did the right thing.
We never got that first letter. His mom and wife did get a couple emails. He died on March 5, 2004. He didn’t die in combat. He was killed in a car accident. The driver of his car pulled into the path of an oncoming vehicle. We died with him to a big degree that fateful day. We will never be the same. His youngest at 7 months will never remember him. The next to the youngest won’t either. But the seven year old and the five year old will remember him. They will also remember his promise that he would be OK and come back to them.
Those of us left behind may not be getting shot at or have to sleep with our guns. But, we also don’t have a “Band of brothers” to help us endure our fears for the safety of our loved ones deployed. We have the MSM to show us every negative aspect of what is happening in the war. They show every atrocity our troops and others endure. They show us every taped video with the screams and fearful pleas for help that we are helpless to give them.
All we can give them is our love, our prayers, our trust, our fidelity, letters, packages, etc., that may or may not get to our loved ones or make their lives easier while they fight this war.
We die a little each time a soldier is shot. We add to our shame each time it isn’t our loved one because we are so ashamed to admit to anyone that we are so glad that if someone had to die it wasn’t our loved one. We scream silently inside that it isn’t fair our loved one has to be a part of this hell. We pray for forgiveness for all our moments of despair and fear because we just know we ought to be stronger and that maybe if we aren’t strong enough God might not bring them home because we don’t deserve it.
We wish we could be there in the place of our loved one, then chastise ourselves because we don’t know if we have the guts or what it takes to do what our deployed loved one’s are doing.
I will always wish I could have been sent instead of my nephew. I would have gladly given my life for him, exchanged places with him. But, I couldn’t and can’t. I can only go to the cemetery at night and look on as the lantern by his grave caresses him in a way none of us can ever do again! He is now with God. But I am sure that we are in hell or at least as close to it as one can come here on earth.
His wife could no more have cheated on him than he could have cheated on his wife. You see, most of us left behind don’t have time to cheat because we are too busy praying for your safe return, raising our kids, taking care of the house and bills, getting together letters and packages for you, and trying let you know we support you and we’re OK, you don’t need to worry about us, we’re safe at home so we don’t have any problems at least not like what you are going through. We will never admit to you all that goes through our heads because we don’t want you to think we are weak. We don’t want you to worry or be distracted because it could make you careless and get you killed.
Now for anyone who thinks it’s OK or justified to cheat whether at home or deployed you now have both sides of the picture. I thank you for honestly telling us what it is like for you to be deployed.
Everyone at home needs to hear what it is really like for our deployed. I hope I did a decent job of presenting the other side, those of us left behind. Let’s face it. It is hell on both ends.
You all deserve all the support and help you can get whether deployed or at home because the sacrifices you make are enormous. I offer you my respect and heart felt thanks though they seem not enough. I offer you my prayers.
Cheating is an ultimate betrayal. We all know it happens on both sides. Sometimes it “just happens!” Others cheat because they can. Why some cheat and most don’t can’t really be answered. But no one can deny that it does happen, nor deny its impact on the military “family” at the single family level or at the over all family level. What we can do here is offer support and a sounding board for the victims of cheating.
We can hope that we can help each other survive the impact of cheating! God knows our military families need all the support they can get during this time of conflict and all that our military must deal with besides the impact of betrayal too!
[edited to provide a new forum url and correct errors and add clarity....dd]
this was written a long time ago, are you still around? I don’t know what that soldier said to you, but I am so torn right now on what is going on in my husband’s head, he is in Iraq training their police officers and has been there since last March. he recently signed up again for a 13 month tour, I am writing because he hasn’t been calling or emailing me like he has in the past and he still has the same access to email and his cell phone, I asked him why and he said he was in a rut, but would start calling and emailing more often, when I asked him about the rut, he coudn’t or wouldn’t tell me. My mind is wondering, a few weeks back he told me he had some vacation days left and he and some buddies were going to Kuwait for a get away. Which was fine with me, and let me give you a little background here, we’ve only been married 2 yrs, not even that when he left and I am at home, I work full time at a very stressful job and I have his 15 yr old daughter living with me, her mother is around, but he wanted her to stay here in order to avoid child support payments, which is a lousy reason, but never the less, his reason. When he left in March he left us in very bad bind for money, he had to borrow some from his mom to get us by because he said he forgot that they didn’t get paid during the training period which was several weeks, so were off to a rocky start from the time he left, I was upset with him and couldn’t believe he would leave his family in such a hardship, I make good money, but we purchased a nice home and vehicles, etc. so my check alone just won’t cut it, so now my mind wonders every time I don’t hear from him, is he okay, etc., well I grounded his daughter because she flunked 2 of her finals at school, education has never been that important to him, but it is to me, well she got upset and told me she wanted to go back to her mom, well her mom doesn’t want her, doesn’t want the responsibilty in spite of the fact that she would get child support, she wants to visit and be with her but doesn’t want her to come home (she lives about 45 miles from us) anyway I emailed him and asked him to call me, he did and I told him I had talked to her mom and what she said and he agreed he did not want her going home to mom, so I asked him to call her and he promised me he would the next evening, well this was on a Monday and he never called, I got worried because in spite of the fact he hasn’t been emailing or calling much, he at least emails a joke even if he doesn’t talk to me in it. By Friday I was sick to my stomach with worry, didn’t know where he was, etc. I called and emailed some of his buddies to see if the knew, no one knew or had heard from him in a while, he finally called Saturday night (morning) at 2:30 a.m. and acted like nothing was wrong, wanted to know why he got all the emails etc. when I told him he promised to call and he didn’t that I got worried, well come to find out he was in Kuwait on his vacation and swears up and down he didn’t know I was looking for him and thought he told me when he was going to Kuwait etc. well he didn’t and after that the emails and calls have been even less, all emails are only 1 or 2 lines and usally just ask about the dogs and his daughter, he used to call every day, now its maybe once a week, and as I said earlier when I asked him why he said he was in a rut. I can’t help but to think the worse, did he cheat on me in Kuwait or is he cheating online as they say? what’s wrong with him and why doesn’t he talk to me when he calls or emails, why can’t he tell me that he misses me and wants to make love to me and hold me and all that good stuff and maybe even some raunchy stuff, the emails I’ve sent him that had that kind of talk in it he claims he never got, it’s so funny that he gets the ones that tell him how much money is in his account and other info he needs, but it just so happens he never gets those???? I know he has talked smack and trash on the internet before because he actually dated a Russian girl for awhile via internet and you can’t tell me he didn’t talk that way to her, how else and why else would they continue to communicate, send each other pictures, etc. so why can’t he do that for me? Is he looking at me as just a mother figure now? I don’t know and he’s not talking. What are the chances of him telling me the truth has he cheated on me? I’ve begged him, as much as I’m embarrassed to say it, I’ve begged him to tell me what is wrong, what he is thinking, what’s going on in his head and heart and those emails seem to get lost too or he only answers some of the questions and when he calls, he is always somewhere that the reception is bad so calls are short and we can’t really talk. So I’m at a loss here, I don’t know what to do or think anymore, I want to know what is going on so I can sleep at night, if he’s wanting out, if there is someone else, if he’s cheated on me, I just want to know so I know where we stand in our marriage. I’ve even told him I’ll keep his daughter until he’s done his next 13 month tour if that is what he is worried about. He’s coming home in March for a month before his next tour and I don’t want him to wait until then to tell me he cheated or he wants out, if he waits until then I’ll be spitting mad and this whole thing will get ugly, I just want to know now so I can go on with me life, raise his kid if that is what he wants, but make a life of my own as well. Is this behavior common? Does it mean what I’m thinking. I just know if he doesn’t call tomorrow, he’s getting moved to a new place and said he won’t have email for a week or so and probably no phone, so if he doesn’t call before they move him out at noon, I think I’ll go crazy and think of even worse things then what is already in my mind and what I hope is not true. Can you shed any light? When you said you coudln’t tell us what that guy said, you just got my mind wondering even more because I have no idea what he is saying, he gets a piece every single chance he gets or what? I’m hurting and I’m confused, if you can shed any light at all on this it would be greatly appreciated. thanks
by the way, do you really think that the other guy that told you about his unfaithfulness was not wrong in what he did? Are you saying that you think it is okay under the circumstances? just curious, because if that is the way he thinks I’m quite sure that is an ‘out’ for most of the guys over there including mine.
Nope, I think he’s wrong to cheat.
wonderingwife, I think any man or woman who is in his/her second consecutive tour simply can’t open up right now. They are in survival mode. You need to go to a group for spouses of deployed troops. I don’t mean that as a criticism.
It is difficult for anyone left at home. Your marriage is very young so you didn’t have time to develop those securities and coping mechinisms of a longer marriage. You were probably still in the “honeymoon stage” and this is adding to your anxiety.
You are trying very hard to be suipportive. That is great.
However, I think that your anxieties are feeding over to him and because he feels helpless, he can’t handle it any other way. As for his cheating, some do and some don’t. I suspect from being in the service during war time that he didn’t. He probably went to Kuwait and did a lot of drinking and letting off of steam with his buddies.
His daughter will pick up on all this and being a kid will use it to her advantage. I am troubled that his ex-wife wants no responsibility where her own daughter is concerned. I think that says a lot that is not said in the open. I would suspect he is afraid of another failure.
It would be good if you and his daughter could take this terrible time to become friends. I think she needs it. Her mom doesn’t want her in her mind and her dad is gone and may not come back. But, she is still a kid. Can you imagine how hard this is for her.
She won’t have missed much with regard to your justified anxiety. Why don’t you sit her down and the two of you have a heart to heart talk about how you both feel about him being gone. Don’t talk about thinking he might or has cheated. Talk about how much you miss him and ask her if she feels the same way. Tell her you are afraid too. That maybe you two could help each other.
For your husband, I would suggest you just keep emailing and writing letters. But though it is hard, try to leave out the part about cheating. Do the best you can to just tell him you love him and miss him. Let him know that is why you have been so anxiouis lately.. You might also tell him that you see the war has affected him and that it is hard for you to know how to help him. Don’t expect him to respond to any of this. He is probably in an emotional shut down mode so he can do his job.
His going back so soon is not at all uncommon. The bond formed by soldiers in combat is a very unique one that compares to little else. For most to come home while it is still going on is almost like a betrayal to them. I doubt he can explain this to you. Some can. Many can’t.
I can’t urge you strong enough to go to a support group for the families. Do all you can to get his daughter in one too. It will help you here. It will or can be crucial for when he returns home. His adjustment will be hard on him and both of you. Believe it or not you both have changed while he is gone. That too will be another adjustment. Again the support group will help here.
I also suggest you and his daughter or juat you find out if there is a project to support the troops in your area that you can help with in whatever way you can. It will help you feel less helpless and that you are not left out of things.
Also, go to yankeemom’s blog. She has some great projects there she posts. She also has links to some other great spousal blogs. There are others besises mom but I think you will find her very easy to get ideas from. She is a treasure. Like I said she has links to the others. They will help you focus on the positive aspects of deployment and I think you will find it helps you to cope.
Don’t feel bad about your fears. They are a normal reaction under the circumstances. Just don’t let them control you. What your are feeling and rteacting to are very normal for many spouses. Ithink it is human nature.
I hpe I have helped ewase your anxiety. I jope I have given some good words of wisdom. If anyone has better responses please jump in.
My boyfriend is stationed overseas in Okinawa, Japan. We only have contact through email and chat since phone calls seem to be expensive to make here to the states (or so he says but makes calls to his parents and friends but not me?). He’s not in the war, he’s just stationed there in Okinawa, Japan with a friend. For some my gut instinct was telling me that something was going on ever since he went to Japan in Aug of 06. And finally this past Sunday night, I asked him flat out. He admitted to cheating on me 3 times and that he viewed it as “just sex” and nothing else although the person he cheated on me with is in the group of friends he hangs out with and it was this same group of friends that introduced the two of them to hang out.
I’m torn and depressed now. Cheating for me is what tore my family apart when i was 15. I still wish at times I had both parents if only one of them hadn’t cheated. My boyfriend knew this and knew how i felt. Yet he still cheated on me and told me it was nothing but sex.
Is this the common view point of those in the military? That they can cheat on their significant others/wives/husbands and think nothing is wrong? My boyfriend is stationed on a base and taking classes there and cheated on me. He wasn’t in some war zone although I’m not even sure if he was and still cheated on me if that would have been better.
Soldiers, male and female, are just people too. 99% wouldn’t cheat, or do anything else to dis-honor their service, country, or family. They are mature and responsible in every way. Then there’s that 1% that don’t fit the mold. I learned the hard way. Whatever they do before marriage they do after marriage. They rarely change. My advice, find a guy who you can trust. There are far more of them than this guy who thinks casual sex is OK because it is “just sex!” You deserve better. I’d tell him I don’t need damaged goods and move on. Of course he will then come crawling back. They always do. I’d laugh and tell him “that’s just life!” Then I’d live mine, without him!
hi… i have another side to this: i met a man who is deployed in iraq online. and over the course of several months we became very close. i fell in love. he told me that he loved me, needed me, i was his soul mate. he sent christmas presents to my son and even told my son that he was coming to marry mommy someday soon. then he disappeared suddenly and i was sick w/ grief and worry. i was beside myself. who would tell me if something happened to him?! so i went in search of him online, and found his “ex”wife. only she wasnt so ex…. she thought they were happily married. and i wound up spending my valentines day explaining to her everything that had been goin on between her husband and myself — who by the way, was just fine.
im angry, im hurt, and devastated. i feel stupid, i feel used. i cant even tell you the extent of how this feels!! i really believed in this man. i loved him. i feel like i lost him twice. and he wont talk to me. he wont offer me an explanation or an apology.
so i found his commanding officer and sent him every email, every online conversation, all the pictures… everything. and am currently waiting to hear what action will be taken because of his “misconduct.” the commanding officer assures me that he will mail and email me the information…
how am i supposed to trust men?
J, This happens sometimes. Again that small percentage makes them all look bad. You will not get over this quickly. But, you did the right thing. Now, from first hand experience, move on. You deserve better and there is better out there. He made his bed. Let him, his wife, and CO do the rest.
You don’t feel it now but you will be stronger for this. You will give your heart more wisely next time. I am sorry for your pain. There is a lesson to be learned her for others, unfortunately.
Hi i was just reading all of your articles about cheating spouses, my husband and I got married in november of 2006. Its only march 24, 2007. and he has already cheated on me.about 2 weeks after we were married, the phone calls died down, there was no more sweet text messages and pictures and all that good stuff, we were seperated 7 months, we was in great lakes for schooling, i didnt find out until the week before he left there.. granted i had my suspicions but never any proof.. i do now and hes all the i love you im so sorry and i moved to va with him this month, the kicker is shes also in va now 2. im trying to make things work with him and all but the more i try the meaner i become to him.. i just dont understand the military is suppose to be men of honor, courage, and commitment.. he tells me being with her made him realize how much he loves me,, like is that possible, could i ever believe n trust him again.. men or boys i should say do get distant, and there is less phonecalls, and they blame it on the military keeping them o so busy, which sometimes yea,, but u know there is always a chance to call, there is always a chance to write. i read all of your stories and i was leave the bastard,, and then i sitting here asking why i cant do that myself.. what is it that makes us feel so vulnerable. is it the fear that we cant do better, or maybe unfamiliar territory, truth is i love my husband. he says to me,, im trying like hell here and your only being mean to me,, and im thinking what do you mean by trying,, trying to be faithful and commited,, trying not to eye another girl and think about sleeping with her,, come on what is this im trying.. if you love someone do you really have to try or should it just come natural
If he is immature, he may have to try. Being in the military is no guarantee of fidelity. The standards are high. But, if you go in with baggage, you bring it with you. I think men and women who cheat look for those of us who are very faithful. They can hang onto us longer. One thing I learned the hard way, if there are things about him or her before the marriage that aren’t right, you can not change them later. Only they can. But, that rarely happens. We just seem to turn a blind eye.
I suggest you both go to family counseling. If he won’t go, go by yourself “for” yourself. He destroyed your trust. He is either a fool or insensitive if her thinks it will come back over night. However, you cannot keep throwing it in his face if he is really trying. It’s like a catch 22. That’s why you really do need help.
Forget friends and family. They mean well but are rarely any help here. This is a journey that you and he alone must take. Be prepared to that you may not be able to save your marriage. Good luck!
It’s hard to be faithful. I heard that either the Dutch or Germans want to hire prostitutes to entertain the soldiers and keep up their morale. Some argue that that relieves their stress so they’re able to perform better. Others say that’s being unfaithful to their wives and girlfriends. But one could argue that the soldiers only need to get out their libido on a woman, it has nothing to do with their fidelity. I’m not sure what I think. I found it interesting.
Many men do consider sex as a stress outlet. Many can also separate their emotions. I think it is harder for women to do the same but there are more women who can now than years ago. But, there is a part of each of us who has conscience and really loves our spouses that often has trouble handling the consequences, like guilt. Personally, I think it is just as hard for the one back home in another way. If fidelity is an issue that way then don’t mess around while deployed.
I personally cannot handle it and could not forgive it. So I would never be unfaithful. I would end the relationship first and have done so when I felt tempted. The only reason the temptation was there was because the marriage was bad and over. To me it is a matter of personal self respect. Maybe I am a little strange, lol!
im sorry devildog but that reply seemed a lil harsh…in any case, yes i am still hurt and even more so today because i know that today his wife is pickin him up at the airport because hes on leave. . . when he was supposedly comming to see me and my son. anyway, today i also got the word from his commander. he was issued a letter of admonishment. . . and i was issued a formal letter of apology from his commanding officer. i feel like it was just insult to injury. im not military and i know the wording was harsh, but i think it was a slap on the wrist. the following is his letter:
1. I am deeply disappointed in your personal conduct in the fall of 2006 while we were stationed on FOB Rustamiyah in Eastern Baghdad, Iraq. From October until December 2006 you were engaged in an extramarital affair with Ms. J from town and state deleted. Although your affair was never consummated by a physical relationship, your conduct was unbecoming a non-commissioned officer and prejudicial to the good order and discipline of our unit. Your conduct in the course of your extramarital affair, via the internet, violated several paragraphs of Article 134 and Article 92 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. The offenses under Article 134 are indecent communication and indecent acts with another person.
2. The elements that constitute an indecent communication, Paragraph 89, Article 134, are that you communicated orally or in writing with another person, that communication was indecent, and that your conduct was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces. Indecent language is defined as that which is grossly offensive to modesty, decency, or shocks the moral sense, because of its vulgar, filthy, or disgusting nature, or its tendency to incite lustful thought.
3. The elements that constitute an indecent act with another, Paragraph 90, Article 134, are that you committed a certain wrongful act with a person, the act was indecent, and that the act was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces.
4. Your conduct is also in violation of Article 92, failure to obey an order or regulation, in that you violated MND-B General Order #1 (dated 15 November 2006) by creating and sending lewd photographs of your genitalia to Ms. J via electronic mail; specifically subparagraph e. “Introduction, possession… creation, or display of any pornographic or sexually explicit photograph…”
5. Your conduct was prejudicial to the good order and discipline of our unit. Such indecency with a co-actor, to whom you were not married, is morally disgusting and has brought professional embarrassment upon our unit. I will not tolerate such behavior from a leader in my formation. Any further acts will be reconciled through non-judicial punishment, which is reserved by the Task Force Commander, or by trial by court martial. You actions have brought great discredit to you, this Task Force, and the United States Army.
Maybe that will be helpful in some way for others to see.
J, I had a similar situation myself once. I finally got the message when I saw him driving around town with “another man’;s wife” while he was making the play for me. I dumped his butt. He continued to try to sweet talk me into a relationship for almost a year. What he didn’t know was I got a letter from home telling me he went to another part of the state on a promotion with that other man’s wife to live while he was writing me. My family didn’t know we had been involved.
My mom had a crude saying she used to tell me and my three sisters. A lot of men will take “p&$$*” any where they can get it, married or not.I-Until you give it to them they keep trying. If a man will cheat on his wife, he will do the same to you. and vice versa. There are few exceptions to this. You and your child deserve better.
You know have a further problem now. A legal one. His despicable deeds are now documented. You could be dragged in as a co-respondent in a divorce in civil court and/or as a witness in a military court martial. You did the right thing by writing his CO. You are probably not the first. Maybe you will be the last.
This man does not represent the majority of our soldiers, male or female. Do like countless others of us naive types have and dump him and find someone who will be faithful and respect you and himself. I shouldn’t give advice here; but, I hate to see this kind of thing happen to anyone! You don’t need this loser! It hurts now. Imagine what his wife will feel like when she finds out if she doesn’t already know.
All those men and women who are married and use all those sad tales about their unhappy marriages always seem to stay where they are. Mostly they like the high of cheating and not getting caught. Some actually get addicted to the rush. Some soldiers substitute one rush for another. The emphasis on “some” and “rush.”
well i didnt have that option. if u remember — he disappeared on me suddenly. i found out he was lying to me about being divorced, when i found his wife online on valentines day. so she knows, and she admitted that it wasnt the first time she had caught him in this type of activity… but, she stays with him. why is that? i will never tolerate a man cheating on me. what kind of sad, pathetic, desperate woman doesnt respect herself enough to demand better?!
wonderingwife, many times when the troops are deployed, the thigs that they’re dealing with over there… i.e., seeng innocent killed and severely injured, their best friend dying in their arms…. is really difficult for them to deal with. The military culture and our culture in America teaches men to “suck it up” and not show their feelings. Part of the reason they may not be communicating, is their wish to protect their spouse and children from the harsh horrific things that they’ve seen or had to do in the warzone. From someone who is dealing with a loved one who is deployed, but also works on a military base with soldiers, we see it both with deployed men and women both. Sometimes they feel that their spouses may think badly of them if they talk about what they saw or had to do.
As far as spouses cheating, I’ve seen it happen both ways. It’s never a pretty situation, but you can deal with it. Either the spouse cheating while the soldier is deployed or the soldier cheating, either while deployed or after they return. Sometimes conbat stress or PTSD comes to play other times, they’re just one of those people who don’t believe in committment. It’s not anything that’s just strictly military. Unfortunately it happens in all walks of life. I’ve worked as a counselor and so have seen this a lot in all walks of life. If you suspect it’s going on, confront the situation. Decide for yourself if your marriage is worth saving and if so, get counseling for both of you both jointly and separately. If it’s not worth trying to work it out, get counseling for yourself to help you deal with it. There’s no fsst or perfect answer as each situation is different. Whatever you do, attempt to make the situation as smooth as possible, ESPECIALLY if there are children involved. They’re the ones who tend to suffer the most in these situations. Whatever you do, DON’T trash the other parent in front of the child, because regardless of the situation, they are still the child’s parent and it’s not fair to a child to have their parents use them as a way to manipulate each other.
Thank you Terri. You have given some great advice and insight into the problem.
I work on a fort and within a one week time period, I had four people tell me about their spouse cheating on them. In two cases it was the spouse and in another two cases it was the military member.
I do not excuse it at all when the military member cheats, but it absolutely disgust me when those back home cheat. We should be doing all we possibly can to see that we support them in every way possible.
Thank you for your very raw perspective on the loss of your nephew. Sadly, I can identify with your story far more than I wish I could. It was well said and very accurate. Thank you.
Politics of a Patriot, I totally agree with you about those back home and cheating. I realize how hard it is for them; but,their life is not in jeopardy!
Thank you for your very kind words about my nephew. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your service and all your sacrifices. Know there are many of us at home who support you all and are so proud of you all!
my fiance is leaving for iraq on the 16th of may and i think hes going to cheat what do i do
I am faced with a similar situation. My boyfriend, whos in the Marines, cheated on me with a female in the Army while deployed in Iraq (first deployment) and I had the pleasure of finding out via emails that she was sending him after it seemed he attempted to cut it off. There was even scares of possible STD transmission, but it came back clean. We decided to work through that and since he’s been back, there of course have been ups and downs, and trying moments. He has proposed and Im just worried that if all of this has happened early on in the relationship, will it just transfer over into a marriage? I have seen him make a lot of efforts and changes and he seems remorseful but its just hard for me to really get over everything because the wounds are still fresh. My other concern is what if he has to go on a 2nd deployment, will he just get better at cheating or has he really learned his lesson?
I think you should both go to see a counselor together. I suggests a LCSW because I have found them easier to work with. However, you can not forgive over night. You also can not keep hanging it over his head. Just below your breast bone you have an area that always tells you where you stand if you will listen to it. If he is truly sorry, you can not worry about the future deployments. You need to deal with the here and now first.
In combat, some men and women cheat because it makes them feel something when they otherwise feel dead inside. That doesn’t make it right, just a little more understandable. Others cheat no matter where they are. Both still hurt just as much! It is all about trust. it doesn’t happen overnight. It is developed and nurtured slowly.
Thanks devildog6771…your reply makes a lot of sense. i know that it will be extremely difficult for me during future deployments but i try not to think about it too much. it just gets difficult when you hear so many horror stories about spousal infidelity and actually having to had gone through it. Everyone views him as a hero and are so excited for us getting married and here I am knowing a completely different side of him. But thank you for your reply
Ladybug, I am relieved that my comments helped. It is always a risky task to try to give people advice. But, with affairs of the heart, it is even more risky.
[...] ten posts is one I wrote based on something that came up on a forum I frequent. The post is called, “Cheating Military spouses??.” Periodically a wife or girlfriend would write a post about their devastation over finding out that [...]
Matters of the heart are definitely difficult to give advice on because at the end of the day, people know their own limits as well as what they will, wont, should, or shouldnt do. Further, people know their own partners and what they are willing to put up with and work through or not. I think in my case, a lot of the issues are immaturity and not really understanding commitment, as well as, communications of what is expected in terms of honesty, fidelity, etc. While Im not trying to make excuses, I think that plays a big part although some things you would think are just common sense (i.e. if you are in a committed relationship, you don’t cheat and you damn sure dont lie).However, some people are just not able to be rehabilitated. Not to say that he is one of those, Im at the point where I have to decide if I have enough patience to stick around and see if its worth my time and future.
I wish you the best. I hope everything works out beat for you. God Bless.
I too was married to an Army man and he ended up cheating on me and lieing his ass off about it until the army girl he was sleeping with tracked down our home phone number and I had a nice little chat with her. She had known my husband was married to me when this all happened too which really pisses me off. But what I don’t get is that I always hear that men and women are not to hang around each other and mess around especially in a war zone or they can get in major trouble. If it is supposedly so strictly enforced then how the hell is it going on over there as much as it is?? My next door neighbor is engaged to an army man and his best friend ended up getting an army chick pregnant in Iraq and she was fricken married. Why is this being allowed to happen?? I’m just glad I’m not married to that bastard anymore.
If two people want to cheat, they will do so whether in war or not. There are rules and regulations in the military, but the military is not a babysitter. I don’t mean to minimize your pain. Nor do I condone the actions of those who cheat.
There is another whole issue here. In combat, there is never a let up. You can’t go out to the bar with your friends or Saturday night. You can’t get a babysitter to take the kids for a few hours. After a while all you have is the moment and each other just to survive. Everything else sometimes seems so unreal and very far away, out of reach.
When the numbness and emptiness that hits so many soldiers sets in, I am sure many of the cheaters are trying to fill that void. Others would cheat regardless, same as civilians. I don’t condone either. But neither have I walked in their shoes. However I still say most do not cheat!
What makes the difference, I don’t know.
i just found out this week that my boyfriend of 2 years cheated on me…the worst part is a majority of it was before he left for iraq while out in san antonio…and then afterwards…how could he possibly write me and tell me to wait for him and he loves me after he knew what he did…i now know the person i THOUGHT i knew, was not that person at all….and it is devastating!
Kelsey, that is terrible. I don’t know how people can say they love someone over and over while they are waiting back home worrying about them and then they turn around and cheat like it’s no big deal. I know it sucks, but at least you found out how he was before actually marrying him and wasting years of your life before finding out.
Kelsey, I am so sorry that this has happened to you. However, ReneeLeigh has some very valid points.
I was married to a soldier for 10 years. Two years into the marriage I found out about an affair. As advised, I sat down and asked him if he was cheating on me and why. He called me fat, insecure, crazy, etc. but said I was his solemate, and was very in love with me. Because we had a child, and I wanted to make it work, I stayed with him. Right before his deployment to Iraq three years ago, he pleged his love for me and remarried me in the church. While he was away I found letters, e-mails, etc. He told me that he had post traumtic stress syndrom. I hung in there for anohter year….10 years all together. His two years away gave me time to build back my self esteem. One month after our 10 year anniversary I finally had to the nerve to search his cds, computer, etc. I found CD’s, pictures and letters between him and many women. His letters all had the same scenerio. Army HERO, who just needs love, and attention. By the way, he loved wearing the uniform, and wore it constantly for the attention he received.
He had been having affairs with these women for over 10 years. HE had promised them each many things. None knew about the others. One of his main girls had active herpes, all of his letters indicated that he never used condoms.
While in Iraq, he was having an affair with a captain. And after he left her, he had the herpe girl pick him up at the airport during his two week leave. Then they headed to a hotel. My son and I waited until 1:00AM for him to get home, and believe him when he told us his plane was late.
Luckily, I divorced him one year after he came home from deployment. I never told the military. It doesn’t do any good. The officials don’t care about the families very much. I e-mailed one e-mail to all of the girls (16 total), and let them know that they may contact each other with questions regarding STDs.
It’s been over a year since my divorce, but I am still in shock. I am strong for my son, and have moved on. But inside my heart is broken, and my spirit damaged. I moarn a marriage and family that I beleived I had, not him. I just don’t know how to get over this. For myself and my son.
I think it’s okay to cheat but I didn’t always feel that way. My husband and I married 8 months before he deployed. That deployment is now a year and a half long. It didn’t take long for us to have the cheating conversation. Especially for the deployment. At first it was never - no no no. But then it came back around where both of us were just lonely and just needing someone to fill each other’s places even for just one night. We talked and talked and talked about it. We now have an agreement. Because the REALITY of it is… a year and a half IS a LONG time no matter how much love you have for one another. The romantic in me says never the realist in me says okay. So now we just have it set that on deployments ONLY he can do his thing and I can do mine and we aren’t going to talk about it with eachother. It’s just there. When we talk on the phone everything is the way it should be. He misses me and tells me so and I miss him and tell him so. We are still completely devoted to one another but this way no one has to be lied to or be the liar. This isn’t his first deployment and it isn’t going to be his last either. He is going to be out deployed more than he will be home. So let’s be REAL.
Angela, I found your comments surprising. Few women and few men could handle such an arrangement. I personally could not. That doesn’t mean that I think you both are wrong. I say if it works for you both, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.
Tryingtomoveon, I stayed married to a batterer for almost ten years. After I threw him out then divorced him. I completely understand how you feel. I too felt the same way. I got help. I found out that I married a man who treated me the way I felt about myself. He also cheated. All the signs are there that these men [and women] are like this, we just won’t look at them. You hope they will “settle down or change” after marriage. They don’t! However, the bottom line here is our own contribution as enablers to their behavior. Do yourself a favor and find out through therapy why you married him or, statistically, you will find another man just like him. He is at least guilty of mental battering. Go to the free program at your local “Y.” They also provide baby sitting free while you attend the meetings. I went for three years and they do help!
Angela, A year and a half is a long time, but there’s always R&R. What about respecting each other? I don’t know if you believe in God, but aren’t marriage vows suppose to be sacred? You said that you are still completely devoted to one another, but sleeping with other people while married is not devotion. I mean, why get married? Unless of course it is one of those contract marriages for money that alot of people have no problem doing these days either.
Tryingtomoveon, no one deserves to be called names like that. And if I was you, I’d have a few choice words for him myself. Especially since it sounds like he was using PTSD as an excuse to sneak around. I know the longer you’re with someone, the harder it is to get over especially with children involved. You’re very lucky he didn’t pass anything on to you if you know what i mean. Good job for finally standing up for yourself and getting out of that situation. It was the right choice for you and your son. Good luck to you!! Things will get better. =)
devildog6771 and ReneeLeigh,
Thank you so much for the words. The definitely help! I am a smart woman with a great job in the civilian side of things. But not living on a base or even near a base leads to isolation regarding these types of issues (which my ex-husband wanted). So it was so comforting to me to read your notes. I don’t feel so alone with all that happens to military families when the member cheats, lies and is abusive. THANK YOU!!!
By the way, I did start seeing a therapist to help me deal with this. I definitely need to address my choices.
Angela. I hope your choice works out for you. It’s not that each of you will not know about the affairs that wreck the marriage when he comes home. It’s you knowing that you were unfaithful to him, and can not talk about it that will destroy it. Trust me on that one.
P.S. from my last notes to Angela “Trust me on that one”. I never did cheat on my husband. But I was the family services leader a few times, and I know what happens when they get home. It’s hard to sleep next to someone that you lied to. I’ve had many phone calls in the middle of night. I am not judging. I would never do that. I truly trust everyone’s choice, and hope that it is right for them.
My situation does not warrent me to judge others. I promise. I can only tell you what I know.
I have been amazed at the response this post has drawn. I appreciate each and every single comment. There is much pain and suffering here. There is also much hope and the companionship of sharing by those who have shared their stories. God Bless you all. Thank you for sharing your stories. You have probably helped many women and men in similar situations.
My husband and I have an extremely close relationship, we are best friends and tell each other EVERYTHING. Since he has been deployed, I found out that he cheated. He does not know that I know. He did not sleep with this girl, but they did do ohter things. (I know this for a fact) He has been acting extremly different since this has happened and has told me he has problems sleeping at night. He makes small comments to me that make me feel like he is trying to confess to me, without acctually telling me. I will not bring up the issue with him because his safety comes first and I believe that he will confess when he comes home. Like I said we tell each other everything. He has never cheated before, that is why this is so surprising and painful. I know that he loves me, I have never doubted that. Even though he has been unfaithful, I still feel secure in our relationship. My husband is an emotional man, but right now i can tell he is emotionally shut down. There is no relationship with this girl, they just had duty together for one day. When I asked about who he had duty with that day, he even told me about her. What I want to know is what is he going through to make him do such a thing? Is it possible that this is the beginning of his infidelity and he might do it again? Or is it possible that he truly feels guilty about this and it was just a one time thing? I think cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone you love and he has always agreed, I would love to hear from anybody that has been in a similar situation. Does this really mean that something, somewhere is wrong with our marriage?? I can forgive him for this, but I am just trying to understand it right now. He still has a very long time before he comes home. How do I handle this when we are going to be apart for so much longer? If he truly feels guilty about it, which I believe he does, how can I make sure the guilt does not put him in any danger while he is still there. What he did is not ok, but I am more concerned about his mentality and safety right now. I need some guidence.
one more thing. can it be true that sometimes infidelity has nothing to do with the relationship, that it can really be “just sex?”
First off, you say they haven’t slept together. I assume you mean they haven’t had “sex.” Personally, I am not sure what you mean by cheating in this case. Maybe my inexperience in such matters is showing. I would wonder how you “found out ” he “cheated.”
Inability to sleep and emotional shut down seem to be frequent symptoms of those deployed, especially in areas where enemy activity is high. I don’t know if he has ever been in combat before. But, that doesn’t really matter. What natters is what he is experiencing now and that hew finds an acceptable means of coping.
I would not bring the subject up now. He does need to stay focused for his safety and the safety of others. None of us back at home knows how we would react or act in combat until we actually are there. That doesn’t mean anything goes for the deployed. But, with what they live with day and night, every day, life and death, away from their loved ones, away from the safety of home, I believe things can occur that would never have occurred back home.
Maybe you do or do not sense guilt from him. Only he can say for sure. But, you are smart to let it go for now. If you have the relationship you described, I would not let what may have or might happen destroy that trust. If all he did was a kiss or simply the comfort of an embrace that was carried no further, I am not sure that would be cause for concern. It may have been simply an innocent response to something that happened that will never be repeated again.
In your gut, you know the right answers here. Trust your own judgment. If you know your guy and someone has told you he cheated, maybe you might want to question their motive. One of the biggest concerns of the deployed is that some guy or gal back home will prey on their spouse or loved one at a needy time because they are away. I don’t remember what the term is; but, the troops have one for one of these people.
Maybe someone else has some better suggestions. If so, please post a comment.
Concerned and confused, since you said that you know he hasn’t actually had sex with this woman, I would just wait and see if he comes forward and tells you about it for now. Even though it still hurts because it was an intimate act. Do you know when his R&R is coming up? Maybe you can have a heart to heart talk with him then so you can be face to face and just ask him in a non accusing way if he’s been intimate with someone else and go from there. He might be relieved to get it off of his chest and then maybe you can get some answers and piece of mind for yourself too. But this is just my opinion. =) You sound like a strong woman that has a strong marriage to me, so i’m sure everything will turn out fine. =)
devildog…I think that term the troops use is a “Jody” =)
I think you may be right. I just remembered I did a post on this recently. Your advice sounds good!
LIFE WAS GREAT TILL BOOT CAMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!wow, i just read almost everyone of the responses left by spouses dealing with infedelity, and i have to say i feel you 110% Although my story is a bit different from everyone elses! you see, my fiancee and I were one of the strongest relationships of anyone i know. When we first got together she had just recently joind the military, and i was aware of this, we werent looking for a relationship, but through her persistance, and pursuit of me, finally won me over!!! I was living with a friend of mine at the time and decided to get us an apt. becuase our feelings for eachother were getting stronger! All of this was great even though we knew she would be leaving for boot-camp like 3 mo. from that time, we still made the best of our situation and lived our lives to the fullest, we were unsepperable and everyone knew we were falling in love. Well i got her a cell phone before she left becuase i wanted to be able to communicate with her anytime they would let us verbally, aside from the many letters i wrote her while she was there as well!! Before she left i talked with her frequently of the hardships we were going to face and how as long as we were strong in our commitment, that no force on this planet or person, or army could take that from us, and she agreed!! I even bought the dvd collection “OVER THERE” becuase i had already seen it and felt it would make good points in what we were going to face ,now and in the future when she was deployed! I always made sure she understood that no. 1 most important thing was communication, and that we should not lose this at any cost, becuase it would be the strength for the foundation of our relationship! She totally agreed and promised to be honest with me, faithfull, and loving the whole time she was there…. after all it was only 5 and a half mo, and she was not being shot at or any of the other casualties of war, yet!!! Anyways March 21st 2007 she shipped off to camp, it was one of the hardest things i thought i would ever have to endure, watching my woman leave me and not being able to see her for 2+ mo. But i was strong met her at the airport to say good-bye, and off she went. The next 2 mo. were hard but bare-able. I wrote her a letter every other day no lie and she wrote me 2 a wk and got a phone call every Sun night. I even quit smoking for her while she was gone to prove my commitment to her, and also to surprise her on graduation day!! Well what seemed like an eternity finally ended and her graduation day came
I was so happy to see her it was insane. I bought her a new cell phone becuase her old one was a loner i had given her and felt that it would make her happy to have a nice new one as a present for doing such an awesome job!! well family day we got to spend a little time with her about 9 hrs. but that hardly seemed like enough time!! We went out to eat talked about how much we loved and missed each other and how we hoped that her new platoon the following day would get a weekend pass so we could spend even more time together, to just unwind and put everything in to focus to prepare for the next few mo.s That was part of the problem with how this all started! You see we were told that basic training was the pits for her, limited callind, communication, ect…. but once she got to AIT everything would change. They would get there cell phones everynight for an hour, get week-end passes to go out, off base and it was almost like being in college! So we looked forward to her getting to the second phase of her training, so we could communicate more, and i was thrilled myself! The day she arrived at AIT they did not get a weekend pass, her new drill seargents said they had not earned one yet, and would not get one until they did! She was devistated, and i wasn’t happy but took it for what it was worth, helped her to hold her head up strong, and told her it was ok, we would get through this, and as soon as she got a week-end pass I would be there in a flash to see her!! I did however get to go on base one last time to drop off some off her things she left in the hotel, and say good-bye. She gave me an army bag full of dirty clothes (lol) to send home with me, kissed me and told me she was glad she got to see me one more time before i left, and we parted. I got back home later on and in the army bag she had left me a card that one you opened it up, it started singing the shania twain song “Your still the one” and put all her thought inside the card as well, which lit me up inside because my woman was so thoughtful, oh one other thing during the course of our relationship, and while she had been in boot-camp she discussed with me very vividly her desire to marry me, and would finish all her letters with “your future wife…..” So i was feeling her and was head over heels in love, she was perfect 
For the next few weeks it was exactley as we imagined. She got her phone every night for personal time and would not hesitate to call me, she also would sneak it during the day and text me little sweet messages that truly made my day, i was so happy i couldn’t contain myself! I would wake in the middle of the night to her texting me during fire guard and that just made it that much sweeter to me!! She was telling me however this whole time that they were treating them like crap, way worse than the other platoons and the stress was seriously starting to wear on her. I told her to remain strong, do what they said and come back to me, in alot more words and more sincere,but you get the point! I also was still writing her, and sending her care packages ect…. Well everything seemed to be going ok until June 26th 2007, cause on june 24th she text me just like always telling me how much she loved me! On the 26th however she called me and told me that the drill seargents found an empty liquer bottle on the the 2nd floor of her barracks and all the girls were being moved from the 3rd floor to the first, and was not happy about this at all. I told her i was sorry, i knew she had not done anything to cause it, and just do what they told her, she said ok and this is where things changed dramatically!!!! The next nite while at work around the same time she always called me, i text her and said “hey honey i love you, i hope i get to hear from you tonight” just as encoureging words to let her know that even though it was sucking there that there was still a strong reality with us, and that everything would be ok!! She text back, “sorry honey can’t, love you” i said ok, i understood and hopefully tommorow! next night came text her again, same response….but i took it for what it was worth, and preceeded the same way. As i had said earlier i was still writting her, and had sent a letter prior to this about 3-4 days which by this time had arrived! in the letter i talked about our plans for marriage, that we had sort of discussed prior to me being there, and how much i loved her, missed her, was FAITHFULL to her and couldnt wait to see her when she got back!!! Well that 3rd night, ill never forget….. she text me with this message…..( “there is something i have to tell you…i dont want to break up with you, but right now i think we need to take a break! I am so stressed out right now and i am breaking down mentally and physically, the guilt of not being able to write you back or text you when i want to is killing me, and its only getting worse!!! I love you and can’t wait to be your wife but right now i have to focus on this. Im sorry babe but if i dont im going to go crazy!!!” 
At first it wasa huge shock to me to be hearing these words from the person that i loved, becuase usually when a woman says she wants a break its because they met someone else!!!!! So i said no honey, i dont want to lose you, im sorry whatever i did, i didnt mean too, please dont let them do this to us, we discussed this, dont let them take our love away!!!!! I didnt understand, how couldthis be happening, then i asked did you meet someone-else? I dont understand what does a break mean? while i was typing this she replied….(” your not losing me, or i you, just please understand i need to work on this right now, and as soon as things settle down everything will be ok again i promise” 
right after that she answered my other question the one about meeting someone and text back….(”no! what do i have to say to explain its the stress of this place sweety, i cant handle all of it” 
………………….I thought about this for a few min, based on the stress she was going through that i couldn’t possibly understand back home and the strength of our relationship thus far and i replied….(” Honey i am just confused, i am not mad at you i just dont understand. But i trust you, have from the start, and I LOVE YOU, so i will do whatever it is you ask of me!!!” 
She then replied (”Thank you for being understanding honey, I LOVE YOU too”)………………………………. I then didnt hear from her again until 2 days later on a sunday morning at 6:35, she text me and said she did miss me, and did think about me still!!! which made my day yet again, i took that as oppertunity to tell her i was sorry for stressing her out, that i never meant too, i prayed for it to get easier for them and i loved her!!!! She said she knew, but it was something she had to do for her. I didnt hear from my girl again till that following tues july 3rd 2007 when she text me from a wierd no. to tell me she got her phone taken away, because she took it to class and got cuaght with it!!! she didnt call me on the 4th to wish me a happy 4th but she did her mom and dad :(, and also told them that she wouldnt get her phone back till August! Nope i didnt hear from her from that point for the next 2 1/2 weeks, not a text, smoke signal, nothing 
I didnt hardly eat, i tossed and turned in bed all night long, and felt so confused!!!! I talked with several people i knew about what could possibly be going on, some having been in the military, and some that knew my girl. And whether it was good advice they gave me or so-so i knew that i wouldnt fully not know until she talked to me. And again i loved her and had 110% faith in her/us so i did not want to jump to any conclusions and make it worse that it was on her!!!!!! If what i wasn’t already going through was enough my mother calls me and tells me my grandma passed away!! So then it all started…..that night im checking the mail, and i get her phone bill in this huge envolope? So i open it to see whats so important, and i find that her cell bill is 224.38? This did not make much sense to me becuase all of her incoming calls on the phone were free, all she had to do was call someone and have them call her back! plus i put unlimited texting on there as well? so i sit down and look at it…. the reason the bill was in such a huge package is becuase it was all itemized down to every last text message sent and every phone call that was made from june 3rd till july 3rd the night she got the phone taken!!!! I start digging further, and find gut wrenching evidence that my woman was lying to me 
you see i referenced the statements with when everything first started happening, more importantly when she said she couldnt call me or text me when she wanted too, and i found out that not only could she text when ever she still felt like it, but she could call during these times, and after, and not only that but that is exactly what she was doing!!!! Furthermore different people in general, but one certian no. that kept popping up back to back to back, all times of the night, and day! to add insult to injury she was texting this person the whole time she was saying for the 2 days she couldnt but even more devastating before, during, and after that famous text she sent me on June 29th 2007 telling me we needed a break!!!!! I was now pretty upset but even then somehow i still had faith in our relationship….
I was starting to have a nervous break down and i could feel it coming,becuase at this point i realized she had lied to me for the first time in our relationship, or so i thought!! but i kept faith and did more research, as exhuasting as it was to find all this out now 
i decided to call my phone company to put together more parts of this puzzle. So i ask them from the 3rd of june (when she said she got her phone taken away) till this date i was calling on had there been any texts outgoing or calls made from this no. Most of the operators were not any help at all, telling me that they were not allowed to divuldge that information even though it was my phone account in question????? So i said whatever and kept calling back until i got someone that was sympathetic to my situation, and thats when i found out that sure enough there were texts being sent out during the time in question……….. I was now furious, I realized that she had not only lied about not being able to talk to me, she lied about not getting her phone back until August, but worse she was still using it and stil not talking to me……………..So now i had all the information i needed, so i hung up with the phone company, and text her with the following message………….(”You need to be real honest with me right now, do you have your phone, Im going to give you one hour to answer me back!!!!”)……within 2 min her special ringtone screamed from my phone telling me i had a text from her! At that min i knew i was on top of something!!!!!!! She replied (”Yeah i got it back last night, but has been dead on the charger, cant talk right now though got to go to class bye”)…… so i knew i was right and said (”Yeah, we need to talk soon” 
I didnt know how to feel honestly, for one it was the first personal contact i had with her in going on three weeks, but i quickly reminded myself of why i had text her in the first place, and that feeling was held back, as im dealing with this in my head she texts again and says (” And who in the F%*% are you too tell me that i need to answer you back in an hour, when you know damn good and well i have class, and PT in the morning, and i wanted to say becuase appearently that dont matter since you’ve been texting this guy at all hours of the night and day, but rather than lose total communication with her at that point i said (” I thought the person you loved and would never LIE too “)………….which she replied(”I don’t have time for this right now, have to go to class talk to you later bye” 
I didnt know what to think, i felt hurt, mad, confused, somehow still felt like i was jumping to conclusions, becuase as you can see i still had no real answers!! So I called her mom becuase she had been a major help in all of this with me to some extent even though she felt like she didnt know her own duaghter anymore, and told her what information i had been given!!! I know this wasn’t the best information to give her mom but she felt the same way about this as me so it was almost like i would be lying to her if i didnt. So after much debate, i finally was told that she was going to call me that afternoon, so i could finally rest somewhat at that point!! Well that afternoon came and she texts her mom to tell that she had her wisdom teeth pulled that afternoon and was on medication, couldnt call and also lost her phone??? Which at this point i figured was bull-crap! But it turned out to be true, so i cut off the phone!! but you see this time she screwed up becuase her mom called me and told me this information based on the fact that someone had called her and told her, and her brother called me and told me that my girl had text him…… So i asked each of them the no. they had both gotten this information via, and do you know to my disbelief that they both told me the same no. which turned out to be his!!!! and they had no clue till i told them!! Well again i tossed and turned that night leading up to the next morning, when i had to get up and drive 3 hours south to bury my grandma 
On my way down there i decided that if she wasn’t going to talk to me, that he damn sure better after all if nothing was going on, then they had nothing to worry about right? So i text him for the first time and say…..(”JASON, im trying to be real cool with you right now, and im asking you to stand up and be a man, and let me know whats going on with you and my girl, no bs just truth” 
I waited like ten min, no response, i then said (”Look i know you both have been talking day and night becuase its all over OUR phone records, so just tell me, i puased said “if ya’ll are just friends thats cool, but i need to know after all we are engaged” 
about 2 min went by and he responded…… (”Hey man we are just friends, she has been going through alot here, and i have just been someone for her too talk too” 
I gave him the benifit of the doubt, 1 becuase he didnt have to answer me back but 2 becuase i didnt want to believe my girl was CHEATING ON ME!!! So i said “Look you seem to talk to her more than i do, so when you see her, tell her I LOVE HER, and if she would just talk too me this would be all better” 
Well about 15 min went bye, and then he text back she wanted to know what i was going to do about the phone? Which i was like uh she lost it, i cut it off, there is no phone!! I told him i couldnt deal with that right now becuase i was about to bury my grandma, and i put my phone down and stepped on to the cemetary grounds and dealt with the loss of my grandparent. So about 4 hours later she calls me, which i was amazed i was hearing her voice, and tell her i love her, and miss her, and all i wanted was to hear her voice and everything was alright…………………………(Then she told me something i was not entirely prepared for, and that was we needed to break up, the stress of having a boyfriend back home, and dealing with all the crap they were putting her through, was driving her insane, and if she could just get done, and come home back to me that everything would be ok, and we could sit down and work everything out when she got home!!!!!!!!!!!!! and do you know i believed her, worse than that, i even said it, i told her i totaly understood, and as long as she was being honest with me, and not using this as an excuse to go have sex with someone then i was cool with it, and at the same time i asked her was she going to be faithfull to me during the time that we were broke up, and without hesitation she said “YES” I was so happy to hear the words that i said ok, and that was it…. she said ok and said she had to go, and i let her!!! thinking to myself, she didnt even ask about the phone, which was why she was supposed to be calling for in the first place!! well then she called back becuase she remembered!! So she asks what about the phone? I tell her what about it, you lost it, and now i have to replace it, and you will now be home in about 3 weeks, so it doesn’t make sense to spend more money when your jusr going to be home soon anyways, plus we are now broke up…. so we would need to talk about this more when she got home, and if she felt we could work things out, then i would turn the phone back on, and everything would be ok!!!!! So at this point, i actually felt a little bit better, not entirely, but somewhat, becuase at least i wasn’t having to stress about her anymore……at least i didnt think so, yeah right…i went right back to tossing and turning all night just like before and it was really starting to take its toll on me again, only this time becuase i realized i now had to wait 3 to 3 1/2 more weeks to possibly find out the truth, or not and work it out with her becuase i love her that much to listen and figure it out…….as crazy as this may sound especially coming out of my mouth i was actually contemplating on if she had cheated on me, and was honest about it…….. that i might forgive her, there i said it, i truly thought that
I felt again like i couldn’t go rushing to conclusions, becuase i didnt know who this person was, and needed to wait till i had the proof so that i could make a somewhat rational decision to all of this!!! So i got out my laptop and went surfing on the wonderful internet…..found a website willing to give me information on the phone no. in paticular, paid the dues, and waited about a day to get the results! When they finally emailed me, i almost didnt want to know the results becuase i was pretty convinced it was not a girl on the end of this no. But i looked anyway, and sure enough at the end of the results was the an address where this person was from, the state, county,……and the name JASON, even as i tell you this i still remained calm and tried to asses the situation where it turned out positive in conclusion!! But i now knew that she was texting this guy and calling him this whole time that she was telling me she couldnt!
I know complete retard huh, its crazy how you feel when your in love……….so finally now after all this i had been put through i could possibly come to an agreement with myself, and just relax until she got home, I wish this is where the story ended but it dont, you see actually this is probably where it should have began..(4 days after we have now been broke up the story continues………………..last night im in bed early, i went to sleep around 6 becuase i was up since the night before still stressed out over this, around 8:30 i get a phone call its her, she realizes i was asleep and tells me she will call back tomorrow, which i quickly say, its ok, im awake whats up? so she said ok, i was just wondering since we last talked becuase i didnt entirely understand what was going on with the phone…….well you know i was like here we go with the damn phone again…. so i said what do you not understand, 1 I explained it already, and 2 you lied to me. She says what did i lie about? I tell the fact that you told me you couldnt call or text me, and the whole time your textin this guy JASON, and you still haven’t told me yourself about him, and i have proof becuase of the phone records…..click! at that very moment she hung up on me, but you see she got sloppy this time and you will soon see why, becuase i was able to text her back from the no. she had just called me from, and i said (” where did you go?”
well like a min later she calls me back, and tells me we lost connection, but we needed to talk about this tomorrow, and i said “NO” we need to talk about this right now!!!! cuase i was fed up and felt like she needed to tell me. So she proceeded to tell me, that it was crazy stressfull there and i would never understand becuase i wasn’t going through it, and JASON was just a friend that she could talk too, and that she had told me that she just needed to get through this and get back home, and we could work things out, but now becuase i kept hasseling her about it, she wasn’t sure if that was going to be possible!!!! again like this is my fault…. and i said you know what i dont either, and for the first time when she hung up on me i felt relieved…………. so i went back to sleep, only this time i didnt toss and turn, becuase i had finally said my peace! And then as if GOD sent an angel himself an hour later as a lay asleep i felt the bed vibrate a pulses from my phone?…….so i immeadiatly picked it up thinking it was my girl texting me to try and talk to me again, cuase that was her style, so i read it and it says…..(”Nowhere ive been at work, what u been up too?”)……? I was bewildered at first, thinking why would she text that…..didnt make any sense, then i realized, it wasn’t her it the person that owned the phone, and they thought they knew me, and was texting me back!!!!! and thats when it hit me…i possibly now had the oppertunity i had wished for, to be able to talk to someone there that knew her with an unbiased opinion and might possibly be honest with me for a change, so i text back…….(” Oh im sorry that text was for my girl earlier when she called me from your phone…this is her now ex-boyfriend Brian……i paused and said but can i ask you a Question? A few seconds later, they replied and said,(” Brian? is this the guy that sent her the beautiful proposal letter in the mail?” 
and i told them of course and explained what it looked like……..and they said (”you are so romantic, that was so sweet!!!!” 
they then replied….(”Whats your question hun” 
at that point not only did i know i was truly about to find out what was really going on, this was a girl i was talking to which meant she could get even closer to her than the guys 
So i asked her to call me………………..the phone rang i answered, the voice on the other end was very sweet, and said so whats your Question hun?……i stopped not believing i was going to be able to finally ask, and said…(”Has she been FAITHFULL to me while shes been there?) almost not even really wanting to know the answer that i so desperatly been searching for!!! The girl then took a deep breath and said that first wanted to explaine to me who she was, that she was a sgt. and wasa hold over becuase she broke her pelvic bone in like 9 places, but had come to know my girl becuase they had become friends, but also becuase she was friends with this guy JASON, and he was a hold over also, but he was going to prison, becuase he had done some bad things and was, manipulative, lying, kaniving person, and she seen him talking to my girl, even though she didnt really know how close we were or weren’t, she did remember the letter and found it odd that she was talking to him, and told her what kind of person he was, and she swore upand down that she was just friends!!!…………. then she took a deep breath and said i really dont want to be in the middle of this, or be the one to answer your question, but if you must know……………NO SHE HAS NOT BEEN FAITHFULL TO YOU BRIAN…………………..she then told me the horrific details becuase i asked her to for a sense of self acceptence i think that made the beginning of her infedelity of me, shethen proceeded to say that it was no secret on base that they were together and had done what they had done……………
Which at that moment i wanted to go mad, i wanted to feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, i wanted to feel so many things but i couldnt feel anything…..she then said im sorry that i had to tell you, but i felt like you deserve to know….that she had this happen to her more than once in her lifetime and didnt feel what she was doing was right and if you need me to talk to about this any further i will be here for you, that everything would be ok………. which here i sit going on 4 hours of typing this letter to let everyone that takes the time to read this that life doesnt have to be this way, even through all that you have heard that i went through i have remained faithfull, i never cheated on her once while she was gone, i quit smoking, still havent picked up a ciggerette and in light of everything over all i think will be ok, i am kicking her out, becuase she lied so many times, but also becuase truly i need to be able to move on……………….. DEVILDOG/ OR RENEELEIGH, i read alot of your comments throughout this site probably what influenced me to write this inthe first place……………if you have any words of wisdom or encouragment i am here to listen, thank you and GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!
Geminiokc, thank you for your post. When your girlfriend said Bootcamp and AIT would be like going away to college, she was right. Her conduct was very immature and irresponsible. When young people go to college, the military or whatever, most are immature. Few are ready for marriage. Most are leaving home for the first time. Often those big “ideals” they were taught are put on hold as they begin their journey into adulthood.
Your story is not an unfamiliar one in any circle. IO myself have on several occasions personally experienced a situation very much like yours.Of course the situation may have been different, it’s the relationship I am referring to. I even married a batterer.
I finally took a program at the “Y” and it helped me a lot. First off, I learned, the signs for people like this are always there from the very beginning of the relationship. For instance, she always tried to rush the progress of the relationship. Her pursuit of you and then her rush for marriage, which thank God you didn’t do, were both clues. She did a lot of complaining about AIT. But, what bothered me was her complaint that her platoon was treated worse than the rest. I find that hard to believe. The DI’s are all following a program with very defined objectives and goals. Except for personality, they are all pretty much the same.
But, let’s look at another issue which I personally had and have a problem with myself. Why do we get these losers? We pick people who treat us as we feel about ourselves. When we don’t feel good about ourself for some reason, we tend to get involved with people who re-enforce that image. We over look people who would treat us well because we do not feel good about ourselves. People who have a history of physical or sexual abuse will do so in the extreme.
There is a feeling we get in the area just below the breastbone that pretty much tells us the truth about people and situations if we listen or take note of the feeling we have in that area in given circumstances.It is rarely wrong. But we often are reluctant or don’t trust that feeling and ignore it. We must learn to listen and trust the feeling we get there. Again, it is rarely wrong.
You have done very well with this whole thing. You checked out your suspicions. Granted you felt guilt. But, she really didn’t give you an alternative. Be very glad you two didn’t get married.
In relationships you must learn how to protect yourself yet develop trust at the same time. Trust is earned over time in relationships not immediately given. That doesn’t mean assume everything the other person says or does is a potential lie, etc.. It means don’t blindly accept blindly accept everything as the truth or everyone as truthful.
geminiokc:
first of all, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I do not know you, but I do not want you to feel alone. I did when I first found out.
First, I know you do not want to do this, but you need to leave! NO QUESTION. Your situation will never change unless you leave. TRUST ME.
I was a family services leader, and I know for sure that the soldiers expext alot from their significant others(like on Army Wives, puke), but have a different standard for themselves.
My ex-husband was TOP, and used it to every advantage (I had no idea)! he told me I was insecure. Trusting my instinct I found out that he had sex with everyone from the Capitain to priviates. Funny, that he noted the ranks lower than him as hors. And that he was a bit racist, yet the Captain was a black women and he is white. These type of people have two lives. One for family and the hero, and perfect family, second, they live these lives that their friends, family, or work peers are shocked to know exist! It’s amazing to me.
The term I keep running into is narrsistic with these military relationshops. Being sound mind, think, the good ones sign up because they are smart, loyal, and want to make a different, the rest sign up because court told them to, or they felt lost in the world.
We all want to believe that the soldiers we marry are the ones who really care. In my situation, I met one who I helped make it up the ranks and had sex with many he oversee. This is sad, and hurtful to me. I am over my ex, but it is taking me a long time to get over the trust I had in what “people in authority” tell me. My ex was as high up as they can go. I got him there.
Do not stay with this person. My life is so much better without this person in my life. It is hard to leave. It took a long time to get over my ex., but I did. Remember, a good soldier is who stands behind him/her. Unfortately, a soldier’s family does not get paid or any recognition. I am the wife who left the big bronze star soldier. When in fact, my soldier had sex with everyone from the private to the captain and gave me and his girlfriends at home herpes.
Leave. Do not look back!
Tryingtomoveon, I am sorry about all you too have been through. You have given some sound advice. Now take one more step for yourself as I did.Find out why you stayed with him so long! I went to a program at the “Y” and as I said above I found out that all the signs were there that he was a jerk. I “enabled” his conduct by continuing to stay with him for almost ten years.
The “Y” program is free! Call any “Y” hotline number anywhere in America and they ca tell you how to hook up with them!
i read the entire post, and i’m just baffled! It’s quite a saga, and I’m so sorry. I hope that you can pop smoke and break contact. that’s all the advise i can give.
Geminiokc, sorry about what you had to go through with all of those nights of stress and worry. Believe me I know how it feels. I too found out about the “other women” through cell phone bills and a couple of phone calls from those women. It seems to me that your girlfriend has moved on and is just too scared and/or ashamed to tell you about it until she comes back and actully HAS to deal with it. It is good that you didn’t get married. She just proved to you that she isn’t ready for it. This is just my opinion, but I personally wouldn’t take her back. For the fact that I don’t think she loves you; she wouldn’t have treated you like this if she did. And how will you be able to trust her now? There are a lot of good, decent women out there that you CAN trust and you sound like a smart, sweet, and caring person so I know you’ll be able to find one. You deserve it after dealing with this. =)
Here! Here!
I am truly amazed at the response to this post. This is by far the single most regularly viewed and commented post on this blog. Thank you all for sharing your stories, and/or offering your support. I have no intention of closing this post to comments as I feel it a very helpful post.
We learn to heal and move on by talking and sharing our pain!
Devildog6771, I’m glad I found this blog. It does make things easier when you can talk to people who are going through similar things. It has helped me, so I hope I can help someone else out too. =)
ReneeLeigh, thank you. You have made this whole blog worthwhile. My whole reason for it was to help someone else, even if it was just one person. I just honestly never expected it to be along these lines. For over 25 years I was in continuous therapy. Groups, individual, whatever was needed at the times. I learned the value the hard way of talking and sharing pain. I couldn’t afford to continue though I still need to go. When Mike died, I starting blogging. It kept me from relapsing!
I have found your story and responses very helpful and wise. I hope you will continue to post as I know others will benefit from your remarks.
The troops have no means to defend their cheating spouses, just our country. It should b a felony for spouses caught doing this.
I would really like to set up a foundation or law to implement this.
Eric, though I agree with your sentiment, I think felony charges would never fly. The problem actually existed before deployment. Lack of a well founded support system for all our deployed troops and their families has a lot to do with it. Don’t mis-understand me, I do not condone cheating. But how many troops get married just before deployment? That group is not in any way prepared for such a separation!
Then there are the young families with kids. There is no real way to prepare for what these families face at home and abroad. But good counseling and support would certainly help. I think the type of personalized help families get when they are told of their loss of a loved one would be a great help. Financial counseling, moral support, group sessions, grief counseling. But instead gear it for deployment.
Multiple deployments is very tough. But many make it because they made it through the first one. Units like the Alaska SBCTs and the Night Stalkers have great support from what I see on their web. It is very organized, allows comments, provides daily updates, and loads of help on the side bar.
This won’t help every situation; but, it sure would help many. Let’s face it, whether military or not, there are men, and women, who fall into the “low life scumbag category!” These people get hooked on the “high” of cheating. It never occurs to them they are hurting someone else. They don’t think about diseases. They lie about their affairs.
These are the ones who deserve ’special consequences” in my opinion. They are as bad as those “Jody’s [?]” the guys talk about. Predators that suck away at one’s self esteem.
However, irregardless of which group those at home fall in, except the last ones who in my opinion could care less, people should never cheat on a deployed soldier. Get help. If the soldier deployed is cheating or feels he/she might, their ought to be help in the field without penalty that helps them get through whatever is making them cheat or consider it.
I honestly feel that deployed troops cheat as much to see if they can “still feel something” or in a moment of intense feeling or reaction, such as fear, a close encounter with death, loss of a buddy, having had to kill, especially the first time, and a need at that moment to be held, comforted, and not alone. Their significant other isn’t there.
Then there is some of the idea that they can’t share these times with their loved ones. Some soldiers I knew while serving didn’t want their significant other to know anything about what they experienced during war. One, they simply couldn’t talk about it period, two, to protect them, three, fear of what they would think if they knew what they were capable of doing if they had to when at war.
But this is all conjecture on my part in trying to put myself in their places. Don’t any of you guys/gals have any comments or advice to add here. I can open up to non registered posting if enough interest is out there. Then you could make anonymous posts. This is to help people, not get them in trouble.
Let me know if there is interest here!
Unfortunately I found out that my husband did cheat on me while he was deployed. I am NOT ok with what he did, but I have come to peace with it. I found out while he was still deployed and had to deal with the pain by myself. I have done alot of soul searching and I know that he loves me and that he would never have done such a thing if he was here with me. No, I am not excusing him. I know that he was going through alot when it happened. It did break my heart, but I can’t imagine the things that he is going through. I am not a person to tolerate cheating, but I have forgiven him for this. I know that my husband is a good honest man and we have a wonderful life together. All I want is for him to safely return home to me. I have never cheated on him nor do i intend to. I just believe that he had an extreme moment of weakness and I can understand that, but it does not make it ok. I believe that once this is all over we can put this behind us and mov